selfish sister (very very long)

[sarahomalley]

Alright, I'm 24 and I asked my 31 year old sister to be my maid of honor. Her and I have our moments and as much as I'd like to be, I can't feel "close" to her. However, I've never really had a "best friend" so since she is my big sister I chose her. Anyways. My sister is a difficult person to be around. She is VERY self oriented. She's been through (I couldn't even tell you an exact number) tons of relationships. She was pregnant at 20 and married shortly after she found out. The marriage lasted 7 years. 4 to 5 of it was separation. and the remainder was off and on. Every guy she met after that was "the one" she was even picking out engagement rings with a guy she was talking to online, and then when she finally met him in person she felt no attraction to him.

Me on the other hand, I fated my first boyfriend for about 5 years and dated a few guys casually since then. I was engaged to a man before I was engaged to my current fiance and it ended with severe domestic violence. So the man I am marrying in May, someone I'd known before the bad relationship, wanted to pick up the pieces and I wanted to let him. We fell in love and got engaged in only 7 short months of serious dating.

My sister, in the meantime, Had started dating someone. They had talked of getting married. But with my sister you never knew if it was serious or not. Then she got pregnant. They were both very excited, so now more talk of getting married was occurring. Which was wonderful, this was something she wanted for a long time. So she had the baby on February 8 and on Valentine's Day I got engaged. We decided almost immediately on a May wedding. Shortly after my sister was discussing a June Wedding. Which could have been fine. Stressful, but fine. Later she changed her wedding date to December.

A few months ago it was time to get going on Bridesmaids dresses. I had taken a few of my bridesmaids ( I have 7) to look at dresses. My sister was never available. We picked one out and all of them had been measured except for 2. A friend of mine and my sister. We live about an hour and a half away from eachother so one day we set up a time to meet, have lunch, and go to the bridal shop so she could see the dress and at least get measured. When we got there, she looked at the dress, Then she started looking around for bridesmaids dresses for her own wedding...That was fine we had all day. When I asked her if she wanted to get measured she told me no. Then she went downstairs to make a payment on her own wedding dress. That she hasn't ordered or even been fitted for yet!

So in December I was receiving phone calls to get the rest of my girls in so we could get everyone squared away and get these dresses ordered because 5 months is a good timeline. So I was hounding my sister a little because she was basically the last one. I had mentioned to my mom about the when my sister and I went to the shop and she put money down on her own dress and she could've been measured for the bridesmaid dress. My mom told my sister this and I got an awful email from my sister about how it's all my fault that she had to change her wedding date because she didn't want to take away my spotlight and I am being very selfish. The bridesmaid dress wasn't budgeted for, but the payment to her wedding dress was. She proceeded to bring up that her and the baby's father decided they were getting married when I was engaged before (to the wife beater) and the wedding was going to be June 2005. But then she got pregnant and I "decided to fall in love again" so she moved it to June 06, until I just had to get married in May. Now I'm selfish and ruined everything because they'll have to wait till the following June to take their honeymoon because December isn't the right time.

The strangest things though are that 1. They arent' even formally engaged. He's never asked her. 2. They are (he is) building a house and they have no money but she's insistent upon planning their wedding right now.

I can't take much more of this. I'm ready to scream. I've never been an "in the spotlight" person. I have no desire to be. Yet she can take this and somehow turn it so she's the "victim" She's 31. It's getting old.

[WhiskeyGirl]

Unfortunately there are a lot of people like that in this world! I can't really tell you what the right thing to do is, and I'm sure you'll get a lot of personal opinions. You just have to take what you can and do whats right for you! My SIL(s) had a problem with our wedding, they both wanted it to be all about them!! There was no WAY that I was going to allow that to happen so I put my foot down immediately with one and ignored the other because she had nothing to do with our wedding anyhow. (we got married July16,2005.) But in your case this could be a little more difficult because the person you are dealing with is your sister!

What kind of a relationship do you have with your mom? Is she sympathetic to your problem or does she tend to lean towards your sisters side of the "Deal"? If she's sympathetic to you, maybe you should start by telling her about this email, perhaps she can have another talk with your sister! If it were me, I'd call her (the sister) up and ask her what her problem is. Maybe there's something under lying!! I know I had a fight with My MOH who was also my SIL before the wedding, we made up for the wedding but then right afterwards she was back to the way she was before the wedding!! (it's all about money and the fact that she had to have a $5000 wedding and I had quite a bit more that I could use for planning and paying for our wedding! OH and the fact that we drive nice cars and live in a nice house....Money is what made her turn green and freak out! We didn't do anything but live our lives comfortably!)

I guess you have to just resolve this....decide if she's the one who you want standing up there beside you!! And you need to figure out why, she thinks that it should be all about her! Perhaps you can tell her that this is your time for the spotlight and in June, it will be hers!! Perhaps it's only jealousy?? There are so many things that it could be really! The key is communication, and being that you are sisters, probably someone who can mediate wouldn't be a bad thing....otherwise (if you are anything like me and my brother or me and my SIL) things could get heated quickly!

[usahgrad]

Ok, I've got one for you...it's along the same lines, so I'm thinking maybe it will let you know that others out there going through the same thing.

My aunt and cousin came down a few months ago to see my dress and find out some of the wedding details because my cousin is going to be in France, studying abroad, and won't be here for the wedding. We're in the dress shop and they're picking out a wedding dress for my cousin! She doesn't even have a boyfriend at the moment! We went to a cake tasting, and they're looking through pictures trying to decide what wedding cake my cousin should have! Then, she makes a HUGE scene with the DJ who was at the cake tasting because he wouldn't let her take one of these really profession portfolio books he had put together because, 1) my cousin wasn't actually getting married and 2) they are not from this area, so they wouldn't hire him even if she was getting married. She's yelling at this guy telling him, "What if I was getting it for my niece?" So I'm thinking, to diffuse the situation, I'd inform her (again) that we weren't getting a DJ, so it wasn't a problem that we couldn't take one of these guys portfolios. Then she lays into me about how my guests aren't going to be entertained and if it was my cousin's wedding they'd have a DJ to keep their guests entertained. The next day, they were picking out bridesmaid's dresses for her wedding and fabric when we were at Joanns. Then she turns to me and says, "You should just have them buy the dress, they can buy dresses like this from a shop." I'm trying to explain to her that it was TOO expensive, especially for my FH's sister who has three children in the wedding, to buy the dresses and we were saving HUGE amounts of money by making them. She counters that with, well Meghann (my cousin) won't make her bridesmaids or her fiance's mother make the dresses for the wedding! Everything I was doing was wrong and they would do it another way in my cousin's fictitious wedding. It was SO frustrating!

Whoops, sorry...didn't mean to say that much. Anyways, as you can see, I think weddings are contagious. And people get very mean about things, even if they aren't ACTUALLY planning a wedding. Good luck. I know it's hard. We're here for you though. :)

[bnd94]

Sarah I am so sorry your sister is being that way! I think if I was you I would tell her that you don't want her to be your MOH since your wedding screwed her plans up so bad and you feel bad. I am just worried if she is pulling this :censored: now, what will she do at the wedding. I wouldn't want her throwing a fit and ruining your special day cause she kinda sounds like the type that would. I wish you :goodluck: Let us know how things turn out. I would love to hear more of your wedding plans.

[bnd94]

Ok, I've got one for you...it's along the same lines, so I'm thinking maybe it will let you know that others out there going through the same thing.

My aunt and cousin came down a few months ago to see my dress and find out some of the wedding details because my cousin is going to be in France, studying abroad, and won't be here for the wedding. We're in the dress shop and they're picking out a wedding dress for my cousin! She doesn't even have a boyfriend at the moment! We went to a cake tasting, and they're looking through pictures trying to decide what wedding cake my cousin should have! Then, she makes a HUGE scene with the DJ who was at the cake tasting because he wouldn't let her take one of these really profession portfolio books he had put together because, 1) my cousin wasn't actually getting married and 2) they are not from this area, so they wouldn't hire him even if she was getting married. She's yelling at this guy telling him, "What if I was getting it for my niece?" So I'm thinking, to diffuse the situation, I'd inform her (again) that we weren't getting a DJ, so it wasn't a problem that we couldn't take one of these guys portfolios. Then she lays into me about how my guests aren't going to be entertained and if it was my cousin's wedding they'd have a DJ to keep their guests entertained. The next day, they were picking out bridesmaid's dresses for her wedding and fabric when we were at Joanns. Then she turns to me and says, "You should just have them buy the dress, they can buy dresses like this from a shop." I'm trying to explain to her that it was TOO expensive, especially for my FH's sister who has three children in the wedding, to buy the dresses and we were saving HUGE amounts of money by making them. She counters that with, well Meghann (my cousin) won't make her bridesmaids or her fiance's mother make the dresses for the wedding! Everything I was doing was wrong and they would do it another way in my cousin's fictitious wedding. It was SO frustrating!

Whoops, sorry...didn't mean to say that much. Anyways, as you can see, I think weddings are contagious. And people get very mean about things, even if they aren't ACTUALLY planning a wedding. Good luck. I know it's hard. We're here for you though. :)

Wow Kelli that is crazy! I can't even imagine how frustrated you must have been! I just don't know what to say. What they did is so RUDE!! Unreal!:bbeek: I think you need to take your chair with ya next time that would fix her! LOL!!
:chair: :chair:

[WebLady]

All this kind of drama sounds like alot things that do on in my family. I am sorry you all have to deal with this kind of thing, this should be a happy time. :hug:

As hard as it is, sometimes I think it is better to distance yourself from those that would cause drama in your life, even if it is your family.

This is one of my New Year's Resolutions, to lessen the drama in my life. If that means I don't talk to my family and so called friends as much then fine.

I wish the best for all of you! Hopefully 2006 will be better for us all.

~ WebLady :)

[usahgrad]

All this kind of drama sounds like alot things that do on in my family. I am sorry you all have to deal with this kind of thing, this should be a happy time. :hug:

Thanks hun...back atcha! :hug:

As hard as it is, sometimes I think it is better to distance yourself from those that would cause drama in your life, even if it is your family.

I told my mother that I didn't want my aunt involved in my planning anymore. She had her chance and she blew it. It didn't really work, which brings me to my next thought...

This is one of my New Year's Resolutions, to lessen the drama in my life. If that means I don't talk to my family and so called friends as much then fine.

My new year's resolution, officially, is to become more of a daughter and less of a best friend to my mother. There is too much going on in her life right now that I don't need to be involved in and there is too much going on in my life right now that she doesn't need to be involved in. I'm not distancing myself from her, just tweeking our relationship a bit...wish me luck!

[WebLady]

... My new year's resolution, officially, is to become more of a daughter and less of a best friend to my mother. There is too much going on in her life right now that I don't need to be involved in and there is too much going on in my life right now that she doesn't need to be involved in. I'm not distancing myself from her, just tweeking our relationship a bit...wish me luck!

Sounds like a good plan to me ... GL :)

~ WebLady :)

[sarahomalley]

Well, my mom had a talk with my sister. It was getting to the point that whenever my mom brought up anything at all about my wedding to her, she would immediately start talking about all the great ideas she has for her own. I just want to scream at her and say YOU'RE NOT EVEN ENGAGED YET!!!!!!!hehe. Anyways my mom told her that she wants to concentrate on one wedding at a time and since there's only 4 and a half months till mine (OH MY GOD) and 11 till hers she deosn't want to get too overwhelmed. Unfortuneately, I still feel bad talking about my wedding plans when she's around. Hopefully things will be better. My sister told me that she wasn't "yelling" at me in her email, there was just some things that she thought I should know. But there's no hard feelings. Sadly, that doesn't make me feel better. On a happier note, my dress came in and here's some pics..I may have to do 2 separate postings LOTS OF PICS!!! The first one is a pewter ring I am using in place of a ring bearer pillow. After the wedding I can hang it on the wall and not have some pillow I don't know what to do with!!

[sarahomalley]

k...more pics

And for my centerpieces I've been going to local thrift stores and buying glassware (champagne flutes and wine galsses, etc) and on a mirrored tile, which we are acid etching with love quotes, I am placing 3 glasses of different heights and putting some water in them with flating candles. My mom found spice colored and white vinyl table cloths for like 50 cents a piece. The spice is very close to my burnt orange color. then I also have fish bowls I am going to find floating gerbera daisy candles for. And I bought 300 organza favor bags off ebay for like 45 bucks!!!! I just bought all the stuff for invitations so once those are sqaured away I'll scan that too and show ya'll.

[usahgrad]

YAY! That's so exciting! I love your ring idea...it's very beautiful. My ring bearer will be carrying the pillow that he carried in his dad's wedding to his step mom and that his dad carried in my mother's wedding to my father. It's a little worse for wear, but it's a tradition I'd like to keep.

Your dress is really beautiful and the cheesecake is to DIE FOR!

I'm glad to hear that your mother stepped in to mitigate things for you. Hopefully that will help. Hey, your sister could always be gleaning ideas from you...maybe if you looked through pictures with her to gather ideas for both of you that would help get rid of the awkwardness. My MoH is getting married less than two months after me, so we're indirectly planning together (she lives four hours away and neither of us have the money to visit very often). We get on the phone once a week and go over all the planning we've done in that past week. Sometimes those conversations don't last very long...lol. But it's fun. I can't imagine how hard it is for you to be planning your wedding around the same time that she wants to start planning, but it was good to get it separated.

I know what you mean about the four and a half months! Isn't it exciting!

[ikkin510]

Sarah, everything looks great! I'm glad your mom stepped in to help out. Good luck with it all. My FSIL's wedding is a month and half before ours. So we are kinda on the same time line for everything. When ever am talking to my FMIL about ideas I have, she always need to butt in and make it all about her wedding. It's so frustrating!! Anyway, good luck with your sister and the last 4 1/2 months of planning!

[CindySue]

Very pretty pics, Sara! Im seriously considering stealing your cheesecake idea for my own wedding. I cant believe you, me and Kelli only have little over 4 months until our weddings!

[usahgrad]

Isn't it EXCITING!?!?!?!?! I'm so bouncy I'm gonna hurt myself! I've got wedding on the BRAIN! I'm maniacal in a white and rosey sort of way!

[WebLady]

:w00t: I just realized that you guys have the same wedding date ... silly me, I guess I just wasn't paying enough attention :bbredface:

So who is coming up next? Anyone sooner than 4 months?

~ WebLady :)

[usahgrad]

I wanna say there's someone in February or March...but I'm not sure...

[WebLady]

I wanna say there's someone in February or March...but I'm not sure...

I thought there was someone else in April too. Oh well, :goodluck: and Best Wishes to everyone!

~ WebLady :)

[9801crystal]

Your sister is jealous of you and I also feel very sorry for her. I think the fact that she said she had to change her wedding date is an excuse. She only said that to get attention. So you will say oh sister oh sister what have I done. I am so sorry you see that is what she wants. I think you should cut her out of your wedding and just let her be a guest. She is sending you hateful messages. When you are having the happiest time of your life. Would she act this way if you become pregnant in the future or like this at a babyshower. Pray for her and I hope you two can be happy one day.

Crystal