Need advice, not wedding related...

[countrygirl]

This isn't wedding related, and I can't remember if I have asked this in the past, so please, bear w me. Hope you can keep up, because I may even confuse myself.

As some of you know, Josh has three kids from a prev marriage, and the x (mom) doesn't, well, lets just say she dosn't have the kids' best interests at heart. Anyway, she remarried a 21 year old (boy, I say this because he is immature in many ways, has two kids with his xwife, took on three now and has one on the way, and doesn't make much money, and has no intention of doing anything about it.). He and J's x had only been together for a month when they moved intogether, and he was still married at the time. He is now now fighting that the youngest w his x may not be his, though in the div. decree he said she was. His x had an order of prot. against him for a year, which was up Jan 1st.

Anyway, our kids are not being taken care of, school work is slacking, hygene needs serious help, and she is flat out a b!tch when it comes to working w us on anything. We have had so many issues, that I can't even list them now.

X's new hubby just went to court for visitation, but only gets two afternoons a week, and has to pay a butt load of money for spousal support, child support, and even more to make up the arrears that were never paid. I found all this online this morn. His xwife has authority to evaluate thier home before she allows the girls to spend the night, and it ordered that he have appropriate bedding for them. That makes us curious.

My question is to those of you who have been around long enough to remember all of the things that I have posted in the past. Should we contact the x (of stepdad) to find out if there is something that we should be concerned about?

[SerendipityCrafts]

Nope. Bring your concerns along with everything that you have found to your lawyer and he/she will contact this ex if they think there is any merit to it.

The lawyer could also find out if there are any child welfare issues associated with J's ex's new husband.

It might cost you some money but it would save you from perhaps some direct retalliation from his ex.

[countrygirl]

We don't have an atty. We can't afford one. We have done everything on our own so far, which, surprisingly, has brought us pretty far.

[SerendipityCrafts]

Hmmmm how about a private investigator? Perhaps they could dig up more for less.

The only reason I am thinking you should distance yourself is that if J's ex finds out that you have been personally undermining her, then the shiat is going to hit the fan and the kids are going to suffer.

On the other hand, if a lawyer or a PI uncovers stuff, well then you can bring this evidence back to court to petition for custody of the kids.

[countrygirl]

On the other hand, if a lawyer or a PI uncovers stuff, well then you can bring this evidence back to court to petition for custody of the kids.

This is the reason we want to find out if there is something we need to be aware of. They are a sketchy couple to begin with. I don't trust either of them. We have caught them both in several lies, and the kids are already suffering.

She is due to have another baby in the next few months. They kids are already not being taken care of. Our thinking is that if there is something alarming, we want to take of it now, before it gets worse. They judge they have is the same one that has been on thier case since the beginning of the div/custody case. She already likes Josh and knows that he is thinking of the kids first, and that his x isn't.

[mariaandmanish]

Due to all the court stuff you've been through lately, do you have regular contact with social services? If you do, you could mention this to the kids' social worker and see what their suggestion might be. I have to agree with Elizabeth, though, not to contact the ex yourself. That could open a whole can of worms that you don't want to be anywhere near!

Good luck, honey!

[brewsells]

Hmm... This is a toughy. I agree with Elizabeth that you shouldn't contact the boyfriends X (Although I can't say that I wouldn't do it myself. It just probably isn't the best way).
I am wondering if you could bring any concerns to the judge or if he would just tell you to get some proof.. Maybe a legal aid employee could help.. They are relatively cheap if not free. And if they can't represent you, they could give some advice. That's what they are there for.

Sorry I can't be of more help.

[countrygirl]

I hope this doesn't seem like I am just shutting down everything you guys are saying.

The kids don't have a 'social worker'. The last time we contact CPS because of her feeding cat food to the girls as a form of punishment, she turned around and filed something against J stating he kicked the little one in the face for lying. The case that the x opened was closed because there was nothing to back up her story. They stated there was nothing wrong w either house.

I would go to a legal aid dept, except for the fact that when I went to them for help w my own custody case for my son, they turned me away because they didn't have any help avail. They were "Too busy". Gee, how nice.

I guess for now, the best thing to do it to keep tabs on what happens w his (x's new hubby) custody. It's all posted online for anyone to see. Maybe if he slips up enough w his own x, we can use that in the future.

[mariaandmanish]

I'm really sorry, Heather, that this just doesn't seem to ever get better! Good luck! I hope that something happens so that you can finally get this resolved in a great way for all of you!!!

[shawnsgirl]

I would highly advise to talking to the X. This is my reason. If you had a lawyer, PI, whatever they CANNNOT contact that x. Your lawyer (if you had one) would have to contact the x's lawyer unless he would willing speak to him off the record. In that case he would need to sign a paper allowing the information in a court of law. I had this instance happen to me. My ex boyfriend had a daughter. The daughter's mother knew that there were some reasons regarding her daughter as to why I broke up with him. I myself had recently finalized custody arrangements with my own children. She at first tried calling me and ofcourse I didn't return her calls..I wasn't going to get involved. Instead, she had her lawyer contact me, so I called my lawyer wondering if I should call this person back. So, my lawyer said whatever you do don't talk to her lawyer..You are better off talking to him! What basically came out of it is my lawyer gave me the lagal advice to meet with her and answer any of her questions without her lawyer present. I did, and guess what my information gave her the direction and the information to end up with 100% full custody of her daughter. Something she should have had long ago.
Frankly, as most people in bitter separations and custody battles the X will probably be more than happy than to answer your questions ecspecially if he's still upset. The only problem is, is finding the truth in the story of it all. I highly doubt he will go back saying oh so and so talked to me..
I think though you smartest option is to really try and save money for a lawyer and seek legal advice and use this information you have in a court of law. As well, I wouldn't bother with children in youth...I don't know how they are in your state but unless the child is seriously bruised, malnurished, or you have 100% proof of neglect or other child abuse they will not want to get involved ecspecially when custody is at stake. They try their darnest to stay clear of those cases. Good luck with your situation..I know it is forever on going and I pray for you wonderful children that's for sure!!!

[countrygirl]

I'm really sorry, Heather, that this just doesn't seem to ever get better! Good luck! I hope that something happens so that you can finally get this resolved in a great way for all of you!!!

Thanks Maria, you too Elizabeth and Holly. I am sure that it seems like all I ever do is complain about J's ex. She just really drives me nuts, and I can't stand to see the kids suffer because she cares more about herself and her 'new husband'. She's got that errogant 'here is my FAMILY that I am so proud of because I am such a good mom" attitude. The prob is it isn't true. Does that make sense?

[countrygirl]

I would highly advise to talking to the X. This is my reason. If you had a lawyer, PI, whatever they CANNNOT contact that x. Your lawyer (if you had one) would have to contact the x's lawyer unless he would willing speak to him off the record. In that case he would need to sign a paper allowing the information in a court of law. I had this instance happen to me. My ex boyfriend had a daughter. The daughter's mother knew that there were some reasons regarding her daughter as to why I broke up with him. I myself had recently finalized custody arrangements with my own children. She at first tried calling me and ofcourse I didn't return her calls..I wasn't going to get involved. Instead, she had her lawyer contact me, so I called my lawyer wondering if I should call this person back. So, my lawyer said whatever you do don't talk to her lawyer..You are better off talking to him! What basically came out of it is my lawyer gave me the lagal advice to meet with her and answer any of her questions without her lawyer present. I did, and guess what my information gave her the direction and the information to end up with 100% full custody of her daughter. Something she should have had long ago.
Frankly, as most people in bitter separations and custody battles the X will probably be more than happy than to answer your questions ecspecially if he's still upset. The only problem is, is finding the truth in the story of it all. I highly doubt he will go back saying oh so and so talked to me..
I think though you smartest option is to really try and save money for a lawyer and seek legal advice and use this information you have in a court of law. As well, I wouldn't bother with children in youth...I don't know how they are in your state but unless the child is seriously bruised, malnurished, or you have 100% proof of neglect or other child abuse they will not want to get involved ecspecially when custody is at stake. They try their darnest to stay clear of those cases. Good luck with your situation..I know it is forever on going and I pray for you wonderful children that's for sure!!!

That is what we were thinking. I know that my mom had a similar sit with an x when we were kids, and it aided mom in getting custody of the little girl, which is what was best. I don't want to stir the pot, and cause more probs, I just want to protect our kids.

[brewsells]

It totally makes sense to me. It just really sucks that you have to deal with all of it. And it sucks even more that the kids have to go through it. I think it's a good idea to keep "tabs" on how things go with the new boyfriend. I honestly hope you and Josh are able to find a solution to all of this.

[countrygirl]

It totally makes sense to me. It just really sucks that you have to deal with all of it. And it sucks even more that the kids have to go through it. I think it's a good idea to keep "tabs" on how things go with the new boyfriend. I honestly hope you and Josh are able to find a solution to all of this.

Thanks Holly. The boyfriend is acutally stepdad now. They ran off to Vegas on NYE. They had a wedding planned for July, but apparently the baby will have been born by then. Gee, this is her SECOND marriage due to a preg. Hmmmm. Makes you wonder, doesn't it?

[brewsells]

Thanks Holly. The boyfriend is acutally stepdad now. They ran off to Vegas on NYE. They had a wedding planned for July, but apparently the baby will have been born by then. Gee, this is her SECOND marriage due to a preg. Hmmmm. Makes you wonder, doesn't it?
Oh yeah. I had forgotten about the whole NYE thing. How could I?
Yeah, she sounds like a real winner to me. Maybe one of these days she will pull her head out of her butt.

[countrygirl]

Oh yeah. I had forgotten about the whole NYE thing. How could I?
Yeah, she sounds like a real winner to me. Maybe one of these days she will pull her head out of her butt.

Ummm, I dunno. Her but's pretty big. It may take a while for her to find her way out.

Sorry, had to say it!:chimp:

[WhiskeyGirl]

What a "pro bono" attorney?? Any such thing in your neck of the woods? If it were me, I'd start saving my pennies as much as possible to hire a lawyer and get the kids away from them. :) I feel so terriable for them and for you and Josh, Heather!! This is such a rough thing to have to deal with and I have my fingers crossed for you all that it will work out for the best!!! :D

[countrygirl]

What a "pro bono" attorney?? Any such thing in your neck of the woods? If it were me, I'd start saving my pennies as much as possible to hire a lawyer and get the kids away from them. :) I feel so terriable for them and for you and Josh, Heather!! This is such a rough thing to have to deal with and I have my fingers crossed for you all that it will work out for the best!!! :D

Acutally, it was the legal aid that refered me to pro bono atty's out here, they were the ones who were too busy. It turned me off in a heartbeat!

[WhiskeyGirl]

Acutally, it was the legal aid that refered me to pro bono atty's out here, they were the ones who were too busy. It turned me off in a heartbeat!

That stinks but I think you should keep trying...maybe they didn't realize the need for them in this situation and if you keep bugging them.....well lets hope they pull their heads outta their butts and help you and Josh!! The kids need those lawyers to pull their heads out and be better people!! lol

What about the military? Is there anyway you can secure legal counsel through them?

[countrygirl]

What about the military? Is there anyway you can secure legal counsel through them?

That is always a possibility. I agree that we do need acutal dirt on her, so when we get that, that will help too!

[WhiskeyGirl]

That is always a possibility. I agree that we do need acutal dirt on her, so when we get that, that will help too!


I hope so!! The kids deserve to have an awesome mom like you Heather, not like the way the ex treats them!! Giving them cat food as a punishment?? What the heck!! :irked: Makes me so angry for you and the kids, I'd fly there and force feed her cat food if it would help any! lol. ;)

[Goin2thechapel]

Heather...I'm so sorry that you're still having to go through this! The only ones that this is hurting are the children. I can't believe that thier hygiene is suffering too. Reminds me of when my parents divorced.

Divorce is such a tough thing to go through, but she's making almost unbearable. I would keep a daily log. That's your best arguement in court. That's how my dad got custody of us!

Good luck Heather!. You, Josh, and the Kids will make it through this!!

Hugs and Kisses!!!

[countrygirl]

I hope so!! The kids deserve to have an awesome mom like you Heather, not like the way the ex treats them!! Giving them cat food as a punishment?? What the heck!! :irked: Makes me so angry for you and the kids, I'd fly there and force feed her cat food if it would help any! lol. ;)

Thanks Shawna, you acutally just put a cat food eatin grin on my face!! I needed that!!

[WhiskeyGirl]

Thanks Shawna, you acutally just put a cat food eatin grin on my face!! I needed that!!

I'm glad to have made you smile Heather!! :D

[countrygirl]

Heather...I'm so sorry that you're still having to go through this! The only ones that this is hurting are the children. I can't believe that thier hygiene is suffering too. Reminds me of when my parents divorced.

Divorce is such a tough thing to go through, but she's making almost unbearable. I would keep a daily log. That's your best arguement in court. That's how my dad got custody of us!

Good luck Heather!. You, Josh, and the Kids will make it through this!!

Hugs and Kisses!!!

Thanks Babe!! We do have a journal of documentation. I think that is what helped us when we went from weekend visitation to 50/50 custody. The other thing is that one of the kids told J that they have to move again soon. In court last August, the judge ordered that if she moves again and the kids have to change schools again, we get full custody. We shall see.

[WhiskeyGirl]

Thanks Babe!! We do have a journal of documentation. I think that is what helped us when we went from weekend visitation to 50/50 custody. The other thing is that one of the kids told J that they have to move again soon. In court last August, the judge ordered that if she moves again and the kids have to change schools again, we get full custody. We shall see.

In a way that would be both a blessing and a curse!! I just really hope you and Josh get full custody no matter what!!! :D

[countrygirl]

In a way that would be both a blessing and a curse!! I just really hope you and Josh get full custody no matter what!!! :D

Thank you. heehee

[WhiskeyGirl]

Thank you. heehee

Your welcome. heehee ;) Why are we heeheeing? lol.

[Goin2thechapel]

hee hee.....I'll join in too :)

You should totally get cusody...that would be soo cool!
Has the judge taken the kids and ever asked them what they would like?!?!

[WhiskeyGirl]

You should totally get cusody...that would be soo cool!
Has the judge taken the kids and ever asked them what they would like?!?!

I was just wondering this as well...wow you were reading my mind! lol

[countrygirl]

...wow you were reading my mind! lol

Wow! That is just scary!!

She acutally asked if the judge could 'interview' the kids, but it was denied. Becuase of thier ages at the time (6,7,9) they are too young. We pushed that the kids are very influenced at this age, and they could be forced to tell stories.

The heeheeing, I am not really sure. Just sounded good I guess.

[Goin2thechapel]

hehehe....We're soo in sync!!!...No not N'sync...although I'd love some of thier money!!!

[countrygirl]

hehehe....We're soo in sync!!!...No not N'sync...although I'd love some of thier money!!!

Can I have some of whatever you are on?

[WhiskeyGirl]

Can I have some of whatever you are on?

Ha ha, I want some too!! It seems like good stuff!!

How old are the kids now?

[countrygirl]

Ha ha, I want some too!! It seems like good stuff!!

How old are the kids now?

They are the same age, guess I didn't need to add the 'at that time' part. Though Peyton will be 10 next month, and Nico will be 7. Holy moly! my son is going to be seven!

[WhiskeyGirl]

It's unfortunate they can't ask the kids where they'd be happiest!! :( I will keep y'all in my thoughts for sure!! :D

[SerendipityCrafts]

Hmmmm just a thought - not sure if this can happen where you are but ... in our neck of the woods it is possible -

If necessary, a judge has the authority to appoint a lawyer to the kids. It's free ... they don't look at the father's or the mother's agenda but, to the children's best interests.

Judges here can also request that the children see a psychologist, separately, with mom & then with dad. The psychologist will then write a report so that the judge has some facts.

I know the kids are young but more and more, judges are taking their wishes into consideration.

Do you "share" custody? I am only asking because I find it incredulous that she has the final say as to whether the kids talk to the judge.

Keep up with your documentation. Print out the stuff you have found online. Gather everything and anything that you can get your hands on and also keep a journal. Write down what the kids (the school, the babysitter & whomever else) tell you and date each entry. Don't "emotionalize" - just write down the facts.

That's about all I can think of (I think) :)

[hummingbird521]

Elizabeth is right. document everything with no emotion at all. just the facts as you know them. date and time everything. in all honesty it would be wonderful if she did move. it might be a somewhat long process but you would get the kids then. also after this new baby is born she might over time realize that she has more on her plate than she can handle with all the kids and might possibly allow them more and more time in your home, which in turn would look bad on her part. after the baby is born j might suggest that the kids come and spend time with him till she gets on her feet and into more of a routine and such. the more time they spend with you the better it looks if and when it ever goes back to court again. Also if she ever did let the kids stay with the two of you after the baby is born and it continues fairly regularly you could while they are with you then have a temporary custody order set up because of abandonement.

[countrygirl]

Elizabeth is right. document everything with no emotion at all. just the facts as you know them. date and time everything. in all honesty it would be wonderful if she did move. it might be a somewhat long process but you would get the kids then. also after this new baby is born she might over time realize that she has more on her plate than she can handle with all the kids and might possibly allow them more and more time in your home, which in turn would look bad on her part. after the baby is born j might suggest that the kids come and spend time with him till she gets on her feet and into more of a routine and such. the more time they spend with you the better it looks if and when it ever goes back to court again. Also if she ever did let the kids stay with the two of you after the baby is born and it continues fairly regularly you could while they are with you then have a temporary custody order set up because of abandonement.

You hit really good points there. We have been documenting like crays, dates, times, everything, and w no emotion. They won't use it if it's 'emotional'.

About a year ago, she didn't have a place to live, and Josh and I had the kids for about a month and a half. She went to a local church for about two weeks, got them to help her into a house, and never went back. Then, last spring, she was having probs again, and Josh did offer to take the kids for a few months to help her back on her feet. He said there wouldn't be any support going either way, that way she didn't need to worry about paying him anything. She flat refused, and told him that he would have to take her back to court if he wants them. So, the next week he filed, and a few months later, we got 50/50 instead of biweekly visitation.

She will not openly admit that she can't take care of the kids. She is too interested in making herself out to be a good mom, though she does everything to counteract that! She just lies to us, and tells us that she is doing everything she should be.

It's evident she isn't. When we picked the kids up on Superbowl Sunday, they were in dirty clothes w food crusted on them. The girls said they were told to go in the laundryrrom and put on old (dirty) clothes. She then made a point to tell me she wants them back asap. Well, I returned them yesterday, and asked that she make sure they are in clean clothes when we pick them up as we do not always go straight home and we should not have to bring clean clothes w us and make them change. She said they were, I told her they were dirty w food all over them. She said they had been in the clothes all day. I then told her what the kids said, and she said it was untrue. When we got in the car, I again asked all three kids about it and they said again that she made them change right before we got there. So now she called her kids liars. What a mom!

[ladymelissa]

That is so sad. I hope you can make some progress with the courts.

[AngelinLove]

As always, good luck with the ongoing drama Heather. I just wish the court would see that those kids are better off with you and Josh!