Anyone Not having kids? [Archive] - OneWed's Wedding Chat

rainbowtreat

11-24-2005, 12:18 PM

I am such a kid person that I could not see my self growing old and never having kids.

But I work with 2 girls. One is in her 40's and they never had kids. She says they have enough neices and nephews that they dont need any of their own.

The other is only 25 and her and her boyfriend ( of 2 yrs now ) have decided they dont want kids. She did mention her reason is that she doesnt want to go through child birth. But might want to adopt a child one day. But as it is right now she doesnt want any.

She said she has gotten some friends saying things to her like how could you not have kids. There are some woman out there who CAN'T have kids and here you are choosing NOT to. Whats wrong with you. That is just wrong. It is her choice and there is absolutely nothign wrong with having or not having kids.

I told her there are also many woman out there who have kids and just throw them away. What would they have to say about that.

It is up to you no matter what you choose. I want another. Cant wait to get married so we can start trying.

WebLady

11-24-2005, 12:33 PM

... they have enough neices and nephews that they dont need any of their own.

I feel kind of like this too ... I like to spoil my niece and then give her back when I have had enough :wink:

... some friends saying things to her like how could you not have kids. There are some woman out there who CAN'T have kids and here you are choosing NOT to. Whats wrong with you.

I have had people say things like this to me as well and say that I am selfish and such. I had made this choice in my life to not have children and I am not asking for anyone to approve or understand my decision, I just wish they would leave me alone about it.

... That is just wrong. It is her choice and there is absolutely nothign wrong with having or not having kids.

I agree and I appreciate your comments as I am sure your friend did too! I wish more people would think like you. I say to everyone whether you have kids or not, just do what makes you happy, not what everyone says you 'should' do with your life.

Best wishes,

~ WebLady :)

CarlosHoney

11-24-2005, 12:41 PM

I was in this group....until now. I wasn't planning on having kids. But, hey, accidents happen, right?

That's why I'm getting my tubes tied. No more worries about getting prego. :wink:

WebLady

11-24-2005, 12:48 PM

I was in this group....until now. I wasn't planning on having kids. But, hey, accidents happen, right?

Yep, accidents can happen and I know a few others in this situation.

... That's why I'm getting my tubes tied. No more worries about getting prego. :wink:

My husband has a vasectomy and it has been almost 7 years, so there isn't much chance of an accident here :wink: If I thought there was, I'd get my tubes tied too.

Best wishes to all,

~ WebLady :)

CarlosHoney

11-24-2005, 01:48 PM

I wanted to get mine tied when I was 17. I talked to my Doctor (who refused) and got on Birth Control. I really don't understand why they don't just let you do it when you want to.

I'm going to talk to him the next time I go in. I really want this done. If I change my mind, I can try a reversal, but I don't feel like I need another child. One is quite enough.

WhiskeyGirl

11-24-2005, 02:05 PM

My husband and I really want to have children but we are up against some difficult odds. We will continue to try and hope for the best!! As far as not wanting kids, I didn't want them when I was about 18, I said NO KIDS, I don't want to bring them into this screwy world, but now I realize that it was only screwy back then. (lol) If people don't want to have children and they want to miss out on the love you can have for a child (and all the rest of the excitement) thats their deal and they probably look at it completely different then we who do want children look on it. It's good to know what you do or don't want from life. The only thing that drives me crazy are the people who don't want children who get pregnant and use abortion as a form of birth control. For those of us who experience infertility it is sooooo frustrating!! I often hear from my brother's wife how her sister got pregnant but because she doesn't want children she just goes and gets an abortion. (i'm not trying to start a debate about abortion so lets just leave that issue alone!!) It pisses ME off! I want to beat her with a two by four when I hear this!!

I admire people who don't want to have children, it tells me that they are secure and know exactly what they want in life, so the more power to ya!!

~CB~

WebLady

11-24-2005, 03:06 PM

I wanted to get mine tied when I was 17. I talked to my Doctor (who refused) and got on Birth Control. I really don't understand why they don't just let you do it when you want to.

I looked into having my tubes tied when I was 24 and I also talked to 2 Dr's who refused to do it! One even tried to tell me there was some law against it. I found out later that it was a Dr's preference.

I'm going to talk to him the next time I go in. I really want this done. If I change my mind, I can try a reversal, but I don't feel like I need another child. One is quite enough.

If you really want this just keep pushing for it. A friend of mine has 2 kids (by 2 different men) and she wanted to get her tubes tied after her last one and her Dr talked her out of it. Now she wishes she had pushed to get it done.

Like you said, if you change your mind there is always reversal or adoption.

My sister has one and says she doesn't want anymore so I mentioned to her that she should get her tubes tied and she doesn't want to have surgery and her fiance doesn't want to go through with the vasectomy either ... so I just hope no more 'accidents' happen.

The way I look at it is if you don't want to have kids, do something about it. I was scared when I was looking into having my tubes tied but I would have done it and still would if need be. I am so glad my honey has a vasectomy so I don't have to worry about it.

Best of luck to you!

~ WebLady :)

Jenn060306

11-24-2005, 08:01 PM

My best friend has decided she doesen't want to have childeren. She's really not a fan of kids, the career she is going into would be very difficult to handle if she did have children.
My aunt also never hand children. She doesen't regret it at all, her and her husband have done lots of traveling. Even lived over seas for a few years. They are very career oriented happy people.

My fiance and i hope to have 2 or 3 children. I am an only child, and i'm terrified of being alone in the world one day. So we'd like to have at least 2. My parents struggled with having children. My yonger brother passed away at 18months due to cancer. They looked into adoption, but were refused because the agency felt 31 was too old for a couple to adopt a child.
There have been times where i have felt absolutly terrified of having kids, and have not wanted to to avoid the possible heart break of loosing one.

It's too bad that more people can not respect a couples choice to not have children.

LaceyinPgh

11-24-2005, 10:15 PM

A doctor won't tie your tubes at 17 or 18 because let's face it, we all change a lot between 17 and let's say 30. It can be a very irreversable procedure.

As for those of you who don't want kids, you aren't selfish at all. Don't ever let someone tell you that. Selfish is having a kid to conform to society then resenting your choice. In that situaion only the baby suffers.

For those of you struggeling infertility, I understand. My best friend had a hell of time getting pregnant with both of her girls. She had endometriosis and adhesions so badly that she had to have a complete hysterectomy at 23. My aunt was told at 17 that she had gone through menopause and there was nothing she would ever be able to do. She would neer had children and have to be on hormones the rest of her life. When she was about 35 she started to get very sick and tired and couldn't figure out what was going on. She was pregnant. That was 16 years ago. She has had a regualr period ever sinc emy cousin was born.

Now, onto my choice. I think I want kids some days. I know that Sean does. But somedays I wonder what kind of mother I would be. I am such a distant and detached person that I wonder if I could ever hav ea strong maternal bond. So the answer is, I don't know.

rainbowtreat

11-24-2005, 11:34 PM

WebLady

11-25-2005, 01:41 AM

Weblady, my first husband ws an accident. His dad had 4 kids and his mom had one when they got together. His dad had had a vasectomy but his mom got pregnant any ways. So if you truly dont want kids you may want to think about having your tubes tied for the sake of it might happen by chance. I have herad of this happening more then once with more then one couple when the guy has had a vasectomy. Just becareful is all i am saying caue you never know what will happen.

I hear ya, and thank you for your concern. Yes I have heard of this happening but it is rare and there are lots of factors that contrubute to it.

Typically with a vasectomy, they snip and clamp the vas-deferens (spelling?) and it leaves only a tiny gap and there is a chance that the tubes can grow back together. In the type that my husband had they cut and cauderized the tubes and there is a larger gap. So there is less of a chance of the tubes growing back. And the chances lessened even more each year. The body gets use to not releasing the sperm and it is actually absorbed. It has been 7 years for him ... and we go get it tested every year or so :wink: The Dr's say that there is a less than 1% chance of anything happening at this point. They even said if he was to get a reversal, the chance of it being effective would be slim to none as well, so I am not too worried about it anymore.

~ WebLady :)

CarlosHoney

11-25-2005, 10:27 AM

Now, onto my choice. I think I want kids some days. I know that Sean does. But somedays I wonder what kind of mother I would be. I am such a distant and detached person that I wonder if I could ever hav ea strong maternal bond. So the answer is, I don't know.I was the same way. I work in a toy store, so I'm good at talking to kids, but Carlo is like an alien. He doesn't understand how to talk to them on their level (not 'dumbing down' your conversation, just understanding what their level of comprehension is).

The farther along I get (6 weeks to go!) the more I feel this maternal bubbling coming from somewhere within. The instinct will kick in when the baby comes. I'm already seeing things a different way. Last night, my *favorite* person in the world was at Thanksgiving. She was in such a bad mood, and was yelling at this little dog. Screaming at the dog who doesn't understand why you're yelling at her, that's real mature.. Instead of my normal thought ('What a b!%@&!') I thought about how she would NEVER be there when I wasn't around my baby. Even then, I don't want my child around her. She's really vile.

I understand the frustration of not being able to conceive, and how it feels to see people taking their fertility for granted. I had an abortion when I was 18, and it was the most painful, terrifying experience of my life. I cried through the whole thing, and still have nightmares. I told Carlo (it happened when we were together for 3 months) that I'd never have another. So, when it happened again, he knew that I was keeping this baby.

I really want to get my tubes tied. I've been thinking about it for a while. It just seems like the most responsible decision. I don't want another child, and if I change my mind, we can try a reversal at that time. Unless I can find a good, reliable, long term birth control solution, that is what I'm going to do.

CindySue

11-25-2005, 01:30 PM

What about the new IUDs or something like that? Id hate for you to become a mother and decide that you would like one more baby and not be able to have one. I havent heard of many of the reversals that work.
I felt like you did when I was younger, before I had my 1st. But I loved being a mother SOOOO much I was so glad that they didnt tie my tubes. I had a friend get hers tied after she had her 1st and now she wants a baby and has had 3 surguries and still cant get pregnant.
Dont worry about Carlos......most men learn how to communicate with children with their own.

CarlosHoney

11-25-2005, 01:38 PM

One of my friends had one of the new IUD's. She had cramps all the time, and the string made intimacy not so fun. She was sore to the touch, and felt awful. She got it taken out 4 months later. It never got better.

I already have a really painful cycle. IUD's can make it more heavy and crampy, which I already am in bed all day my first day, just because it's so painful.

I don't know. Carlo doens't want me to tie them either. I just don't want to get preg again until I want to. If I don't, then I don't. I'm afraid of another surprise baby.

CindySue

11-25-2005, 01:42 PM

I understand about the "surprise babies" but sometimes they are the most fun! Talk to your doctor, tell him that. Maybe he can help you come up with a solution. There are a lot more option now days than there used to be (as I just found out).
Good Luck!

WhiskeyGirl

11-25-2005, 01:45 PM

I have to agree with CindySue. A reversal of tuballigation is very difficult and you are young Carlo'sHoney. Perhaps you can check into something like Deprovera, I've heard thats very effective. Just remember that you are young and your feelings and opinions will change as you grow older, and you would really kick yourself in the future if you made the decision to have your tubes tied and then decided that you would love to have a sister or brother for your son!!

~CB~

WebLady

11-25-2005, 01:51 PM

From my research, the reversals are rarely affective especially the longer you wait. So if you want to keep the option open I would suggest taking The Pill (properly) and use a condom every-time you have sex.

What I mean by 'properly' above is take the pill on-time everyday, take the brand, not the generic, don't smoke, don't have sex when you are sick and/or on antibiotic or steroid medications. Talk to your doctor for more.

My sister is on the depo shot, she says it works well for her but she also uses condoms. Even the IUD is not 100% ... condoms break, and other forms of BC are not always effective on their own. So unless your partner is sterile, use a condom every-time no matter what birth control you are on. I am sure we have all known a 'birth control' baby!

Aside from sterilization the best protection is BC AND A CONDOM.

And if you go through with a surgical procedure, go back for the followup to make sure it took!! Most of the pregnancies after a vasectomy are because something went wrong ... only 3% of men ever go back for the follow up!

Like I said before, whether you decide to have children or not just do what makes you happy, not what society says you 'should' ... do what feels right for you in your situation.

Best to everyone,

~ WebLady :)

CarlosHoney

11-25-2005, 01:54 PM

Yeah, I figure I'll do something else for BC, and in 5 years either have a kid or tie them at that point. I'll talk to my Doc about my options. I feel like I want to know that I'll be protected. Depo causes massive weight gain and mood swings. Really bad mood swings.

I've always researched pretty thoroughly about BC and what is out there, and I just don't see anything out there that is going to suit my particular needs. I was on the patch before, but I just read something on CNN.com saying that you absorb more estrogen on the patch, which can cause blood cloting and major problems. So, that's out. I've tried a lot of different stuff, wasn't ever truly happy with any of it.

I'll see what my Doctor says.

WebLady

11-25-2005, 02:01 PM

I'll see what my Doctor says

Be sure to fully explain your concerns and ask questions. Many doctors won't tell you "everything" unless you ask ... they have too many patients to deal with I guess. For example, my sister's Dr didn't tell her that the generic BC Pills were only 98% when the other was 99% and then the antibiotics lessened it even more! When she got pregnant, while on BC, she asked the Dr and then she told her about all that stuff and said it was in the 'papers' too.

I have done lots of research on birth control in the past but there are lots more options out there now so just be sure to do the research and ask the right questions.

Best of luck to you!

~ WebLady :)

CarlosHoney

11-25-2005, 03:12 PM

WebLady

11-25-2005, 03:29 PM

I can't use condoms. They irritate my skin down there so bad!! We've tried the kind without spermicide. The ones that aren't latex. Different brands. Plus, it's hard to find them in the proper size that are more gentle.. That's why I need a very reliable BC method. I just feel like I'd rather not have any more than get pregnant again if we're not trying.

If I feel like I want another baby that bad, I'll adopt. :wink:

If that is the case then I would talk to your FH and your Dr and if you decide you don't want to have anymore then have your tubes tied or get Carlo to have a vasectomy. The vasectomy is actually less invasive and has less side effects and is usually cheaper. After the baby is born would be the perfect time, you are not going to be able to have sex for a few weeks after anyway :wink:

But if you don't do something and you are sexually active, it is very likely that you will get pregnant again, it is only a matter of when.

If one of you does have the procedure, there is always adoption if you were to change your mind in the future.

If the Dr's protest then keep pushing, you can have them disbarred (or whatever the Dr term is) for pushing their personal beliefs on you.

But don't let anyone else make the decision for you! Not me, not your family and not your Doctor.

I wish the best for you!

~ WebLady :)

CindySue

11-25-2005, 03:36 PM

Well there the "ring" now. I want to check into that. And is there still the once a month shot? There was at one time and it wasnt supposed to have the side effects that the 3 month one did.
Im taking the pill myself and dont really like taking a pill everyday, but ive had good results on it. (except a few weeks ago when I was taking that generic :evil: ) Right now I dont think I want anymore since I already have 4 and he has 1, but Brian and I have talked about it and in a couple of years we might want one together. Im also scared that a soon as I did go and get my tubes tied and the option of more children was taken from me, I would want one soooo bad.
We do use condoms too sometimes but the size that he needs in order to be comfortable they dont sell around here. We have to get them in the next town and its stupid to drive that far just for that. So we are just very careful. We dont take chances but we also know that if God decides that we are going to have a baby then no amount of birth control is going to stop it.

CindySue

11-25-2005, 03:43 PM

And WebLady is right, it IS your decision. I only gave you my opinion because I remember being in your shoes and seeing how things turned out for me made me glad it didnt happen. But that is just me, you could feel different.
But drs do seem to want to push their views on their patients. My little sister has 4 kids and the last 3 were born 6/19/02, 5/5/03, and 8/30/04. I mean she had 3 kids in 2 years, 2 months and 11 days :shock: . She without a doubt DID NOT want anymore, but the nurse in the drs office tried to talk her out of it.

CarlosHoney

11-26-2005, 07:45 AM

I did the ring. **POSSIBLE TMI** It scraped Carlo really bad, and he was bleeding, and he has a scar, and this happened over 2 years ago, and he just now is getting rid of the scab. Plus, it made me cramp up all the time.

I was on the once a month shot (Lunelle) and it was great. But, it's been taken off the market.

Norplant has been taken off the market too. That's the implant that works for 5-7 years. I've gone over all the options, and it really seems like the tubal is the best option.. Though It would suck to change my mind down the road.. I don't know if it's worth another surprise just to wait on getting my tubes tied.

WebLady

11-26-2005, 05:15 PM

Whether you have 5 kids, or 1, or none ... I wish the best for each of you in whatever decisions you make.

I think the bottom line in all this is that we should choose our own paths in life and not be lead by what our friends and family and society try to force on us.

Life is not about trying to fit into some 'ideal' mold of what others think we should do and be, it's about growing and finding our way and making the choices to live our lives how we see fit ... after all, WE are the ones that have to live the life and deal with those choices everyday.

I believe that we all can have a full and happy life, with or without having children ... life is what you make of it. Whether you agree or not, as adults and as just plain decent people, we should respect each other's choices even if they are different from your own.

I sincerely appreciate it that the comments on the original topic here have not been rude or hurtful and that we have been able to express our opinions (and expand on the topic :wink:) without calling each other names and/or demeaning the other person's lifestyle.

The subject of whether or not to have children has been brought up on other boards and in my personal life in the past and it often becomes a quite 'heated' discussion. It is sad to me that we cannot all be more Adult, and be understanding and compassionate of others.

Well, that is all I wanted to say right now.

Again, my best to all!

~ WebLady :)

CindySue

11-26-2005, 06:58 PM

Youre right WebLady....a persons desire to have or not to have kids is each persons/couples decision. While I will admit I started having mine before I was probably really ready to have them, if I had put it off, I might not have ever done it. My children are my life. I also know that not everyone is made to be parents, and its much better to realize that before having kids than to have one and decide.."hmmmm maybe this aint for me"
I do know people that have kids and dont really want them, and I know people that thought they didnt want any and years later wished they did.
I also know people that are perfectly happy with the decision they made.
Each and everyone of us have to live with the decisions we make, and thats all that should really matter. Only WE know whats in our hearts.

usahgrad

11-28-2005, 05:33 PM

WOW! So many different decisions. I don't know about the rest of you and your preferences as far as BC goes, but I ABSOLUTELY LOVE the patch (Ortho Evra). I have not had ANY problems with it whatsoever (of course, I say that as I'm craving chocolate...hmm...lol).

Funny story, my mother and father were not planning on having children. He was on medication that was supposed to make him sterile; well, as I'm sure you all can tell, he wasn't sterile. This happened to them twice over, so my mother got her tubes tied. The same thing happened to my grandparents...but they only had one. My neice was a Birth Control Baby as well.

I know that the depo shot worked well for my sister-in-law and the pill works great for my best friend. I guess it all depends on what you prefer, although I would suggest looking into other options before you go to the extremes of getting your tubes tied. However, as you said, there's always adoption and there are plenty of children out there who need parents.

As far as I go, I have always wanted children...and I mean LOTS of children. My fiance wants two or three and I'd like to foster as well. He has also always wanted children and, like me, can't wait until we're married and can start trying. We're scared about the money aspect, but I know we'll make it work. I can't wait until we can have kids!

However, I can understand not wanting to have kids. I watched my sister graduate with a girl who was seven months pregnant; I've seen children having children and it scares me to think that some day that could be my child having children...I hope it won't be, but you never know. This world is SO hard and SO expensive! I can see both sides of the story.

rainbowtreat

11-28-2005, 06:30 PM

The way I look at it is if I waited till I could afford to have kids I never would have them. It doesn't seem to matter these days. Every thing is so expensive. But my kids are fed and they have new clothes and shoes when they need them. The don't want for anything they can't have. ( unelss your talking every new toy they see on TV these days lol ) But they are happy. Yes I live pay check to pay check but they are great kids and they are happy and healthy. What really bothers me is right now I get some help on paying my child care. I could get W.I.C. if i needd it. But once I am married all that will go away and so the expense goes up.

When I first split up with my ex I tried for food stamps because I was just barely making it, child support went soely to day care, I had very minimal cable just so the kids could have some cartoons once in a while. The phone was the cheapest I could get it. ( being a single mom with 2 kids i felt i needed a phone in the house ) The welfare department told me if I got my hours cut back I could get food stamps. OK tell me this, I can't make my bills now and can't afford food but if I get my hours cut back I can atleast feed my kids but then where would the rent money comes from. Have to pay rent so we have a place to live, have to fuel the car to get me to work, have to pay day care so I can go to work. Things HAVE to be paid.

But all and all through al of this we managed to stay happy ( well the kids were ). It was hard but i have seen worse. I guess what gets me the most in all of this is i was and still am working trying to make a livign for my kids. And could get no help from the state. But I would see and hear about woman livign off welfare, gettign free child care and getting EVERYTHING paid for. This is backwards if you ask me. The oens who are willing to work and leave their kids with some one else all day get no help at all even when the need just a little. I wasn't even able to get low income housing.

OK i have went way off subject here and I am sorry. I have my kdis and they are great kids and I would do it all over again if given the chance. Life may be hard but I wouldnt change it for nothing. My kids are great and yes I want more. I dont want the idea of not being able to afford it to scare me off. There are ways and we make it work.

Sorry for the rant. Something just clicked in me.

CindySue

11-28-2005, 07:05 PM

I know exactly where youre coming from rainbowtreat, as a single mother with 4, I know about things being tough. Ive also had difficultly with government assistance.
But I would do every bit of it all over again.

CarlosHoney

11-28-2005, 08:09 PM

WOW! So many different decisions. I don't know about the rest of you and your preferences as far as BC goes, but I ABSOLUTELY LOVE the patch (Ortho Evra). I have not had ANY problems with it whatsoever (of course, I say that as I'm craving chocolate...hmm...lol).

I was on the patch before I got PG. Read this, though:

http://www.cnn.com/2005/HEALTH/11/10/patch.warning.ap.ap/

angellove

12-12-2005, 06:40 AM

I don't want any kids of my own maybe when I am older I will adopt maybe one or two max!

LizabethDavis

12-12-2005, 08:33 AM

Wow. If we were on certain other boards, this discussion would have got ugly I think...Thank goodness the girls here are mature... I, like Cindy, probably had my first before I was really ready...had him when I was 15...but I am glad I did it then, because if I hadn't I probably would be in the group of people who don't want them.....I had my daughter on my 19th birthday!! So, that saves some money on cake for us!! Hehehehe...anyway, we totally plan on having another one...It's a personal decision for everyone, but we couldn't imagine not having more.

bnd94

12-12-2005, 11:37 AM

I go from thinking I want one or two one day to not sure if I want any the next. I don't know if this is normal!! But it defintetly tells me I am not ready yet. I really don't think I could imagine my life without having at least one child though. I think I would grow old feeling cheated! And regret it.
This is a touchy subject for FH and I. Everytime I ask him he tells me he doesn't know or maybe someday. He has been giving me this excuse for almost 12 years now! I just want him to give me a real answer before we get married. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone other than him and maybe he is the reason I have days where I think I don't want any kids. But if he said he definetly does not want any kids then I think I would need to take a hard look at my life and what I want for the future.

CindySue

12-12-2005, 12:00 PM

Your right Becky......you probably arent ready. BUT......those wonderful babies have a way of showing up whether youre ready for them or not! We might not feel ready, but God knows we are.

bnd94

12-12-2005, 12:08 PM

I would love for us to get pregnant on accident! Oh that would be perfect. I don't know if he feels the same way as me but he has said it would be easier. But it has been almost 12 years and no accident yet. I guess we are just too careful! LOL!!
I have been told that some people never feel ready. And if they keep waiting for the time to be right before you know it it is too late.

CindySue

12-12-2005, 12:13 PM

I was told the same thing.......you are NEVER really ready to have kids. You have your child and do the best you can.

ikkin510

12-12-2005, 06:57 PM

Steve and I want kids. My mom owned her own day care so I grew up taking care of them and couldn't picture my life without them! I would love to have a huge family. Steve on the other hand only wants 2. We would also like to adopt at least one child.

usahgrad

12-12-2005, 07:06 PM

Carrie, the link didn't open right...I got to CNN, but not to the article. Although, I've been hearing a LOT lately about the problems people have been having with the patch because it's got more hormones in it. Here's the thing, I talked to my gyno about this and he said, it's got more homones in it because they have to be absorbed through the skin and the people who are having problems with it are having problems because they put the patch on their breast (where they are told not to) and the skin on your breast is different than the skin on the rest of your body because it has to stretch for when you're pregnant and your mammory glands stretch. He said, as long as I use the patch the way you are directed to use it, then I'll be fine. :)

WebLady

12-16-2005, 01:16 AM

... But if he said he definetly does not want any kids then I think I would need to take a hard look at my life and what I want for the future.

This is defiantly something you should discuss with him before you get married. You are planning to spend the rest of your life with this person, you should have the same (or at least compatible) hopes and dreams and goals for life. If you don't you are bound to have problems.

When I was younger I would go back and forth about wanting maybe one to wanting none. When I was married to my first husband he would say the same things as your FH. "I don't know, maybe one day" We were married for 6 years and he kept saying that and I kept leaning towards not but he wouldn't ever give me a strait answer.

As much as I love my husband now, if he came to me one day and said he changed his mind and decided he wanted kids, we would have some problems.

Best wishes to you!

bnd94

12-16-2005, 09:24 AM

This is defiantly something you should discuss with him before you get married. You are planning to spend the rest of your life with this person, you should have the same (or at least compatible) hopes and dreams and goals for life. If you don't you are bound to have problems.

When I was younger I would go back and forth about wanting maybe one to wanting none. When I was married to my first husband he would say the same things as your FH. "I don't know, maybe one day" We were married for 6 years and he kept saying that and I kept leaning towards not but he wouldn't ever give me a strait answer.

As much as I love my husband now, if he came to me one day and said he changed his mind and decided he wanted kids, we would have some problems.

Best wishes to you!

Thanks for the advice! Yeah I would like to get an answer before we get married. But I will probably just let it go. I know him well enough to know that he will come around. We both wanted to be married before we seriously considered having kids anyway. We have everything else in common though.

WebLady

12-16-2005, 12:46 PM

Thanks for the advice! Yeah I would like to get an answer before we get married. But I will probably just let it go ...

In my opinion, choosing whether or not to have children (and/or how many you may want) is a big lifestyle choice! This is something that you should talk to your future spouse about and agree on. What happens if you get married and then later down the road you decide that you are ready to start a family and your husband still says he isn't ready or something like "ya know, I don't think I want kids after-all"

I have seen this kind of thing happen before and from both sides ... one wants kids and the other doesn't and never really got the issue out in the open. Then I have often heard things like "I love my kids, but ..." You don't want to end up resenting your husband for not giving you what you really wanted and/or having him resent you because you "made" him have kids. I know one girl who's husband didn't want kids and she said she didn't either ... then a few years after they got married she just stopped taking her BC and got pregnant. They divorced shortly after the baby was born.

... I know him well enough to know that he will come around. We both wanted to be married before we seriously considered having kids anyway. We have everything else in common though.

For all of you ladies out there ... just know that there is much more to being married than being in love, ya know what I mean.

One thing I have learned is that you can't change people and you can't always bank on the hope that they come around to your way of thinking.

But bnd94, if you feel comfortable with they way things are with you and your FH, then go with that. You gotta do what you feel is right for you and not let anyone else tell you otherwise. Just be sure it is what you really want and you have covered all your bases and asked yourself and your FH all the "hard questions"

Please do not take offence, I am just offering some helpful advice.

Best of luck to all of you!

~ WebLady :)

bnd94

12-16-2005, 07:37 PM

Well I just want to be honest here......I will not take offense for what you posted cause I don't think you meant it the way I took it.
I feel this way because it is not like we just started dating a few years ago. We will be celebrating 12 years this spring. We have lived together for 11 of those years. We know eachother VERY well! There is nothing that we can't talk about. Personally I don't see the difference between living together the way we have and being married other than some laws and a piece of paper. I don't ever pressure him to do anything he doesn't want or is not ready to do and I never will. But If I went to him and told him I that really really wanted/needed to have a baby I know he would want to too. I don't question our relationship at all over this.
I appreciate your advice and hope that there will not be any hard feelings(there are none here:D ) I just wanted to be honest.

WebLady

12-16-2005, 07:58 PM

Well I just want to be honest here......I will not take offense for what you posted cause I don't think you meant it the way I took it ...
I don't know how you took it but I meant no disrespect or anything :)

... I feel this way because it is not like we just started dating a few years ago. We will be celebrating 12 years this spring. We have lived together for 11 of those years. We know eachother VERY well! There is nothing that we can't talk about. Personally I don't see the difference between living together the way we have and being married other than some laws and a piece of paper ...

It is great that you can talk to him about anything, I think that your husband should be your best friend. I had no idea you guys had been together that long. That is great! My husband and I have been together nearly 7 years now but have only been legally married for 8 months but I feel like we have been 'married' for many years ;)

... I don't ever pressure him to do anything he doesn't want or is not ready to do and I never will. But If I went to him and told him I that really really wanted/needed to have a baby I know he would want to too. I don't question our relationship at all over this.

That is great! Like I said before, if you feel comfortable with the way things are, go with it. You know him and your relationship better than anyone else does. You gotta do what you feel is right for you and don't let me or anyone else tell you otherwise.

Most of my comments were sort of general, for others that might be in a similar situation and read this later. I always tell couples to be sure to talk about the important things with your SO and be sure you both want the same things out of life, cover all your bases and ask the "hard questions"

I appreciate your advice and hope that there will not be any hard feelings(there are none here:D ) I just wanted to be honest.

No hard feelings here ... I am a big girl and I know not everyone will agree with me. I am honest with my opinions and I always try to help people. I am glad that you and the other ladies (and the few guys) here are mature and we can talk opening about things. That is why I like it here.

Best wishes to you all,

~ WebLady :)