I told my FMIL off

[tiaraqueen]

Here is the story: my godmother is dying of terminal breast cancer and my sister was recently in a car accident in which she sustained life threatening injuries. She will have to have months of physical therapy to even function normally. On top of this, I am trying to plan a wedding-a wedding that both my godmother and sister insist should still go ahead. My FMIL has been calling, texting me every other day about 20 times a day re small wedding details and wanting to get together for girly stuff-I have told her repeatedly that for right now, I am not interested in any outings, that I need to focus on what my family is going through and to keep my head clear. She doesn't get it. She keeps insisting, despite the fact that we never have gotten on. Last night, I had it. I had just come back from visiting my godmom, who looks worse every minute. She was too weak to even eat the french onion soup I made-her fave. FMIL called, saying she had reserved a spa weekend just for us. I told her very bluntly, that I was not interested and even if I was, she was the LAST person I would ever want to spend my leisure time with. I also told her that she doesn't seem to understand what I am going through and that until further notice leave me alone and bother FH with her questions.

I hung up on her and felt better. I know it was all the emotion of what I was going through coming out and part of me isn't sorry for letting her know how I feel. I guess, I don't know if I necessarily want advice, but does anyone understand me?

[StaceyMc]

Welcome to OneWed. I'm sorry to hear about your godmom and sister. That's a lot of "stuff" to handle at anytime, not to mention while you're planning your wedding.

As for your FMIL, she may have been trying to schedule girly stuff with you to help you cope with the tragedy that's striking in your life right now. While I agree that it can be super aggravating to have someone harping on you about little details, she might have just been trying to help.

You might want to sit down and help her understand your emotions and what you're going through.

[tiaraqueen]

At the moment, I am having FH deal with his mom. I know it sounds weak and it won't always be this way, but I can't deal right now. My mom just called to tell me that it looks my godmom has literally days and not 3 months, as we were originally told, left to live.

[shawnsgirl]

Before I go giving you and advice I first off would like to say to you that I am sorry you and your family is going thru this. This is supposed to be a happy time for you and your watching your godmother pass away and your sister struggle to get better from the car accident..
I must say this though. Your FMIL is going to be your family too. She is very excited that her son is marrying you and is trying very hard to spend time with you and get to know you better. This is not easy for her either, her son is getting married and is going to have a wife now and that changes things a lot. ALthough it may sound like she's being annoying and she is being unappropiate because of everything going on, she has good intentions and I think you should give her a little slack here. It's okay to turn down invitations but at the same time understand where she is coming from too. You should feel lucky that your FMIL wants to be as involved as she is in the wedding planning and greatful that she wants to spend time with you. Good luck.

[ladymelissa]

I am so sorry your family has so much going on right now, that is horrible and I really feel for you. But telling your FMIL this,

was the LAST person I would ever want to spend my leisure time with.
is way, way harsh and I think she deserves an apology. I understand you were very stressed at the moment, but you should really tell her that and apologize profusely. She is just trying to build a relationship with you. Maybe you could open up and tell her what a horrible time your family is going through right now and how distraught you feel about it.

[tiaraqueen]

FH has told his mom repeatedly what my family is going through. As a matter of fact, she was visiting us when I found out about my sister. She just won't dial back her requests. The other day, I told her I was going by the hospital to see my sister and she suggested we go to the movies at the exact same time I was to see my sister. She is clueless.

[MissJakob]

I have to agree with tiaraqueen. I think that there are some people that you really have to be blunt with and lay it all out there for them. Otherwise they don't get it. It sounds as if her FMIL has definitely overstepped her boundaries and is not listening to the repeated words tiaraqueen is telling her. There is a time and place for everything, and going to the movies while a close friend is on her deathbed is NOT the time for it. A grown woman should recognize that and should also recognize there is time for bonding and fostering a relationship later. If I were her FMIL and my invites were denied, I would send some flowers, offer my condolences and assistance in the other stuff (like cooking or errands or whatever), and talk to my son about wedding questions.

My sympathies to you and your family.

[tiaraqueen]

Actually, it wasn't my close friend, it was my sister. I know all about how if you don't have a great FMIL relationship, your marriage is doomed to hell, but I can't really care or think about that right now. I know I am selfish and wrong, but I can't. It is so unimportant compared to everything else.

[WebLady]

First off I'm sorry to hear about what all you are going through and can understand your frustrations with your FMIL.

But do you think your emotions got the best of you and you acted a little too harshly towards her? Maybe she was just trying to be nice and take your mind off all you are dealing with.

I know you have alot going on right now and I can understand how you must feel. And it is good to vent, we are always here for each other.

Maybe you can have your FH explain to her that you just need to take some time to sort things out with your family. Then you can talk to FMIL later and maybe apologize to her for taking out your frustrations on her. But that is just my opinion. I wish you all the best!

[jeni740]

I am sorry for what you are going through, but I dont think its OK to hang up on your FMIL she is just trying to be nice from what I can see. Your FH should of just told her that you are dealing with alot right now and that you will call her when you are ready. If I dont want to speak to someone I screen my calls, why dont you try that? Then you don't seem like you are being rude when you are just deeply hurt right now. I wish you the best of luck in repairing yours and your FMIL relationship, hopefully she will see you were just upset and not be offended. I wish your sister a speedy recovery.

[BriansBride07]

So sorry you are dealing with all this in your life at the same time you are trying to plan a wedding. It does sound like to me though that your FMIL is trying to get your mind off the bad things going on in your life and get you to relax. But with all the stress going on in your life you are taking it the wrong way.

[tiaraqueen]

I want to thank you all for keeping my loved ones in your thoughts and prayers. My sister is getting stronger day by day and we found out that it looks like via a pending lawsuit, we may be getting a settlement that will pay for all of my sister's medical bills.

Re my FMIL, maybe I am being stubborn or because of all I am going through, not thinking clearly, but I don't feel I need to apologize to her. She has been very intrusive, never sympathetic, never once asking about the health of either my godmother or sister, just pushing herself and her agenda on me. I feel I was right to say what I said to her

[BriansBride07]

Glad to hear that your sister is getting stronger everyday. Yes I do agree that you need to apologize to your FMIL. But I still think that maybe she was just trying to help in her own way even though you didn't agree with her way of helping you. I hope it all works out in the end for you. Best of luck,

[jeni740]

I want to thank you all for keeping my loved ones in your thoughts and prayers. My sister is getting stronger day by day and we found out that it looks like via a pending lawsuit, we may be getting a settlement that will pay for all of my sister's medical bills.

Re my FMIL, maybe I am being stubborn or because of all I am going through, not thinking clearly, but I don't feel I need to apologize to her. She has been very intrusive, never sympathetic, never once asking about the health of either my godmother or sister, just pushing herself and her agenda on me. I feel I was right to say what I said to her

I am glad your sister is getting better, and yes I also think you are being stubborn and I also still think no matter how mad you are you owe her an apology.

[WebLady]

I am glad your sister is getting better, and yes I also think you are being stubborn and I also still think no matter how mad you are you owe her an apology.
I agree on both counts.

As I said before, maybe your FMIL was just trying to be nice and take your mind off all you are dealing with. Maybe she didn't do it the right way. But I can't imagine that she is just heartless and insensitive, maybe she just doesn't know how to reach out. I could be wrong though

Maybe for now you can have your FH explain to her that you just need to take some time to sort out everything that is going on with your family. Then when things have calmed down you can talk to FMIL try to make peace.

But again, this is just my opinion. Wishing you all the best!

ETA - What does your FH say about all this with his mother?

[ladymelissa]

It's not ever a good idea to be rude esp. to someone who will be part of your family. It may happen when one is under a lot of stress and doesn't think before they speak, but it does warrant an apology. You can tell someone that you aren't in the mood to talk weddings at this point in time without using the words you chose.

Maybe she doesn't act the way you would want her to, but that does not justify stooping below her level no matter what is going on in your life. You cannot change her nor can you change the fact that she will be a part of your life, unless you choose not to marry your FH.

I also think you are very self centered, you are acting like you are the only person in the world that has had a rough patch. I also find it hard to believe that you can't set aside your problems for a couple minutes to be cordial to her.

Based on your attitude I have very little sympathy for you. For your sister's sake I am happy to hear she is doing better and I do wish her a full recovery. Your godmother remains in my thoughts as well. Best wishes with whatever you decide.

[SerendipityCrafts]

This discussion is going no where. You initially asked if any one understood you .... the simple answer is NO.

We can sympathize with your plight re: your God mother & your sister but we do not agree with the position you took with your FMIL.

You asked for our opinions and we gave them to you. We might not always agree with each other on this board but we are honest, we shoot from the hip, and we tell it like it is.

I have had my share of trials and tribulations but, not once did I ever treat a total stranger, never mind my MIL/FMIL, in such a manner.

[tiaraqueen]

FH knows his mother can be hard to deal with. He has said often that he doesn't feel like dealing with her. He has talked to her, but nothing is working. She wanted to hire a male stripper to send to my godmother, who is dying-what is she thinking?

I don't mean to come across as self centered-it is just hard to see past my sister and my godmother right now. I don't know how caring about them as much as I do is being considered self-centered, especially since it is very likely that FH and I will adopt my godmother's 6 year old daughter as she will have no other family when her mom passes.

[ladymelissa]

I am not going to sit here and debate your FMIL's character. She could be the most wicked person to ever set foot on the face of the planet, but that does not change the fact that you always have the option of taking a higher road.

It is also not wrong to want to invest everything you have into your family right now, but if you have enough time to get on the phone and say one of the most unbelievably rude things I have ever heard then you should also have enough time to apologize and/or say things in a more respectful manner. If you absolutely cannot deal with anyone or anything else then let your calls go to voice mail and get back to them when you can.

There are so many people that experience extreme tragedies and don't go lashing out at people and think it is right.

[ladymelissa]

You also seem to have enough time and energy to get online and debate this with a bunch of people you don't even know. The group of women here are some of the most wonderful, compassionate, intelligent and level headed people with whom I have ever had the pleasure to talk and you don't seem to be making many friends. I'd take that as a sign and start looking at your own character a little more closely before judging others like your FMIL.

[SerendipityCrafts]

You also seem to have enough time and energy to get online and debate this with a bunch of people you don't even know.

You noticed that too did you?

[WebLady]

Standing Ovation for Melissa!

I agree totally and whole heartedly :grinhappy:

[tiaraqueen]

I am sending her a bouquet of flowers and am writing her an apology in the card. that is all I can deal with right now.

[WebLady]

I am sending her a bouquet of flowers and am writing her an apology in the card.
That is a great step and I applaud you for it!
... that is all I can deal with right now.
No one was suggesting that you drop everything and take a vacation together or anything ;)

I hope this can mend things and you can have at least a cordial relationship with your FMIL in the future.

Wishing you and your family all the best!

[tiaraqueen]

Well, your words did make a difference. I don't want to make enemies and I am starting to see that yes, maybe I have been self centered, but I also do think FMIL is having a hard time learning where my boundaries are. It is hard, because she has none and I have many.

Anyway, I am off to visit my godmom. Maybe she will be well enough to eat soup this time around.

[WebLady]

Well, your words did make a difference. I don't want to make enemies and I am starting to see that yes, maybe I have been self centered, but I also do think FMIL is having a hard time learning where my boundaries are. It is hard, because she has none and I have many.

We are always glad to offer advice and/or an impartial opinion and happy when it helps :)

It is hard getting to know people and harder sometimes trying to build a relationship with your spouses (or soon to be's) family. Give it time and try not to take her too seriously when she upsets you. Hopefully in time, you both will start to understand each other a little better.

Anyway, I am off to visit my godmom. Maybe she will be well enough to eat soup this time around.

Your and your family remain in my thoughts and prayers. Best to you :hug:

[ladymelissa]

Best wishes to you and all of your family. I hope you can get through this difficult time and find a happy medium with your FMIL. :hug:

[shawnsgirl]

I think Weblady and Ladymelissa summed it up well. Your family is definatly in my thoughts. I really hope you can find that place with you FMIL because she is going to be in your life for a very long time!

[SerendipityCrafts]

I am sending her a bouquet of flowers and am writing her an apology in the card.

Good for you.

MILs can be trying (LOL and we know that they can) but just try to keep your cool and as Melissa put it - take the high road whenever you are faced with the choice. Your relationship with your FMIL will be better off for it.

[70707Bride]

I'm sorry about your godmom and your sister! I know how hard it is to lose someone that close...I mean jeez, my family keeps dying off or something! Anyway, I agree that you shouldn't have said that "she was the last person you'd want to spend time with" or whatever it was. But I also know that we all say things in the heat of the argument. But I also think that she should have understood what you were going through and that she should have been there for you, not you be there for her.

[hummingbird521]

I just wanted to say after reading this thread that I applaud everyone's comments to tiaraqueen. And I also want to applaud tiaraqueen for making the apology to her MIL. your family is in my thoughts and prayers as is your MIL. I hope it all works out for the best.

[tiaraqueen]

I have been lurking here the last few days, mainly reading other posts to take my mind off my grief. I decided to reply when I saw your kind messages.My godmother died Tuesday night and I am planning her funeral. My sister is not doing well with her physical therapy and we are all worried. I have had lunch a few times with FMIL and I am sorry to say that things are not going well. When I told her that the funeral for my godmom was this Friday, she said "What about me and my plans?" That is the same day she is getting an award Commerce for her community service and he was supposed to be her date. She said that she hoped I wouldn't be keeping her from her as I had been ever since my "drama" started. I calmly told her I was going to politely say goodbye and forget she was ever so thoughtless. I then hung up. Again, thank you for your prayers.

[hummingbird521]

I have been lurking here the last few days, mainly reading other posts to take my mind off my grief. I decided to reply when I saw your kind messages.My godmother died Tuesday night and I am planning her funeral. My sister is not doing well with her physical therapy and we are all worried. I have had lunch a few times with FMIL and I am sorry to say that things are not going well. When I told her that the funeral for my godmom was this Friday, she said "What about me and my plans?" That is the same day she is getting an award Commerce for her community service and he was supposed to be her date. She said that she hoped I wouldn't be keeping her from her as I had been ever since my "drama" started. I calmly told her I was going to politely say goodbye and forget she was ever so thoughtless. I then hung up. Again, thank you for your prayers.

I am sorry to hear of your godmother's passing. How sad it is. It sounds as if you have given your FMIL your best shot at making it work. I am sorry to hear that she sounds quite selfish about things as well. To automatically say "what about me and my plans". I sincerely hope she improves herself.

[WebLady]

I am sorry to hear of your godmother's passing. How sad it is. It sounds as if you have given your FMIL your best shot at making it work. I am sorry to hear that she sounds quite selfish about things as well. To automatically say "what about me and my plans". I sincerely hope she improves herself.
Elizabeth said everything I was thinking.

[BriansBride07]

Sorry to hear about your godmother passing. I hope your sister's PT helps her soon. I will continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts.

Sorry your FMIL is still not coming around. I wish you all the best.

[ger]

I am so sorry about your Godmother. I hope things get better for your sister. I'm praying for your family

[shawnsgirl]

I am so sorry for your loss and I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. I think you have done all that you could to try to make this work with your FMIL. I am proud of you that you had gone to lunches and made an effort with her. To me I think this about your FMIL, please don't take offense it is only my opinion. I think your FMIL has this way of thinking that the world revolves around her therefore she is very selfish. I also think she tends to talk without thinking first. She needs to work on her impulsive comments.

On the other hand, you will probably will have to deal with this woman for the rest of her life. My advice is for you to hang in there and attempt to tolerate her as much as possible. When she becomes untolerable you can always politely walk away like you did in the most recent situation. I think you handled it better than most of us would and kudos to you for doing that!

[ladymelissa]

I am sorry to hear about your godmother. You and your family are in my thoughts. I also agree with shawnsgirl's assessment.

[HisMuse]

My MIL (I have always considered her MIL) is very pushy and doesn't know how to back off. There have been several times I've had to be really aggressive with her...it's the only way to get through to her.