Vent .... when do teenagers learn to consider anyone else but themselves?

[SerendipityCrafts]

VENT Alert!!!

My son is 16. He earns money here and there throughout the year. I also give him an allowance of $10 a week (for doing nothing I might add). Before Christmas he asked to borrow money from me to buy Christmas presents. He said he had nothing saved up and he didn't want to "look bad".

I asked him to write out a list of who he had to buy for and to come up with a number. Long story short ... I ended up loaning him $115. I suggested a 50% cut in his allowance until the loan was paid off but he didn't want to do that because he had plans to buy the new sony or PS2 game thingy!

Instead, he thought he might work where I do (which has happened before) and he could pay me back with his earnings. That said, everytime he comes here on the train it costs me $120 for his train fare!

Long story short .... we got together after Christmas and he immediately tells me that he didn't have a chance to get DH & I a gift but said that he had $50 left of the money I leant him.

I asked him if he bought his father, his grandparents & his sister a gift. He said he had but he bought those gifts before Christmas. I asked him why he didn't shop for ours & his grandmother's at the same time and he told me it was because he wanted to go out shopping for our gifts on boxing day. Then he went on to blame his father because Dad didn't want to take him shopping on boxing day.

The kid could have WALKED over to the hardware store and bought us a kettle or a wrench for goodness sake. Or he could have bought a box of chocolates fromt he grocery story. He also could have made something (even a hand made card) and I would have been happy but he didn't do anything. Nothing! Nada! This also isn't the first time .... I was dissed for my birthday last year (Mother's day too I think).

I am certainly old enough to know that Christmas isn't about the gifts but I am hurt. I am also angry that I bought my ex inlaws, his Dad's and his (hmmphh!) Dad's GF a gift as well.

When he was here this past weekend, my son was talking about buying a computer desk and so today, I cut DS's automatic bank payment to $5 ... until the loan is payed off.

Is my kid a write off or at some point down the road will he wake up and realize that it isn't all about him?

[cowboysbride]

It took me until I was around 24 or so....sorry! Some kids get it some don't, sounds like he's got a good mom to learn from...hopefully that steel layer that most teens seem to have on top of their brains lifts soon and your knowledge will seep in!

[WebLady]

Yeah this is another reason I am not having kids ;)

Me, I think I grew up a little sooner than my siblings did. My brothers are 21 and 23 and still live at home and don't hardly think of anyone but themselves.

I think sometimes the parents, mostly the mom, has to stand up and not do things for them anymore. Don't loan them money, don't get them up for work/school, don't wash their clothes, etc.

I am sure that is what has helped my brothers become who they are, because they have no responsibility. My mother does everything for them and they don't pay rent. Whenever they come into money they are all about stuff for themselves and have to be reminded of birthdays and holidays. I tell ya I am tired of reminding them and tired of going out of my way to buy and do things for them when they don't think about me.

Sorry you are having to deal with all that. Hope things change for you guys soon.

[SerendipityCrafts]

sounds like he's got a good mom to learn from...

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree as they say. His Dad used to tell me what he "would have" bought me if had he more money. Arggh! I hated hearing about what I would have got.

[SerendipityCrafts]

I think sometimes the parents, mostly the mom, has to stand up and not do things for them anymore. Don't loan them money, don't get them up for work/school, don't wash their clothes, etc.

I am sure his father wouldn't have leant him money to buy DH & I a gift. This will be the last loan he gets from me. From here on in, he will have to learn how to do without to save money, make gifts or just end up looking bad.

Hmmmmmmm makes me wonder if I have some apologizing to do to my own mother.

[WebLady]

I am sure his father wouldn't have leant him money to buy DH & I a gift. This will be the last loan he gets from me. From here on in, he will have to learn how to do without to save money, make gifts or just end up looking bad.
Sometimes that is what it takes.

Hmmmmmmm makes me wonder if I have some apologizing to do to my own mother.
haha ... yeah sometimes we think our parents are/were just being mean when they were really just trying to teach us something. We just usually don't 'get it' until we are older ;)

[shawnsgirl]

I may not have any teenagers yet but one thing I do know is teaching them responsiblity is not easy. Kids today expect everything handed to them and they don't have to earn nothing it's a given...I would have been upset too that he bought his dad's GF a gift but non MOM...hello????.who brought you into this world??? I would have been incredibly hurt too. GIfts aside, I would seriously put a foot down on the money issue. He needs to learn to save. I would suggest making him set up a savings account that he CAN'T TOUCH! My oldest son is only 5 but I have already taught him about money. Christmas, birthday, allowance, he has to put away 1/2 into savings the rest he can have to spend for himself and he actually got to buy Christmas presents this year and learn how to budget. I have done this since he was born just putting it away for him and the money is there for a later time but I want to teach him down the road the value of saving money. He actually gets excited to see how much money he has in the bank and he checks it every week when we make his deposit. He has not made plans to spend the money either (so far) and he won't..I'm hoping this is teaching him how and why to save money and I'm hoping down the road it works!

[SerendipityCrafts]

I would suggest making him set up a savings account that he CAN'T TOUCH!

He has one. I have been putting $5 a week into savings since his Dad and I split. It's to help with his education, a wedding or a downpayment on a house.

DS only cares about this money when he wants to buy the latest game gizmo or computer accessory but I won't let him have a dime of it. I tell him that it's my money which I control. I will give to him, when I think the time and the reason is right.

The $10 a week is supposed to be for spending & short term saving - $5 to blow/$5 to save.

[Valmai]

AS hard as it is to do then i think ur right in cutting his allowance down and trying to refuse to lend him money for things! My daughter done this to me after her dad and i separated, she told me how she didnt have money to buy me anything for my birhtday and then proceeded to tell me what she was getting her dad for his. It was always me that she would come to to borrow any money etc cos i wouldnt give her as much of the third degree as he would.
I think the transition between independance and being totally looked after is a long and hard one for parent and child lol xxx

[lize566]

Well, I am 22 so it hasn't been to long since I was a teenager. I, however, had a job at 15 (while I played year round sports and went to school), bought most if not all of my non-necessity items, and was able to buy my own car at 17. I know the value of my money and feel incredibly guilty about making my parents spend money when they don't have too (this wedding has really been an issue with me, but that's a story for another time). On the other hand my sister is 16, plays year round sorts and attends school-but doesn't work b/c of her schedule. Fine whatever, but my parent give her money all the time! She is not completely self-centered, but much more so than I was at her age. I do not think she will learn that the world does not revolve her until she is out on her own and sadly I think cutting your son off may be the only way to teach him, as well. Good luck with everything and I'm sure one day he will grow up it just may be later rather than sooner!