bridesmaid jealousy (very long)

[sstark1218]

Wow, I really need your advice on this, ladies. My best friend whom I asked to be my bridesmaid is turning into a nightmare! She is constantly trying to put down my ideas, ceremony, etc. The latest drama from her came when we purchased my wedding band. Now before I tell you this part, I must start from the beginning. She is NOT engaged and doesn't even have a boyfriend. We went to a formal affair about 3 months ago, and her mother gave her her grandmother's wedding set (which are soldered together). The rings are beautiful and she knows they are exactly what I wanted. Anyhow, she has been wearing it ever since on her left ring finger and whenever I ask why, she takes it off and puts it on the other hand. Now for the most recent part... My FH and I are eBay fanatics and bought my engagement ring off there. We got an excellent deal on a 1/2 ct solitare. So now we are looking at bands. Well I found one I liked so we purchased it. However, when I got it, all the diamonds were black and looked chipped/cracked. I was sooo upset. I called her to come over so I could show her. She got here and I told her to look at it, I was almost in tears. Anyhow, she looks at it and had the same reaction as I. I gave her my engagement ring just to compare the color/clarity of the diamonds because you can tell a BIG difference. So she looks at them, and says "Yea, I would probably get a new one, too!" Not too bad, I know. She then has the nerve to take her 'wedding' rings off and say, "Yea, but compare your rings to mine and look how much more mine shine!" Can you believe that???!!! I couldn't and just rolled my eyes, and she put her rings back on. I think it's just jealousy, but she is supposed to be my best friend and I just couldn't believe that she would do that. I also keep having these dreams about the day of the ceremony.. she is always in it and is always the one that messed something up or made me mad/cry. This has never happened in person, her losing/forgetting/etc something, but Ive had two dreams like that now. I just really don't know what to do or say.. any advice???

Sorry about the long post ;)

[LaceyinPgh]

Well it sounds like a bit of jealousy. She has to prove that even though you are happy and getting married, hers are nicer. Look at it this way, hers might be nicer but does she have the husband or partner to go along with them. I have a jealous bm too. I have learned to just ignore her. I know that she won't do anything on my day because she knows I will beat her to the ground and lock her in the trunk of my car. (I might be nice but I certainly am not stable some times.) Don't take anything she does too seriously, she wants you to be happy. But, she just can't help but feel bad that her life is lacking that happiness right now.

[WhiskeyGirl]

She sounds like she could be jealous, but on the other hand perhaps she is just into making you feel bad because it makes her feel better. A friend of mine is always making EVERYTHING we do into a competition. She even called me to tell me that our mutual aqquaintance who got just got engaged recieved a seven thousand dollar ring while mine only cost $1700. Its not like the difference in price matters to me, the ring symbolizes his love to me and it was a gift. ( a very beautiful one to me!) So it doesn't matter how much nicer her ring was supposed to be. (Side note...she found the reciept for the "7000" dollar ring. Turns out it was only $1700 as well...lol) But yeah next time she flashes the rings at you just say "isn't it too bad you don't have the man that goes along with those rings!" that should make her stop! As far as the ring you purchased from ebay, send it back and get your money back, then visit your local jewelry store when they have a sale on, at least you will know what you are getting!! Best of luck and the best thing to do with the jealous BM is to put her in her place!! Thats what I would do!!

~CanadianBride~

[sstark1218]

Thanks ladies. I already sent the ring back and got the refund, so that's done. I guess we just got lucky with my engagement ring, but I probably won't even buy a diamond off eBay again. I will let you know what happens, cuz I really feel like I need to confront her on this before the big day gets any closer. Thanks again!

[allydawn0040]

I'm so glad you returned the ring and got your money back! Ebay is great for alot of things and there are a lot of honest sellers but everyone once in awhile you get someone who misrepresents their item. Sucks but part of life. As far as your BM, if she has always been this way in your friendship then you probably need to talk to her about the respect she gives people. It may be that she doesn't love herself or place a high value on herself so she needs to show to others that she is worthy. If it just started since you got engaged, I agree with the other posts, she's probably jealous. And again you need to talk to her about it. Just be sure to keep your cool and let her know that you love her but her behavior is unacceptable and hurtful. She probably is not doing it to hurt you (even though that is the end result) and she is probably completely unaware that she actions are having this affect on you. Hope this helps! Blessings, allydawn0040

[As You Wish]

You best girl may be jealous of all the time you are spending on your guy, the wedding etc etc etc. and not just the great life you are building. Take a moment and make sure you have not been neglecting your friendship before you make any grand confrontations.

This may not be your situation, but it is very common. Make sure you have some time for the two of you, with no wedding stuff.

[CindySue]

Yeah, I agree with everyone else. Shes a bit jealous. Im going through a similar prob with my soon to be ex MoH. She has always had a man in her life, whether it be a husband (shes had 3) or a boyfriend. I was always single. Well i met the man of my dreams and shes single for a change and she not handling that well. 1st she tried to find something wrong with my FH. She couldnt. 2nd she cant believe that i have no desire to go out anymore. That I can be happy at home with Brian. Now, all of the sudden she acts like she doesnt want to be a part of the wedding. She was going to be doing my flowers but i cant even get her to discuss it with me. She doesnt return my phone calls. Ive made up my mind to flat out ask her if she wants out. I have already made arrangements with another friend (although I havent known her very long) and shes more than willing to step up and take the role.

[sstark1218]

Thanks for some more input. I really think it's just jealousy. My FH and I are going to Vegas, so there isnt a WHOLE lot to plan, so it's not that I'm neglecting her or talking too much about it or anything like that. And I agree with you that it may be how she is in general. Now that I think about it, it's been that way for awhile, just worse now. Maybe she is just a little self-conscious (sp?) or whatever, but I don't know how to tell. I dont want to make her mad, cuz we are really really good friends, but I dont know what else to do. I'll take her out to dinner this weekend or something and just talk and see whats on her mind. Thanks again for the advice ladies!

[allydawn0040]

I think that is a great idea. It's amazing how often communication clears things up. It's when we hold things in & then explode that really makes a mess!! Just talk with her and remember to be kind and remain calm. Try to listen inbetween the lines and focus on what she is saying. You'll do great ~ just the fact that you are concerned enough about your friendship to do this is a step down the path to fixing it. Blessings, allydawn0040

[CarlosHoney]

I was having a little bit of this problem. My MOH doesn't really like Carlo. She doesn't hate him, but it's just one of those things. It's the 'I'm your best friend, so I'm looking out for you' thing. So, she was getting a little antsy about everything (still helping me plan, still being pretty cool) and she'd just make comments about him.

Now she's got a boyfriend, so she's a lot more chilled out. I think it's just the female fear of being alone. She'll meet someone and calm it down..

But, maybe she'll be wearing those rings and the guy will think she's married!

[sstark1218]

Lol, that's funny, cuz that's exactly what I told her! The first time I ever saw her wear them on her left hand, I asked why and she said some guy at the mall was looking at her, so she put them on that finger. I told her that that could have been the man she was going to marry, and she just laughed it off. That's funny that you mentioned that as well!

[9801crystal]

Wow! It seems like you really need help. It's ok for the long letter I have long letters myself. I don't think she was being rude when she said compare it to my ring. Because she was just educating you on how jewelry is supposed to look. That ring cut should not have been cracked. Take it back or go to a second jewelry store for a opinion by a professional. They will also do a demonstration for you. So don't take it personal.

But yes I think your friend is out of line. I dumped my best friend before my wedding. She acted the same exact way. I haven't talked to her in a year and I did the best thing. It's just hard to explain why we women have friends for so long. And then all of a sudden when we decide to get married. They just can get very jealous critical and everything in the book.

But what I want to know is. Does she criticize you and your wedding items you buy. When you ask or does she just say it when it shouldn't be said. Has she been like this at times even before you got married? I think I would talk to her. And if she doesn't change and you feel in your gut. She is not going to be a good bridesmaid because of her catty ways. Then tell her I don't want you being my bridesmaid. If she ask why tell her. Then she will probably say oh I am so sorry. And try to make you change your mind. But if it gets to that point. Keep your decision final and if she decides to throw a fit. Well guess what owell its your wedding and you are paying for it. I also think you should trust these dreams of yours also.
Good Luck
Crystal