Step child issues...

[kevinsbride2B]

As I have previously mentioned about a billion times, Kevin has a little girl named Jamie. We get her every other weekend. Both of us love her to death and we try to squeeze as much into our weekends with her as possible.
The problem that is arising is that her mother lets Jamie run the hosue and do whatever she pleases when she pleases. I'm sorry but a 4 almost 5 year old does not run things around here. Kevin and I really to give her structure and take care of her.
The minute Kevin picks her up on Friday's she's a demon child!!!!!!!!!!! She tries to tell us what to do and so on. She doesn't take no for an answer, and regardless of what we say she does it anyway. Sometimes even with a smack or a punch to one of us.
Thankfully by Saturday at some point it's liek that attitude leaves and the Jamie that we love returns and is a good girl with manors again :)
We've tried talking to his ex and telling her what happends here and what we end up putting up with because of her parenting. She flips out on us and tells us she'll do what she wants and blah blah blah. She also explains to us that when she was a child her parents made her do things that she didn't want to so (meanign behave) and she's goign to let Jamie do whatever she wants as a result.
It just sucks that for that small amount of time that we spend with her we're punishing her for that first night.
By no means will we stop this though!!! Neither oen of us are willing to raise a Brat.
For example.... Last time we had her the Friday she had on these little dress up shoes on with heels. She has brittle bone disease so this as it was wasn't the brightest idea for her mother to buy her for Christmas!!! But anyways... I told her she could wear them on the carpet but NOT on the tile floor as it was slippery and she would fall. When I told her no she kept it up tryign to get on the tile. I finally had to stand in front of her where she started to kick me in the shins and so on. I couldn't belive it!!!!!!!!!
Anybody else have issues liek this with there step kids?

[BriansBride07]

I don't have step-kids but I am raising 2 children that are now 12 and 13, Thankfully they were not that bad but my son has tried to hit me when he was 11 I caught his hand just mm before hitting my face. I scolded him and took everything away from him Except for his bed, dresser and clothes. For 2 weeks. This straightened him up thank god seeing as he is as tall as me and I wouldn't be able to stop him if his gets bigger than me. the only advice i have when I watch other people's kids is to not let her hit you grab her little hand and tell her no that you don't hit her she doesn't need to hit you and if she continues then she will have to be put in time out for 4 min. and then the two of you can talk it out when she is out of time out. Actually this works wonders and she will learn real quick that when she is with you and her father that she will not be able to behave this way. YOu should also only give her one warning and if she continues then off to time out she goes. IF she leaves time out before the 4 min. is up then she goes back to time out until she stays there for the full 4 min. She may scream ect. but just as long as she sits there that is fine. I hope this helps for you. The time out is based on the childs age. LOL thier are days where I lock myself in the bathroom and cry just so I can collect my thoughts.

[hummingbird521]

Welcome to my world and in general the world of parenting. lol. As you have read (I'm sure) I too have those problems with my step's. I had some of the same with my own as well. While the older one gave me fits yesterday most of the time it is the 7 yr. old stepson. His mother is the same way as what Jamie's sounds like. NO discipline at all. so we too spend our time trying to regain what she took away. DH's ex babies him to no end. And this is the major problem. He thinks he can throw a fit and have it his way. I will tell you (as you have said) to stick to your guns. WE also do the time out thing as well. I base it too on the age thing. We use an egg timer and place him on the bottom step of the stairs and put the egg timer next to him. And if he gets up before his time then time starts again. If he gets up and stomps away in anger well guess what he starts again. This started out being a very long sitting period but now if and when it happens he is behaved. We can just mention the egg timer and he straightens up most of the time. But each time they go back home to mommy we have to start back almost at ground zero with both of them. Just hang in there and stick with it.

[lize566]

I don't have any stepchildren, or my own children for that (hmmm..maybe I shouldn't be giving any advice lol) but I agree with both Christina and Treasia. I think she may be getting old enough to understand the difference between mom and dads house and what she is allowed to do. Another thing that you could try is rewarding her when she behaves, like if she doesn't have to go in timeout all weekend, you all could take her out or buy her something. You could even try giving her something she really want but on the condition that she behaves in the way you want her too; if she doesn't the particular toy or whatever gets taken away for a particular amount of time. Stick to it, no matter what and it is probably going to be tough for a while.

I have a 5 yr. old cousin and he sounds a lot like Jamie, but his parents are still married and they are both the problem. He behaves wonderfully for me, but it took some time (I baby-sit often and am always the one that takes care of him at family events). His parents are finally trying to discipline him b/c he will be starting school soon and I think they finally realized that if he kept acting the way he was he was going to have a difficult time at school. I don't know if Jamie is anything like that, or if her mom has thought about the repercussions once she starts, but I think it is something that may need to addressed. Sorry for getting a little long-winded, there!! Good luck, but stick with it, I'm sure it will get better.

[BriansBride07]

LMAO Liz. the thing is, is that my mother and other family members gave me this advice when my son was 2 and I stuck by it. I now do watch supernanny and pass on my advice and her advice onto my sister. thankfully it still works.

[lize566]

LMAO Liz. the thing is, is that my mother and other family members gave me this advice when my son was 2 and I stuck by it. I now do watch supernanny and pass on my advice and her advice onto my sister. thankfully it still works.

I love that show, but it scares FH b/c he thinks his kids will be that bad lol! I keep telling him that is why he should watch the show so he knows how to handle them. He tells me all the time he is glad his kids will be lucky enough to have me as a mom :soppy: ! When I am with my cousin, I always follow her advice and it really does work.

[kevinsbride2B]

Ya she goes to her room. She gos in there and starts to throw her toys, so we just take them all away. She can call us when she calms downa nd then we have a chit chat about what she did she has to know and appologize for what happend. We don't let her rejoin the family or friends until she can say what happend and so on.
The magic trick is to make sure the toys are away!!!!!! Otherwise we walk on and she's as happy as can be with her toys playing away.
Kevin just gets so upset about punishing her all the time and feels that we get no quality time. But as I said to him if he bends to her now, he might as well just lay on the floor, cause she'll be walking all over him for the rest of his life.
I'm just praying that this weekend will go smoothly. It's her birthday on Wednesday so this wekend we're celebrating her birthday. Oh I hope it goes well!!!

[BriansBride07]

I love that show, but it scares FH b/c he thinks his kids will be that bad lol! I keep telling him that is why he should watch the show so he knows how to handle them. He tells me all the time he is glad his kids will be lucky enough to have me as a mom :soppy: ! When I am with my cousin, I always follow her advice and it really does work.

That is sweet of him but just remind him that even though the parents of the child are together is it a team effort. Also even if they are apart it is also a team effort.

[BriansBride07]

Ya she goes to her room. She gos in there and starts to throw her toys, so we just take them all away. She can call us when she calms downa nd then we have a chit chat about what she did she has to know and appologize for what happend. We don't let her rejoin the family or friends until she can say what happend and so on.
The magic trick is to make sure the toys are away!!!!!! Otherwise we walk on and she's as happy as can be with her toys playing away.
Kevin just gets so upset about punishing her all the time and feels that we get no quality time. But as I said to him if he bends to her now, he might as well just lay on the floor, cause she'll be walking all over him for the rest of his life.
I'm just praying that this weekend will go smoothly. It's her birthday on Wednesday so this wekend we're celebrating her birthday. Oh I hope it goes well!!!

As far as the toys goes it seems like it would take more work for you and Kevin to take them all away so she doesn't destory something. maybe you can find a spot on the stairs, in a guest room, or in the kitchen on a small rug. For her time out. Her bedroom should represent a place of happiness and not a time out room. JMO>

[shawnsgirl]

I'm on the opposite spectrum of you but for Shawn he is going to be officially the step father of my two boys come September. Since I have both of the kids full time I don't have much behavior issues but after they come back from their weekend trip from their dad's I have de program them. I have my own expectations of what how my kids are to be raised. They are taught to respect and to listen and not to throw temper tantrums. My boys are now 5 and 3. However, sometimes my ex will call and ask does he do this or does he do that and honestly 99.9% of the time it just doesn't happen at my house. Now I think some of the issue is yes, he lets them get away with things that I don't. I've heard my son say the word suck, he has no schedule for him to follow, and frankly they have a lot of family issues with not getting along and arguements that have broken out with kids present. So, life down there isn't filled with happiness for them. Most of the time it's chaotic and is dysfunctional. Anyhow, I think to some point no matter how good each parent is the kids have some level of pressure and some level of stress going from one household to another. Between her mom's lack of discipline and the everyother weekend exchange that has to be hard. I would see if it is possible for you and your soon to be husband to get more time with her, and although it may be impossible to get some counseling. Her mother needs to learn to work with you and your FH for the wellness of this little girl. If not the problems aren't going to get better on their own and your FH's ex is going to have more than she can handle.
I guess that's what's frustrating for me too. I understand my ex cheating and not wanting a marriage but heck he wanted the boys. At the least he could work with me to be a parent and stick to some guidlines and rules to have more consistancy cause that is what children need along with love. He's very bitter towards me (I have no clue why) but it always gets in the way and it sounds like your FH's ex has a bit of bitterness too and can't open her eyes to see what the heck she is doing wrong. Good luck with everything!

[lize566]

As far as the toys goes it seems like it would take more work for you and Kevin to take them all away so she doesn't destory something. maybe you can find a spot on the stairs, in a guest room, or in the kitchen on a small rug. For her time out. Her bedroom should represent a place of happiness and not a time out room. JMO>

That's exactly what I was going to say. Also, I can understand his feelings about punishing her a lot when he doesn't much time with her-that is how my cousin's parents are, his mom spends very little time with him so she lets him run wild b/c she doesn't want to make the little time she chooses to spend with him bad (I have a lot of issues with her parenting!). That is why sometimes taking away a reward works better. I guess it could be considered a bribe, but who says bribes are all bad lol! Another thing about Kevin's feelings on punishment-I used to punish him quite often and I always stuck with it, unlike his parents, but instead of him not liking me or not wanting me to come over, he gets so excited and often times gets upset when his parents get home and I have to leave (sometimes I feel REALLY bad about this, but I can't help it). Kids want the structure whether they know it or not. It may take a few weekends, but in the long run I think she will come around. I hope I am not out of place with any of this, seeing as I don't have kids, but I absolutely adore them and my family (the same side as my cousin) tells me how good I am with them.

Christina-He knows it is a team effort, he is just so unsure of himself with kids! He is going to be a good dad, but one of those that will be scared to death when he actually has one, and is going to need some guidance b/c he has no experience!

[SerendipityCrafts]

As far as the ex goes .... she gets to do as she sees fit but you definately should stick to the rules with regards to your house.

It doesn't matter how long or how often she stays with you. There are rules (or not as the case may be) at Mommy's house and rules at Daddy's house. If she doesn't abide by the rules when she is at your place, then she will be punished. Pointe finale.

I just have one comment re: the ex. When you say that you speak to her do you mean the three you sit down or the three of you get on the phone together? The reason I ask is that while my situation isn't exactly the same as yours (my kids live with their Dad) absolutely nothing ticks me off more than to hear what his skank has to say about the way I should raise my kids.

Perhaps she's flipping out because you are involved and it appears that you are telling her how to raise her kid. It's one thing for Kevin to talk to her about how she's raising their daughter, but quite another if it's coming from you. I don't mean to say that you shouldn't be involved but perhaps as far as talking to his ex., it would be better if you let Kevin do that alone.

Good luck to you. Anyone who has step kids has issues of one kind or another. Hugs to you.

[countrygirl]

Oh Lindsay, I feel your pain!! You know that I am now a step mom, and have been dealing w the same issues for a year and a half. But I have also dealt w my son doing the same when he came back from visiting his father. IT was terrible. All you can do is stand your ground. It may take a long time, and become very tiresome, but in time, she will realize that she is not the boss, and her behavior will not be acceptable. She needs the stability that you and Kevin give her. You are doing a great job. Keep your chin up!!!

[hummingbird521]

As far as the toys goes it seems like it would take more work for you and Kevin to take them all away so she doesn't destory something. maybe you can find a spot on the stairs, in a guest room, or in the kitchen on a small rug. For her time out. Her bedroom should represent a place of happiness and not a time out room. JMO>

I was going to say the same thing. Well said.

[kevinsbride2B]

As far as the ex goes .... she gets to do as she sees fit but you definately should stick to the rules with regards to your house.

It doesn't matter how long or how often she stays with you. There are rules (or not as the case may be) at Mommy's house and rules at Daddy's house. If she doesn't abide by the rules when she is at your place, then she will be punished. Pointe finale.

I just have one comment re: the ex. When you say that you speak to her do you mean the three you sit down or the three of you get on the phone together? The reason I ask is that while my situation isn't exactly the same as yours (my kids live with their Dad) absolutely nothing ticks me off more than to hear what his skank has to say about the way I should raise my kids.

Perhaps she's flipping out because you are involved and it appears that you are telling her how to raise her kid. It's one thing for Kevin to talk to her about how she's raising their daughter, but quite another if it's coming from you. I don't mean to say that you shouldn't be involved but perhaps as far as talking to his ex., it would be better if you let Kevin do that alone.

Good luck to you. Anyone who has step kids has issues of one kind or another. Hugs to you.

No when I say we I mean he talks to her but Kevin and I speak about it on our own. I know that if I spoke with her it would be adding fuel to the fire!!!

The things that I can't handle are "I want this" "Gimme this", "Or just screaming and hitting because she doesn't get her way.

[kevinsbride2B]

As far as the toys goes it seems like it would take more work for you and Kevin to take them all away so she doesn't destory something. maybe you can find a spot on the stairs, in a guest room, or in the kitchen on a small rug. For her time out. Her bedroom should represent a place of happiness and not a time out room. JMO>
The biggest problem we have is the lack of room. In my little hosue that is wayyyyyyyyy overcrowded we have... a livingroom, a small kitchen, a diningroom still filled with boxes, our bedroom, my mom's bedroom and Jamie's bedroom. And as for the basement that's got my old shift partner staying in it right now.

Just getting her to complete tasks is an issue. Like to get her to get dressed. She fliiiiiiips out! You try to put clothes on her she kicks at you. This is Friday night mind you...
But on the upside, by Saturday at say lunchtime, she's back to the Jamie we love again (if we're lucky that is!) The please and thank you's are back and she asks us for things not tells us she wants them.

[SerendipityCrafts]

The things that I can't handle are "I want this" "Gimme this", "Or just screaming and hitting because she doesn't get her way.

That may not be so much a "step child" issue as just her form of behaviour at the moment. Perhaps it works with Mom? No matter .... it's not something that should be tolerated.

Why not try the super Nanny method? .... lean in really close, hold her arms or feet and tell her that it is not acceptable behaviour and if she continues to act in such a way, you are going to put her in time out (sitting on the stairs is always fun - NOT!). Be persistant and make sure the both of you do this.

Oh don't forget to use an English accent ... you sound like you have more authority :)

[lea m]

I agree with everything Christina has said! lol i thought id already posted! hee hee (I did the taking away everything for 2 weeks thing lol) I do the time out for as many minutes as the years old they are, and i use the bottom step of my stairs! Its the "naughty step"! My daughter is just 5 and she really responds to the naughty step! It took a few goes but once she realised that if she kept on coming off the step then she'd be on there longer, she sat, in silence and then apologized to me and now all i have to say is "lucy, if you do that again, you'll be on the step" and she (usually) stops doing whatever it is shes doing lol! I used to send the kids to their room but then i realised, 1, they would play with their toys so it wasnt much of a punishment, 2, they didnt like to play in their rooms because they thought they were being punished, and 3 thay didnt like to go to bed in what had sort of become the naughty room!So i started using the step and its alot better!