Guest list - by other people

[Hayz]

Background : My partners parents divourced when he was a kid and he and his sister were brought up by their dad.
My mother in law to be wants to invite some people to the wedding dance like her partners parents, her boss and some friends of theirs whos wedding they attended. I don't know any of these people and not sure if my partner does either. (He is away from home at the moment so I'm not able to discuss this with him.)
This is making me sooo mad :evil: as I feel this is our wedding and we should be the ones doing the inviting and that she has no right to stick her 2 cents in (which she already has that we caved into). I know that it used to be that the bride and groom didn't have much of a say in the organising of their wedding but times have changed now and we want to be the ones doing the organising. My partner hasn't really had much to do with her over the years either. Its only because I'm from around the same area that she is living now that my partner has more to do with her. I am soo sick of doing what other people want. I'm starting to wish we could cancel the wedding and have our own private ceremony, but its too late now everything is booked and guests have started to book their flights.
I feel like saying that if she wants to invite people to a wedding then she and her partner should get married. I wonder how she would feel if I asked if I could invite my friends to her wedding! Its just not the thing to do!
I am just so mad - no make that furious.

[LaceyinPgh]

There is nothing to get upset about. It doesn't sound like she is adding 100 people to your guest list. Weddings are a big deal to parents too. There kids are growing up and moving on in the world. They want to have some friends around to celebrate that big moment with too. I know my fiance and I divded our guests list up evenly among our parents. They each got a set number of people to invite so that they could include their family and friends too. Look at it this way, the more the merrier, right?

[allydawn0040]

Wow, I can understand with your frustration! I tend to agree with Lacey. It is a big deal to the Parents (and each parent has their own reason on why it's a big deal). Maybe you could compromise, which I know you have already done with her, like tell her she can invite 5 people of her choice. If each brings a guest that is 10 people that you may or may not know at your wedding but it would get her off your back. Plus that way she has a definate line not to cross. Her guest count is 5 - no more. It lets her feel important but yet keeps your wedding yours. Just a thought for you to consider. Hope it helps!! Blessings my dear, allydawn0040

[Hayz]

Thing is though the guest list is already bigger than what I'm comfortable with. For me the more is not the merrier. We weren't going to invite all the Aunts and Uncles but then she said she'd like to have all her brothers and sisters there so that has added 14 people to her side of the list and with inviting all the Aunts and Uncles from her side meant we had to invite the ones from the others sides as well so thats another 6 people.
And anyway my mother in law should be thanking me for bringing her son back into her life, as I got him to go visit her when he come down to visit me. (We were in a long distant relationship for our first year).
I'm starting to get stressed and when I get stressed I get sick, really sick.

[allydawn0040]

Hayz, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am not sure how to advise you. It is your day - for you and your fiance. Have you had an option to talk to him yet? Maybe he will have some ideas. Have you talked to your FMI about your concerns? I am guessing she may not that receptive but if you keep calm and cool the two of you may be able to work it out. Blessings my dear, allydawn0040

[CarlosHoney]

I certainly understand the frustration. Our guest list is 50. That's it. 14 would put us WAY over budget. Is she helping with the cost of the wedding?

If she is NOT, then you can tell her to pay up or dream on. If she is, though, you had better just grin and bear it.

[Hayz]

We have told the parents that we want to take care of the costs ourselves but they want to help us out. She hasn't given us any money yet. Even though the contribution she wants to put forward would help us out a lot, I would still perfer having the wedding the way we want it. I'd rather have no help with the costs.
One of the extras she wants to invite is her boss so does that mean FH's dad gets to invite his boss, and does my dad get to invite his boss and my mum invite her boss. Thats 4 bosses plus their partners so that makes it 8 and hey if we invite the parents bosses then we should really invite our own bosses and partners (which we don't want to do) so that would make 12 extra people all together. I'm going to have to draw the line somewhere. The guest list is made - I've made the invitations and just have to write the names in which I'm going to do right now. No more people! She has already got all her brothers and sisters coming - isn't that enough. I sooooo can't wait till my man is back home with me so he can sort her out. I don't have the energy (or the will) to deal with her.

[allydawn0040]

Hayz, good for you. You make an excellent point: if you let her invite her boss then everyone should get to as well. Then that leaves the question of where do you draw the line. And like CarlosHoney pointed out & I didn't think about with my 1st reply is the budget. Just tell her your sorry but it is just not fesable to invite her boss and other people. Not only do you not know them but is not in the budget. I would also tell her that you hope she understands and has a great time celebrating with you and your FH even though her "extra" guests are not going to be able to attend. I hope this all works out for you without too much more stress. Blessings, allydawn0040

[CindySue]

Dont feel bad Hayz, Im sorta in the same boat. What was supposed to be a small intimate wedding has turned into a nice sized family affair. Im not sure how to handle it on my side either.

[WebLady]

Hayz,

I totally understand your frustrations and where you are coming from about wanting it YOUR way and how you would just rather take care of it yourself.

I had a similar problem with my own wedding. We had initially planned a simple ceremony and a nice reception for 50 people. Then we kept getting everyone saying 'oh, we have to invite Uncle so and so" and then it got way out of hand so we end up not having a reception at all and just stuck to the plan for a simple ceremony. It was very simple and very intimate, we only had our parents there. I do wish my sister could have been there since I am close to her but then my DH is closer to more of his family than I am so that is where we had to draw the line. We did end up having a little party a couple of weeks after the honeymoon.

Though you may not be able to call off what you have set in motion already, I would defiantly sit down with you FH and the family and tell them what you want and that you want to share this special day with them but that you don't want it to get out of control. Like one of the PP's said, weddings are a big deal to parents and they like to be a part. But I think they need to realize that it is YOUR day, not theirs; but in a nice way :wink:

Many times in weddings the brides parents pay for things and the day ends up being what the MOB wants it to be. And often people think that if they are paying then they should be able to do what they want. Personally, I think offering to pay for the wedding (even a small part) should be seen as a gift. With a gift one should want to give something that, the receiver would want. For me, it makes me happy to make others happy with gifts and such.

This is often a difficult issue and I do hope it works out well for you! Try to sit down and talk it over with those involved ... just try to do it calmly and try not to let your frustrations get the best of you so that you don't make it worse.

Best wishes,

~ WebLady :)

[Hayz]

I would like to say a BIG thank you to all those who have replied to my problem. Your views have made me feel much better. Once my FH gets back home we will have a good talk about it, but I'm sure he'll feel the same way I do about drawing the line somewhere.
I know that his mum is planning on having a BBQ the day after the wedding. We won't be there as we will be heading off on our honeymoon but there is no reason that she couldn't invite her extra guests to that and celebrate with them that way.
So thank you everyone, and I'm very sympathetic to those going through the same thing about how "so and so" should be invited.
Here is a little piece of advise (which I wish I had had) for those who are engaged but haven't set a date yet. If you are wanting an intimate wedding and you want it your own way then: DON'T TELL ANYONE YOU HAVE SET A DATE UNTIL EVERYTHING IS ORGANISED AND THE INVITES ARE IN THE MAIL! This would have worked out sooo much better for us, and we would have been able to have exactly what we wanted.
Good luck to all, luv Hayz

[WebLady]

DON'T TELL ANYONE YOU HAVE SET A DATE UNTIL EVERYTHING IS ORGANISED AND THE INVITES ARE IN THE MAIL!

This could work but might required some extra lead time for the planning :wink:

We didn't tell anyone about our wedding until they got Save the Date cards in the mail. We had told everyone that we may or may not be having a reception that we would let then know. And that the ceremony would be a small and intimate one, of course everyone wanted to 'help' but we just kept telling them no thanks :wink:


~ WebLady :)

[WhiskeyGirl]

All I can recommend is that you put your foot down from the start! Because if you don't, you will find that they will try and take advantage of you more and more!! I don't know what makes families turn into monsters the minute the word "wedding" is mentioned but I'm sure we can all tell stories about some wanting to invite someone to their wedding when a person chose not to! (Or other stories that are as equally as annoying!!) You just have to stick to your guns and you'll get through it easily.

You also mentioned you get sick when you are stressed, well Hun you better find a way to destress because I am sure everyone else around here will agree, it's only going to get worse!! I just say, don't let it get to you! The most important thing is that you marry the man you love and that you are both happy! Best of Luck!!

~CanadianBride~