Very hurt by FDIL's impersonal bridal shower

[Mrs. Cheyney]

I don't know if I am making too big a deal of this, maybe you can help me decide. A little over a month ago, my FDIL had her bridal shower. Granted, I was told upfront that it was going to be an untraditional shower. Untraditional in that it was more of a big party than an intimate gathering. There were about 75 people there and not all of them are invited to the wedding, but some of them couldn't make it to the wedding and they just wanted to see their friend. I guess I should start at the beginning. My FDIL and I aren't close-I find her standoffish and very impersonal. I also found out at the shower that she is only that way with me. I have to admit that at first, I wondered what my son saw in her, but at the shower, I got it. She was charming, charismatic, just a genuinely warm person. But I didn't experience that from her. I walked into the shower with my daughters, was greeted by the hostess, the MOH, who I have never met-in fact, I knew no one at the shower-I met her once and she was also as impersonal as her daughter. Neither seem to be people persons. Anyway, I was not seated with my FDIL and her family. I was seated at another table that was diagonal to them. Everyone seemed to get along like a house on fire and there were a lot of private jokes and references to things that I and my daughters were not privy to. FDIL spent about 20 minutes with me tops-broken up here and there-throughout the shower, which was about 2 hours plus. I and my daughters left after the two hour mark. We weren't asked to stay or that we would be missed.

Am I wrong to feel that I was snubbed? Should I make my FDIL and my son aware of my feelings? Aren't showers supposed to be inclusive? Doesn't or shouldn't the FMIL get special attention? Did I mention my daughters were not asked to be bridesmaids? The bridal party consists of the bride's sisters and two best friends.

[BriansBride07]

I don't know if I am making too big a deal of this, maybe you can help me decide. A little over a month ago, my FDIL had her bridal shower. Granted, I was told upfront that it was going to be an untraditional shower. Untraditional in that it was more of a big party than an intimate gathering. There were about 75 people there and not all of them are invited to the wedding, but some of them couldn't make it to the wedding and they just wanted to see their friend. I guess I should start at the beginning. My FDIL and I aren't close-I find her standoffish and very impersonal. I also found out at the shower that she is only that way with me. I have to admit that at first, I wondered what my son saw in her, but at the shower, I got it. She was charming, charismatic, just a genuinely warm person. But I didn't experience that from her. I walked into the shower with my daughters, was greeted by the hostess, the MOH, who I have never met-in fact, I knew no one at the shower-I met her once and she was also as impersonal as her daughter. Neither seem to be people persons. Anyway, I was not seated with my FDIL and her family. I was seated at another table that was diagonal to them. Everyone seemed to get along like a house on fire and there were a lot of private jokes and references to things that I and my daughters were not privy to. FDIL spent about 20 minutes with me tops-broken up here and there-throughout the shower, which was about 2 hours plus. I and my daughters left after the two hour mark. We weren't asked to stay or that we would be missed.

Am I wrong to feel that I was snubbed? Should I make my FDIL and my son aware of my feelings? Aren't showers supposed to be inclusive? Doesn't or shouldn't the FMIL get special attention? Did I mention my daughters were not asked to be bridesmaids? The bridal party consists of the bride's sisters and two best friends.

welcome to the boards..

I don't think that you are wrong for feeling the way that you do.. Is it that your FDIL is just a shy person and it takes her awhile to open up to people?? Or maybe she feels threatened by you. Maybe you should try and spark up a conversation.

I guess in bridal showers it is to each their own that does sound like an awful lot of people and your FDIL should of made all her guest feel at ease. And try and incorportate you and your DD in some way.

I don't think there is any set rule on who should be in the BP. It is usually up to the bride and the groom in that situation.

I hope your relationship with your FDIL strenthings. Like I said before maybe you will have to spark the conversation and see where that goes. I know myself that I have been accused of being standoffish and cold to other's that I didn't know b/c I am so shy. But once people get to know me they say i'm not like that at all. I hope this is the case.

[WhiskeyGirl]

Ok let's see if any of us can shine some light on this for you.

As far as the shower, it was her choice on how she wanted to do things. Now adays, times are changing really. It's not uncommon to find a bride who doesn't want to do anything or a lot of things according to traditions. Perhaps she didn't feel comfortable with all eyes on her during a traditional shower...who knows, but we do know is that she wanted to have a party so she did.

I have to say that at my bridal shower, I didn't talk much with my MIL either. I was too busy opening gifts and playing bride. Perhaps she was too.

As far as the way she treats you, perhaps there is something that she may not understand about you and you may not understand about her. It's hard finding that common ground sometimes with MILs. I know I often do, but it's because my MIL speaks more German then english.

And perhaps, there is no excuse for her behavior, but you aren't her mother and it's not your place to scold her or really even call her on it. Sure, you could have a chat with your son, but just remember that everything you say to him is going to get back to her! And this could cause a bigger riff then before.

As far as the bridal party goes, it's the bride's choice on who she wants to be in her bridal party, simple, (sometimes) hurtful, but true. My DH did not pick my brother to be his GM but he did pick his brother and two best friends. I didn't really have a say, I would have loved to have had my brother in our wedding party but it was his choice and it was mine not to have his sisters in my side either. You cannot take it personal that your daughter's were not chosen, it was her choice and to be honest, she has known her sisters (obviously) a lot longer then your daugthers. It is hard for her to not pick her best friends because you want your daughter's in the bridal party. I'm sorry, but I would not have picked my DH's sisters over my good friends, plain and simple. Also it could be that they have been planning this, always sayinig ot one another how they will have them in their bridal party, it's hard to go back on a promise like that.

I know you must feel gilted, and yes, perhaps you should have a talk with your son, but try not to stir the pot too much. This girl will be your DIL for good, and it's easier to get along then to be at each other's throats all the time.

Sometimes we have to swallow our feelings like poison and put our relationships with people around us before our feelings. (Especially when it comes to weddings and sons/daughters getting married.)

I hope I haven't upset you but I suppose we must look at things from every point of view. good luck!

[SerendipityCrafts]

See if you might try to reach out a bit more towards her (BTW- I would give her the same advice if it were her writing about you). Sometimes, all it takes is someone to make the first move. If she's young (and not sure of herself), perhaps she is just waiting for that from you.

Have you known her long?

Sounds like she wasn't rude or snobbish to the point of dismissing you altogether (just busy playing hostess and bride) so why not view it as a misunderstanding. Try not to take it all too personally. Perhaps you are reading more into this than there is

I see no reason why the groom's sisters must or should be included in the bridal party. Does she know your daughters very well? Perhaps your son and his future wife decided to keep it small.

Good luck to the both of you and welcome to the boards!

[Mrs. Cheyney]

What is a DD? Also, I meant to say that I have only met the bride's mother once and she is just as standoffish as my DIL. I just feel that whenever I am around FDIL, I have to compete with her for her attention. I have actually seen her mentally "check out" when I am around. It hurts very much.

[WhiskeyGirl]

What is a DD? Also, I meant to say that I have only met the bride's mother once and she is just as standoffish as my DIL. I just feel that whenever I am around FDIL, I have to compete with her for her attention. I have actually seen her mentally "check out" when I am around. It hurts very much.

DD is dear daughter.

How long have you known this girl? And have there be any problems before? Like for instance you mentioning that you don't like FDIL and it maybe getting back to her or excluding her from something since you didn't consider her family?

[BriansBride07]

What is a DD? Also, I meant to say that I have only met the bride's mother once and she is just as standoffish as my DIL. I just feel that whenever I am around FDIL, I have to compete with her for her attention. I have actually seen her mentally "check out" when I am around. It hurts very much.

Sorry a DD is dear daughter..

Sounds like maybe she doesn't know how to speak to and act around you and her mother. I hope she gets better with this.

[hummingbird521]

DD is dear daughter. Is it possible she is just nervous around you? Maybe you should make the first move on getting to know her. Possibly invite her out for lunch sometime and get better aquainted with her. That is if you don't know her all that well. As others have said maybe you are reading more into it than there really is.

[ladymelissa]

I have to admit that there is nothing blaringly wrong with the shower or the BP. With 75 guests and only a little over 2 hours, she has about 1.75 minutes per guest if the time was divided evenly and even less when you consider time to open gifts, eat and play games.

The choice of BMs is completely hers to make.

If you don't feel particularly close to her try reaching out to her and make a lot of effort to get to know her before you play the "poor me" card. You can get people to open up faster by being interested in them first. Talk to her about her life, find out some common interests and then build on that. That is the art of conversation. Don't just ramble incessantly about your life, friends or interests (which she may not share) and then wonder why she zones out.

[Mrs. Cheyney]

Why is it dear daughter and not just daughter? Anyway, I have known FDIL for about two years now and she has never really extended herself towards me. I have asked her out to lunch, but she has always cited other obligations. It's just been made very clear to me by her that I am not very high on her list of priorities. As far as I know, I have done nothing to offend her.

[ladymelissa]

Why is it dear daughter and not just daughter?
It makes for a more clear IM abbreviation, I guess.

Why don't you try inviting both of them over to dinner sometime? If you can't get anywhere after a concerted effort, then it is time to say something like, "I feel bad that we can't seem to be as close as I would like, have I done anything to make you uncomfortable?" That will really put the ball in her court, but like I said in my last post try to find something you both can relate to and focus on that. Maybe you are both into scrap booking or something and talk about that. Talk about things she has an interest in.

[ladymelissa]

I will admit, that I sat my FMIL at my table with my mom, sister and step mom at my shower. But seating can get really sticky depending on how many you can put at a table and if she thought you would be more comfortable with your daughters. So that wasn't entirely bad.

Also, try to be a little more assertive when it comes to new people. If you don't understand a private joke, then ask for the story behind it. Not everyone will think you are interested and bore you with a long story, unless you ask.

[WebLady]

Why is it dear daughter and not just daughter?It is just a way of not having to type things out. It would look funny with just D ;) The other common one is DH = Dear Husband

... Anyway, I have known FDIL for about two years now and she has never really extended herself towards me. I have asked her out to lunch, but she has always cited other obligations. It's just been made very clear to me by her that I am not very high on her list of priorities. As far as I know, I have done nothing to offend her.

Aside from what everyone else has said, maybe you two are just not going to get along. You don't really 'have' to be friends, sure it would be great, but maybe she just isn't the type. Maybe she feels like she has a mother and being friends with you will somehow strain that relationship. (just throwing things out there) My mother was jealous of my relationship with my late MIL.

You could try all kinds of things to develop a closer relationship to your FDIL, and it may or may not help. Just be a good person and always try to be the bigger person, no matter what she does. That way if she does do something wrong, you can't be the one to blame.

Maybe get her and your son a nice wedding gift and say something nice about her at the rehearsal dinner and the reception too. Maybe things will get better with her in time, maybe it won't. But when it comes down to it, as long as she is nice and civil to you then you can't really complain.

Best wishes!

Welcome to the board by the way :D

[bluebyrd]

You sound like you think it was your FDIL's job to entertain you and cater to you during her shower and I think that is wrong. It is a bridal shower, about the bride, not the FMIL. Of course there were going to private jokes and people you don't know.

[brewsells]

I don't think she was expecting her FDIL to entertain her. I believe what she said is she is concerned with the fact that her FDIL and her don't have a better relationship and can't detmine why. Sounds like you just don't like MIL's all around.

[bluebyrd]

No, I don't like this woman's poor me attitude. It sounds like something happened to make her FDIL act this way and the FMIL won't admit she is in the wrong or she doesn't see it

[brewsells]

No, I don't like this woman's poor me attitude. It sounds like something happened to make her FDIL act this way and the FMIL won't admit she is in the wrong or she doesn't see it

Hmmm.. Imagine how your FMIL feels...

It isn't always the MIL that is at fault, just because people give them a bad rep. Sometimes it's just people with poor attitudes..

[WebLady]

... It sounds like something happened to make her FDIL act this way and the FMIL won't admit she is in the wrong or she doesn't see it
It is possible that there is more to this than we know, but the woman came to us for advice and support. If you felt that way, you could have said something like "was there some sort of altercation or disagreement with the two of you that may have given your FDIL a bad taste for you?" That would have went over much better than your other comments. :snide:

There is no need for the negativity. If you can't play nice then don't play at all. You have a right to your opinions, but you need to think them out before you type them out. Rudeness and bashing of others is not tolerated here.

[janeandreawong]

I am not sure what's the real problem because so far we only heard one side of the story. I suggest you try to talk to her in private, just you and her and let her know how you feel. If he can't have a dinner or lunch with you, send her an email or call her. that way you'd know why he's a bit "shy" to you..


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http://bridesmaidtailor.com

[woohoo2me]

I don't know if I am making too big a deal of this, maybe you can help me decide. A little over a month ago, my FDIL had her bridal shower. Granted, I was told upfront that it was going to be an untraditional shower. Untraditional in that it was more of a big party than an intimate gathering. There were about 75 people there and not all of them are invited to the wedding, but some of them couldn't make it to the wedding and they just wanted to see their friend. I guess I should start at the beginning. My FDIL and I aren't close-I find her standoffish and very impersonal. I also found out at the shower that she is only that way with me. I have to admit that at first, I wondered what my son saw in her, but at the shower, I got it. She was charming, charismatic, just a genuinely warm person. But I didn't experience that from her. I walked into the shower with my daughters, was greeted by the hostess, the MOH, who I have never met-in fact, I knew no one at the shower-I met her once and she was also as impersonal as her daughter. Neither seem to be people persons. Anyway, I was not seated with my FDIL and her family. I was seated at another table that was diagonal to them. Everyone seemed to get along like a house on fire and there were a lot of private jokes and references to things that I and my daughters were not privy to. FDIL spent about 20 minutes with me tops-broken up here and there-throughout the shower, which was about 2 hours plus. I and my daughters left after the two hour mark. We weren't asked to stay or that we would be missed.

Am I wrong to feel that I was snubbed? Should I make my FDIL and my son aware of my feelings? Aren't showers supposed to be inclusive? Doesn't or shouldn't the FMIL get special attention? Did I mention my daughters were not asked to be bridesmaids? The bridal party consists of the bride's sisters and two best friends.


my fml scares the **** out of me, and i never really say anuthing to her, so i might some off as rude, but with my friends im really loud. sometimes when theres alot going on around me i get really nervous or spaztastic and i forget whats going on, maybe she just felt overwhelmed and accedently skipped you with mingleing with everyone. or she is just scared to talk to you. and picking your daughters as bridesmaids is decision i think. if she has her sisters and two of her best friends, mabey that was her quotea of bridesmaids. or she wanted the ppl who have been by her for a long time. JMO

[ger]

I am wondering if Bluebyrd is Mrs. Cheyney's DIL. I thought that from the very first post. You wouldn't think there would be 2 DIL's that would be that mean to their MIL's???

[The Wedding Diva]

I can understand your plight in some respects. Any relationship is a two-way street. At this point, to be honest, I haven't seen much effort on your part to make the relationship closer other than "just showing up" and being you.

It's quite possible that you two come from two totally different dynamics and interact with others differently. If that is the case, then you should heed the earlier advice and inviting them both over for dinner or even her to tea or a movie.

I don't think it is necessarily fair for any guest to expect them to to have the complete or majority of the guest of honor's attention at any function. You stated that the BS was to be more of a party than a traditional BS, with 75 guests for any bride, it can be quite a chore. That being said, she could have been more generous with her time; alloting more than 20 minutes in 2 hrs would have been more congenial. However, even if it was through out the event, it shows some effort on her behalf to acknowledge you presence.

If you are not sure what you might have done to offend her or cause her to be aloof to you, again-- you should make an effort to spend time with her and get to know her instead of just observing her. (You said yourself, you finally saw what your son saw in her). If it doesn't work-- at least you know you tried.

You sound like your heart is in the right place, but also make room for your head too! I wouldn't be too sensitive about the situation until you can rely on concrete actions and reactions. Your FDIL may be a highly busy and interactive individual who may feel stifled by being with someone who wants/needs to be doted upon at every social gathering. You however, may want to engage or at least foster a very close and personal relationship that you share with your own daughters as you welcome her as a new addition to your family. Again, this is all about personality and family dynamics.

Secondly, about the BP. Nowadays, if you would like to consider it a snub, you can consider it as such on both sides. Your son is just as welcome to invite his sisters to stand as guests of honor on his side, if he would like them to be in the BP. Your FDIL may have chosen to share that period with women whom she has shared her life with and can appreciate this new milestone in her life. Perhaps she doesn't feel that connection with her FSILs yet. But again, your husband is more than welcome to include them on his side. Moreover, if they want to reserve the bridal party for family and intimate friends, perhaps they can find something for your daughters to do during the ceremony such has being hostesses, reading a poem, singing a song, etc.

I really hope you gain a resolution to this-- as you do sound quite hurt about the matter. It won't get better unless someone talks about it. I hope that someone is you!

[Mrs. Cheyney]

My son asked me if I had had a good time at FDIL's bridal shower. I told him the truth-that I felt neglected and a bit uncomfortable. He talked to FDIL about it and she denied anything wrong and that I am a bit too sensitive and that as she was not the hostess of the party, she couldn't see to all of her guests and that she was trying to have a good time and assumed I could handle myself and mingle. I was supposed to go see the houses that my son and FDIL are looking at over the weekend, but that offer has been pulled-I think most likely because I ticked off FDIL. Was I wrong to be honest with my son?

[The Wedding Diva]

No, I don't think you were wrong for being honest. Instead, I think you erred in not approaching your FDIL. You now sound like a complainer and a whiner instead of someone with a resolution to the problem: i.e., talking to your FDIL and finding a common middle ground.

Your son loves both you and his future wife. You are putting him in the middle-- you are the parent, so you should do your best to open up to your FDIL and let her know that she is welcome into your family.

I think that your antics will have you forcing a wedge between you and your FDIL as well as cause tension between your son and his wife.

[WebLady]

No, I don't think you were wrong for being honest. Instead, I think you erred in not approaching your FDIL. You now sound like a complainer and a whiner instead of someone with a resolution to the problem: i.e., talking to your FDIL and finding a common middle ground.

Your son loves both you and his future wife. You are putting him in the middle-- you are the parent, so you should do your best to open up to your FDIL and let her know that she is welcome into your family.

I think that your antics will have you forcing a wedge between you and your FDIL as well as cause tension between your son and his wife.
Well said :)

Maybe in being honest with your son you could have also said that you'd want to get along with his FW. Mayne offer to make or take them out to dinner? Do something to get together with them and try to make friends with his FW. You don't have to be best friends, but it helps if you get along.

If you try and she resists and continues to alienate you then you can at least say that you tried. If all you do is complain about the situation then you look like the bad guy.

Good luck!

[shawnsgirl]

My son asked me if I had had a good time at FDIL's bridal shower. I told him the truth-that I felt neglected and a bit uncomfortable. He talked to FDIL about it and she denied anything wrong and that I am a bit too sensitive and that as she was not the hostess of the party, she couldn't see to all of her guests and that she was trying to have a good time and assumed I could handle myself and mingle. I was supposed to go see the houses that my son and FDIL are looking at over the weekend, but that offer has been pulled-I think most likely because I ticked off FDIL. Was I wrong to be honest with my son?

I think the above advice you received is pretty good and I don't have much to add. Is the other member or maybe former member bluebyrd you're FDIL by any chance? You are doing good by seeking advice, perhaps maybe if that member is her being in the same forum together isn't the best idea...

[Mrs. Cheyney]

I have extended about 3 different invitations to FDIL to get together for lunch, shopping, etc. but I have been turned down. It seems she prefers to do those things with her mom and friends.

[shawnsgirl]

I have extended about 3 different invitations to FDIL to get together for lunch, shopping, etc. but I have been turned down. It seems she prefers to do those things with her mom and friends.

Is your FDIL bluebyrd here on one wed???

[MissJakob]

I don't think you were wrong to tell your son how you felt, but I do think your FDIL has a point in saying that you may be a little sensitive. She had 75 people at the wedding party and clearly she cannot spend an abundance of time with *everyone* in one afternoon. I recently in a fairly similar situation where I went to my boyfriend's sister's wedding and I didn't know many people, only my boyfriend's family. I barely talked to his mother, not because I don't like her, but because I knew it was her and her daughter's special day, they had 200 people to entertain, and that I should respect that. Instead, I just got to know other family members and friends.

Might I suggest you try to reach out to your FDIL. My BF's mom sends me emails, pictures, cards, packages, calls me, etc, and I can tell you it's very hard not to reciprocate her warmth. From your FDIL's perspective, it might be intimidating for her to come into your family and be shy and hence she doesn't act her natural self around you. That's normal. Maybe if you reach out it will bring her out of her shell and enhance your relationship with her.

-- Maybe instead of extending lunch or shopping invites, you could start with smaller things like send her a "Happy Birthday" or "Congratulations" email, or pictures you took of her and ur son, or call her to see how [some event in her life] went? She might not be comfortable going shopping with you quite yet. I have to say, as much as I like my BF's mom, I wouldn't want to try on clothes with her for 2 hours at the mall. Just some food for thought.


Her FDIL does sound like Bluebyrd.

[Mrs. Cheyney]

No-my FDIL is a total technophobe. She hates computers. She would never be on the internet.

[shawnsgirl]

No-my FDIL is a total technophobe. She hates computers. She would never be on the internet.

Ok, just wanted to clear that up...Anyhow, I can add much more you have been given some great advice.

Until I got to know my FMIL I was a little uncomfortable around his family. As time went on I began feeling better around them. As well, I have gone to family functions and have known no one. At the same time I didn't expect FMIL to be by my side the whole time either. I just talked to other family members and got to know everyone. It didn't bother me and I'm very fortunate for Shawn's family to love me like their own. I feel the same way towards them!!

[MissJakob]

Shawnsgirl, we both sound very lucky!

Mrs. Cheyney, clearly you must have understood the *point* I was trying to make, whether it includes the internet or not. I'm sure you can think of other small gestures to enhance your relationship with FDIL without overwhelming her. Good luck.

[The Wedding Diva]

To be quite honest, I'm getting the impression that you really don't want a solution. It sounds like you want to comiserate in the current situation. Never before have you mentioned any attempts to reach out to your FDIL. Not saying you didn't, but you don't really seem intent on finding common ground.

I'd suggest you'd give it some time and her some space. You know the saying, keep doing what you've always done, and you'll get what you've always got. Obviously your current way isn't working for you. Take MissJakob's advice and start slow with small gestures of appreciation and affection. Send a card or flowers occasionally. Again, it's really hard to not reciprocate someone's warmth and consideration. However, it is very easy to feel uncomfortable and stifled by someone's attempts to get too close too fast or expect too much too soon. Perhaps this is fine for you in other relationships, but you now know that it does not work with your FDIL, so you need to reevaluate your gameplan, especially if you value your relationship with your son and respect his decision for whom he has chose for a wife.

[MissJakob]

To be quite honest, I'm getting the impression that you really don't want a solution. It sounds like you want to comiserate in the current situation. Never before have you mentioned any attempts to reach out to your FDIL. Not saying you didn't, but you don't really seem intent on finding common ground.

I'd suggest you'd give it some time and her some space. You know the saying, keep doing what you've always done, and you'll get what you've always got. Obviously your current way isn't working for you. Take MissJakob's advice and start slow with small gestures of appreciation and affection. Send a card or flowers occasionally. Again, it's really hard to not reciprocate someone's warmth and consideration. However, it is very easy to feel uncomfortable and stifled by someone's attempts to get too close too fast or expect too much too soon. Perhaps this is fine for you in other relationships, but you now know that it does not work with your FDIL, so you need to reevaluate your gameplan, especially if you value your relationship with your son and respect his decision for whom he has chose for a wife.

You are such a breath of fresh air to this thread Diva! My thoughts exactly.