Why is the FMIL relationship the most important? [Archive]

frankincense

01-04-2007, 10:32 AM

My friends and I were discussing this the other day and we were wondering why it is the FMIL relationship is the most important one you will have as a daughter in law-why it is more important than say, the one you have with your father-in-law. Why is that? I should say that part of the reason I am asking is because I am newly engaged, but also because I am writing a paper for class on MIL-DIL relations.

lea m

01-04-2007, 10:42 AM

I think mums have a lot of sway when it comes to sons! if MIL's dont like you, you dont have a great chance with the son! lol (thats not always true of couse, just my theory lol) but on the other hand, i have a good relationship with both MIL and FIL!

frankincense

01-04-2007, 10:55 AM

I don't think that is necessarily so. I don't think a man automatically refuses to marry a woman if his mother doesn't like her. In fact, I think most moms look at as my mom does-"If you don't like the person your child brings home, keep your mouth shut, unless that person is causing your child grievous bodily harm. Saying anything will just cause the child to dig their heels in."

brewsells

01-04-2007, 11:15 AM

IMO, whether we realize it or not, mothers have a big pull on their sons.. This isn't always true, of course.. In my case Adam didn't care what his Mom thought.. In the beginning she didn't like me at all.. I just think it is important to have a good relationship with MIL. If you don't have a good relationship with the inlaws, there is likely to be constant tension, which is turn is going to strain your marriage.

SerendipityCrafts

01-04-2007, 11:38 AM

If you don't have a good relationship with the inlaws, there is likely to be constant tension, which is turn is going to strain your marriage.

Too true! When you marry someone, whether you like it or not, you are marrying their family.

frankincense

01-04-2007, 11:54 AM

But mothers also have a huge pull on their daughters as well.

BriansBride07

01-04-2007, 12:05 PM

True mothers and inlaws both have a pull on their child's relationships. The way I look at it is that you are also marrying into the family in a way. especially if you are planning on having children later on. If you don't get along with your inlaws then how will your children ever have a good relationship with them, IT can also go for your soon to be husband he to will need to some degree get along with your family. It will put a toll on your relataionship if one or both of you don't get along with your inlaws. I thankfully and my FH both get along with each other's parents. And we both look at it as they are are 2nd parents.

WebLady

01-04-2007, 12:13 PM

... If you don't have a good relationship with the inlaws, there is likely to be constant tension, which is turn is going to strain your marriage.
I agree, but I think it is nice to have a good relationship with both the in-laws.

I got lucky, I have great in laws. My husband got a pretty typical MIL though ;)

frankincense

01-04-2007, 12:16 PM

SerendipityCrafts

01-04-2007, 12:24 PM

Well, for my paper's sake, can we just talk a bit more about why it is so important-the relationship for the two women? I mean what happens, if despite everyone's best efforts, the two women don't gel?

The two women don't gel. Fine .... either man/son chooses his soon to be wife or his mother. If the man/son isn't willing to do this, then the idea of getting married should be re-evaluated.

If the two women are at odds, I dare say that they will always be at odds and nothing good will come of it in the end. One of the women is always going to be hurt, feel like they have compromised themselves or feel resentful of the other.

BriansBride07

01-04-2007, 12:29 PM

Well, for my paper's sake, can we just talk a bit more about why it is so important-the relationship for the two women? I mean what happens, if despite everyone's best efforts, the two women don't gel?

It may bring problems to your relationship with your husband which is never a good thing. My best advice is to continue to try and resolve the issues.

WebLady

01-04-2007, 12:47 PM

The two women don't gel. Fine .... either man/son chooses his soon to be wife or his mother. If the man/son isn't willing to do this, then the idea of getting married should be re-evaluated.

If the two women are at odds, I dare say that they will always be at odds and nothing good will come of it in the end. One of the women is always going to be hurt, feel like they have compromised themselves or feel resentful of the other.
I agree there ... the extent of the problems that will arise from MIL & DIL not 'gelling' depends on the person. Whether they are willing to 'make nice' and be civil to each other for the good of the son/husband and the rest of the family.

In some cases no matter how hard one side tries there is just no getting along. Who knows why this is.

Check out movies like 'Monster In Law' and 'Hush'. www.monsterinlaw.com has a neat little survival guide that you might get some ideas from. You may also want to check out www.motherinlawstories.com

Good luck with your paper.

ladymelissa

01-04-2007, 04:44 PM

we were wondering why it is the FMIL relationship is the most important one you will have as a daughter in law-why it is more important than say, the one you have with your father-in-law. Why is that?
Because women are the ones that really rule the world. I love the analogy from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, "if the man is the head of the household, then the woman is the neck and she can make the head turn any way she wants."

Mrs. Cheyney

01-05-2007, 03:32 PM

It's hard to explain why it is important. Women like to be included and need to be needed. When we aren't, it's very hard and nothing is worse for the mother of a son to know she is not needed or wanted by her new daughter in law. If there is tension between the two women, the mother in law will miss out on much having to do with her son and new wife's family life. A mother in law knows that the family of her son's wife will get priority in all family events and gatherings, so it is hard. Basically, it would the relationship is important so that a MIL will continue to be part of her son and her DIL's life.

ger

01-05-2007, 05:24 PM

I read your question as "why is it more important to get along with you MIL than even getting along with your FIL. Here is what I think.

I think one of the reasons it is so important is that Mom's are more involved with their childrens life than Dad's, in most cases. Traditionally, they do most of the raising, so are probably more involved with the minute by minute parts of that childs life. I know I'm being old fashioned...and I'm sorry. My love for my MIL was like she was my second Mom. She helped me with advice for my kids (only when asked), and even advice on how to make her son happy. She should know...she raised him!!

I think Mom's are the nurturer's (sp), so they get more of that than the Dad's. I loved my FIL just as another Dad, but I sure didn't ask him what to do when my little one had 103 temp. Or how to make his son's favorite potato salad. LOL

If none of this makes sense, blame it on sleep deprivation...I worked all night!!

frankincense

01-05-2007, 05:46 PM

Mrs. Cheyney brought up something interesting-the fact that a lot of times, the FDIL or DIL tends to associate with her family or origin more and that means her husband may not see his folks as much. What does happen if a FDIL or DIL isn't all that close to her MIL or FMIL and doesn't really want to share her life or family occasions with her? What if she sees all that, especially girly outings and such as stuff she wants to do just with her mom and friends? What if she just prefers her mom's company to her MIL's or FMIL's? What then?

nic1124

01-05-2007, 10:46 PM

My FMIL is the nicest woman in the world. My mom passed away 11 yrs ago and it's very important to me that my FMIL likes me. However I am very quiet, nervous, and scared around her! I dont know why, maybe cuz I really want her to like me (which I think she already does). My future father in law on the other hand- I'm totally normal around him. Completely comfortable. It is wierd and I'm trying to figure out why this is.

janeandreawong

01-07-2007, 11:37 AM

guys are generally more emotionally attached to their moms compare to their dads. SO they would really appreciate if they future wife get along with their mom. Plus FMIL are hard to please, if you were able to, then you are lucky.

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kevinsbride2B

01-08-2007, 09:27 AM

It is an od realtionship I do agree. I know that more then anything with Kevin's parents I stress getting closer with his Mom.
There's also they rhyme...
A Daughter is yours for the rest of your life,
but a Son is yours till he takes a wife...

frankincense

01-08-2007, 10:55 AM

Why do they say, "A son's a son all your life and a daughter's a daughter all your life?" What's the basis behind that?

BriansBride07

01-08-2007, 12:17 PM

Why do they say, "A son's a son all your life and a daughter's a daughter all your life?" What's the basis behind that?

This is my take on the situation being that I am a daughter lol and also a mother of a daughter and a son.

There is no denying that no matter how rocky the relationship btw. a mother and a child gets you are always the person's mom/child. Even if the child gets married that is still your child. Yes you may have to take a back seat on some things in your adult child's life that only his or her wife/husband can take care of or be there for them. I know that no matter who is around me when I am sick the only one that will make me feel better is my mom. Yes my children help me and so doesn't my FH but nothing is like the closeness that you share with a mother when you are a child when you are sick,scared or injured IMO. A FH, child or friend can fill in the shoes of a mother. LOL I know I am a bad mama's girl. On the other hand my FH needs me to feel whole again and not his mother all the time when he is going through surgery ect. Yes he wants his mom there when it is happening but will always say that he needs me there more.

hummingbird521

01-08-2007, 12:21 PM

I know that no matter who is around me when I am sick the only one that will make me feel better is my mom. closeness that you share with a mother when you are a child when you are sick,scared or injured IMO. A FH, child or friend can fill in the shoes of a mother, to make you feel better at the time but to truely make me feel whole again I need my mom. LOL I know I am a bad mama's girl.

I know this is how I feel. There have been times that even living far away I would ask for my mom to come to me. I needed her to feel better. And she always has come no matter where i am.

BriansBride07

01-08-2007, 12:22 PM

I know this is how I feel. There have been times that even living far away I would ask for my mom to come to me. I needed her to feel better. And she always has come no matter where i am.

The love of a mother is great isn't it.

WebLady

01-08-2007, 12:27 PM

I was closer to my late MIL than I am with my own mother half the time. Sure I love my mother and I miss her when we don't talk for a while and I will miss her when she is gone, but she bugs me alot. For some reason I get along better with my daddy.

But as for the topic of why the MIL relationship is important ... well most of the time our men still have relationships with their mothers and they can make things rough all around if we don't get along with them.

frankincense

01-08-2007, 03:23 PM

No, what I meant was, is the saying true and if it is, that women tend to stay daughters all their lives and men don't tend to stay close with their families of origin the way women do. Also, why would an MIL make things rough if we don't get on with them?

hummingbird521

01-08-2007, 03:52 PM

SerendipityCrafts

01-08-2007, 04:04 PM

Is it just me or does anyone else think that we have exhausted this issue? IMHO, this topic just keeps going in circles.

I don't mean to offend but, we have given our answers (sometimes more than once) to the best of our ability and yet you seem to want more.

Perhaps we haven't understood the question properly and so we aren't giving you the answers you are looking for or perhaps there isn't just isn't enough material available to base a paper on?

WebLady

01-08-2007, 04:06 PM

No, what I meant was, is the saying true and if it is, that women tend to stay daughters all their lives and men don't tend to stay close with their families of origin the way women do.
I think it depends on the man. Typically women are more family oriented and want to stay close to their family. But some men are too.

... Also, why would a MIL make things rough if we don't get on with them?It is just that you will have to see each other at family gatherings and such, and if your husband still talks to his mother he can feel torn to take sides. So it is better for all to try to at least be civil with your spouses family. That is all I meant ;) But I'm sure it is different with everyone.

WebLady

01-08-2007, 04:10 PM

I think it depends on the man. Typically women are more family oriented and want to stay close to their family. But some men are too.

It is just that you will have to see each other at family gatherings and such, and if your husband still talks to his mother he can feel torn to take sides. So it is better for all to try to at least be civil with your spouses family. That is all I meant ;) But I'm sure it is different with everyone.

Is it just me or does anyone else think that we have exhausted this issue? IMHO, this topic just keeps going in circles.

... Perhaps we haven't understood the question properly and so we aren't giving you the answers you are looking for or perhaps there just isn't enough material available to base a paper on?
I was thinking the sane thing but couldn't remember who the OP was. We can't write your paper for you, you have to take our opinions and do more research and add your own thoughts and go from there. I could see an article, but I don't know how much you could drag out the topic for a paper.

Good luck though :)

BriansBride07

01-11-2007, 12:39 PM

You know it's funny that since Elizabeth and Brandi have called out the OP the thread about her questions as stopped.

ladymelissa

01-11-2007, 02:11 PM

I was thinking the sane thing but couldn't remember who the OP was. We can't write your paper for you, you have to take our opinions and do more research and add your own thoughts and go from there. I could see an article, but I don't know how much you could drag out the topic for a paper.

I was thinking he just wanted us to write his paper for him a long time ago, I gave him my opinion and left it at that. He now has more than enough public interviews or opinions and he is going to have to do research on his own. Maybe he should pick up a psychology or sociology book and look there.

P.S. Don't forget to site us as sources in your paper, if you are using our opinions!