Am I wrong for not sharing engagement story w/FMIL? [Archive]

bluebyrd

12-28-2006, 05:18 PM

My boyfriend proposed a week ago. After I happily
accepted, we told our families. When we broke the news
to my future mother in law (with whom I don't get
along) she asked how her son proposed. I told her that
it was a private moment that I preferred to keep
between her son and myself. You should have seen her
face- it looked like I spit at her.

Now word has come back to me that she is hurt by my
refusal to tell my betrothal story. I have told my mom
and sister because I love and am close to them. I do
not feel the same way in the least about my
boyfriend's mother and I don't feel that I did
anything wrong in not telling her. It is my business
and I in no way see that she is automatically entitled
to know it. I think it is good to set boundaries,
especially with this woman, who cannot seem to stop
asking me a ton of personal questions. I think if I
set limits now, she will get the hint that she will
not be involved in every facet of my marriage. So,
tell me, am I wrong not to have shared the engagement
story? Am I right to set limits? I should also say I
am a very private, introspective person and I really
don't like answering personal questions or sharing
personal info.

ladymelissa

12-28-2006, 05:48 PM

Congrats on your engagement!

Are you sure you didn't refuse to tell her just to spite her? A proposal story is one of those things that everyone wants to know, most couples put it on their wedsite and just wait until showers, e-parties and the wedding where you will get that question a hundred times. She was not out of line for asking. I really think you should come up with a version that you are comfortable sharing, not only with her, but with the world. You do not have to disclose every last detail down to the color of panties you were wearing at the time, but a general account of how it went is pretty standard.

I am surprised your FH didn't tell her, which brings me to another point; it is just as much his story as it is yours. And he is her son, just as much you are your mom's daughter. Try to mend things with her as much as possible, since you will be part of the same family. Hopefully you both can carry on with a civil relationship. Best wishes.

ladymelissa

12-28-2006, 05:52 PM

I should add that it is okay to have and set limits, but a proposal story is not as private as your sexual and medical history or your level of income, for example. Some things are not anyone else's business, but I don't put proposal stories in that category.

Valmai

12-29-2006, 05:15 AM

I agree with melissa, she is his mother and as so is just as entitled to be excited by this kind of information as ur mother is. Setting limits for the future is all well and good but u cant get away fromt he fact that she will be ur MIL at one point however much u try and push her away she will still b his mother. xxx

cowboysbride

12-29-2006, 08:51 AM

I agree with Melissa. Now with that said I can also see where you are coming from. My ex-husbands mother was horrific...she constantly had to know everything and when she did she critiqued me over it....she played a large role in our divorce as well. My advice to you is come to an understanding with this woman before you say "I Do", like it or not MIL's are a HUGE part of your married life and when they aren't happy you won't be either. I'm not trying to gloom and doom the situation but coming to terms or "happy grounds" with her now will definetly ease any future strain on your marriage. Try not to be so defensive about her, (not saying that you are) she may be a loving person that just wants to know all about the beautiful girl her son has chosen to be his wife!

Best of luck, I know where you're coming from and just want to help you avoid what happened to me!

bluebyrd

12-29-2006, 12:36 PM

Cowgirl, thanks for the advice, but there are exceptions. My gran's MIL hated her and she and my grampy for married for 60 years. I feel that the engagement story is a private thing and I don't have to share it with those I don't want to. FH can tell his mom if he wants to. I don't get along with the woman-I am polite, nice, but don't go out of my for her and don't spend time with her and I am not going to confide in her one of the happiest, most intimate moments of my life.

brewsells

12-29-2006, 01:06 PM

I was always completely happy to tell my engagement story. Even with those I didn't like. As Melissa said, I don't see that as "Intimate" to the point where I wouldn't want to share. Although, it is your choice. You can tell who you want and not tell who you don't want to.. I do know if it was my child that just got engaged and it was refused to be told to me, I would be quite upset.

bluebyrd

12-29-2006, 01:16 PM

cowboysbride

12-29-2006, 01:23 PM

Well...I didn't mean to offend you, sounds like you and she have issues. She will still know things, he'll tell her...especially if has any type of relationship at all with his mother (which is only right). Putting her on boundaries with you will only cause her to find other ways to find out what she wants and that could lead to problems between you and he. It's your right, you don't have to tell her but I wouldn't worry so much about not sharing those details with her as I would the long term effects of an unhealthy relationship with your FMIL. Best of luck.

ladymelissa

12-29-2006, 01:31 PM

FH can tell her if he wants to. I just don't feel close to her and I don't see that she has the "right" to know. IT seems that you guys feel she has a right to know and I argue that she doesn't. I told my mom and sister because I love them and feel close to them. Like I said, it's good to set boundaries with FMIL-she has to learn she won't know all about our lives-she is nosy enough and intrusive as it is. I am sick of it.
I think that your reaction to the proposal story question would make her even more nosy and suspicious.

Are you sure she is being nosy and intrusive or just a genuine, caring person? Most people who care are genuinely interested in their children's lives. I hope you have at least tried to give her the benefit of the doubt.

bluebyrd

12-29-2006, 01:34 PM

brewsells

12-29-2006, 01:40 PM

I think that the point we are all trying to make (and excuse me Ellen and Melissa if I am wrong) is that drawing a boundary with this type of thing could lead to problems with you and FH. Chances are, he loves his mother and it going to take defense when he feels his mother is being treated the way he doesn't think she should be. Honestly, I dont' see the problem with sharing the story with her.. Now if it came down to her asking about your sex life, then yes, draw a line, but this is an engagment. A huge point in her sons life. As the saying goes, choose your battles. Is this really the way you want to start out the relationship with your FMIL?
You asked for our opinions, and we gave them.

ladymelissa

12-29-2006, 01:46 PM

I don't understand how me not telling her about the engagement would lead to a bad relationship. Boundaries are healthy, we all need them, especially with mothers in law. I am curious as to why you all think I shouldn't set them with her.
We aren't telling you to let her move in with you or let her install cameras in your house so she can monitor you 24/7, she just wants to share the joy of your and her son's proposal story. She is interested for the same reasons your mom was interested.

Like I said before, at the wedding, people who you may have never even met before will probably ask how you got engaged. It a pretty standard question, like asking what someone does for a living when they are getting acquainted. Your coworkers may even ask about the prop. story when they see the ring or hear that you are engaged. I think that you are making a mountain out of a molehill in this particular situation.

bluebyrd

12-29-2006, 01:51 PM

I like my coworkers.:bbredface:

ladymelissa

12-29-2006, 02:02 PM

I guess we can all agree to disagree, you are welcome to conduct yourself however you see fit, but if you do marry this guy then his mom will be in the picture and a civil relationship with her will make your future together that much better. It is highly unlikely that he will forsake his mom for you and like Ellen said, it probably won't be pretty.

I like my coworkers.

And right there, you just admitted that you are not as private and shy of a person as you made yourself out to be in the OP. You aren't telling her b/c you have a personal vendetta against her and that is really unfortunate. And it will only give her that much more ammunition against you.

bluebyrd

12-29-2006, 02:19 PM

I didn't say I would tell my coworkers, I just said I liked them. Big diff

brewsells

12-29-2006, 02:23 PM

I didn't say I would tell my coworkers, I just said I liked them. Big diff

Wow! :whoa: :irked: :bbeek: What I don't understand is why you ask people their opinion and get all mad when they give it to you. If you already had your mind set on this, why ask?

cowboysbride

12-29-2006, 02:30 PM

I can see where this is going...tell who you want, the way you want and if you don't want to, then don't. It is your proposal after all.

We were only trying to help you keep from making an obviously bad situation with your FMIL worse...if you intentionally keep this from her and share it with others though she will get the story and then all your energies exerted in keeping it from her will be spent and you'll end up looking silly for keeping it from her and damage will be done. You wanted an opionon and we gave it...sorry you don't agree but we're a pretty close bunch around here and we try to help people out and we genuinley care...we weren't trying to be mean.

bluebyrd

12-29-2006, 02:38 PM

I know and appreciate all that you guys are doing, I am just not an open person. Never have been and I don't want the close relationship that FMIL wants us to have.

ladymelissa

12-29-2006, 02:39 PM

If you already had your mind set on this, why ask?

That is the point I am at.

At least I now understand why your relationship with your FMIL is difficult at best.

ladymelissa

12-29-2006, 02:41 PM

I know and appreciate all that you guys are doing, I am just not an open person. Never have been and I don't want the close relationship that FMIL wants us to have.
You will all be part of the same family. There is a difference bet. close and polite, I just hope that you at least choose the latter.

bluebyrd

12-29-2006, 02:43 PM

I am polite, but she wants us to do girly stuff and for me to confide in her and I am not interested.

cowboysbride

12-29-2006, 02:47 PM

I am polite, but she wants us to do girly stuff and for me to confide in her and I am not interested.

Most FDIL would love to have FMIL that cares like that.

bluebyrd

12-29-2006, 02:56 PM

I have a mom and friends that I confide in if I want.

ladymelissa

12-29-2006, 03:27 PM

In my opinion you may want to seriously reconsider your decision to get married, b/c along with a husband you get a whole new family as well, they are a package deal. If you are too good to accept kind gestures and be open to new friendships and family relationships then maybe you would be more suited for a single life and just visit your mom and your hand-picked selection of friends when you deem it necessary. IMO, you are sort of missing the concept of marriage.

cowboysbride

12-29-2006, 03:33 PM

And...if you're such a private person then you might want to re-think posting on the net in communities such as this. These are not private, and for such a private person I was wondering what you were doing in here to begin with...other than arguing and being rude to people over opinions that you asked for.

lea m

12-29-2006, 03:35 PM

Let me get this straight, your not telling your FMIL the details of the engagement because YOU dont like her even though she is trying her hardest to get to know you and be liked by you?? Well as a mother of 2 boys, i would go mad if you said to me that your proposal was personal yet you tell others!!!! But then again, id have the sense not to ask you!! id ask my son! To be quite honest i think your being rather silly and at the end of the day,it will be you that has to suffer the consequences! its your proposal not what you did in bed last night!

bluebyrd

12-29-2006, 03:36 PM

I don't think I am being rude. And yes, just because I am private doesn't mean I can't post on boards. I like FH's family, especially his step mom and dad, his mother is the one I don't particularly care for.

ger

12-30-2006, 10:48 PM

WhiskeyGirl

12-31-2006, 12:58 AM

What does your FH think of the situation? Does he get along with his Mom? You say you get along with his step-mother more...does he? I think you are setting yourself up for big time failure. I will agree with another poster that said "pick your battles". This seems like such a small thing to get upset over. I'm sorry if I don't see what all you fuss is about. Just my thoughts...take them or leave them.

Ger!!

I agree, I also don't see why making a mountain out a mole hill is worth it in this situation!! I know from experience that the little things that we do to piss off the inlaws will ALWAYS be remembered, or it will take them a while to forget. If I was in your position I'd give her the "Coles notes" version. Ya know short and sweet and to the point. If you intend to make the relationship work with your FH, you'll have to be more then just polite to his mother. And besides, what is so wrong with his mom anyhow? I would love to do things with my MIL, but she doesn't speak a large amount of english, even at that, I do what I can to make both her and I feel loved and comfortable. I just don't understand why it is so wrong to open up to her? What are you TRUELY afraid of, because I really feel like there is an underlying story here!

darkangel090260

12-31-2006, 04:06 AM

Ger,

I have to agree with eveyone ells on this. A engament Story is not something that personal. If it was that personal you would have never told your mother or friends. You need to give this woman a chances and not just throw a wall up this soon. If she starts crossing line in to normaly privet areas then set limits with her. But being exited for you and asking about a engment that not only effects you and your family but your FI and his family is not crossing any type of line.

If you do not wish people asking you about it then i would sugest you dont tell anyone ells and just go to las Vegas and get married. But dont share that with anyone eather or they may ask youe questions. IMOP your bring very childish about this. If you wish to keep your life privet then dont let other people in to your life that inculdes husband or children, because you may have to share something with them.. And if you are as privet as you say dont go tell other stranger you bus on the net.

ger

12-31-2006, 09:06 AM

DarkAngel,

I'm not the one having trouble with my FMIL. I actually would have loved to have known her...she sounds like she was a wonderful person. Unfortunately, she passed a couple of years ago...before I was with her wonderful son.

I am VERY fortunate in that I had a SUPER MIL from my first marriage. She is still a very big part of my life.

I realize you probably just made an error in your address...but I didn't want anyone thinking that I don't like my MIL...or even my FMIL.

bluebyrd

12-31-2006, 12:11 PM

But the engagement story is private. She does not have a right or need to know. I am not stopping FH from telling her, if he wants. I just don't see the big deal if she doesn't know.

ger

12-31-2006, 01:42 PM

I guess I don't understand how "private" an engagement story can be when you have shared it with other people. My personal opinion is that you are trying to make trouble for yourself when you don't need to. If you were my daughter (and I have 3, so I do know about daughters) I would tell you that you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar...and to BE NICE!! I'm sorry if you're offended by this...but you did ask what we thought. Now, you either need to listen to the advice you're getting or skip it.

Sorry to all if I am being tooooo crabby. I have had a long day and night and another day in healthcare...dealing with trying to save a life....and someone being mean to another human being is just not in it for me today. Again, I'm sorry!!

darkangel090260

12-31-2006, 03:34 PM

Ger, Sorry Yes i addressed it wrong and for some reason this thing will not let me eddit that post

jeni740

01-01-2007, 09:22 AM

But the engagement story is private. She does not have a right or need to know. I am not stopping FH from telling her, if he wants. I just don't see the big deal if she doesn't know. Oh dear, just tell your FH to tell her and get it over with. I understand you are a private person, BUT why come on here ask for opinions and then shoot them all down. No one as far as I know or ever even heard of has ever been this private about her engagement story, it is a beautiful thing to share especially to FH's mom You have to understand its his MOM she gave birth to him, it is her child, she is not asking to be nosy, she is asking because it is her son. Did you tell his dad and step mom? If so I think thats kinda rude, JMO you asked I will tell you yes I think you are wrong for not telling his mom. I told everyone in about 2 seconds it was nothing mushy or romantic, but people asked and I told them. personally if someone asked me and I said "sorry I am not telling you" I would feel a little odd. JMO do what you want. Good luck

SerendipityCrafts

01-01-2007, 10:13 AM

But the engagement story is private. She does not have a right or need to know. I am not stopping FH from telling her, if he wants. I just don't see the big deal if she doesn't know.

The original question is - Am I wrong for not sharing the engagement story w/FMIL. No no ..... of course you are completely right. It's not a big deal. She shouldn't know. You shouldn't not say a thing. No need to try to get along. You are absolutely, definitely, postively correct on all points. Just keep things private and the way they are and everything will be fine.

This is what you wanted to hear right? Better now?

ger

01-01-2007, 10:21 AM

Ger, Sorry Yes i addressed it wrong and for some reason this thing will not let me eddit that post

No apology necessary...I just didn't want anyone thinking I don't love my MIL!! LOL

Ger!

lea m

01-01-2007, 12:02 PM

But the engagement story is private.

Well im guessing you wont be starting a wedding journal then? lol

Jacklynn

01-02-2007, 07:55 AM

I agree that you are going to get asked a million times about how you became engaged. I have never found it prying. Sometimes I go into further detail with some people, other times I simply say, oh we were in Chicago. Since it's his mother I actually am surprised that her own son didn't share the details of the plans before he did it, just to clue her in. Many people knew it before I did. She is his mother, I feel that she deserves to hear a decently detailed story about it.

You of course shouldn't feel like you have to talk about the intimate parts of it, like the exact words that he used to express his love for you, but where you were, what was going on, and what the general moment was like when he asked the question should make you INCREDIBLY happy to share... You love this man and are saying you want to spend the rest of your life with him, don't you want to share when that commitement started?

Not only could it be hurting your FMIL, but there is a HUGE chance that you are really huring your Fiance's feelings. I know that Matt (my Fiance) was nervous on that day, not because he was worried about getting a yes, but because he knew that I would tell the story about that day over and over again to many people, and he wanted me to be able to tell an amazing story. He wanted me to be excited and tell everyone how it happened. If I went around saying, no thanks I would rather keep the story to myself, Matt would have been CRUSHED. While most guys don't really dream about the day that they propose since they were little like we do about buying our wedding dress, walking down the aisle ect. I know that most guys do put a lot of effort and dream about making that day a perfect day that is so perfect that you can share for years to come, even when you have grandkids and they ask you how he did it.

I know that is really long, and some of it may not make since, but I have been reading responces on this thread for a few days now and just kind of wanted to put my 2 cents in.

I also hope that you don't take our advice as unfriendly, I do hope that you stick around, you just asked for our advice and we gave it in honesty.

BriansBride07

01-04-2007, 11:10 AM

I understand that you are a private person. But why not tell your future inlaws the people that you need to get to know better?? Why start off on such a sour note??? JMO but I would want to let people know. I mean you are telling your family why is his so different?? Also you are telling your friends. IMO his famlily should know before your friends do.. I hope it all works out for you in the end.

My proposal wasn't anything romantic or anything like that. But in my heart it was the best proposal that I could get I would shout it from the rooftops if people would listen to me. LOL..... I'm a very shy person to but I love it when people ask me how it all happened and I am happy to share it with them.

frankincense

01-04-2007, 04:28 PM

I have to say that, well, I am going to say this wrong, so let me get this out the right way. To the poster who wrote this, you have to understand, that a MOG is at a terrible disadvantage all through the wedding process and perhaps all through her son's married life. We know that an MOB is going to get all the tiny details, all the great and glorious things that an MOg doesn't get just because she is not the bride's mother. MOGS and MILs are often out of the loop and it is quite a hurtful thing and a lot of times, it is unintentional, it is just the reality of mothering a boy and not a girl.

That said, I think that the poster should not make it so obvious that she wants nothing to do with her fiance's mom and to maybe treat her a little better. You don't have to tell her everything or what you will tell your mom, but a little something would be nice.

bluebyrd

01-05-2007, 09:48 AM

But of course a bride will be closer to her mom than her FMIL-that's her mother! Her mother is going to get privileges an FMIL won't and quite rightly.

cowboysbride

01-05-2007, 09:55 AM

:hothead: We've told you what we think. You asked by the way, remember? Do what you want and I hope it works out for you but for goodness sake let's move on!

WebLady

01-05-2007, 11:10 AM

It is obvious that you have your mind set on this issue, so I don't know why you bothered to ask for an outside opinion anyway.

I am not going to offer any advice because you don't seem to want it. But I will say that I have to agree with most everyone else.

See people love weddings and when a person gets engaged and married they will get asked all kinds of things, like "How did you meet?" and "How did he propose", etc ... If one felt these things had intimate aspects they didn't want to share, I would tell them to just keep it vague. ie; "We met at work" or "He asked over dinner, it was very sweet and a personal moment I will cherish forever" Most people will be appeased with such answers, I can't imagine someone pushing for more.

Now if one was to get questions from strangers or people that you may never see again then you have the choice not to answer at all. But one should still try not to be rude about it. But in the case of a MIL, this person is likely to be in your life for many years to come and it would only make things bad on you and your husband to have a bad relationship. Sure you don't have to be buddy, buddy, but be courteous ... especially if the other party is trying. But that is just my opinion.

Me, I loved my MIL and she is gone now and I miss her everyday. My husband doesn't love my mother, but he talks to her when she asks him things. If it is something he doesn't really want to talk about he just keeps his answers vague and changes the subject.

That is all I am gonna say on this subject. I hope this thread can be helpful for someone else in this situation since it didn't seem to help the OP.

janeandreawong

01-07-2007, 10:49 AM

woohoo2me

01-14-2007, 06:49 AM

e-parties .

i dont have any comments to this question but i was just going to ask, what is an e-party???

WebLady

01-14-2007, 10:22 AM

i dont have any comments to this question but i was just going to ask, what is an e-party???
e-party is an engagement party ... often times we will use shorter versions of words and/or acronyms (http://forums.onewed.com/showthread.php?t=3993) on the board ;)

frenchie

07-11-2007, 10:26 AM

Oh I didn't know what an e-party was either - I had a vague notion that it was a bunch of friends getting together on an IRC chat, or perhaps a less-geeky version of a LAN-party lol.

bichonlvr

07-11-2007, 11:44 AM

WOW!!! I am not even sure if you will still read this Bluebryd BUT I was reading through this thinking...what in the world are you going to do when you have children with your FH??????? Your FMIL will obviosuly want a HUGE part in that since they will be her grandchildren.

Also, what are you trying to HIDE???????

I see if your engagement story was private like what he was buck naked dancing around...etc. LOL!!!

You are BIG TIME setting yourself up for PROBLEMS!!!! How mad are you going to be when she starts NOT telling you stories about your FH from when he was little??????? Maybe she wont like you enough to tell you important things?!?!?!?

Hopefully, your son's wives will like you!!!!!

Well said other ladies;)