Please tell me I'm not wrong......

[countrygirl]

First, a history lesson. My father and mother had a very violent relationship. My son’s father and I did as well. When I left my x, my ‘father’ told me he was sorry for not helping me when he found out what probs we had, but tat I was going to jail for ‘kidnapping’ my son. He then found my x an attny, bashed my mother and I in a letter to the court, and I nearly lost my son because I didn’t have an attny to fight it. My family swore they were never going to speak to him again after that.

Now at the wedding, there were lies about where my sister and her husband disappeared to a few times, and at the reception, my ‘brother in law’ told me that my face looked like my butt, thinking it was a funny thing to say.

Last night, my sister calls me and tells me that she has been talking to my ‘father’ and that he wanted my #, or address. She is trying to forgive him and wants to rebuild a relationship. She now doesn’t remember anything that he did, and said he had a good point in saying that he didn’t witness abuse between my x and I so couldn’t attest to it. Ok, so then it was right to help my x fight me and try to take my son from me?

And now, I am being ‘so self-centered’ because I didn’t think he should have anything to do w anyone in the family and because I couldn’t take a joke over what my brother in law said. I am self centered because I waned certain things to go a certain way, and it wasn’t making her husband feel comfortable enough (which is always the case).

Am I wrong in being overly hurt?

[Kacie_bride]

I don't think you are wrong at all. What he did was inexcusable.

[WebLady]

First of all, I think you should move passed all that and move on with your life. Holding grudges is bad for you.

I don't think you are wrong at all. What he did was inexcusable.
I agree, but ...

If your 'father' wants to make nice and be a part of your life again, you can give him a chance. BUT, I wouldn't get all buddy, buddy with him like nothing happened.

The way I see it is I can forgive, but I can't forget. You don't want to put yourself in a position for someone to screw you over again. So if you want to try again with your 'father' then just take it slow and see how it goes. Treat him like a new friend and make him earn your trust. Don't give him too many details and don't open up too much to him KWIM?

Best wishes :hug:

ETA ... Your BIL sounds like an idiot, f' him! How old is he anyway?

[countrygirl]

"BIL" is 32, and a self ritious jerk. "Church going man to himself.

The thing w my 'father' is that he is't trying to make nice. He has ditched me for most of my life after they divorced, never paid child support, and made two attempts to see me. He lies about my mother constatly. He admitted to hitting her, which I personally witnessed, but told the courts that my mother lied about it all. He is a probation officer in Ca, knew that my x did drugs, yet still tried to help him gain custody of my son.

[WebLady]

"BIL" is 32, and a self ritious jerk. "Church going man to himself.

The thing w my 'father' is that he is't trying to make nice. He has ditched me for most of my life after they divorced, never paid child support, and made two attempts to see me. He lies about my mother constatly. He admitted to hitting her, which I personally witnessed, but told the courts that my mother lied about it all. He is a probation officer in Ca, knew that my x did drugs, yet still tried to help him gain custody of my son.
Well just try to move on then and don't think about him. I your sister wants to talk to him then that his on her, I'd tell her to leave you and your family out of their conversations. If she says anything about it then tell her you wish the best for him (and her) but you are on a different path on your life now.

[shawnsgirl]

First off you are extremly justified in your feelings and I don't think anyone could have handled it any better. Your sister is foolish for allowing him to make nice with her and for now I would be careful what you even say to your sister because you don't know what is going between the two of them when your not around. If I was your sister, even though I didn't witness the abuse, there would be no way in H$LL that I would make nice for what he has done to you with your son despite the fact that "he didn't witness it so he can't attest to it". I don't understand how she could do that. I am christian and I believe in forgiving. But you can't forgive someone who isn't sorry and shows no remorse and doesn't own up to what wrongs have been done. Your father has betrayed you, your trust, and any sort of relationship and I think your sister is making a HUGE mistake because this man is only making "nice" with her for his own personal gain not because he loves her. Maybe I am wrong and maybe I'm being harsh on your sister but it's only an outsiders opinion. As for your BIL....I don't understand a person would even say something like that...Gosh...Stay away from these people and by all means keep your son away too!! Good luck and hang in there we're her for you!!!

[hummingbird521]

From what I have read I would not make nice with my father at all. Whether he ever said he is sorry or not I would personally steer clear of him. If he ever says he is sorry I would tell him thank you for saying that, but I still do not or ever want anything more to do with him. I can forgive but I cannot forget. I would also watch some of the things I said to my sister. Only because of her relationship with her father. I would be honest and tell her I want nothing to do with him and what she does is fine, but leave me and my family out of their conversations.

[ladymelissa]

You aren't wrong at all! I would be beyond hurt. I also wouldn't have anything to do with them. Maybe if they made a sincerely apology, I might consider trying to get over it, but based on what you said, no way.

As far as your BIL is concerned, how does he even know what your butt looks like anyway? He sounds like a piece of work and I would not be afraid to verbally put him in his place if says things like that again!

[mariaandmanish]

You certainly are completely right in being hurt right now. You have no reason to try to let him back into your life, and I don't blame you at all if you don't want to. I also think that you should be upset with your sister and BiL. It sounds like they're the selfish ones and they need to work on that, not you.

[countrygirl]

As far as your BIL is concerned, how does he even know what your butt looks like anyway?

Thanks Melissa, I needed a chuckle!!!

And thank you ladies. My mother has said the same things. I just wanted to get an 'outsider' view. Though you don't know her side, you have pretty much said the same things.

As of right now, my sis and I aren't even talking because of what she has said, and the things that she and her husband have done.

I needed this girls, thank you.

[SerendipityCrafts]

Wow ... all I have to say is that I have stopped contact with a few people for doing less. I feel for you hun. I feel you are totally justified in taking the stand that you did.

If your sister wants to "make nice" with Dad ... then that's fine. Perhaps this is something that she needs to do but that doesn't mean that you have to follow suit.

[NicksBride]

I haev teh same issue with my father, he is not a nice man and people keep telling me i need to make nice with him. What he did was hurt you very badly and there is nothing in any books that say you need to forgive him for anything. If your sister wants to do that, fine that is her choice, but you will never forget what you father did to you and that is OK!!!

[BriansBride07]

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I also have a horrible Sperm donor father. It sounds like you have tried to make attempts to have him in your life but he just doesn't want it. I would cut all ties with him and not look back. It would be the best for you and your family. It took me awhile before I did this with my father. It took me getting a restraining order against him before he stopped bothering me, you and your child do not need to go through that. As for your BIL I agree with the other ladies F### him. He sounds like a royal arse, and hurting someones feeling for the sake of him getting a laugh out of it is uncalled for. I would just sweep him under the carpet to with your dad. LOL.... As for your sister if she wants a realtionship with your dad then by all means tell her to go for it, but you are not longer trying. I wish you all the best.

[cowboysbride]

Oh how could I have missed my Heather needing my advice LOL!

I think you are doing what you feel is right. I have never known you to not think with your heart. What you "father" did was horrible and I would have done a lot worse than stopped speaking to him (JMO, you know how I am)!

As for you sister, well lack of memory on her part doesn't make for justification....her feelings are hers, yours are yours....if she wants him in her life then boohyah for her. You evidently have issues with him (and from what is sounds like completly justifiable ones).

As for you BIL...OMG lemme at him! If your butt looks like your face then your husband must be very happy to have such a beautiful bride with such a nice @$$!

Stand you ground, think with your heart and do what your conscience is telling you to do....you can forgive him and move on but that doesn't mean you have to let him walk over you again...

If you need me you e-mail me!

[countrygirl]

Uh-Oh, now he's pi$$ed off our pregnant Ellen!!!

[WhiskeyGirl]

This is my feeling, if you sister wants to have a relationship that's too bad but she shouldnt bring you into it. Your father didn't act like a father at all and I don't blame you for not wanting anything to do with him!! She should understand that, IMO.

[SaralovesMike]

I'm not gonna repeat what everyone else has said, it seems we all have the same opinion about the situation. You need to do what's right for you if that means walking away then so be it. Your sister at the very least should support whatever your decision is.
You are absolutely justified with how you are feeling and I'm so sorry you are going thru this.

As far as your BIL goes.. wow, what an a$$!!!

[Valmai]

For once i actually agree with the majority lol - many things are forgivable trying to take your daughters child off her is not one of them!!! I totally agree with what your doing i certainly wouldnt want him in my life either - if ur sis does then thats her problem she know of his past but chooses to ignore it but thats up to her it doesnt mean that u have to as well does it. You do what make u happy and enjoy the wonderful marriage/relationship you have and forget all about the past! xxx

[lea m]

If your sister wants to "make nice" with Dad ... then that's fine. Perhaps this is something that she needs to do but that doesn't mean that you have to follow suit.

I agree!! I personally would never be able to forgive my "father" in your situation!!! Your BIL, what a Knob! he sounds like a 12 year old!! treat him like one!! He's not even worth you wasting a second on! But if your sister seems to think that it was a funny thing to say and you should take a joke, well she sounds just as silly!