Advice on Niece that lives with me!

[Summerbmd]

Ok, I will try to make this as short as possible but it will be difficult. I have my 16 year old niece (she will be 17 in Feb) that lives with me due to some issues with her stepfather. She lived with me her whole 8th grade year, went back home that Summer, then went to live with my other sister inlaw some of her 9th grade year, that was not a good environment so she came back to live with me for about 3 months then went back home only to go to juvenile hall for assault against her stepfather in November of last year. I still don't understand why she was taken since she had the black eye and "the assault" was her kicking him off of her, but whatever. So I went and got her out of that place and since, have had the charges dropped due to proof that it was self defense. Well now to present time, she has lived a very unhealthy life style with her mother (her father that was my brother, passed away in 2000), and now we are paying for it. She is very sweet and helpful and really doesn't cause "a lot" of problems. But, in early Oct she went to a store with my mom and was picked up for shoplifting, we were completely blown away. I did not expect anything like this from her. We went to court last week and she was given community service at a senior living center. The next day i reviewed our cell phone bills to find out that she had used our cell phones to send text messages when she was grounded from everything from the time she had gotten picked up at the store to at least the court date. Basically she has been grounded almost half her life with her mother and stepfather and it just seems that really doesn't phase her or work. So now, she has had what she calls her boyfriend for a little while now and my new way of at least trying to get her to think before she does, I have told her if she messes up again she will not be allowed to see or talk to him at all. I am so lost I have no idea what to do with her anymore.

Sorry so long just wanted to give a little background, has anyone had trouble with their kids like this?

[septemberbride06]

well, In Feb. she will technically be a legal adult. I would just tell her to straighten up, or she will have to leave. Me and my step-mom had alot of problems when I was growing up, but as soon as I moved out, and realized that things wern't so bad at home. I really straightened up!!
Sorry...that's all I got http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_2_43.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNxdm824YYUS)





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[mariaandmanish]

Sounds like she's a very unhappy and angry girl. The only thing she knows how to do is mess up, so that's what she does. Sounds also like she might be scared of good times, and therefore she acts out as well as a result of that. I'm sorry that you're going through this and I really hope that you can find a way to reach her that will make a difference. Counseling might be something that you should consider, if you think she would go and you can find someway to do it. Otherwise, if you try all of that, and talk with her and all, I would definitely have to suggest going with tough love. I would just suggest that as the last resort since she's had so much of that already and is probably just expecting it.

Good luck with her, hun!!

[max'sonlyone]

Hey, I figured I might add something in here. I just recently turned 18, and as soon as I did, Max and I got engaged. I moved out of my mom's house last february, I turned 17 the august before that. Right after I turned 17 is when I met Max. I was going through a very hard time in life, and he made me feel better about myself, still does. I don't want to be judged for my mistakes, I moved in with him when I had only known him 6 months, and it's because my mom told me I wasn't allowed to talk to him if I lived with her. She didn't want me to see him, and I couldn't handle it. All I'm trying to say is that I'm the same age as her and very happy, but had to find how to do it myself. I went about it the wrong way because I was pushed to by my parents telling me to not talk to him. Now, I never got into legal trouble, the cops in my home town are some of my best friends, but I just want you to be careful with the threats. From what it sounds like, she could do what I did, and move out to be with him, which you don't want and ultimately she most likely doesn't want either. Just be careful, ok? Because a relationship that shouldn't be could be if she moves out to be with him. I wish you the best of luck!


ETA: I think what she needs now is a friend and someone to talk to, try taking on that role too. It can make a world of a difference to a troubled teen to have someone who will just listen and not judge, and maybe that's what he provides for her.

[Summerbmd]

Thank you both for your input. I have tried so many different things with her, I have explained to her that I am at a lost as to why she continues to break rules when all I am trying to do is help her and insure a future. I also told her that I feel this boy is a very good influence on her and I like him a lot. The problem is HE is the only thing she cares about. We talk all the time and I asked her with the latest incident with the phones whether she thought about getting caught, and she said yes. But she didn't think as far as the consequences. Right before the whole shoplifting thing I had ordered her a cell phone that she knew was coming because she was doing so good. So then she didn't get that. I am looking into counseling for her because I think she just doesn't know how to be good anymore.

[WebLady]

I would try talking to her, no threats just talk. Tell her you are going to be there for her and do whatever you can for her, but you need her to straighten up and stay out of trouble.

Remind her that there has to respect and trust for any relationship to work ... and it has to go both ways.

Tell her that you understand what she has been through and you want to help her, but you need her help too. Hopefully she will get it.

I don't know, that is all I got, this is one of the reasons I don't have kids.

I wish you both the best!

[BriansBride07]

OK it sounds to me that she is acting out for the simple reason to get attention she doesn't know how to take in the postive attention so she is acting out to get the negative attention. she secretly craves b.c she doesn't know any better. Threating her to not let her talk to her boyfriend her only outlet for her is the wrong approach, you will end up losing her in the end. If he is such a sweet guy and good for her maybe you should talk to him about things and give her some positive feedback on how she is acting. I would also get her some counseling where she can go and tell someone her feeling's w/out feeling like she is being judged. I think btw. the boyfriend and a counsler and your undevoted attention and love you will see a big diff. in her soon as soon as she realizes what love really is. I wish you all the best with this situation. I would not let her continue to move out of your home so many times it sounds like she is just getting worse every time she comes back.

[ladymelissa]

I don't know, that is all I got, this is one of the reasons I don't have kids.

AMEN!

Is it too late to put her up for adoption? (sort of kidding)

I guess counseling would be best and/or just wait it out, eventually she'll do something bad enough to earn her some hard time, then you are off the hook.

[rainbowtreat]

I agree with using the boyfriend as a threat not being a good one. Maybe make a point of making him a part of things. Have him over to the house more often. Taking the time to do things that she wants to do. If it is her choice it makes a difference. I think praise is the best thing for her. Yes she is older and should know better but from the sounds of it she has problems and has had a hard life. Make a point of pointing out the good things in her. Sounds more like reverse sycology (sp) but it may work. What do you have to lose. Good luck with her.