Holiday Drama

[WebLady]

With Thanksgiving fast approaching I made some calls to the family today to try to work out the details of our little get together. The last few years we have done 'Thanksgiving eve' with my family and Thanksgiving day with DH's family. That way we can spend more time with both sides, instead of having to split the day and have to run around from place to place. This has worked out fine for the last 2 or 3 yrs.

But this year my Mom is getting a little upset about the arrangment. She made a comment like "Well if you have other plans then don't bother" :snide: I don't know what her deal is, I guess she feels like I am trying to take something away from her (I was the one who originally suggested the eve thing) and/or that DH's family is more important to me :bbrolleyes:

Why oh why is there always some kind of drama with my family!? DH's family doesn't cause me such grief.

I mean, I know some couples switch off and spend the holidays with one side of the family one year and the other side the next. I am trying to make an effort to spend adequate time with both sides while still being able to do something alone with my 'family' (DH, myself and my dogs) is that so wrong?!

:jp3: Sometimes I don't know why I bother trying!

[SerendipityCrafts]

(((((((((((((((Brandi)))))))))))))))))

Can you switch out one year to the next & save Thanksgiving eve for the two of you each year? Or ....... what would everyone think of coming to your place next year (I know, I know - it's a lot of work! and sometimes makes for too much stress as well).

[WhiskeyGirl]

I have the same or similar issues Brandi! I sometimes wonder if they don't remember when we were kids and how tough it was to divide their time between families and such! My brother and his wife live like five blocks away from my parents and my parents are always saying they CAN'T travel because that's what my brother does for his work! I say tough, I'm not travelling anymore! I'm staying home. I just don't get why family always has to make things tougher then what it should be! I wish you the best of luck figuring out what you guys are going to do. Maybe you should say you're staying home and that everyone should come to YOU for a change!! Good luck Hun!

[WebLady]

I briefly considered trying to get everyone on both sides to just come to our place, but I would be afraid my mother would embaress me somehow ... I would rather just keep the families separate.

I told DH what was going on and since FIL isn't coming to our house this year anway, we are thinking of just cancelling the dinner at our place and going to my mom and dad's.

But then my sister said she may not be able to be there either and one of my brothers has to work, so I don't know how that would work out either.

I don't think I will ever be able to make my mother happy. As much as I'd like to I don't want to put myself or my husband out to do so ... does that make me a bad person?

The other thing with having Thanksgiving with my mom is that she has this tradition of lighting her tree at the exact time of the Macy's Great Tree lighting on TV. She has done this since we were kids ... I don't want to take this from her, if it makes her happy then that is great. But I don't care to be a part of it, I'd rather go home and put up my own tree, my way.

My sister says I am making mom (and her somewhat too) think the family isn't that important to me. But that is not the case, my family is important to me, but so is my husbands family and our own little family. :whyme:

[WhiskeyGirl]

Ugg! How come family has to make everything so difficult hey? I mean there has to be some year that things change because you can't keep doing the same thing every year, making everyone happy but yourself! If it were me, I'd tell them this is the year it's going to change. Yes traditions are nice and all well and good but some day maybe shouldn't those traditions change?? I feel for you! My parents still think that we should travel eight hours for Christmas when they have not travelled once to come visit us. I'm sick of it too and ready for things to change like you!

[hummingbird521]

My mother for years and years always tried to placate her mother. She told me this recently. Her mother is now 103 years old and up until about 5 years ago everyone still went to her house. Mom had decided it was way past time to want her children with her on the holidays. So she just put her foot down and said it is at her house and if you want to come then fine, if not then that was fine as well. I guess what I am getting at is this: Tell your mom to decide which day she is having it and if you are available you will be there, if not then maybe next year. Same goes for the other side of the family as well. Maybe it is time you make them come to you. JMO

[SerendipityCrafts]

Tell your mom to decide which day she is having it and if you are available you will be there, if not then maybe next year. Same goes for the other side of the family as well. Maybe it is time you make them come to you. JMO[/COLOR]

You go girl! Those are my sentiments too but I figured I was biased because for years and years and years, I ended up at my ex-inlaws when all I really wanted to do was build some of our own family traditions.

I wonder too why parents have such short memories. Do they not remember how pulled they felt or did no one ever make demands on them or make them feel guilty for not saying yes to everything. Perhaps they didn't have to go trapsing from relative to relative to appease the whole lot.

[WhiskeyGirl]

I wonder too why parents have such short memories. Do they not remember how pulled they felt or did no one ever make demands on them or make them feel guilty for not saying yes to everything. Perhaps they didn't have to go trapsing from relative to relative to appease the whole lot.

I one hundred percent agree! My parents always used to complain about the holidays and yet they want to now do that to me now that I am grown and married! Sure I didn't mine travelling home for Christmas when I was single but now it's time things change! So this year, we'r staying home! I'm not going anywhere!!!!!!!!!

[BriansBride07]

I don't see you as a bad person just someone who is trying to make everyone happy and it is not working. So sorry your mom feels this way. Maybe you should just cancel everything and just stay home with the dogs and your DH. Best of luck to you.

[SaralovesMike]

I one hundred percent agree! My parents always used to complain about the holidays and yet they want to now do that to me now that I am grown and married! Sure I didn't mine travelling home for Christmas when I was single but now it's time things change!

I guess they forget how it was when they were young and trying to balance family gatherings on the holidays.
I kind of put my foot down this year and was suprised that my mom understood. She said if we wanted to spend Thanksgiving with FH's family that was fine with her. She also said she would like us to stop by at some point during the day but whatever we want to do is fine.
We are going there in the early afternoon b/c it is also my grandma's 83rd birthday and we don't want to miss it.

One year in the near future though we did decide that it is only gonna be us for Thanksgiving.

Remember you gotta make yourselves happy too!
Good luck with whatever you decide.

[hummingbird521]

My mother told me a while back that she spent years trying to make her mother happy when all along she had wanted to start her own traditions and have her own close intimate family there. She said she refused to do this to me and that she remembered what it was like. She said she new I wanted to do the same and start my own traditions this year with my new family. I love my mom dearly.

[WebLady]

Yeah I still don't know what to do :ooh: I think 'putting my foot down' will make it worse, mom already thinks I don't care.

I may write her an email and ask her what it would take to take her happy and she what she says.

[WebLady]

Ok, here is the email I sent to my mom (and Dad) ...

I have been thinking about Thanksgiving ever since we spoke the other day ... Mom, I know you said you weren't upset, but I got the feeling you are, and I sort of got the impression Dad was a little too.

I don't want either of you to feel like I am taking something from you or feel that you are somehow less important to me. I love my family, both sides of it, and I am feeling sort of torn, like someone (not necessarily you, so please don't take it like that) is expecting me to choose who is more important ... it is terrible stressing.

Did you guys have this problem when you were our age? Didn't you want to spend time with both sides of the family on the holidays?

I want to spend time with you and the rest of the family, but I also want to spend time with my husband's family as well as have our own thing. So I keep asking myself how I can do that without upsetting anyone?

I thought the 'eve' thing would work out, and I thought offering to cook most of the food would make things easier on you guys, but now it seems it is working so well. So what do we do? Apparently (my brothers) have to work that day (Wednesday), so they will miss out if we do it that day. So if DH and I come over there on Thursday will that make you guys happier? Would it make you feel better if we tried to do the 'eve' thing with the other side of the family?

But then what about everyone else? I hear that (my brothers) have to work both days, and then I hear that (my sister) is going to visit with *her boyfriend's) family on Thursday, so it seems someone will miss out either way.

I guess it is hard to work around the lives of so many people, I want to try though, I just don't know what to do. I wish I could make everyone happy, but I don't know how. It seems no matter what I suggest, someone is going to miss out and/or get their feelings hurt. So what do I do?

And once we figure out Thanksgiving, we need to do the same for Christmas ... will the Christmas eve at your place that we have done for years still work ok for you guys?

Please don't think I am mad, I am not .... I love you all and just want to have a pleasant holiday with all the people I love and care about.

So please let me know your thoughts.

Now I am worried how she will take it and how she will respond.

[SaralovesMike]

No, that's really good. I wouldn't think she would be upset by this but then again I'm not your mom. For all that counts you did a good job you were honest and right to the point. You even tried to come up with an alternative solution. Hopefully you guys can all come to a solution that will make everyone happy. Or at the very least satisfied.
Let us know how she takes it. Good luck!

[rainbowtreat]

Brandi you are not a bad person. And the e-mail sounded fine to me. You mom is very lucky to have you around to begin with. I wish I could make it home for one of the holidyas but I never seem to be able to. Rather the day before of the day of she should be happy your are there at all.

[WebLady]

My Dad responded and said he wasn't upset and he was fine with what I had suggested. He always says that he wants to see me, but more so wants to see me happy.

I have yet to hear from Mom and don't know if she saw the email or not (see doesn't always check her email regularly) and I don't know if I should call her about it or not.

[SerendipityCrafts]

Sounds perfectly fine with me. What I like most about your approach is that you are talking out loud.

It just drives me bonkers when my kids make their own plans and don't tell me what they are up to until the very last minute. I would love to receive a letter like that.

[BriansBride07]

Sounded great to me and not mean or anything. You only can do so much maybe give your mom another day or so and if she doesn't call you. Then maybe you should call her. Your dad didn't let her know that there may be an e-mail for her and maybe she should check it? best of luck to you I hope it all works out in the end.

[WebLady]

Yeah nothing from my mom yet, I don't know if Dad said anything to her, I doubt it. If I don't hear from her by tomorrow I will probably just call her.