family and guest list question

[LaceyinPgh]

Ok so here is the question and the story. I am wondering if I should invite my uncle's ex wife to the wedding.

My aunt and I were close growing up. Although she wasn't a biological aunt she treated me better than my real aunt and she also filled that cool big sister void during the teen years for me. She and my uncle were married fro about 12 years before they decided to go their seperate ways. I honestly beleieve he left her for another man but my mother and grandmother would die if they knew that. Not to mention that they live in a very conservative area where that type of lifestyle isn't tolerated. My uncle has since moved.

So during the wedding planning I have been thinking how nice it would have been to have my aunt around to keep the waters smooth between my mother and I. I also miss her although with the exception of when she brought their sons to the hospital after my uncle's emergency heart surgery I haven't seen or spoken to her since they divorced. You also have to take into account that she and my uncle are not on the best of terms but they stay civil because they ahve two sons. My grandmother hates her. (Not for anything that my aunt did, my grandmother made it her goal in life to make all of her daughters in law as miserable as possible because no one was good enough for her sons.) But my uncles hav eall already that none of them are coming ot my wedding because there is a dress code at my reception venue.

My mother says to do whatever. But, to be prepared for my unlce and grandmother to not show up. I am already prepared for my uncle to not show up. My dad says that I should do it because my aunt was always wonderful and good to me when I was little. She probably won't show but then again I won't ahve to be upset 10 years down the road that I didn't offer her the opportunity. (Beisdes my dad doesn't like my mother or her family all that well because of all the **** they are putting Sean and I through about the wedding. So this is hie little jab to them too I think.)

You ladies are wise and level headed, what should I do?

[WhiskeyGirl]

Well Lacey, I think you SHOULD invite your aunt. I was in a similar position, my grandmother hates my uncle's ex wife, blames her for the divorce that happened between my uncle and herself, though I think it was mutial. (My uncle has been dead for quite a while so I didn't have to worry about how he would feel.) I think that if you really want to, go for it, and if your grandma wants to act like a bag and not show up, I don't know Lacey.....I try to weed out ALL the negative people in my life...So I no longer talk to my aunt and don't really talk much to my grandma. I also think that you should invite her so that like you say, ten years down the road she may not even show up and your grandma....well just don't tell her! Have all the RSVPs come to you and don't tell your grandma if she says yes. If your grandma has a problem with it, so be it! But I would definately call her on it and tell her to grow the hell up! (I can't stand it when people are so immature!!) Anyhow, gotta tell it like it is! Invite your aunt and tell off your Grandma!! Don't let anyone tell you how to plan your wedding, you'll regret it in the end and believe you/me I know how that feels!! Best Of Luck!

~CanadianBride~

[sstark1218]

I would invite her. One of the biggest things I keep in my head is 'NO REGRETS' Good luck with your decision!

[SueMartin]

sweetie.. invite her.. shou sounds like she was really good to you.. and we should encourage good people in our lives.

[CarlosHoney]

Invite her, and if there is a problem, just have a couple of big guys that you or your FI are friends with act as bouncers. Have them just keep an eye out, and if anyone starts acting the fool, there's the door..

And, I don't know if I'm just delerious and tired, but here's the logic pattern my brain couldn't work out:

Grandma thinks that no one is good enough for her sons --->
Uncle in quesion is questionably gay --->
None of the uncles want to come because of dress code, including said uncle --->
Most, if not all, gay men that I know *love* to dress up --->
$@&*!%^$@&%!!!!!!!

I can't compute.. If it seems irrational, nevermind.. I'm just on my own little tangent right now.

[LaceyinPgh]

Invite her, and if there is a problem, just have a couple of big guys that you or your FI are friends with act as bouncers. Have them just keep an eye out, and if anyone starts acting the fool, there's the door..

And, I don't know if I'm just delerious and tired, but here's the logic pattern my brain couldn't work out:

Grandma thinks that no one is good enough for her sons --->
Uncle in quesion is questionably gay --->
None of the uncles want to come because of dress code, including said uncle --->
Most, if not all, gay men that I know *love* to dress up --->
$@&*!%^$@&%!!!!!!!

I can't compute.. If it seems irrational, nevermind.. I'm just on my own little tangent right now.

The uncle in question is far from the hip metrosexual gay. We are talking West Virignia here. :wink: I kind of hope that he comes to the wedding because I have several friends that I would like him to meet. If you are going to go to bat for the other team, you might as well get yourself some fabulous teammates!

Of all of my mother's 3 brothers, he is the one that woul dbe most likely to show up. But since his divorce and all he has really changed, so I don't know.

[CarlosHoney]

Ah! Alright. The store manager where I work is a star hitter for his team, and I asked him what other than a tux looks nice. He looked at me, raised an eyebrow, and said 'Girl, if he's getting married, it **** well *better* be in a tux. Nothing else cuts it.' Then advised me on what kind and that wool blends breathe better.

I'm not used to any other kind! My mom is a lesbian, and it's funny, becasue she's not the stereotypical lesbian either. But, yeah, if you really want him there, call him and ask him personally. And the other thing I didn't get, is if all of your unces are the best men on the planet in your grandmother's eyes, how can they skip out on their neice's wedding JUST because they have to wear a jacket and tie?!

[bnd94]

Lacey, that is too bad your uncles won't come all because of a dress code. I hope they change their minds, but if they don't it's their loss. Also I would invite your aunt. It is your day so if your grandmother is so closed minded she won't come because of it then oh well. I know it would suck if she didn't come but she needs to realize it is your day you should be able to invite anyone you want and not have people acting like children because they don't want THAT person there. I hope everything works out for you!

[wedbyjean]

It's your wedding, not grandma's or anyone elses (except FH, of course), so go ahead and invite your aunt.

be prepared for my unlce and grandmother to not show upUnless they're paying, it's none of their business who you invite.

[As You Wish]

There is a delicate balance between being gracious and giving into bullies. There is also a delicate balance between having your wedding your way and being a bridzilla.

If your dress code is reasonable for your social, financial, and family situation don’t give in. On the other hand, if you are expecting people who don’t know how to tie a tie to wear a tux, you may be asking to much.

Are those who are threatening not to come being asked to celebrate with people who wronged them or are they throwing a tantrum?

[LaceyinPgh]

If your dress code is reasonable for your social, financial, and family situation don’t give in. On the other hand, if you are expecting people who don’t know how to tie a tie to wear a tux, you may be asking to much.

Are those who are threatening not to come being asked to celebrate with people who wronged them or are they throwing a tantrum?

My dress code is jacket required. I didn't set it, my venue did. And as for not coming, it doesn't matter the reason. It is my wedding. My aunt didn't do anything to anyone except be sweet and kind and put up with a lot of BS from her mother in law that she should have put her foot down to long before she actually did. My grandmother is avery selfish woman who has to be the center of attention at all times. She also is incredibly passive aggressive. If she can't have a tantrum about this, she will find something else.

I apologize if that comes across sounding snappish, it wasn't meant to.

[LaceyinPgh]

And the other thing I didn't get, is if all of your unces are the best men on the planet in your grandmother's eyes, how can they skip out on their neice's wedding JUST because they have to wear a jacket and tie?!

They can skip out because I am a horrible spoiled brat that is purposefully trying to show off and that thinks that I am better than everyone else. Accoridng to my grandmother I am the one at fault for "trying to be all fancy like they are up there in Pittsburgh" which brings about the question, "Have you ever been to freakin' Pittsburgh?" I can go without them there. That is because I am purposefully making them be something that they aren't for one evening. (I don't understand the thought process either. That is just how my mom explained it. She has dealt with her mother far longer than I have so I just go with what mom says.)

[CarlosHoney]

Sucky family members suck. I think that's a unanimous vote.

Right?

Right!!

[WhiskeyGirl]

I agree family members suck!! I know that a lot of my mom's family threatened to not come because they thought our wedding was too fancy for them, only a few didn't come and they missed out on a great party! So if they don't come, thats tough for them and like I said, THEY will miss out!!

~CanadianBride~

[CarlosHoney]

I mean, aren't weddings *supposed* to be fancy? I mean, sorry that bermuda shorts and baseball jersies aren't appropriate attire. I don't think that a nice shirt and a jacket is too much to ask. Anyone over the age of 16 should have something appropriate in their closet.

[LaceyinPgh]

Ladies, I have come to the conclusion that I cannot control people. I tried to learn that Vulcan mind meld thing from Star Trak but I just can't get it. I guess I am just destined to never have minons. If they don't want to come, than they aren't going to be there. I am sorry if I offended them or hurt anyone's feelings in the process, but I really don't care. If they need to be that uptight, whinny, and unhappy for me than their isn't squat I can do about it! This is my wedding. It is my day. I am not worrying about 4 people who don't want to be there when in fact I have 250 more who do want to be there!

[bnd94]

Good for you Lacey!! Someone replied that anyone over 16 would have something appropriate to wear in their closet, my FH doesn't have any suit jackets at all in our closet but we would go out and buy one just to go to a wedding for a family member or close friend where it is required. That is not too much to ask or trying to make someone be something they're not. Why do some grown ups simply refuse to grow up and act their age!!

I don't think that is too fancy either. I have heard of weddings where all the guys had to wear tuxes. Now I think that may be a little too much to ask.

[CindySue]

Way to go Lacey!!!! I honestly believe that there always has to be at least one person that will have to try to ruin whatever celebration they are invited to. I have a few in mine too.

[CarlosHoney]

Good! My mom used to tell my brothers and I that 'If you only worry about yourself, then you won't be worried about what anyone else is doing/saying/thinking, and there will be no fight.'

I'm glad to know that you got it figured out. Honestly, with some people, the harder you try to please them, the harder they will try to make things difficult.

[CindySue]

Ive noticed that too. I finally quit trying to make anyone but myself and my FH happy. Everyone is happy for us, but EVERYONE has an opinion about our wedding. Ive gotten flak on everything from where to when. Some dont like the idea we are having it in the evening so they want us to have it earlier in the day. Some dont think we should wait till May because we are living together so they want us to go ahead and get married now. Im 32 and hes 38 and some of these people act like we just got out of high school.
It is VERY frustrating at times.

[LaceyinPgh]

I must be crazy. That is all I can say. I obviosuly have some horrible thing that makes me hallucinate entire converstaions. My mother found out how truly upset I am about her brothers not coming ot the wedding. After thinking about it and realizing that their reason was totally out of line, she was pretty upset too. So she calls my grandmother to get the original story from her. Well my grandmother has no idea what mom is talking about. Her son's would never miss their neice's wedding. Why was my mother so upset over nothing! WTF?! I know I am not so crazy that I pretend to have full on conversations.

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't deal with this. If I have to have hallucinations I would prefer they not be about conversations with my grandmother but rather about Hugh Grant and a tub of chocolate sauce.

[CindySue]

Dont feel bad, Lacey. I apparently have the same affliction, at least where my mother is concerned. We are not talking because of some VERY ugly things that she said to me in front of my children, but she doesnt understand why I dont want to talk to her. My little sister isnt talking to her for a similar reason and now our grandmother wants to know why we have turned our back on our mother.
Hugh Grant and chocolate sauce?.....nice combo. Mine would have to be Kenny Chesney and whipped cream.

[CarlosHoney]

Wow. I've been accused of that, too. Maybe crazy runs in the family?? :lol:

[CindySue]

As if planning our weddings werent stressful enough. Keep your head up Lacey, try not to let it get you down too much.

[lenor_1]

I say invite your aunt who cares what anyone has to say. As far as a dress code im from Hollywood and I wanted everything to be upscale and super Glamourus so I told everyone that the venue as a strick dress code. I have family members who said that they could not go and other that said that they will buy a suite. Top those who wouldnt Im not upset thats their loss if my drag queen freinds can wear a suit or wear a great dress so should my family. But hey its Hollywood were a bit strange out here.

[rainbowtreat]

I say invite your aunt. As every one has said this is your day.

I have to say my family is not like this at all. They will be there no matter where or when the wedding is. And they will help out in any way they can. ( most of them )My first wedding my favortie Aunt didn't come because it ws too far awy for her and she thought I should have gotten marreid back home. And neither of my cousins came that i grew up with. One said she was closing on her house. Ok I would have loved to have them there but you know, I had so many who made a great effort. My aunt and uncle ( also my godparents) and my grandmother traveled down. And I had family and freinds from 3 different states. It didnt bother me at all that the aunt and 2 cousins i grew up with didnt come.

Also I have a lesbian friend who lives in Austraila. I have asked her to be in my wedding and she is putting on a dress for me to be one of my brides maid. And she has made sure she has her vacation ( holidays as they call them ) all set to be here atleast a week bfore and a week after. She is goign to help my mom and sister watch my kids while we are gone on the honeymoon.


So if you ask me, if they love you and wnat to share your special day with you they will do what it takes to be there.

I have another friend coming from Ohio. and my wedding isn't even here where I live in NH. It is 7 hours futher north in the city I grew up in in Maine.

So just plan it how you want it and as i said if they love you they will be there.

Rainbowtreat

[allydawn0040]

I agree with everyone else here: invite your aunt if you want to. Your Grandma should understand that it is your celebration and you entitled to invite people who are close to YOU. If Grandma is not ok with that then she can decide if she wants to come or not. I don't think it is right for Grandma to try to get you to chose which person will be invited or which will not. As far as your Uncle's, again they have to decide for themselves. Nothing you can do - except change venues - will get them to come if they don't want and on the same token nothing will stop them if they do want to come. I am so sorry that you have to go through this! Blessings, allydawn0040