Shower drama

[LaceyinPgh]

I talked with my FMIL today. Since Sean's family lives an hour away from where my mother was planning on hosting my bridal shower, my FMIL and FSILs asked it if would be all right if they hosted a smaller shower in their hometown since they have several elderly relatives that would not want to travel all that way. (A hour ot old people must really be a long time, but whatever). Anyway I thought that this was very nice and thoughtful. So now I get to have 2 showers instead of one. My FMIL said that she and her daughters will of course still attend the shower that my mother is hosting and will invited mom and the rest of my wedding party and any of my friends that live in my new hometown as well.

So when talking to my mom about this I was surprised to hear that she is upset. First of all, she doesn't want to drive 90 minutes to "that woman's country club with those fake people". My mother hates FMIL. Granted the FMIL and I have had our differences but we hae gotten over them. No one sees eye to eye 100% of the time. SHe also thinks that FMIL is doing it to "steal her thunder and show off" I keep trying to explain that the only people that will be at both are the wedding parties and mothers. But my mother is now sulking because one shower should be good enough. If they don't care enough to drive than they shouldn't be there anyway. This from a woman who will have none of her siblings present at my wedding because the dress code of the dinner club stipulates no jeans or athletic shoes.

I don't know how to make her see that they are doing this because they are nice and thoughtful people. I can't wait to have to tell her that my stepmom is planning a small shower for me with her and my dad's family too. That will really set her off.

[CarlosHoney]

It stinks that they're being like that. I prefer to have one shower, but if that's not how it will work, it's cool! My FH's Family is throwing me a Baby Shower, and the girls at work want to have one for me at the store after closing. I think it's fine.

Really, you should talk to your mom. My mom can get all uppity sometimes, so maybe that's all it is. She thinks that they should drive to the shower that is being hosted in your town. I agree with her, that it's a little inconsiderate not to want to drive an hour, but if your FIL's want to have a shower for you, hey man, the more the merrier.

Mom just has to realise that this is your Family now, and that it will only make things worse for her to act like this. She should just show up, smile, say her hellos and thank yous, and be over with it. I hope that she can see the bigger picture, and not just the 'I don't want to be in the car for an hour' small stuff..

Good luck!

[LaceyinPgh]

My mother won't drive the 35 minutes from her front door to mine because I moved too far away. I can count the times on one hand that she has been to my home. And that is only after I went, picked her up, drove her here, and then took her home. No one else in her family has ever been here. So she can't say a word that an hour isn't that far.

It isn't that she is upset about the drive time. She thinks that my FMIL is trying to steal her day, which couldn't be further from the truth. FMIL is just trying to make it easier on some elderly relatives. My mother is an absolute pain in the butt control freak who HATES my FMIL. I have no idea who said or did what to whom but FMIL is always nice to mom when I am around. It is just insanity.

[CarlosHoney]

Steal her day?? She needs to suck it up and realise that it is not about her.

My mom would have been upset about the drive, not the extra shower.. I'm sorry about you having to go through this. It's pretty ridiculous for her to act like that!

[LaceyinPgh]

Thanks for listening. After 26 years of Captain Insaneo (mom's super pain in the butt alter ego) I am used to it. It just blows my mind that she can act that way sometimes. My mother has never had a mother in law (out of 4) that she could tolerate. So, automiatically I am supposed to hate mine too. Well, I don't. We don't agree 100% of the time but who does? my moyher also believes that if you like your mother in law you must have lost love for your mother, which couldn't be further from the truth. I view my FMIL as a great friend wh can offer goo dadvice. She also happens to have rasied my fiance into the wonderful man that he is today.

My mother is also completely hell bent on being totally involved with every aspect of my wedding down to bra shopping and ribbon decisions. My grandmother is the most anti wedding, you are throwing your life away, and going to to miserable forever because no man in the history of the world is any good. So when my mom had her big wedding, my grandmother wouldn't even go dress shopping with her. So she has to prove that she is a better mother by making me insane I guess.

[CarlosHoney]

That sure sucks! My mom is really glad that Carlo's mom is a sweet lady. She hasn't met her, and I don't know if they would get along, but my mom is a little more practical than most. She doesn't care about weddings, and really thinks that we should just go down to the JOP. I told her that I don't want that, she kind of shrugs it off and says 'Alright, it's your wedding, do what you want!'

My plan is to get everything planned before they have a chance to butt in. His mom would be the one more inclined to want something her way, or want her opinion listened to. My mom and her Ex-MIL get along great, so I'm pretty lucky that my mom isn't like that.. It's funny, my Dad has had more input and 'but if you do it this way' than anyone in both our families.

I hope your mom can get a kick of reality to the head before it's too late.. That or just slip her a mickey. Is she acting like she won't go to the FMIL hosted shower? Or is she a person who talks a lot of **** behind someone's back, but is all sweet to their face?

[LaceyinPgh]

My mother will just not go. She will sit at home and play the passive aggressive card. And somehow she will make me feel so guilty in doing so that every time I use the towels that some gave me there I feel bad.

If she does go, she will just sit there and pout and look down her nose to everyone. Then on the way home she will shred them all like we were just at the prom of something.

I am actually going to see about combining my FMIL and stepmother's showers into one just to make it easier on me. That way mom won't go to FMIL's. But that could backfire too...."Why is Missy and her family worthy of those people and I'm not?"

It is all just more drama than it has to be. My mother is smart and talented and gorgeous. But my grandmother and several a$$hole husbands tortured her so much that she has all these "people think they are better than me because...." issues.

How is that baby coming along? When is your due date again?

[CarlosHoney]

Read my new post!! I'm due Jan 7!

[CindySue]

I hate that youre going through this Lacey. My FH and I are trying to make concessions for eldery family members while we are planning.
My mom is the same way about driving. My little sister lives in Louisiana and it takes her 6 hours to drive to East Texas. She has 4 kids and 3 of those are under 4. When she gets in town she just wants to relax, let the kids relax and wind down. My mother will throw a fit because my sister wont just drop every thing and come visit my mother when my mother decideds she wants to be visited. This is one on the reason my my sister isnt talking to mom either. My mom makes my sister feel guilty for being tired.

[bnd94]

Boy I am happy I am not having any shower or parties before the wedding! :D

[LaceyinPgh]

I am really looking forward to my shower(s). My mother is going to get over the fact that there are two of them. It isn't like we have duplicate guests list or anything like that. If she wants to whine about it or complain she needs to find someone who cares. I love my mother more than anything but she can rather selfish at times especially when it comes to me.

I personally am loving the idea that with two showers plus my birthday I will get three days devoted all to me that include presents that I love AND cake. Mmmm cake.....

[CindySue]

Good for you Lacey......eat some cake for me.
I have a question. What is the etiquette on having a shower for a remarriage? I didnt have all this stuff before. We just decided to get married and went off and done it. Ive had a couple of people ask about bridal showers, but I dont think its proper for me to have one. What do yall think?

[CarlosHoney]

Anything goes these days. It's less traditional, but you could make it a Couples Shower and do a fun theme. For instance, Carlo is a musician and I'm an artist. You could resister at an art store and a music store. Srt supplies are EXPENSIVE so this is what I actually might do.

Do something that you're into, just make it more of a party than a 'shower'.

[LaceyinPgh]

Good for you Lacey......eat some cake for me.
I have a question. What is the etiquette on having a shower for a remarriage? I didnt have all this stuff before. We just decided to get married and went off and done it. Ive had a couple of people ask about bridal showers, but I dont think its proper for me to have one. What do yall think?

Traditionalist will say that a shower for a second wedding is a big no no. But, since you didn't have one before, I don't see what the big deal is. You might not want to make it as big of an affair. Keep it relaxed a low key. I like the idea of a couple's shower or even a theme shower. Those could be a fun way to just hang out with friends. I would have no problem if one of my divorced friends had a shower before she got remarried.

What I did have a problem with was my cousin. In 18 months she has 2 baby showers for her first and second baby. The second shower was because she thought her second baby was a girl and wanted girly things since her first baby was boy. (It turns out they misread the ultra sound and she had a second boy) On top of that she had a bridal shower and a wedding. I never recieved a thank you note from the gift I sent to the first baby shower. I didn't attend the bridal shower because I was out of town that weekend. I gave a very expensive gift for the wedding. My thank you was worded, "Dear Lace (Sean's name was excluded)- Thanks for the kitchen stuff. S&Z" After that I didn't attend the second baby shower. I haven't heard a word from her since. Not a Christmas card, phone call, or email. She doesn't speak to anyone on this side of the family who didn't go to her second shower.

[CarlosHoney]

Wow. That's not very nice! I wouldn't dream of sending a thank you like that, especially after having so many showers. We aren't really planning on a shower. I was going to register just in case anyone wants to get us something and wants to know what we want (I just like knowing what people want, I hate guessing if it matches, etc.) but, a shower seems a little silly since we've been living together for 2 1/2 years. I don't see anything wrong with it, though. I've read that it's a no-no, too, but whatever. It's the 21st century. People need to get over it!

[SueMartin]

Lacey.. enjoy all of it... and your mum will come around .. or she wont.. dont stress over it.. I like Jack & Jill showers.. I suppose you call them couple showers.. its nice to do things together.. but girly showers are fun too...