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View Full Version : Is there a reason groom's mom should be included in wedding planning

idesofmarch
10-12-2006, 05:48 PM
My FH's mom and I don't get on. My parents are paying for the wedding, it is being held at my aunt's farm/orchard. Therefore, with those three things in mind, but most especially because of her hostility toward me, I don't think that I have to include her in the wedding plans. I read all these articles about giving FMILs "jobs" to make them feel included and wanted, asking her advice and opinions even if you don't need it, taking time out to have a girl's day, getting to know her, etc. I don't see the sense in it. I am not going to give her any jobs-my mom and I are planning the wedding, we have all the "jobs" taken care of, I am not going to ask FMIL's advice-I don't need it or want it and I am not going to be dishonest and act like I do and I sure as hell am not going to spend a girl's day with her. That is why I have a mom and friends for, to do that stuff with them. I don't get where these people are coming from with these ideas.
LizabethDavis
10-12-2006, 05:51 PM
I'm not sure what kind of an answer you are looking for. You obviously don't want to include her in on the planning.

I think it is a good idea. I understand that you don't get on with her, but if you are going to be married to her son for the rest of your life, you may want to consider trying to get on with her.

However, it is obviously up to you in the end. Good luck.
WebLady
10-12-2006, 05:54 PM
... I don't get where these people are coming from with these ideas.
I think it is for the people that want to have some sort of relationship with the MIL ... to try and make nice for the sake of the family.

But you seem to have some hostility towards your FMIL and obviously do not care to have any relationship with her. So do what you feel is best for you and your family and your marriage.

I am sorry for whatever your FMIL has done to you and I hope you and your FH's relationship/wedding isn't affected by the actions of his mother.

Best wishes to you!
cowboysbride
10-12-2006, 05:54 PM
How does FH feel about you not including FMIL? I understand where you're coming from, don't get me wrong....but you are marrying her son and like it or not she will be a part of your life...(or so I assume).
idesofmarch
10-12-2006, 05:55 PM
I just want to know why people think it is important. Traditionally MOGs shut and wear beige. I see nothing wrong with that
WebLady
10-12-2006, 05:57 PM
I just want to know why people think it is important ...
Some people think family is important and want to do what they can to make the best of it and try to get along. Sometimes that is hard and sometimes it isn't possible at all.

... Traditionally MOGs shut and wear beige. I see nothing wrong with that
Is this an issue of your FMIL wanting to wear a certain color you are not happy with or having her involved at all?
cowboysbride
10-12-2006, 06:00 PM
Normally it's important because you love her and want to make her a part of your life since you're marrying her son...not getting along with her is already putting a rock in your path of marital bliss....I wish you the best...:frogg:
idesofmarch
10-12-2006, 06:00 PM
HAving her involved. I have told her that she is free to wear what makes her comfortable and feel beautiful. I have showed her a pic of my mom's gown and asked her to coordinate with that.

I don't love FMIL. I am courteous, respectful. and tolerate her for my FH's sake.
WebLady
10-12-2006, 06:07 PM
HAving her involved. I have told her that she is free to wear what makes her comfortable and feel beautiful. I have showed her a pic of my mom's gown and asked her to coordinate with that.

I don't love FMIL. I am courteous, respectful. and tolerate her for my FH's sake.
Well if I were you I would just have your FH tell her that you and he would like the mothers to coordinate at the wedding. If she doesn't wear what you would like then you can huff about it later, but don't let it ruin your day.

As for her being involved, no she doesn't have to be part of the planning. But she is probably excited about her son getting married just as I'm sure your mom is about you. I don't know why you two don't get along, but if your FH gets along with his mother then you are likely to have to deal with her at the wedding and at family functions. This is why many people try to make nice. But if you are will to hold on to whatever resentment you have towards her (and maybe vise versa) then that is something the you and her and your FH are going to have to deal with.

Wishing you the best.
LizabethDavis
10-12-2006, 06:08 PM
Okay. Does she even want to be involved? Because if she doesn't, then I don't see an issue here. If she does, then that is obviously another story.

Honestly, I don't think that the MOG's traditional role is to wear beige and shut it. This is really your call I think, but I still think it would be a good idea to at least try and get on with your FMIL.
hummingbird521
10-12-2006, 06:09 PM
Well if I were you I would just have your FH tell her that you and he would like the mothers to coordinate at the wedding. If she doesn't wear what you would like then you can huff about it later, but don't let it ruin your day.

As for her being involved, no she doesn't have to be part of the planning. But she is probably excited about her son getting married just as I'm sure your mom is about you. I don't know why you two don't get along, but if your FH gets along with his mother then you are likely to have to deal with her at the wedding and at family functions. This is why many people try to make nice. But if you are will to hold on to whatever resentment you have towards her (and maybe vise versa) then that is something the you and her and your FH are going to have to deal with.

Wishing you the best.

very good advice given here.
MOB Karen
10-12-2006, 06:11 PM
I think some people were trying to give advice on how to get along with their FMIL. If you don't want to take that advice, that's fine. But I think it was great advice. Usually a person wants to try to get along with their FMIL, especially for the sake of their FH. It's your choice though. Good luck with it! :)
SerendipityCrafts
10-12-2006, 07:21 PM
I don't love FMIL. I am courteous, respectful. and tolerate her for my FH's sake.

Of course, we don't know this woman nor how badly she treats you but perhaps if you make the first positive move ... ie you do onto her as you would have her do onto you ..... things may improve in your relationship.

Keep one thing in mind .... if your FH has a relationship with his mother then you will always have one too - like it or not. If the two of you continue to bicker, then FH will continue to be caught in the middle and eventually, it WILL affect your marriage.
BriansBride07
10-12-2006, 07:53 PM
I think that maybe you should be the bigger woman and try and make it work with your FMIL. Just for the simple fact that you are going to be marrying her son and who knows maybe someday you will have children together, and there is nothing worse than your children not being able to see there grandparents over scabbles that happened before they were even born.
Panthers Bride
10-12-2006, 08:58 PM
To answer your question. There is no fast and set rule on how much the FMIL has to be involved. It just all depends on the family dynamics, circumstances and desires. I know my FMIL will be very much involved: 1) my family (live 1200 miles away) and close girlfriends(in Nebraska, Tennessee & California - I live in NC) are scattered all over and none of them are nearby, FSILs and FMIL are going to be involved if they want to. 2)I'm going to be moving in with FMIL to help me and her financially (she's very religious and it would greatly upset her for FH and I to live together, and to me it doesn't make sense to rock the boat on something so senseless).

For you I'd say do whatever makes your life & FH's lives easier without causing too much family drama.
idesofmarch
10-13-2006, 02:01 PM
When I made mention of shutting up and wearing beige, that is tradtionally what MOGs do. My FH has 2 sisters, both of whom are married and FMIL helped plan their wedding. It is my mom's turn now. Simple as that.
WebLady
10-13-2006, 02:43 PM
When I made mention of shutting up and wearing beige, that is tradtionally what MOGs do.
I don't think that I've ever heard of this tradition

... My FH has 2 sisters, both of whom are married and FMIL helped plan their wedding. It is my mom's turn now. Simple as that.You obviously have some sort of resentment towards your FH's mother and don't want her involved in planning the wedding. There is no rule or tradition that says she necessarily has to be part of the planning. But to just expect her to 'shut up' and do what she is told is sort of mean IMO. Her son is getting married, which is a big day to her just as I'm sure it is a big day to your mom.

This women is going to be part of your life in that she is part of your FH's life (I'm only assuming they still speak or this really wouldn't be much of an issue) But I guess you are ok with whatever bitterness you have towards her for whatever she has done to you and don't care to 'make nice' with her (which is your choice) So I really don't know what you expected to get from your post, or why you bothered to post about it at all.

You seem to be set in your feelings about your FMIL, so there is nothing further for any of us to say here as it seems we'd just be wasting our time.

Wishing you all the best in whatever you do.
SerendipityCrafts
10-13-2006, 02:46 PM
You seem to be set in your feelings about your FMIL, so there is nothing further for any of us to say here as it seems we'd just be wasting our time.

Wishing you all the best in whatever you do.

You took the words right out of my mouth Brandi. It was a waste of time to even take the time to respond in the first place. Hmmmm well maybe someone else, somewhere else will reap something from this thread LOL
idesofmarch
10-13-2006, 03:10 PM
My bitterness stems from the fact that after she met me and keep in mind during our first meeting we seemed to hit it off really well-we are both huge Lost fans-she told my FH that he could do better and should go back to his ex.
WebLady
10-13-2006, 03:19 PM
My bitterness stems from the fact that after she met me and keep in mind during our first meeting we seemed to hit it off really well-we are both huge Lost fans-she told my FH that he could do better and should go back to his ex.
That is sad that she would do that, and I'd be upset too. But I would try to make nice for the sake of less drama in my life, but that is just me.

I don't think I'd want to know something like that or tell my DH if my mother said something like that about him. That would be something I'd keep to myself and I'd tell my mother straight what I felt about it. I hope your FH stood up for you to his mother.

Anyway, I don't know what else to say on this topic. I hope you all can get past your issues. Wishing you the best.
Kacie_bride
10-13-2006, 04:25 PM
I guess I'll add my two cents! I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I would like to see all families mesh well, but unfortantely that does not always happen.

Maybe you could find her a simple thing to do. I like my FMIL, but our styles clash big time. One thing she is having total control over is the groom's cake table. She can decorate that any way she wants and it will not bother me at all. It makes her feel good to have a "job" and it is not going to step on my toes so to say.

Like the other ladies said, there is no set rule about mother in laws planning. It will make your life and your marriage easier if you two can try to mend the fences and at least be tolerant of each other. Good luck.
idesofmarch
10-13-2006, 05:10 PM
I guess I don't see why I have to include her. For me, she should just be happy with being there.
WebLady
10-13-2006, 05:47 PM
I guess I don't see why I have to include her. For me, she should just be happy with being there.
I feel like we are all saying the same things and getting nowhere ... You don't 'have' to include your FMIL in any part of your wedding. But you are not going to make things easy for yourself or your FH if you can't get past the negative feelings you and his mother have for each other.

But if you don't care to make any changes where this matter is concerned, then that is your choice and we all wish you the best. But if you have no intention of even considering other opinions on this then why did you come here and bring this up?
SerendipityCrafts
10-13-2006, 05:57 PM
I guess I don't see why I have to include her. For me, she should just be happy with being there.

I suppose she should be also be grateful to even be invited to the wedding & honoured that you agreed to marry her son.
idesofmarch
10-16-2006, 09:54 PM
I never said that, I just said that I don't see a reason for her to be involved, especially since she has treated me horribly.
BriansBride07
10-17-2006, 08:31 AM
I never said that, I just said that I don't see a reason for her to be involved, especially since she has treated me horribly.

I think that maybe all of the help that the ladies are trying to offer her are going on deaf ears and maybe we should just stop responding to this thread. Its just going in circles and going back to the same ? no matter how many times she gets the ans to her ?