HELP! Bride is very selfish step daughter!

[stepmominaz]

Hello everyone! I have a huge problem on my hands and not sure where to turn....

My husband’s daughter announced that she is getting married in 2 MONTHS and expects us (him) to pay for everything – including bridesmaids dresses! The bride is not extremely close to her Dad or I, and even posted on her webpage that her dad was a “bad dad” and that he was only good for money.

My husband and his ex wife do not get along and had a very nasty divorce several years ago, so no matter what, it is going to be an uncomfortable situation. To make things worse, a few years ago my husband’s ex had a stroke and has never completely recovered (mentally).

Somehow because my husband and I are financially stable and his ex’s family “can’t afford” things, we are put in a very tough situation by being asked to pay for everything.

All of the sudden (after no contact with her for several months) Dad is ok and I might not be the monster that she believes I am. HELP!!! What should we pay for and should her Mother be expected to contribute??

Thanks

Ps. Sorry my actual question was so long, but the history has a lot to do with our struggles.

[BriansBride07]

I think that you all need to sit down and have a talk maybe if she wants her father to pay for everything then she can post pone the wedding for awhile. Not really sure why she would want her Dad to pay for things if they don't have a good relationship? Sounds to me like she is being a bit selfish.
If she doesn't want to postpone the wedding then maybe her father should not contribute so much to the wedding. Actually tradition is the mother and father of the bride pays for the majority of the wedding (if they have the $ to do this)

[Kacie_bride]

It sounds as if she may just be coming to your husband for the money. If she actually posted that on her wedding website I think your husband should decline to pay for the wedding. If you and your husband do contribute I would set a certain amount and not go a penny over it. Many couples today are paying for the entire wedding my themselves. She can figure out how to do this.

[SerendipityCrafts]

Is Mom putting her up to this - ie asking her to pressure Dad for the $$$$$$?

The reason I ask is that last evening I was talking with a woman who told us that her girls don't want to see their father because he has little or no contact with them since he left their mother. Apparently, one of the girls (16) wants to change her last name because she doesn't want any part of her father. Now if that isn't sad enough .... this is what Mom said to her. "Wait until you are 18 dear and you don't need his name any longer. Until then, just keep sucking up to him, getting everything you can out of him and milking him for all he's worth!"

My jaw fell to the ground and I still cannot believe what I heard. This woman was not at all embarassed to tell me this story. No matter how much I dislike my ex, I wouldn't ever coach my kids to use him to get stuff.

Me? I would discuss it with your husband and see if you can afford to contribute to the wedding and if so, come up with a number. Present the number to your step daughter and explain to her that this is all there is. If she wants more, then she will have to get a second job, or lower her expectations, or delay the wedding to save up for it herself, or find some other family members to contribute to the day!

[stepmominaz]

Thanks for the suggestions ladies, but getting everyone to sit down and discuss things is out of the question with this family! We did give her a limit of $2500 and apparently that's not good enough. (By the way, we have 6 kids and we've chosen to give the same amount to all six when the time comes.) My husband and I have a very large park like back yard and she's decided that both the ceremony and reception are going to be at our house. The set up, take down and having 80 people at our house is going to be VERY inconvenient and stressful for us and even more so when it's all being done for someone who isn't grateful or choses to stand back and let everyone else figure the tough things out! I'm very frustrated and about ready to just give her a check and tell her to do it all herself including find a new place to hold it! Am I that evil step mom, after all???

[Kacie_bride]

Thanks for the suggestions ladies, but getting everyone to sit down and discuss things is out of the question with this family! We did give her a limit of $2500 and apparently that's not good enough. (By the way, we have 6 kids and we've chosen to give the same amount to all six when the time comes.) My husband and I have a very large park like back yard and she's decided that both the ceremony and reception are going to be at our house. The set up, take down and having 80 people at our house is going to be VERY inconvenient and stressful for us and even more so when it's all being done for someone who isn't grateful or choses to stand back and let everyone else figure the tough things out! I'm very frustrated and about ready to just give her a check and tell her to do it all herself including find a new place to hold it! Am I that evil step mom, after all???

No, you do not sound like you are an evil step mom. I think she should be more than happy with $2500. That is more than many, many people get.

[BriansBride07]

I don't think that you are being the evil stepmom at all. BOy this girl really needs a slap for some reality. Maybe you and her Dad need to just cut all ties it sounds like she is starting to take advantage of the both of you and when she sucks the life and $ from you she will be gone again for who knows how long.

[stepmominaz]

Serendipity Crafts - Yes, we do believe that her mother (and her mother's family) are behind some of this. The "we're gonna make him pay" scenario. It really is a similar situation to what you described. The 3 kids from my husband's first marriage, all of which lived or currently live with us have been coached for many years on how Mom's family is the only one that counts - that is until it comes to wanting/needing something. I have 3 children also and thier father and I at least can get along when it comes to the kids. It's is very frustrating and to know this is the 1st of 6 weddings we'll have!

[SerendipityCrafts]

Serendipity Crafts - Yes, we do believe that her mother (and her mother's family) are behind some of this. The "we're gonna make him pay" scenario. It really is a similar situation to what you described. The 3 kids from my husband's first marriage, all of which lived or currently live with us have been coached for many years on how Mom's family is the only one that counts - that is until it comes to wanting/needing something. I have 3 children also and thier father and I at least can get along when it comes to the kids. It's is very frustrating and to know this is the 1st of 6 weddings we'll have!

You are right to play it fair with all 6 kids. Best that your husband and you tell her together so that you present a united front and so that she won't start trying to play him (at least while you are around).

With that said just keep up with inflation LOL

I am one youngest of 5 kids and my mother has bent over backwards to be fair ... all of us were given $500 as a wedding gift, the grandchildren are given $25 on their birthdays, the sons/daughters/son in laws/daughter in laws are all given $35 on their birthdays ......... BUT you have to remember that $25 went a heck of a lot farther when she gave it to the first grandson in 1975 than it does for my son (the 11th grandchild) in 2006 LOL

[70707Bride]

Honestly, I think its rude to "expect" your parents to pay for everything. And 2 months? You may have money but that's cutting it close! Also, its the BM's job to pay for their own dresses.

[stepmominaz]

Frist of all, I like your wedding date! My husband and I tried to do 4/4/04, but because it fell on Palm Sunday and I am Catholic (no weddings performed during lent), we had to change it to 4/3/04.

Thanks for your comment. I too agree on the BM's paying for thier own dresses. You bring up another "sore spot" with me though. One of her BM is her sister (of which we are more than willing to pay for her dress), but she excluded her step sister (my daughter) and because she does not really have any friends, a friend of her FH, her 2 elementary age cousins on her mother's side and a 14 yr. old friend of her aunts! It's actually pretty sad that she can't even come up with enough BM's. We are expected to pay for at least the three "kids" dresses, again because they just can't afford it. I really don't mean to sound so negative about this, but I sort of thought that if you ask someone to be in your wedding, it was understood that they were responsible for all expenses of dress, shoes, travel, etc.

Yes, 2 months IS cutting it close. She threw another wrench in things a few days ago. All along, she's been bragging that her FH's aunt wants to make her dress for her and it was really going to cut down on costs. Well we get an EMAIL of all things from her, saying "Dad, I need you to send a check ASAP to FH's aunt for my dress!!!" Again, maybe I'm old fashioned, but I guess I thought if someone offered to do something for your wedding, it was usually as a gift to the couple. After all, my daughter (since she was not asked to be in the wedding) was asked to do the photos - for FREE!! She is a wedding photographer and is actually losing money to do this wedding for her step sister.

I'm venting. Sorry.

[70707Bride]

Well, traditionally the MoB pays for the dress, but no one said you have to go by the traditional budget. I just think its a little rude to expect that out of your own parents/family.

[Goin2thechapel]

No, I think you're actions and frusterations are completely justified. I would sit her down and explain the situation to her and say "we are giving you this much, take it or leave it"

My fiance and I had to take out a loan for our wedding which is now at 26,000 dollars!! Granted it was a smaller loan but still, we got no help for either family!

Hang in there and be tough to her. I think already your bending over backwards to please her and that's not fair to you or your family.

Good luck

[countrygirl]

First off, welcome.

Second, I haven't spoken to my father for three years (long story) and would never ask him for money for anything. I won't even ask my mother for money for the wedding. We are paying for it ourselves.

Here is a question to ponder............after you pay for it (if you were to) do you think that you will even be 'welcome' to thier wedding? Will you be included?

She sounds like is all about the money.

[cowboysbride]

I'd tell the selfish little twit (my eval based on your posts) to get a **** life! Don't you dare even give her 2,500! She sounds exactly like she only wants dear old dad around for the $$$...has she bothered to be around during or since his stroke? Is she even contemplating the stress she is placing on him right now with all her demands? ...I'd say no.

And why is she in such a hurry to get married anyway?

If you all volunteered to do this for her it would be one thing but being told is a different story...

IMHO I'd cut the ties, wish her well and concentrate on my DH's health!

Best of luck to you!

And WELCOME TO ONEWED!

[countrygirl]

I'd tell the selfish little twit (my eval based on your posts) to get a **** life! Don't you dare even give her 2,500! She sounds exactly like she only wants dear old dad around for the $$$...has she bothered to be around during or since his stroke? Is she even contemplating the stress she is placing on him right now with all her demands? ...I'd say no.

And why is she in such a hurry to get married anyway?

If you all volunteered to do this for her it would be one thing but being told is a different story...

IMHO I'd cut the ties, wish her well and concentrate on my DH's health!

Best of luck to you!

And WELCOME TO ONEWED!

I like that Ellen.........ROAR ROAR ROAR... and welcome.

[cowboysbride]

I like that Ellen.........ROAR ROAR ROAR... and welcome.

Yeah well, I'm in one of my moods..:snide:

[LizabethDavis]

First off, welcome to Onewed!!

$2500.00 is very generous for you to offer. I personally did not get that much help in paying for my wedding and I wouldn't want it any other way. FIL paid for the photography and my step-mother paid for the wedding day hair. I got a deal on the catering because I used a family member. Other then that, I found my own deals and paid for everything myself.

I think if you have all ready told her you will help her by giving her $2500, then you should stick to it and not allow your husband to cave in and give any more then that.

If you haven't all ready promised her, I would reconsider giving her anything. I didn't expect my family to pay for a **** thing. They offered. It is my opinion that if you cannot afford to pay for your own wedding (or at least the bulk of it), you need to consider downsizing. She will either have to save her pennies for her dream wedding or scale it down quite a bit. JMO.

[countrygirl]

Yeah well, I'm in one of my moods..:snide:

yeah, this day has gone to h3ll in a handbag, and will be fixed w a nices stiffy.............drink that is!!!

[hummingbird521]

yeah, this day has gone to h3ll in a handbag, and will be fixed w a nices stiffy.............drink that is!!!

mine went there as well. make me a double please.

[countrygirl]

mine went there as well. make me a double please.

BTW, sorry about not showing up for the pies. I crashed my jet.

[hummingbird521]

BTW, sorry about not showing up for the pies. I crashed my jet.

Glad to know your ok though. bout that drink, don't bother bringing it then.

[countrygirl]

Glad to know your ok though. bout that drink, don't bother bringing it then.

Yeah, sorry, I drank it all as the plane went down, or maybe that's why it went down. Elizabeth was carried off my bigfoot. haven't found her yet.

[SerendipityCrafts]

Yeah, sorry, I drank it all as the plane went down, or maybe that's why it went down. Elizabeth was carried off my bigfoot. haven't found her yet.

Bigfoot was super big .... had a nice afternoon :)

I am still craving that pie even if Treasia's ungrateful step brats don't want them.

[countrygirl]

Hey step mom, just wondering if anything is better for you today. And, what part of Az are you in? Karen (MOB) and I are both in Az.

[rainbowtreat]

I am with the others girls in saying either give her the $2500 or nothing. And leave it at that. I never asked for anything. We paid for it ourselves. We had friends and family offer to do things for us as wedding gifts and they didnt expect anything for it. Because of that we wer able to make it a little more of what we wanted. Good luck and welcome.

[ladymelissa]

I wouldn't give her a dime nor would I host her wedding at my house!

[kevinsbride2B]

I have to say the same, it is quite rude to expect others to pay for your wedding, and saying it's in 2 months is redicuous. The bride isn't even suppose to pay for the BM dresses.
The 3 of you wil need to sit down and pan something out. This is a tough one. I'm about to become a step mother and I couldn't imagine Jamie doing this to us.
Just remeber that the 2 of you (Dad) need to stick together on this. If he starts to dish out the cash and you get upset it'll only cause problems. Good Luck!!!
Your right SPOILED is the best word!

[countrygirl]

I don't think this one is coming back.

[chrissgurl2007]

Thanks for the suggestions ladies, but getting everyone to sit down and discuss things is out of the question with this family! We did give her a limit of $2500 and apparently that's not good enough. (By the way, we have 6 kids and we've chosen to give the same amount to all six when the time comes.) My husband and I have a very large park like back yard and she's decided that both the ceremony and reception are going to be at our house. The set up, take down and having 80 people at our house is going to be VERY inconvenient and stressful for us and even more so when it's all being done for someone who isn't grateful or choses to stand back and let everyone else figure the tough things out! I'm very frustrated and about ready to just give her a check and tell her to do it all herself including find a new place to hold it! Am I that evil step mom, after all???

We could only wish one of parents was able to donate 2500 to our wedding she is being a brat and its time she grew up, I feel so bad for u stick to your guns and dont let her push you around

[stepmominaz]

Hey step mom, just wondering if anything is better for you today. And, what part of Az are you in? Karen (MOB) and I are both in Az.
Hey, Girl(s). Sorry I've not checked this chat in a while. You wondered where in AZ I am. Phoenix (East Valley) area. Things about the same here. Where in AZ are ya'll?

[MOB Karen]

Hey, Girl(s). Sorry I've not checked this chat in a while. You wondered where in AZ I am. Phoenix (East Valley) area. Things about the same here. Where in AZ are ya'll?

I'm in Phoenix too (Northwest Valley), and Heather is in Surprise (West Valley). How are things proceeding with the step-daughter?

[stepmominaz]

Update is that step daughter has a new BM that she seems to be letting plan everything. DH and I are just "waiting in the wings." She's made it very clear that she doesn't want us helping with any planning - albeit it's in our backyard and our $. Her latest idea is that she doesn't want anyone to see the reception tables being set up after the ceremony and wants to have 50-80 ppl mingle in my house!

[countrygirl]

Update is that step daughter has a new BM that she seems to be letting plan everything. DH and I are just "waiting in the wings." She's made it very clear that she doesn't want us helping with any planning - albeit it's in our backyard and our $. Her latest idea is that she doesn't want anyone to see the reception tables being set up after the ceremony and wants to have 50-80 ppl mingle in my house!

Honstly, I would tell the little miss thing that if you are paying for it, and it's in your house, then you will have a say in how things will run as well. You can't let her continue this way, or you will have one h3ll of a bridezilla on your hands. She won't stop acting this way until you put your foot down.

And yep, I am in Surprise, I used to live in the east valley though.