Thanks for your help, but I think it's being canceled.

[CarlosHoney]

:cry: I think I'm going to call off the wedding. :cry:

I've got Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was sexually abused from the ages of 4-10, and pornography was a big part of it. To see it, hear it, be anywhere near it, it's pretty bad. My doctor agrees that it triggers my PTSD, and that I should not be exposed to it. Well, Carlo doesn't feel the same way.

Carlo likes porn, and looks at it behind my back. He lies about it, and when I find it, he tries to deny it. Sorry to say, but my cat doesn't have such, cheap and disgusting, taste in women. I just stopped crying. I've been bawling for about an hour. I just don't think I can be with someone who has such blatant disregard for my feelings!

We've been fighting about it for the last 2 years off and on, but for about 9 months he didn't look at it at all, and got rid of his videos, and didn't leave any evidence that he was looking at it on our PC. That's why I was alright with marrying him. I thought that he had matured and gotten over his fetish.

I've tried to change. I've tried to not care, and I've tried not to get mad when he carelessly left a video on the WMP. I think I'm going to hear some Led Zep. I think wrong.

After finding it tonight, I don't think I can be with him. I found some two weeks ago, he apologised and admitted that he forgets what I've been through, and in the moment gets wrapped up and doesn't think about the consequences. He sounded sincere, and I believed him.

He's staying over at his cousin's house. I'm going to lock him out if he tries to come home to me. I can't stand the idea of sleeping in the same apartment as him right now. I'm really pissed, and upset, and hurt, and heartbroken. He thinks that I'm just going to get over it, and forgive him like I always do.

I can't do this to myself anymore.

[Mish11]

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to look at our partners and let them know how we feel, and even harder when it seems like they don't even care.

It seems like he is trying to make an effort, after all being addicted to porn can be like being addicted to heroin, and at least he didn't do it for 9 months. he probably can't promise that he will never look at it again, but he can promise he will try and be honest with you.

He probably lies becos he does care and is trying to protect you. Although i'm not trying to defend him, I am saying that you have to see both sides.

you guys need to re-evaluate why you're together in the first place. Why did you want to get married? Being engaged adds a whole nother dimension to your relationship and sometimes we are tried and tested becos it is your whole life we're talking about after all...

My Fh and i have been through some tough times of late and i always come back to something my mom once told me:
"if you look back and there is more good than bad, if you follow your heart you'll always make the right decision. Sometimes having the trust that someone is going to catch you if you jump, is the hardest thing in the world"

[LaceyinPgh]

You have to remember that you are having baby with him, so you can't just block him from being in your life all together. Have you tried couples' therapy? That way, you could both work through your issues together. Has he tried therapy, porn (especially in the internet age) is now being treated more and more like any other addiction. See if maybe you can find a support group in your area.

I'm not at all saying you should just "get over it" but it is at least worth looking into working through the problem before you walk away forever. You two do have to have a cordial relationship for the baby's sake.

[CarlosHoney]

He came home at 3am, obviously he was at his cousin's house because he was in a Jimmy Page shirt at least a size too small. He was bawling his eyes out. I was dead asleep, so I don't remember much, but he slept on the couch and we're going to have lunch to talk things over. I do love him, and out of all the guys I've dated, he's the one that has taken care of me and treated me right in all other areas outside porn.

Hopefully he can see that I am serious. We're having a kid, and that's a big thing. We have to speak to each other for the rest of our lives, regardless of our feelings torward each other, so I'm going to see what he is going to offer me.

I might have to download some parental control for the computer. :?

Thanks for the advice, I really do apriciate it. I'll tell you guys what happens at lunch!

[sstark1218]

So.. how did it go? Things work out okay? Let us know!

[CarlosHoney]

We went to have Italian for lunch. It was the most tense, silent, stare out the window, skirt the issue, and don't mention the giant elephant in the room 45 minutes of my life. I didn't want to bring it up, to me, he's in the wrong and he should apologise.

In the car, after eating way too much, I finally bring it up. He sighs, nods, says that he doesn't think it should matter to me. He says that he doesn't make me watch it, and that it shouldn't be something that we fight about. But, it is something that we fight about, and it's the ONLY THING that we fight about, so he has to stop. He re-stated a lot from the fight 2 weeks ago, but he seemed serious only because he said one thing that I would never, ever, EVER expect him to say:

"You're having my child, and though it's a scary thought to be a parent, I love you, and I love our baby, and I don't want to raise it without you. We can't think of ourselves anymore--I can't think of my selfish wants anymore. I'm going to be a dad, and that means that I have to get over this."

He noticed that I took off my ring. I took it off once I found it last night, and he asked if I still wanted to marry him. I told him that he officially is on his last chance, and that if I find so much as an exposed nipple anywhere, that's it!!

I appriciate everyone's words, and I think I'm going to keep planning to keep mt mind off everything that has happened with my Brother's death, but he understands that it's on hold right now. I'm not placing any deposits until closer to the date. I'm thinking about pushing it back until February, on our 4 year anavarsary.

Sigh, has anyone else gone through this? Or something similar?

[linzy_rose]

I hope things work out for you. My fiance looks at porn on our pc too. It didn't bother me at first because I know that every guy does it and I know he would never cheat on me. It's harmless right, he's just looking?!?!?!?!? Well I finally realized the other night that it's not ok. It really wouldn't bother me if it was only every once in a great while but it's like every other night. So I somewhat know what you're feeling. I was also assaulted when I was young but dont have any post stress over it. In your situation though, he should know better than to violate your wishes if you have so many bad feelings about porn. I can't give really give you any advice because I dont really know your whole situation, but if you guys are having a baby, I would try to work it out and all you can do is express how hurt you are by his actions. Good luck

[CarlosHoney]

Yeah, he's in the doghouse, but he's trying his best. He's making a peace offering of potato egg and cheese taquitos from Whataburger, so he's on the right track. He wants to take me by and feed me, then go hang with our friend. The friend is displaced right now, staying with his mom who he doesn't get along with, because he was living in New Orleans. I can understand him wanting company with her around. She's nice when we are there.

Thanks again for the kind words.. It's just tough. I don't want to be without him, I love him so **** much, but there is just this one issue that is reoccouring. I'm tired of fighting about it, and he understands the severity of the situation. He knows that I can't take it anymore. I was talking the 'I don't want to be with someone who disrespects me like this' talk, and he was begging for me not to say those things. I know he loves me, but he's got to get control of himself.

Thanks again! I'm hungry.. Taquito time!

[sstark1218]

I really hope everything works out for you! You deserve it.

[LaceyinPgh]

I hope that everything works out best for all people in the situation. But I am going to recommend some very heavy couseling sessions before your marraige. You need to work on your past because what happened to you is beyond tragic. The two of you together need to work on your relationship. He needs to understand how to best respect you because of your issues. Seriously, leave out the "I dos" until you both get some help.

[CarlosHoney]

Yeah, we are definitley getting counseling. I'm looking into wether or not my insurance covers family counseling. Also, I'm thinking about pushing the date back. August '06 is the current plan, but Feb '07 might be better. Feb is when we got together anyway, and I'll celebrate that as the real annivarsary even if we don't get married then.

We really do get along, and we fight less than most couples of our age and experience. This is the only thing that we ever fight about. I made it clear that I'm not going to tolerate the lies.

Something that I left out in my haste, I think, is that when we got the internet again, we made an agreement. We both sat down at the computer and we picked out some simple, artistic, non-threatening nude photographs for him to look at when he got the urge. I thought that it was the best idea, and that it would give him something close to porn to look at, and because it was an agreement, I didn't feel upset when he looked at the pictures.

The fight two weeks ago about it, I left the folder intact and told him that I prefer him to look at the pictures that we picked out together, instead of the smutty yucky porn that sets me off. Well, with this last fight I deleted every last Jpeg and told him that I would not make comprimises that were only made to be broken.

I'm standing up for myself more than I have in the past, and he's been really good since the fight. We've talked about it more, and he understands that I mean business.

I've read that quote in several places, 'don't marry the one you live with, marry the one that you can't live without', and that's both for me. I don't see myself with anyone else. I love him, and I know that he really loves me, because when he saw the ring not on my finger, he freaked.

But, therapy is something that I've been doing on my own for some time, and I've sudjested couples therapy in the past, and with a baby coming, he thinks that it would be beneficial. Especially since we are both so different in the way our parents raised us.

Thanks for all the advice! I think things are okay, and it feels good to vent about this issue that has mostly been bottled up.

[SueMartin]

you have trusted this man with your thoughts, & fears and he doesnt seem to be listening.. if hewont get help and go to couples counselling.. then I think you should be on your own until he can.. if it is too hard to give up his porn.. then he should realise what it is doing to you, and if he loved you. he would try & try again.. until he manages it.

follow your heart, but keep a hold of your head.

[Irie_Bride]

Good luck! I wish you all the best. :)