Problematic mother

[Mista TD]

I did read some of the threads in this forum about problematic mothers, so I'm not so sure how my Mom ranks among yours... How do you deal with a mother who happens to be a daily constant complaining, power-tripping, excessive talking, closed-minded, opinionated, inconsiderate, know-it-all-wannabe-braggart? (Outside of those traits, my Mom is a nice person! :))

My elder sister had her wedding just four weeks ago and though her wedding went basically smooth overall, being a witness (as one of the groomsmen) I could best reply it "went as good as expected" if somebody ever asked me seriously how her wedding truly went. Our Mom was the only monkeywrench all day. Seems every 10 minutes she complains about something. Almost every single time she doesn't get her way, she gets red and veins pop out of her temples in anger. She would be doing this numerous times all night.

Here are the highlights (or lowlights) my Mom had done in my elder sister's wedding:

Morning before going to Church

Openly criticized the bride/bridesmaids hairdresser's skills and wanted her fired on the spot and will do the hair for everybody herself (I knew this was a sign of things to come)... this obviously got vetoed... got so bad to a point that my elder sister ejected her from the room until her hair and the bridesmaids' were done. My Mom was the final woman to get her hair done by the hairdresser, who has to turn a deaf ear all throughout the process. Both my sisters had to be present to make sure she sits still.Church

Delayed the limo trip to the reception for 20 minutes, refusing to let the limo take off for the Dinner reception because she wanted the wedding photographer to take more Church pictures, but there wasn't enough time (we were already running late). The Groom's family was already inside the limo before us and heard her bickering. The thing I remember about this moment was the bride's amused expression "What's she griping about now?"Dinner Reception
THIS is where she attempted to throw all her weight around. It was here that at 20 minute intervals, my elder sister and my Mom had nose-to-nose arguments (yes, imagine being a guest and watching a well dressed bride's mother and the bride in her gown going at it!) over a lot of non-issues. A few tables did see these confrontations, but thankfully the loud music in the reception drowned out their voices!


Completely disliked the Wedding Cake, especially the frosting-made flowers on top of the cake. Everyone thought they were beautiful except her. She wanted them removed immediately. Was told that can't be done.
Demanded that the Bride, Groom, and parents toast each table... only 10 minutes into dinner! She was getting upset at our table as time went on right in front of the groom's parents and grandmother. When she started turning red and lashing out, the lucky couple had to concede and decided to toast each table when they were only half-way eating the main course. While they were doing that, the Groom's grandmother and myself were the only ones remaining at the table and I decided I had to apologize for my mother's antics while finishing the main course. The Groom's grandma was very nice and did reply with a smile "I understand. Your sister told us well in advance."
The reception photos of immediate family only. (Last I checked the definition of "immediate family" means Bride & Groom's parents and siblings and no one else.) Wanted 12th-hand relatives in the photo, and certain friends in them too. The wedding photographers, my uncles (my Mom's brothers) and my father told her thats not immediate family. Got very upset. Turned red and veins showed up again. This yellfest lasted a good 15 minutes. The people from the tables closest to the action here thought the latter photos taken based on my Mom's demands were strange, based on their expressions.Important note is that our parents did not pay for her wedding. None. Zilch. Not one penny. My elder sister and my now-brother-in-law paid every penny for that Big Day. His parents didn't chip in one cent either. So I couldn't understand how my Mom thought she had full control of the wedding at all. My sisters basically told every non-relative involved in the wedding ahead of time to not take our Mom seriously. If you are wondering why she cannot have her way on this Day, just take a look at the high/lowlights I mentioned above... her decisions were absurd, let alone severly unrealistic. The reception photos were the only real concession to pacify her, since by that point she was ready to faint because of her excessive anger and yelling and my family didn't want to have paramedics treat her on scene if that happens.

Its bad enough my baby sister has an unwanted issue (see the thread "Preventing a malicious wedding crasher") she now has to deal with our Mom in her wedding this May. And like my eldest, she and her fiance are paying every penny for her Big Day.

I can't think of any way to prevent most of my Mom's antics, and we all expect her to do an encore. All I could say was we will try to muzzle her as much as possible. But it won't be easy.

-Bill, the brother of the bride

[MOB Karen]

You know, Bill, any Mother that would try to sabotage their own daughter's wedding should be ashamed of themselves. I wouldn't call her a Mother, I would call her a trouble-maker. No offense, but she needs to be put in check! :snide:

[BriansBride07]

I could not imagine a mother doing that at their daughter's wedding it sounds to me that she always wants to be center of attention and if things are in an uproar around her she is not happy. I would suggest some of you siblings sitting down with her and telling her your thoughts and be very blunt and to the point. Best of luck to the upcoming wedding in your family that is in May I hope it goes alot better,.

[ladymelissa]

If she seriously starts a shouting match at the reception, I would have her escorted out. There is no need for that. I would also plan to have her around as little as possible and tell her flat out that the wedding itself is not the place to express her opinion. If she can't smile and act like an adult then her presence isn't needed or wanted.

[racecargirl]

I have a friend who's mom sounds very much like yours. One suggestion I would make is to give your mom a job. Something that will keep her busy and possibly away from the guests. Possibly making sure that the flowers are in the correct places before the ceremony. The other thing would be assigning a relative or friend that you know she likes and will listen to, to kind of 'babysit' her and move her along. Unfortunetly she will probably still cause a scene, but maybe you can tone it down to one or two instead of ten.

[kevinsbride2B]

My Mom isn't liek that but my Grandmother on the other hand is negative, critical, close minded and hates 1/3 of the guests coming. She told me a couple of weeks ago that she wanted to make a speech and tell them all hwo she feels.
I've already threatened my whole family that if one person steps out of line and makes trouble or any sort of tension among guest or my bridal party there OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The last thing you shoild be stressed about on your wedding day is a family member! You have bigger fish to fry!

[Mista TD]

Thanks for the responses and suggestions.

Unfortunately my Mom isn't one who's open minded nor listens to anybody except herself. Too many times my sisters and I tried to talk some sense into her, but it always ends in "its my way or no way!" Been like that for years. She even gives herself a lot of credit for the clear sky being the color blue. :huh: Its not just myself and my sisters... my Mom barely even listens to my Dad, nor my Uncles (her two brothers).

Even when I look back on it, she wasn't trying to maliciously sabotage the wedding... its more like her way (in her mind) of running the wedding was "better." Though I cannot prove it, my suspicions was that my Mom for months before this wedding told many friends and other distant relatives that she was in charge of this wedding. All the "plans" she had probably mentioned to them (the things she wanted done that I mentioned in my first post).

When I look back on this wedding, it would be that "free Celebrity-like photo opportunity with the Bride and Groom" (see my first post) at the dinner reception is what I will remember the most. This actually took place just before dinner. So everybody - 300 guests on this night - must wait at least 30 more minutes to eat dinner just to keep my Mom from lashing out. Her plan was to have all 150 family/guests from our side having that exclusive photo op... that would've taken all night! The Groom's side of the family only took photos of just the "power circle" of their relatives. Another suspicion is that my Mom wanted to show (or brag) that we have a bigger family than the Groom's, which is not true since its pretty much even in numbers, even though my sisters and I don't even know 95% of our own side! Thank goodness my youngest Uncle at least had been blunt to her saying that she is holding up dinner for all of us. It was almost 9:00PM when we finally sat down to eat the first course.

And it was the first course (salad) and maybe half of the main course is all what the bride, groom, his parents, and my Dad ate before my Mom "forced" them all to toast each table. (From my observation, she didn't even eat the main course since she was too busy nagging everybody at our table to go out and toast.) No chance to finish their meal let alone dessert. The only time I'm aware from this part of the evening where the Bride was free from our Mom was the Wedding Cake cutting ceremony. Thats it.

I give credit to my elder sister for keeping her cool especially in her nose-to-nose arguments with our Mom at the venue. Their mother-daughter relationship isn't all that rosey in general. My baby sister's relationship with her is much, much worse...their arguments are more explosive. And for years (to this day) my baby sister refuses to sit in the same car with her. I should stress that my elder sister knew this was all coming from the beginning. And she had the prudence to pre-warn my now-brother-in-law on what may (and did) happen on their Big Day. I'm glad the Groom himself and his family took her antics in stride. I'm hoping the fiance of my baby sister, and his family, will be just as kind.

[chrissgurl2007]

I agree I think maybe you should tell her staright that she has to calm down, my mother is not involved with my wedding planning at all ( as anyone who remembers my earlier posts will already know), but, the day of I already know that she will be trying all kinds of stunts like this , I havbe already told her straight that if she starts anything what soever she will be kindly be asked to leave , saying this to my mother has helped a lot , she is completley leaving the issues she had before alone and now is offereing to help and being really good about it!

[septemberbride06]

My mom wasn't THAT bad, but it was pretty much everyhting had to be her way, or no way. Because I did not nedd nor want the stress, I just let alot of things go, because I figured she was paying for them anyway, so If I say something, she won't then my wedding won't be that pretty, or what if I piss her off, and hen she doesn't show, which means my dad wouldn't show. (She has that much control over my father that if she is mad at either my brother or I and she doesn't want to see or hear from us they will ignore phone calls, and what not, WHILE THEY WATCH MY SON!!!).

:irked:

[allydawn0040]

Amazing.... some people are so self centered and some of them don't even realize that they are being that way. It is possible, as someone metioned in an earlier post, your mom may just have trying to make sure that the wedding was done the "correct" way and not delibertately trying to sabatoge it. On the other hand, maybe she was doing it one purpose to be the center of attention and have the lime light. Negative attention is better than no attention. Either way it was poor judgement and unexcuseable behavior.

As for your little sister's wedding, I don't really know what to say. I mean, it sounds as though your family has made their feelings clear to her (probably several times throughout your lives) about her behavior. These are probably her core personality traits and not likely to change. I would just advise that her & your little sister have it all out before the big day, preferrably weeks in advance to vent all of the frustration and let go of the stress well before the rehersal and ceremony.

As someone suggested earlier, giving her a task to keep her busy and feel important is a great idea HOWEVER your little sister MUST be willing to give complete, full, unrestricted authority to your mother over that task. I would not recommend choosing the photo shots as you will all be there until the same time the next night! Maybe something like - greeting each guest and thank them for coming as they arrive at the ceremony, deciding what order and what toasts will be given (not writing the toasts though, those are up to the speakers), maybe coordinating the movement of the reception (when the cake will be cut, toasts given, 1st dance, father/daugther dance, dinner served, etc). Again the key is to get her involved doing something she FEELS is important and can show her status and at the same time not completely mortify your little sister. Good luck!!!!

[Mista TD]

Just to update you on this matter since I started this thread months ago:

My mother actually ranted and raved all night before the wedding to my sisters, my Dad, and myself. She wanted the wedding from start to finish her way, or no way. My younger sister (the bride in this wedding) reminded her that it was her say that was final. After all, it was her and her fiance that paid every penny for this wedding. My Mom became even more nastier, and even louder. My Dad couldn't stop her, and all he could do was shake his head. I t was to a point, because it was a warm spring night, with the windows open, the neighborhood could hear her from as far as a several houses down. Apparently one of our neighbors at one point called the police and a squad car came at our door to see what the domestic problem is. They left after we (my sisters and I) told them what the argument and the story was about. My Mom at this point was "over the edge" and was ready to lash out at the cops, and if my Dad hadn't kept her in their bedroom when we were talking to the officers, I swear she would be 'cuffed and in a squad car that night. To give you an idea on how crazy it was... while my sisters explain the situation to the officers, I could at the same time hear my Mom in the other room, door closed, yelling at my father and wanting to give the cops "a piece of her mind," though of course the sound of her voice is 90% muffled because of the door. After the cops left and more arguments among my sister and Mom ensued, the only concession my Mom got was altering how the wedding party is introduced at the ceremony. That was the only thing she got out of all this.

But the best thing actually occurred for my sister the morning of the wedding... My Mom couldn't talk because she lost her voice due to all her yelling last night! Call me insensitive, but losing her voice may have been the best thing that happened at the wedding. She was more subdued because she couldn't talk, thus she cannot have her way. Add to that she had stomach/gas problems, so she was mildly unwell, and that may have been a factor why she wasn't as aggressive as she was in my older sister's wedding last September. So thankfully we never saw any nose-to-nose yellfest between the bride and mother in front of guests this night.

Incredibly all the incidents I mentioned she pulled in September, she never had a chance to do in this May wedding, save for holding up the ceremony by 10 minutes, because the wedding party was waiting for her because she was still socializing with the guests.

Other than that, this wedding turned out smoothly and we all had a great time. :D

[shawnsgirl]

Well, I'm glad that despite the drama and the cops that everything went well!! I just have to ask..Are you married yet?? If not, are you afraid for you wedding day!! If I were you I would give you fiance a heads up when you guys begin planning!! IMO your mom sounds like a nightmare to deal with. Is she like this with all functions and problems or is it just the whole wedidng thing??

[Nekochanpurr]

Wow! I just have to say, dang, your an awesome brother!! Its always great to see siblings help each other like that! :)

[EarlyBird]

WOW. sounds just like my FMIL.. if things arent her way they arent any way.. OR SHE MAKES EVERYONE MISERABLE!!!!

its just one of those things.. you can have everything, at least they have understanding and loving fiance/husbands

[Mista TD]

Well, I'm glad that despite the drama and the cops that everything went well!! I just have to ask..Are you married yet?? If not, are you afraid for you wedding day!! If I were you I would give you fiance a heads up when you guys begin planning!!

I have a girlfriend right now, but we are far from being married. We are not even engaged so that tells you how far our relationship is at the moment. However I can imagine my Mom really sticking her nose in the Bride's business even though she has the status of being the Groom's mother. And I wouldn't be surprised if that happens. In both my sisters' weddings, those Groom's mothers practically kept to themselves from my observation. They never had any confrontations with the Bride. I think in general the Groom's Mom cannot (or should not) have any say on the Bride's affairs... like choosing the dress for her (which I know my Mom will want to do). No question the Bride's family have to be warned in advance... my sisters' did tell the other side of their wedding party of the stunts my Mom will pull so anything she does won't be a surprise. I can also sadly see all the bridesmaids have to double as the Bride's bodyguards to keep my Mom at a distance.

IMO your mom sounds like a nightmare to deal with. Is she like this with all functions and problems or is it just the whole wedidng thing??

You gotta give my Dad a purple heart for being on the receiving end of her years of ranting and raving... I'm amazed he's still with her. She is like this almost all the time, not just the wedding issue. Even the most little things that annoy her will get her to rant for an hour. As she is getting older, she's getting more nastier, louder, unreasonable, and confrontational. The incident with the police and her brazen attitude against them tells me its not getting any better. Amazingly, she's not medically diagnosed as mentally ill. What my family is happy - so far - is that she hasn't included physical violence with these antics. My sister has been pondering on finding some kind of medication to keep her calm. I'm just happy I'm no longer living under her roof.

[RevMatty]

I know the feeling. Was there 11 years ago when I got married, and see it in the couples I now wed. The mother of the bride, wanting everything just perfect. It's their baby girls big day. It's a mothers instinct. Just like their wedding day, they want it perfect, but as an officiant, I have to please them all. And yes it is hard at times. But it's the bride and grooms day to shine, and I'm not marrying mom. As long as the bride and groom were happy with me, thats all that matters. I take into consideration the wishes of the family, but like I said, it's the bride and grooms day and they have the final say.