advice needed fr: moms or anyone here

[hummingbird521]

Ok, this is children related and we could really use some input on how to fix it, stop it or what might be causing it to begin with. My daughter who is a teenager and my stepson who is now 7 used to get along famously. When we first moved in in March they played and joked around all the time together. In fact my stepson was like hero worship, he used to tell everyone he now had another sister. Now in the last few weeks they fight constantly. Not just piddly stuff, but my stepson will for no reason whatsoever call her names, stupid and look at her like he quite honestly hates her. In response she retaliates back with her own nasty comebacks. This was not a gradual thing that took place, it happened overnight. It was from daylight to dark in a matter of one night. My daughter who is not an angel in any means does get sick and tired of his nasty attitude with her for no reason. Let me also say this, my stepson does not do this to get attention from her, he has this look in his eyes that is quite honestly like he wishes her dead. There have been times when she does pester him and do things to annoy him as well. We are both at our wits end on how to take care of this. We just gave them each an ultimatum of whomever starts it is sent to their room for 30 minutes or sit down on the stairway for 10 minutes (for my stepson). If anyone has any advice we would appreciate it. It is almost as if someone has set my stepson down and told him to be mean to her. :irked:

[CarlosHoney]

Aww!! I'm so sorry that this is happening to you!!! :sob: I know what it's like having step siblings.. It happened like that to us too (though not as bad).. 9 times out of 10 the kids feel like they're not being treated fairly. For me, my step siblings never got in any trouble at all. My SS would get into my art supplies and makeup, make a HUGE MESS and I'd get in trouble for "leaving it out", even though she would get a chair or step stool to get into my things that were put away.

Maybe spend plenty of time with them apart, and fulfill all of the needs that they could possibly have for attention. Perhaps even plan a family night or similar where everyone works together to meet a common goal.. I've heard about families having a rewards program.. For instance, there was a family that were regulars to Build a Bear. There were 3 calendars (one for each child) and each one would get a sticker at the end of the day (if they behaved well). After 14 days they got an outfit for their bear.. At the and of 30 they got a whole new animal (with an outfit).. Of course you could cater it the way you needed to.. Maybe with a combination prize at the end of the time period where they all go for pizza/burgers if they all work together to behave well.

Good luck, and keep us posted! :grinhappy:

[mariaandmanish]

It is almost as if someone has set my stepson down and told him to be mean to her. :irked:

It's strange, but I was just thinking that very same thing. That's exactly what it sounds like. I would assume you've spoken to your stepson to see if something has happened that is bothering him? As a teacher, I would simply suggest that you talk with him as much as possible about what's going on with him and with her. If he's unresponsive, keep trying, encourangingly, until he talks. Sometimes with her there, and sometimes with her not there. Also, suggest that perhaps she talk with him as well, with your supervision of course, and see if that helps. I would hate to say wait it out, because it really sounds like something is truly wrong here. Hope this helps! And hope someone else, a mom, might have better advice. GOod luck with this, Treasia!

[hummingbird521]

It's strange, but I was just thinking that very same thing. That's exactly what it sounds like. I would assume you've spoken to your stepson to see if something has happened that is bothering him? As a teacher, I would simply suggest that you talk with him as much as possible about what's going on with him and with her. If he's unresponsive, keep trying, encourangingly, until he talks. Sometimes with her there, and sometimes with her not there. Also, suggest that perhaps she talk with him as well, with your supervision of course, and see if that helps. I would hate to say wait it out, because it really sounds like something is truly wrong here. Hope this helps! And hope someone else, a mom, might have better advice. GOod luck with this, Treasia!

We have set them both down and asked them what is wrong and why they are behaving this way. My stepson just shrugs his shoulders and says he don't know. You made a good point in saying maybe we should also set them down separately and talk to each of them. Maybe this will work. I told my DH and we discussed it earlier that it could be (since his kids have been making comments lately about they don't get to spend time with DH like they used to) that they possibly have heard someone comment that since we have gotten married that if DH did not have a new stepdaughter that they might would receive attention like they used to. This is just a thought. They do still recieve lots of one on one time with their dad. I and daughter do make a point of giving them days alone together. But my daughter does not go to her fathers like my step children go to their mothers. Maybe this is bothering them??

[Kacie_bride]

My brother and I are both siblings from the same marriage, but for years we were really close. When I hit my teen years we hated each other. We fought all the time and we just now started to get along again. I'm 24 and he's 22. It has probably been in the last year and half that we are actually back to acting like we love each other. I still don't know what the problem was.

[MOB Karen]

I was going to say that maybe now they are getting more used to each other, you know like the honeymoon is over type of a thing. Now they are acting more like "real" brothers and sisters act, which is fight. My kids fought all the time. But, if there is some underlying issue, I don't know.

[hummingbird521]

I was going to say that maybe now they are getting more used to each other, you know like the honeymoon is over type of a thing. Now they are acting more like "real" brothers and sisters act, which is fight. My kids fought all the time. But, if there is some underlying issue, I don't know.

Karen, I hope you are right and this is what it is. Then we can handle it. We have thought about this as well. Honeymoon over type of thing. It makes sense to me.

[rainbowtreat]

You said he is 7 and it seemed to ahve started overnight? Well I would take that as some one might have said something to him. Or maybe he heard your daughter say somethign about his dad. I am not saying she did but I am jsut trying to point out some pissiblties here. A 7 year old wants attention and loves his parents and would not want anything to stand in their way. I have a 7 yr old daughter who sometimes does things just to ge tmy attention because I also ahve a 5 yr old boy who is a mammas boy. There could be anything. I dont know the situtions at all. Maybe he heard somethign at his moms place. Again I am not trying to say these have happened because I dont know your family. But I do know 7 yr olds and if my daughter heard soemthing bad about me or her step dad from her dad I know she woul dbe up set. She has told me that her dads GF's kids get mad that they are there for so long liek when they stayed a week with their dad this summer. I think this made them want to come home early but she wouldnt say that to me. There is alot that could have happened. Or it could also be what others have said and that it just is not fun any more for him or her. Let us know what you figure out if anything. Good luck.

[SerendipityCrafts]

My kids are brother and sister and they fought like cats and dogs. The insults flew! It most always fell on me to mediate and so I know how terribly frustrating it can be.

I can't ever remember fighting with my brother's the same way that they could. They both knew the rules, no physical contact, no name calling but they continued to "pick" at each other. Justin just enjoyed getting a rise out of Shannon. Shannon loved to snitch on Justin.

I spent time with both of them, I sent them to their rooms, I took away stuff .... nothing seemed to help. I do hope that they will have a better relationship when they mature some (after all - it's just the two of them!) more but for now, it's all about them - me, me, me!

They have calmed down and they don't fight like they did before .... mostly they just ignore each other.

If it helps the situation - let DH discipline his son and you can discipline your daughter but make sure to set the ground rules with DH (beforehand), sit the kids down and make sure they know what the rules are and provide a united front.

If they think there is a weak link - they will use it. The most important thing is for you & DH to talk it out and not to let it degrade into a "your son", "my daughter" type situation.

That's my two cents. :)

[Orgirl1969]

As a step-sibling myself, a mother of 2 and soon-to-be stepmom to 3 more (all 5 are teens, 4 living at home, one at college), life has been one blended family or another. A problem that we've had with the 2 girls (mine's 18, his is 13) is that my daughter has a job, drives, goes to college, has a boyfriend and pretty much comes and goes as she pleases. His daughter is always wanting to go here and there, "date," and do as she pleases and when she is told "no," usually whines and says, "Well, K gets to!" She is absolutely oblivious to the fact that K is 5 years older!

Could it be that your stepson has the perceived notion that your daughter gets to do more or go more places? Or that she is favored in some way, real or not, over him? Does she ever babysit him? Maybe he thought things were grand when they had "equal" footing, but if she played the "You have to do what I say" card, he got upset? Having 19, 18, and 17 year olds along with two 13 year olds, the older ones see the younger one as being in the way, and the younger ones see the older ones as bossy. At least once a week, we have to sit down individually with one of the 5 and resolve some problem.

How involved is the mother? Could she be of some help to you? One thing my ex and I did when my son moved back in with me was Bill and I set down with him and his wife and CALMLY discussed several things about the kids. My ex and I were big on creating a united front in dealing with our two and it's worked out pretty well. If the ex can't or won't talk to the stepson, perhaps your husband can spend some one on one time with him and get him to open up. Just some thoughts...

[CindySue]

Are they still living with their mom and visting yal often? As I believe it was mentioned earlier, he could be jealous that your daughter is getting to spend time with his dad. It is definitely the age thing too. between the ages of 6 and 8 my oldest 3 were jealous and very possessive little buggers. Im seeing signs that my youngest son who will be 6 in December is going to be the same way.
Is it possible that he could have heard anything from anybody? WIth the change happening like that, thats what I keep leaning to. Thing is with him being 7, he could have heard something totally innocent and misunderstood.
Talking to the kids alone is a good thing, but I would let your husband talk to his son alone, to see if he can get him to open up. Then your husband can find out exactly what the problem is, and then yall can come together to help solve it.
We had a few little things happen when me and Brian first got together, but weve been able to work through them.
Good Luck!!

[hummingbird521]

Are they still living with their mom and visting yal often?

My DH and his ex have joint custody. They spend equal time at each home, more so really at ours. Sometimes I do think that maybe innocently from mom they may have heard her make a comment or two. Because a couple weeks ago DH's daughter made this comment about how dad doesn't have time for her anymore since her older step sister moved in. This is only because steps have to go to their moms half the time and my daughters father lives to far away to split the time equally. This means when DH's children are not here, mine is more. Time is spent equally with all the kids. DH's daughter is cheerleading this year and we have not missed one game of her. My daughter is in band and we do not miss any of her games. Stepson is in BoyScouts and DH does not miss any meetings. In fact he is den leader for his son.