Walking Down The Aisle...(Long & Sad)

[CarlosHoney]

My mom and dad divorced when I was pretty young. My dad wasn't a big part of my life, didn't see him or hear from him even on holidays and birthdays. My mom had a hard time being a single mom with three kids, so she always cut him down and said terrible stuff about him. She was pretty abusive, allowed her boyfriend to abuse us, and isn't even close to the picture of maternal understanding that any mother should be.

My Grandpa Joe (My mom's dad) was always there, helping my mom when she was terribly irresponsible with her money, and making sure that my brothers and I had all we needed. I found out I am pregenant a few months ago, and we were going to get married this month. I asked my Grandpa a few months ago to walk me down the aisle. We found out that if I got married, I'd loose my insurance, so we postponed it until next August.

But, things have changed.

My little brother Jens died on August 3. My dad came, and paid for all of the funeral services and everything. He was more supportive than my mother, and his family, though I don't know them as well as my mother's side of the family, were more understanding to my wishes than my mother's. My brother killed himself because my mother was abusive, and took no interest in his life. He started using Vallium and Xanax, and when she took him to my Uncle's ranch (instead of a drug treatment facility), he shot himself. My Mom's side of the family acted terribly insensitive to what I was going through, criticised my fiancee, our choices as adults, and my 'getting knocked up' and not marrying immidiatley. They didn't respect my brother's last wishes, and my Grandpa Joe didn't even come to his funeral.

Since this has happened, my Dad has taken a much larger interest in my life, supported my decision to wait for marriage, helped me financially, and taking a large role in planning and paying for a lot of my wedding. I want my Dad to walk me down now.

I'm not sure how to address this issue with my Mom's side of the family. I'm not even sure if I want to invite several of the more immature members, as they offended me greatly during the time of my brother's death. Both me and my living brother have not spoken to them since the funeral, only talking to my mom to try and get her into psychiatric treatment.

Thanks for listening to my problem, and please, how do I go about talking to these people?

[Bride]

i wish i could wave a magic wand and give you the perfect answer, but i can't, so i will try....

at your wedding you want the special people in your life to share your truly special day. depending on how close you are to your family would definitely determine who gets invited and who doesnt.

etiquette says you have up to 8 weeks before the wedding to invite people. if you are able to, why don't you wait and see how things pan out. this is obviously an emotional time for everyone involved and some people just don't deal well with situations like this. sometimes shock makes people act in a way they normally wouldn't.

traditionally the father walks the bride down the isle, but obviously this is not always an option for people nowadays. talk this over with your fiancee, see what he has to say about this. maybe even talk it over with your dad, explain your reservations about the past ( he knows already that you would have them) and see what conclusion you both come to. you never know this tragic situation may just bring you both closer to each other.

i hope all goes well......take care of yourself, your fiancee and your new little one on the way :)

just remember you want people who are special in your life to share your day.....you do not have to consult with extended family on what is or is not acceptable.....just be strong enough to support your decision fully!

[LaceyinPgh]

I am so sorry for your loss. No owrds that any of us can say will make it all better but know that we are here for you 100%.

It is wonderful to hear that your dad is back in your life. You yourself said that your mom talk about your dad and made him out to be a bad guy. Is it possible that she kept him away as well? Maybe by doing that he never knew how bad things were on you and your siblings. A friend's mother did that to her. She wouldn't allow the father any contact with the children. Instead of fighting it in court he thought it would be easier on everyone if he walked away. It is just an idea. I would sit down and have a serious heart to heart with your dad to get to the root of the problem.

As for your mother's family. I am sorry they acted this way. Please understand that it doesn't make them bad people. Some people for whatever reason treat a death by suicide differently than if the passing happened in a different manner. A lot of people also see suicide as an unforgiveable weakness instead of the cry for help and understanding that it really is. I just wish someone could have heard your little brother better so that it wouldn't hacve happened. Also with your grandpa not being there, don't hate him. Maybe is was just too hard for him to come to terms with. I would have a serious talk with him as well. But give it some time so the wounds can start to heal.

The good news is that you have almost a year unti your wedding. You don't have to make a decision about who is walking you down the aisle just yet. Talk to the important people in your life. Find out what all the problems were/are. Then take sometime to think about it. In the end YOU do what YOUR heart desires. If someone can't understand ot respect YOUR choice that falls under the catagory of their problem that THEY have to deal with.

You also have some alternatives. You could walk down the aisle alone. You seem like a strong independent gal. You could walk down with your FH. You two are having a child together, why can't you walk together? Or, you could carry your new little one with you to symbolize the "formal" joining of a family.

I know right now that you are so sad and hurt and angry. But, you have to look out for that baby. You already know that the baby is numer one right now. Keep us posted on your pregnancy. If there is anything we love as much as weddings around here, it is a baby. If you need to talk, rant, scream, or cry we are here too.

[SueMartin]

you know.. a year is a long time... dont rush into things right now... with pregnancy hormones & the shock of your brothers loss, you are in no shape to make decisions other than the ones you HAVE to make... let it ride until closer to the time.. if your grandpa sees how supportive your dad is being, he may offer to step down.. but dont hassle over the relatives now..;.

[CindySue]

I agree with the other posters. You still have plenty of time to finalize any decisions. Who knows, if you have a boy, your son may be the one that "walks " you down the isle.
Hormones wil be going nuts and getting worse until you have the baby. Been there, done that.
I applaude you, planning a wedding is stressful enough, but to do it while pregnant.......You are one very striong woman!!!
My condolences on the loss of your brother.
Good luck!

[bnd94]

Oh I am so sorry Carlo's honey. That must have been so hard on you and your brother. It is great that your father is back in the picture and I would be curious if what one of the other posters said was true about your mom keeping him away. It happens alot, you never know.

I see this post is a bit old so how are things going now? Is your Dad still around? How about your grandfather, did he ever say why he wasn't at the funeral?

[CarlosHoney]

Things are good. Yesterday was 2 months since Jens died. I have spoken to my Grandpa once, and that was very breifly to tell him that I'm having a boy. I don't wish to talk to him, really, and if he wants to talk to me about why he didn't come, that's nice. If not, then he can kiss off.

Dad is in the picture, and yeah, I think that my mom DID try to keep him away. He told me that he would tell her that he was coming, and she would take us somewhere, and then he'd show up and we would be gone. It was a 4 hour drive to our house, so he couldn't really just come back the next day.

My dad has been really supportive in the whole wedding/baby planning process. Much moreso than my mother. I'm mad at her, simply because she's making the baby all about her. When I first told her, she begged me to have an abortion. 'I'm too young to be a grandmother, and you're going to ruin your life! He's going to leave, and you're going to have a baby ot raise!' I had one when I was 18, Carlo and I were only together for a month when we conceived, and after that I talked to him and told him that if I could do things over, I would have never done it. It's the only thing in my life that I truly regret, and it was too painful going through it to ever do that to myself again.

It's really tough talking to her, and I feel like I'd rather just not deal with it. I've cut her out of the baby planning process, and after she sudjested we name the baby Elvis (Elvis?!) I didn't discuss names with her anymore!

Well, everything is going good, though, and it's funny how much I'm like my dad, even though he wasn't around much. :lol:

[bnd94]

That is great you are getting along with your Dad so well. I am so happy for you!! It is too bad your mom did that, thats sad. I am glad you decided to keep the baby too! Have you thought of any names yet?

[CarlosHoney]

We're on the fence. Check my new post to vote on the one you like!!

[LaceyinPgh]

I am glad to hear that things between you and your dad are working out. It will be wonderful to have one more person to love your little boy when he gets here.

Give grandpa time. I know that you are hurt about him not being at your brother's funeral. But, we all grieve differently. Maybe he knew he wasn't strong enough to be there. I know taht he didn't do it to purposefully hurt you or your family or because he didn't love your brother.

As for mom, Elvis huh? I would cut her out too. My mother is always informing me that she as the grandmother gets to name my children whatever she wants to. She tells Sean that they are going to be her grandchildren and she gets a say over everyone elses in their lives. Man oh man that slap from reality that is going to hit her! If you quiet that day you will be able to hear it in San Antonio!

As for keeping the baby, you mae the choice that was right for you, Carlo, and the baby at the moment that you made it. No one can see the future. But as long as you are good and stable mother and love that baby lke you already do, it won't matter what happens. Things might be a struggle at times with alot of work and tears but you will somehow manage to get through because you have that baby and yourself to look after. You are a strong women who has already been through and gotten over or truimphed over so many more things that most of us on this board. You are more than ready to be a mommy.

[CarlosHoney]

Thank you for your kid words, Lacey..

The reason I'm mad at my Grandpa is this:

My brother was a punk rocker. Loved to dress different, had a mowhawk. His friends were all punk and goth kids. At the visitation, there were about 50 kids that came to pay respects. They came as they were, in their clothes and makeup, and hair dye, and peircings. My Grandpa and Uncle FLIPPED OUT and didn't want his friends at the funeral. After a screaming match after the visitation, I stood up for my brother and what he would have wanted. I told them that the friends were coming, that was it, if they didn't like it, they could kiss my...

So, the funeral was at 2pm. My Grandpa and my uncle paid $700 to have a seperate prayer service at 10am, simply so that they wouldn't have to see the goth kids. By the way, my mom talked to Jens's Girlfriend and had her inform all of the friends to come dressed nice, no makeup and peircings, please. They all came with ties, suits, dressed nicely. I came in flip flops, jeans, and a black tee shirt. Jens would have wanted everyone to come the way that they wanted. So, I did.

I'm mad because my grandpa should have been respectful to my brother's wishes and sucked it up, acted like a man, and gone to the funeral. I'm not that upset anymore, but I'm not going to talk to him until he explains to me why he didn't go. My brother was a really smart, kind, wonderful kid. He didn't shoot himself for no reason, and my family wasn't supportive of him and his problems. They made them worse, and in my mind, drove him to a point where he felt like he didn't have any other options..

It's crappy, and I wish that he could have just talked to someone and thought it over more. But, I can't change the past. I just have to take care of my baby and myself. I'm lucky to have someone like Carlo who cares, and who helped me through that time. He is the most amazing man I've ever known.

Thanks again, Lacey. And Bnd94. It's just lots of weird mixed emotions, you know?!

[lenor_1]

I'm so sorry it seams that everything is just hitting you all at once. The first thing I would do is make a master list of everyone that would go to the wedding this can be as long as you want it. When that's done sort them into an "A" and "B" basically who you really want there and who you don't. then take your "A" list and go through it again this time with a more critical eye like who will be a pain, who wont play well with others, who cant say anything nice if there life depended on it, ect.. You will find that you "A" list will shrink and your worries will decrease. I did the same exact thing for my wedding and I found that even though allot of people would like to see me get married too many of them don't like each other. So to keep the worries down they are not invited. Even my parents wont be there my mother although I love her will pick fights and talk BS about other people in the family. My father is an *****LE so he's not going either. If anybody has a problem with it you can tell them the church or where ever is small and only holds so many people. Or do what I do leave town so they cant find you.

[lenor_1]

oh BTW my fiancé and myself are both into the whole Goth scene and allot of our friends will be at the wedding. Which was why we cut our list the way we did. He has dreds, piercing's and tattoos. I have black hair piercing's and tattoos. My grandmother even asked if I would change my hair color for the wedding when I asked why she said she didn't want me to look like a which ready to fly off on her broom. So I uninvited her on the spot. If his family can love me black hair and all so should my family.

[CarlosHoney]

I used to have peircings, and purple hair, and the whole bit. Then I realised that I could not find/keep a real job with them, so no more fun stuff! :(

I'm just not inviting them. Everyone else gets along fairly nicely... Not really worried about my mom and dad fighting. They know that I'd kill them if anything stupid happened.

I agree, though, boo on them! Have you seen the 'My other car is a broom' bumper stickers? Get one just for your next visit with grandma!

[lesley]

Didn't read everyone's reply so excuse me if it seems off point, but I just read your topic and dove right in.

BIG HUG FROM KETUCKY! Don't waste your time honey. Do what you feel in your heart because it is your day and you have to live with your decisions.

Enough said.

[CindySue]

I agree with Lacey, you made a decesion based on what was going on at the time....dont beat yourself up over it. In time you will heal.
My mom isnt invited to my wedding because I know she would find a way to upset me on my wedding day....thats just who she is. Im surrounding myself with the people that love me and are truly happy for me. There will be more people from my FH side than mine but thats ok because his family has accepted me with open arms and have come to mean a whole lot to me. His mother is more of a mother to me than my own ever has been.
OK.....Im sorry for the loss of your brother. Ive lost someone very close to me by the same method. I hate the not knowing why. I played the "what if" game for years. Well he knew and God knows, so I left it at that. It helped me heal.
As for Grandpa, does he feel guilty? Some people do grieve in different ways. Ive known people to go to the memorial service but cant stay for the burial service. He has his reasons for not being there and I understand you want an explainantion, but on the off chance you never get one, please dont wait on it. You have a wonderful future in store for you. A beauitiful new son, and your marriage to the man of your dreams.
You are one very strong woman to be handling all that you have been handled. I admire you. All of this will help you be the best mother in the world to that very lucky little baby that will be your son.

[SueMartin]

Hang in there Carlo's Honey... you can have the wedding you want, simply by smiling, nodding & then doing your own thing... no one is gong to be stupid enough to have a fight with the Bride at the wedding. so dont tell people anything.. do your own thing & enjoy.. BTW loved the babysnaps...