mob blues

[Mob]

Any suggestions/insight appreciated! I'm the m.o.b. - living several states away from my daughter, wedding approaching. However, I'm very involved (thanks to the internet in part!) in helping her with her plans (financially included).
Situation: Altho all areas have their own traditions, & there are always exceptions in all circles, everything related to this that I've experienced & read follows that the Bridesmaid's Luncheon is mainly comprised of the bride & bridesmaids only plus often the 2 moms, to honor the bride's bridesmaids for their participation & help during this special occasion. Because I'm so far away, this is the only wedding related event I felt that she & I cld completly orchestrate together. (the invitations, florist, cake testing -etc has been done together with the m.o.g., & the wedding/reception are to be at the m.o.g.'s church & club - I flew in for as much as I cld along those lines). I've prepared spreadsheets, will maintain the rsvp's, do whatever research is helpful to my daughter, etc.
Prob: The m.o.g. has close family flying in & because the bridesmaid luncheon is the day before the wedding (only chance for the 8 bridesmaids to all be in town since most live elsewhere now), and m.o.g. told my daughter she will be including these close family ladies -must include all of them or the ones left out will be hurt. This (a)makes the intimate group of 10 into a group of 20, & to me, more about family than the brdmaids & I'm not inviting my other family members. (b) spirals the cost of this event up $200 more than the furthest I cld afford to stretch it. The budget is already stretched (esp with the flights/hotel/rental cars required for us to be there for the wedding week). Now I need to decide if we shld bow out & allow the mog's previous offer to host a large all lady inclusive lunch - which will likely blossom into about 30-40 ladies & be financed by her (she can aford it), or request as nicely as we can that she not bring her 10 other close family members to our smaller more intimate (& already reserved) gathering. I don't see anyway out w/o someone's feelings being hurt (why does it have to be this way?)(it's supposed to be about fun & love!!) :? There are so many other parties, rehearsal dinner, etc - I don't understand why these other ladies can't entertain themselves for 2 hrs the day before the wedding - they'll all be at the rehearsal dinner later that same nite. I don't want to be party to any addt'l stress or any hurt or bad feelings - these shld obviously be more important than any one event - also don't want to give up something I felt so much a part of - I researched, negotiated the price, menu, etc.
Thing is (& I'm trying to tell myself I'm the adult & not to be selfish) - but this was the one little corner my daughter & I had (she is ok whatever's decided) in light of the fact I'm so far away, & I was beginning to feel like a guest (not a hostess) at my only child's wedding. This event made me feel (however briefly before it was disturbed!) it was a sweet little memory I could be the author of. I know it's about my daughter - her wedding- but it also means so much to the mother of the bride - we have our dreams in being part of our daughter's wedding from the time she's a little girl. I don't want to look back with regrets at not holding onto this. Am I being too emotional? :roll:
Thx for your true opinions!

[sstark1218]

What does your daugther want to do for the luncheon? Does she WANT all these people there, or just the mothers and BM's? You are right, anyway you go about it, someone's feelings are going to get hurt. If you daughter agrees with you on this, maybe you both should speak with the MOG and tell her what you had in mind and that's what you (and your daughter) want and that's how it's gonna be. Sometimes you just have to put your foot down.. nicely tho. But, as you said she was going to pay for a ladies only luncheon, that may be best, just let everyone know that it is to honor the BM's and all those who actually worked on this big day for your daughter. I hope this helps, let us know how things go!!!

[Bride]

y doesnt' your daughter invited the mog and u and the bridesmaids, thats all that would really need to be there anyway. the others do not have an active role in the wedding. the others can show up at the wedding, that's their active role.

maybe another idea is maybe just having a quiet breakfast, or coffee with your daughter, just the two of you....it might be nice for the two of you to have some time before all the madness begins! :D

[Mob]

Stark, Bride - thx for the replies. My daughter had said she'll do whatever I want to do, that she understands my feelings & also understands the mog's. She said she'll call her & explain it's just too big, too much $ with the addt'l guests & that they need to be kept off the list (if it means that much to me to hang onto the event), or she'll call & explain it's getting too big & so no one feels left out, we'll take her up on her offer to host it. She says either party is fine with her. Either way, & maybe this is where I can't see beyond my pride :oops: (even if I do get past the sentimentality of wanting to do this) - I feel she'll take it as (& will explain it to others who ask why the change?) as the mob cannot handle (financially) the addt'l guests. I suppose as much as asking for advice, I'm venting at being put in a position to have to change/give up this event. (I wldn't interfere with her rehearsal dinner). The mog is very 'ettiquettely correct' at most everything- but my daughter said that this is how weddings in the mog's family have always been handled & she's also used to being in the drivers seat - usually with the best intentions & outcomes for her children & those around her - & I feel she just doesn't 'get it' that not all of us can accomodate/afford an open-end guest list. I'm sure she'll say "Oh! ... Well ... of course, whatever you want is fine dear" to my daughter - but I don't want to place any bruises on their relationship, nor do I want the mog or her close relatives to feel left out, nor do I want to embarass the bride's side (including myself) by opting out due to $. :oops: I realize my choices are (a)let her know the list is limited because we want an intimate affair honoring the brdsmaids (my daughter says this translates into 'I can't afford your extra guests') (my daughter says that she(herself) was (ONCE- out of the many times she's been a bridesmaid) at a very large luncheon herself as a brdsmaid -that honored the girls, yet included ALL female relatives). - (b)let her know that if she'd like to invite her relatives, I'm deferring to her prev request so that ALL her female relatives/frnds may be invited so no one feels left out. (still dictates into 'AND I can't afford that'. The bride's side will be very under-represented because we just don't have many females on our side - same for the wedding- most guests are the grooms family's. The luncheon was not about putting on aires, but it also shldn't be about being put in a position where I have to announce 'I can't afford this event anymore'. To me, it's as much about the extra $ as about keeping it small & intimate. I've met all of these ladies - known some since they were little girls, & all are my daughter's best friends - altho many have scattered across the miles. I just need to 'get over it' & see the good served in giving this up. Sorry to be so dramatic - just how I feel right now. I know I'll move fwd & make a decision one way or the other - just wanted some of you ladies going thru all this at the same time - to see this from outside the 'jungle' of emotions I'm sorting thru - you'll have more of an un-biased perspective. Thx again ladies! (& best of luck with your plans - I know we all have a few stumbling blocks - we can stumble over them - or build something good with them I guess! :wink: (but I'm still trying to find those building plans - they got lost in the shuffle!)

[WhiskeyGirl]

Hi Mob,

Whoa, this puts you and your daughter in a most ackward position. I got married last month and I think that there were a few times where my mother probably felt similar to the way you are feeling. She never told me so, but if she had come to me and asked certain things of me I would have done my best to accomodate her.
I do not think that it is wrong at ALL for you to ask her to ask her future MIL to tone it down and keep it to the original guest list for the "BRIDESMAIDS luncheon." This is a luncheon to honor them, and I think it will give you daughter a chance to have some much needed alone and down time with the bridesmaids, yourself and her future MIL. If you think that something as simple as this will put a damper on your daughter's relationship with her future MIL, then I say tough! You are the one putting this on and I don't think that it should be taken away from you or have guests added just because they can't entertain themselves for a few hours while the eleven (?) of you enjoy yourselves and have some alone time away from guests, away from stress and away from the hussle and bussle of the wedding. I think that this should be your time, and you shouldn't add all these extra people. If in your heart what you want is to keep it to this small group of ladies, then I say fight for your right and forget about what the other ladies will say. If they want to be that catty and lame, let them be, you shouldn't have to miss out on something because of them, this is something you want to do for your daughter and you may just end up resenting this for the rest of your life...don't put a strain on yourself and your daughter, do what makes the two of you happy!! Best of luck!!

~CanadianBride~

[CarlosHoney]

In my eyes, if the reservatoins are made, then it's a little inconsiderate for her to try and increase the guest list, especially if she has not offered to contribute to the bill. If they do come, have her call and change the reservatoin, and have her pay the difference. It's only fair.

If your daughter lets this slip, just immagine what lies ahead. Good luck!

[wedbyjean]

According to "Emily Post's Complete Book of Wedding Etiquette" the Bridesmaids' Luncheon is an "occasion for good friends to get together and chat for the last time before one of the group leaves, or at least changes her status." This section mentions mob & mog participating in the bridesmaid luncheon.

It is not the place for a bunch of other wedding guests (that's what the reception is for).

Declining the mog's out-of-town guests' attendance at the bridesmaids' luncheon is not about money - it is about the type of event your daughter wants. If your daughter really wants to have some relaxing down-time with her bridesmaids, then it will be the "intimate group of 10" at a "Bridesmaids' Luncheon." If having this "special" time with her 'maids is not as necessary to her, then go with plan that includes the mog's ladies.

BTW - does your daughter know any of these out-of-towners? If not, does it make sense that they attend this event when they will be attending the reception (where the groom will be, who probably DOES know these people).

If your daughter decides to proceed as originally planned, can her fiance help "break the news" to his mom? Something like "We both think it would be great for "bride's name" to have some time with her girls. It would be fantastic for both you and her mom to be there too." This may take the "blame" off of you and your daughter and keep you from looking like the "bad guys".

[Mob]

I appreciate everyone's great advice very much! ... uh oh ~ this is going to be wordy:
Things move very quickly in my daughter's life (espec during this pre-wedding time!), and I needed to make a decision & move on.
My daughter has explained things to me in more detail; the husbands of these close female relatives of the Mog's are participating in a golf game during these few hours (family custom). Because these ladies are from out of town, they'd be sitting in their hotel rm alone. 2 or 3 of these ladies have daughters around 17, so IF they came, they'd need to bring their daughters of course. The Mog's family custom was to have a 'bridesmaids' brunch/lunch (more like a 'female bridal luncheon') to accomodate bridesmaids plus any & all close mog/mob females - extending to include the groomsmen's wives or longterm girlfriends.
This was in need of careful handling because it's not a 'black & white one side is overbearing & intentionally' :twisted: trying to monopolize the wedding planning, & I believe good intentions have been at the base of everything, altho some personalities involved are stronger than the others (that can be a good/helpful & yet also a sometimes difficult thing!) - so I felt a compromise preserving feelings on both sides would be to continue with my plans of the bridesmaids luncheon, but include the specific close relatives the mog requested with a limit set for reservations for 20 ttl. More expensive than I'd negotiated/hoped, but perhaps the best compromise. The Mog's family had previously offered to handle expenses in a few other areas to make up for their disproportionate amt of wedding/reception guests from their side, and they are generous to my daughter, so I'm not asking her to pay the addt'l guests luncheon expenses. (Altho in other cases I agree that is a very fair arrangement.)
My daughter plans to explain the limit is 20 'to keep it fairly intimate'. If the Mog then expresses any 'dismay' in that this limitation will truly hurt anyone on her side's feelings, then my daughter will (on my behalf) 'bow out' & defer to her wishes to host a large event. If it means THAT much to her, I truly wldn't be able to enjoy this event anyway, knowing people on the groom's side have hurt feelings-right or wrong. To some, it may appear to be setting a stage for future 'giving into their wishes' situations, but I'm not worried (knowing my daughter) that she will have any problem- with this (or any) family, in standing up for what's truly important to her. (She'll need to pick her 'battles' carefully & hopefully will be able to remain gracious but firm.) Because my daughter will have a bachelorette party & says she wld've also carved out a space & time within a larger luncheon to honor/ dispense gifts to her bridesmaids, it doesn't matter to her if the mob or mog hosts this- (as long as my feelings aren't hurt). In the event of the mog hosting, my daughter anticipates her asking (again, as she did when she originally offered to host the luncheon) 'then your mother wld like to do something else like provide a manicurist to come out & give the girls mini manicures/pedicures while they're getting ready together for the wedding?' That's another 'stone' in the road I'll cross shld that come up! (I'm not just standing with an open ck-bk, pen in hand looking for things to spend $ on!) (altho I know it wld be a very nice perk for the girls-the wedding expenses are enough & catered mini manicures/pedicures can get pricey for that many girls & not what I wanted to spend my money on! I chose what I wanted to spend my money on. I don't need to be 'assigned' things to pay for - takes all the fun outta it for one thing!) (don't have mental energy enough after this to deal w/that possible decision right now!) Hopefully, the 20 for lunch is a done deal - I'll know within the next month. Thanks again for the well thought out & very good advise ~plus your kind support in this!

[LaceyinPgh]

I'm glad to hear that your daughter is picking her battles. I try to do that too. It makes life so much easier. After the luncheon why don't you, your daughter, the BMs, and MOG all go and get your nails done or something along those lines. That way, the MOG is happy but you and your daughter get some intimate time with important women of the day? Just a suggestion. Maybe you coul deven have MOG pay for the luncheon since she is inviting so many extra and you pay for the salon visit.