Former MOH..should I...shouldn't I

[countrygirl]

I need more advice ladies. I am good at giving it, but can't seem to keep some for myself.

As some of you know, I had to fire my MOH. For those of you who don't know, she has (was) been a friend of mine for 16 years. We have been thru alot together, and she seemed to be happier than anyone that I was getting married to Josh. She started planning things right away, and was very interested in every aspect. She was very overweight, and down on herself. Men never gave her a second look. She lost the weight, started gaining self confidence, and it was awsome. I had never seen her happier. She met a man who seemed to be really into her, and she lost herself completey. She 'gave it up' to him (she was a virgin) two weeks after they met. She suddenly had no time for me. She went from bieng at my house everyweekend, to not getting together w me for a month or two. They decided after knowing eachother for a month that they were getting married.
Now, she absolutley had no time to help me w anything, and pretty much ditched me on everything for the wedding. I finally told her that my sister was going to step up and be my MOH as I know that she (the friend) was very busy planning her own. I still wanted her to be a part of it, but she told me to have a good life.

Now, w the wedding just over two months away (HOLY MOLY) I am starting to have a hard time because I really wanted her to be around. It really does hurt that she isn't and I know that in reality, it isn't my fault, but a big part of me wants to email her, and at least say hello. I feel like if I don't, I wouldn't have given it my all. But if I do, it just gives her one more chance to throw me away.

Any advice?

[LaceyinPgh]

You know, I went through a similiar situation with a bridesmaid. She and I had been friends since middle school. She and her identical twin sister practically lived with us in high school because their mother just packed up and left one day. She too is a very big girl with low self esteem. As my wedding got closer and closer she got more and more distant. She made comments about me never having time for her. She was upset that she lost her job and took out on me because I wasn't willing to be more caring about that. (I don't know what she expected me to do, I didn't get her fired.) She made it known that she was upset that I didn't invite her two sisters to the wedding. She made little jokes about me being too tied up with my dream wedding that I was wasting my money on and spending too much time with my Sean. Eventually I made it clear that I didn't have time for it or her. After dealing with her and her issues for years, I suggested that maybe she shouldn't be in the wedding anymore. I did it though email. In fact I think that I even shared that email with you girls on this site.

As the time came to send out invitations, I debating sending her one just to be the bigger person. That way, she could suck up her half of being wrong and I could suck up mine; we could still have a sembelence of a friendship. I decided at the last minute to go against that idea though. I felt that she wasn't a stable person. I felt that she didn't deserve to be a part of my day after the way she acted and treated me. I also felt that she could in fact cause me some sort of problem that day if she did show up. It was better for my sanity to forgo being the bigger person and leave it as it was. I feel that I made the right choice because on my wedding day, I didn't miss her. There were people who weren't able to be there that I stopped and thought about, she wasn't one of them. I still miss her. I miss the friendship that we had. But, we aren't in middle school anymore. We aren't on the same page in life. Tragically, people grow apart. I could either accept that and move on or ignore it and be upset for eternity over the fact.

I can't tell you what to do. I'm not sure if you were Onewed yet when all of this was going on for me back in March. But, I thought I would share my situation and how I handled it. That way you could get a perspective on one way to deal with it.

[cowboysbride]

I think that if you don't at least call or email her (don't bring up the wedding let her do it) that you would feel quilty, at least drop her a note thru email that you just wanted to say hi and see if it goes anywhere, however I don't think that I would want her in the wedding, at the wedding would be fine. JMO

[ikkin510]

I agree with Ellen. Send her a quick note just saying hi and you hope everything is going well for her. Don't bring up her wedding or yours. And see how it goes from there. If she write back, great. You can slowly re-kindle your friendship, if you want. If not, at least you tried.

[countrygirl]

I think that if you don't at least call or email her (don't bring up the wedding let her do it) that you would feel quilty, at least drop her a note thru email that you just wanted to say hi and see if it goes anywhere, however I don't think that I would want her in the wedding, at the wedding would be fine. JMO

That is what I was thinking. I don't want her in the wedding party. It's too late for that. But I was thinking of just sending the note 'hello' email. I feel bad that I didn't send her parents an invite to the wedding either, but I know that they wouldn't come. I practically lived there in HS. I never had ill words w them. Should I send them a 'courtesy' invite anyway?

[ladymelissa]

If you don't do anything you have something to possibly regret. If you send her a message and you get nothing, at least you know in your heart that you tried. Don't look at it as giving her a chance to throw you away, you are simply reaching out. If she doesn't want that then it is her loss not yours.

Sometimes friendships evolve, I have friends that I may not see or talk to for months, but when we do we pick right back up where we left off. Everyone is busy (your wedding is a different story, but that aside). If you would like to contact her, I say go for it.

[cowboysbride]

I'd send them both an invitation but don't count on them coming, at least she can't say you didn't invite her and if you were at her folks in HS alot then I would send them one anyway.

[mariaandmanish]

I agree about sending the hello email. Is your former MOH invited to your wedding, and if yes, is she planning on coming? As for her parents, that really depends on whether or not you would want them to attend. I mean, if you don't want them to attend, then don't send the courtesy invite, because they could surprise you with a yes. I really hope that you can become friendly with your former MOH again.

[countrygirl]

I'd send them both an invitation but don't count on them coming, at least she can't say you didn't invite her and if you were at her folks in HS alot then I would send them one anyway.

Well, I did just send a quick hello to her. I am going to go ahead and send her parents an invite. I don't have an address for her, but maybe if she responds, and it goes ok, Iwill go ahead and ask her for address.

[ikkin510]

Well, I did just send a quick hello to her. I am going to go ahead and send her parents an invite. I don't have an address for her, but maybe if she responds, and it goes ok, Iwill go ahead and ask her for address.

Sounds good, let us know how it goes!

[countrygirl]

I agree about sending the hello email. Is your former MOH invited to your wedding, and if yes, is she planning on coming? As for her parents, that really depends on whether or not you would want them to attend. I mean, if you don't want them to attend, then don't send the courtesy invite, because they could surprise you with a yes. I really hope that you can become friendly with your former MOH again.

I didn't invite her because she told me to have a good life. I was to be her MOH, and never heard another word from her. I haven't spoken to her in about 3 months.

[mariaandmanish]

I didn't invite her because she told me to have a good life. I was to be her MOH, and never heard another word from her. I haven't spoken to her in about 3 months.

That really s*cks, Heather. I am constantly amazed at how people we think are our best friends, turn away when we need them the most. I hope that she responds to your email, but know that if she doesn't, you tried your best and have nothing to regret, whereas she may.

[montanagirl]

Hi, :)

This isn't so much wedding related, but I went through the same thing with my best friend. Not so much with her losing herself in a guy, but more in the sense that I felt like I was always giving 110% to the relationship--I was her MOH, came dress shopping with her at the same time I was going through a divorce, was so excited when she got pregnant, spoiled her and the baby. I was always there with ice cream and stuff when she was down, always buying little things that made me think of her, stuff like that. I never got even half the effort back and after she blew off the thanksgiving dinner I had planned weeks in advance with no excuse/warning, I'd had enough. We stopped talking pretty much over night--I never emailed or called and she never did either, even if just to find out what was wrong. Long story short, I missed her so much that after the baby was born, I sent her an email saying congratulations and offering her any help she needed with her daughter. We slowly started talking again, hung out a couple of times, and have pretty much gotten our relationship back. We've never discussed the 9 months we didn't talk, but the weird thing is we seem to have a better relationship now. Honestly, though, I think that has more to do with my adjusting my expectations of her role in my life than anything else. I don't count on a lot of that stuff I used to from her and accepted that we'll probably never be "soul-sisters" (our name for each other) again, but I'm okay with that. I've bonded SOO deeply with her little girl and I can't imagine not having her back in my life. I guess my point (to what was supposed to be kind of short:) is that I think it's totally understandable to want to reach out to her and that you should totally do so. I think the key is just adjusting your idea of how the relationship will be. I'm here if you need an ear--feel free to send me a message:) {{HUGS}}

[countrygirl]

Hi, :)

This isn't so much wedding related, but I went through the same thing with my best friend. Not so much with her losing herself in a guy, but more in the sense that I felt like I was always giving 110% to the relationship--I was her MOH, came dress shopping with her at the same time I was going through a divorce, was so excited when she got pregnant, spoiled her and the baby. I was always there with ice cream and stuff when she was down, always buying little things that made me think of her, stuff like that. I never got even half the effort back and after she blew off the thanksgiving dinner I had planned weeks in advance with no excuse/warning, I'd had enough. We stopped talking pretty much over night--I never emailed or called and she never did either, even if just to find out what was wrong. Long story short, I missed her so much that after the baby was born, I sent her an email saying congratulations and offering her any help she needed with her daughter. We slowly started talking again, hung out a couple of times, and have pretty much gotten our relationship back. We've never discussed the 9 months we didn't talk, but the weird thing is we seem to have a better relationship now. Honestly, though, I think that has more to do with my adjusting my expectations of her role in my life than anything else. I don't count on a lot of that stuff I used to from her and accepted that we'll probably never be "soul-sisters" (our name for each other) again, but I'm okay with that. I've bonded SOO deeply with her little girl and I can't imagine not having her back in my life. I guess my point (to what was supposed to be kind of short:) is that I think it's totally understandable to want to reach out to her and that you should totally do so. I think the key is just adjusting your idea of how the relationship will be. I'm here if you need an ear--feel free to send me a message:) {{HUGS}}

Thank you, and welcome to the group. I am glad to hear that things worked out for the two of you. I hope that we are able to do the same.

[septemberbride06]

I haven't fird my MOH but she has not helped with anything. She did however donate a lot of decorations for my wedding. Her sister just got married like 2 months ago, so she just gave me what I wanted from hers.
Yes, I know that is very sweet and all, but I want the physical help.
Now, she will be helping me the morningof the wedding by decorating, then later helping me to pamper myself a bit before the ceremony.
I just hope she realizes how much her being my MOH really means to me. I chose her because she is my best friend,a nd she has always been there for me, but I think maybe she is a little down right now.
She hasn't dated anybody in a while. Sometimes when she comes over to hang out, she gives me and Joe this look. It hurts me to see my best friend this way, but what can I do? I just make sure I'm there to always support her. Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know you are not the only one with MOH issues! :bbmrgreen:

[LizabethDavis]

I am glad that you decided to try and contact her. I went through almost the same thing with my original MOH, but I never got in contact with her and now I am feeliing kind of sad that she wasn't around for my wedding. I don't know how she will respond. However, I digress. I am glad you were the bigger person and decided to attempt to contact her. Good luck with everything and let us know how it goes!

[rainbowtreat]

This seems to happen often. I went through this with one of my Maids of Honor. I gave her the chance over and over to come clean with me and to be the friend who used to be but it never happened. I even stopped in not knowing if she had her baby or not which she had 6 days earlier. I left her my new phone number so she could contact me. But she never did. You are doing what feels right to you. If you didnt you would have wondered for ever what if. Atleast you gave it it chance even if she wants nothing to do with it. Good luck and keep us posted.

[guytool]

As a guy, I must agree with everybody else. Just call her to say hi. Just open the lines of communication back up. If she says screw off, then you will know. For all you know though she could be having the same problem. She probably wants you back in her life too!

[theweddinghelper]

Everyone has given u great advice already! I totally agree w/ them! :)
I hope it works out for the best! If it doesn't, it is definitely her loss! (Just like Melissa said.) She will definitely regret loosing u as a friend later down the road if she doesn't already realize that now!

[bnd94]

I'm going through a similar situation. I won't bore you all with details but I find it amazing how such a big event in your life can bring our a persons true colors. You truly do find out who your true friends are.

Good luck Heather! I hope your friend comes around.

[countrygirl]

Thanks for all of the input ladies. I have officially made my decision. I am inviting her parent's but I am not inviting her. She hasn't responded from my email on Monday, and when I talked to J about it, he acutally told me that he would honestly be upset w me if I invited her. She put me thru alot, and he doesn't want her there. He is NEVER adamant about not including someone, and he was last night.

So, that is my final answer Regis!!! heehee

[AngelinLove]

As a guy, I must agree with everybody else. Just call her to say hi. Just open the lines of communication back up. If she says screw off, then you will know. For all you know though she could be having the same problem. She probably wants you back in her life too!

Guys always have such a simple way of thinking about things...it is kinda cool to have another guy around here...I mean L3vi is great, but rarely posts on threads like this!!!! Welcome!!!!

[countrygirl]

Guys always have such a simple way of thinking about things...it is kinda cool to have another guy around here...I mean L3vi is great, but rarely posts on threads like this!!!! Welcome!!!!

I agree. It's good to have a male;s point of view. But yeah, they do tend to have a simple solution to things. They can throw down one minute, and drink a beer together the next. Sheesh!!!