need advice, suggestions

[hummingbird521]

Don't know who I am really upset the most with here but let me tell you the story. Jerry and I along with the ex decided to place their kids in after school daycare when school started. My daughter and I watched them this summer. But my daughter will now have after school activities and such and will be unable to watch them. Even though I am not working at the moment I never know when I will be called out to work or go on an interview. So this was decided on. We have the kids on Monday and Tuesday afternoons along with every other Friday. Mom has them the opposite days. Jerry and I had already discussed this would be a problem when it came time for the kids to be picked up by their mom. She is never on time to anything and most times forgets to take the kids to their cheerleading classes or church events. We always make sure when they are with us they get to go. And most of the time even when with mom, Jerry ends up going to get them to take them places so they do not miss anything. Well mom picked them up on time wednesday but yesterday the sitter called at 5:30 pm to tell Jerry that his ex had not came by she was in some meeting at work and her husband was still at work as well. So Jerry went and picked them up. NO sooner than he got them back to the house here was mom pulling in to pick them up herself. First off the sitter knows to call someone other than us if ex is late. So this upset me. The ex knows to have someone else arranged to pick them up as well. She always manages to throw over the responsibility onto Jerry though. The reason this is upsetting to us is that the kids when here cry when it is time to go to mom's. Yesterday they threw a temper tantrum when it was time to go with her. This makes mom cry and makes it that much harder on Jerry for them to go. Mom is not a mean person by anymeans to the kids, but they just prefer it here. After mom left with them we discussed other options of what to possibly do. The longer periods of time the kids spend with us, the less they like to go to moms. Once there though they are fine. And chances are when it is our time then they want to stay at moms. Anyway after them leaving when we were discussing this Jerry said that the ex does not have the money to pay the sitter this week. They take turns each week. He told her we could pay it. We can't pay it without running short of groceries or me doing without my blood pressure medicine. The ex has not paid one dime of babysitting since this past May. We have paid all of it. She has made no attempt to repay it either. So here is what I suggested: (1) If she can't pay for sitting any longer then she needs to make her own arrangments for finding someone to watch them the days they are to be picked up by her? We have never asked her to pay when it was our time. And we have never had the sitter call her if for some reason we are late picking them up. This has never happened but we do have backup if it does. She never takes responsibility for her kids. She always makes Jerry responsible and asks for him to do things. She passes the buck so to speak. And if she is the one who cannot pay the sitter then SHE needs to be the one to talk with the sitter about it. Not lay it upon Jerry to deal with. (2) I feel that the sitter needs to be told that she needs to contact mother if she is late on her days or get mother to give her someone elses name for backup. (3) We discussed the option of letting the kids stay here all week during school days and going to moms on the weekends only. This was my idea so that the kids would always make it to their functions and activities. Jerry says mom will never go for this and it would just make it harder for the kids to go to moms on the weekends. they woud cry more and make more of a scene and hurt mom's feelings. Due to the fact that they have been here for five days each week. We also discussed that they alternate each night of where they are at. But if we do this then chances are they won't make it to half if any of their activities. We just don't know what to do anymore. This upset Jerry's night horribly and mine as well. I hate to see him put through this. His night was spent then wondering how to tell the sitter she doesn't have the money to pay, or that she needs to work it out with mom. he worried about how the kids were. I just dont' know what to say to him anymore. I only want what is best for the kids and jerry. But when it comes to our money always being used to pay her bills I draw the line. I do feel I have say in this matter.

any suggestions or advice will be taken. Whether I agree with it or not. I just don't know what more to do if anything. :(

[ladymelissa]

You and Jerry should be on the same page, so make sure you discuss your position with him first. You are definitely within reason to make sure you have your BP meds and enough for food before giving even more to child care.

Call the daycare and make sure they have another back up number for the ex's weeks and tell them to use it if necessary.

It looks like you have the options clearly spelled out, you should present them first to Jerry and see what he has to say. If the kids are really better off with you all week and go to their mother's on weekends, then you should find a way to push for that, either speaking with their mom or taking legal action. This is a tough one.

[septemberbride06]

I am sort of in the same situation. Unfortuanately, when we met these wonderful men, we knew there were going to be things like this to deal with.
First off, if you have paid for babysitting since May, then I wouldn't worry about paying it,I mean I know that you guys feel bad, but why let her off the hook again? And as for the kids throwing a fit, I don't know how old they are, but my FH son is 4 and he throws fits for awhile. that is just a kid. As he grows, things will get better.
:bbmrgreen:

[LaceyinPgh]

It sounds to me like the ex wife pushes everything off on Jerry because she knows that he will take care of it for her. Why do the worl when someone else will do it for you for free, right? You and he need to sit down, make a plan, and stick to it. When she calls with some sob story he needs to put his foot down and tell her that things are tough all over. If she can't pick the kids up for whatever reason (emergencies do happen) she needs to provide and alternate, not just leave the kids there. She isn't going to be responsible until someone forces her to be.

[hummingbird521]

I agree that she needs to be made more responsible. But I can't seem to get this through to Jerry. I don't know how to make him put his foot down with her..He is such a nice man (sometimes i want to say patsy) that he can't seem to tell her no on things. I don't feel as if he is doing the kids any favors in the long run on this too. How can I get him to see that she needs to take more responsibility with her kids?

[ladymelissa]

How can I get him to see that she needs to take more responsibility with her kids?

Talk, talk and more talk, just continue to stress that fact. Eventually, you might be able to put your foot down more, such as making sure your needs are met before more money is given to child care. If there isn't much money left after you have your medications then that is less he has to give.

Or remove yourself from the situation, if the daycare calls and it is not your week to pick them up, you can either tell the daycare to call the other emergency contact and/or deal with the mom directly. You could also just not anwer the phone if you have caller ID. The daycare will not just leave the kids, but they may put the mom on notice and threaten to discontinue their services, forcing her to be more responsible. I hope things get better for you.

[countrygirl]

Hey Tresia, sorry to hear about your situation. I feel your pain though, as we have gone thru this ourselves.

My suggestions, hard as it would be, make it clear to the sitter that unless it is an emergency, she is not to contact you if mom is late. When the kids are with her, it is HER repsonsibility to take care of her kids. You are not back up for her and you are not the fall guy. If she can't do the norm for her kids, then she needs to look into other arrangements.

He also should explain to her that while it is difficult on the children when they are to go w her, she only makes it harder when she reacts to it. We dealt w this a bit, and all you can do is explain to them that they will see you again in a few days.

Unfortunatley, if she doesn't stop this, it's only going to hurt the kids worse. But you can't take the blame, and you can't back her up all of the time. It only enables her to use you more and more. It feels wrong sometimes, because you don't want the kids to suffer, but in the end, they will look back and see that you and Jerry did things right, and their mom didnt.

Sorry if I am long winded on this. We have just dealt w it alot, and I have very strong feelings about it.