Chris and Marisa - 06/15/2011

[PhoenixLove10]

We have always been together in our hearts even when we were apart since the day we met. Although we've always done everything the backwards, not normal way... we still love one another very much and are getting better at the whole planning thing :P That's what this journal is for.... our adventures in planning our wedding. The wedding date is set for August 2016 so we can save up while we are both finishing school. I'll copy and paste our story to the journal after I post this. It's a long post and I don't want to have to rewrite it all! lol. Here is a picture on the night of our engagement. And another picture of us just being silly. I plan to get cutesie pictures taken of just us and then with our son as well.

[PhoenixLove10]

Our story isn't a simple one to tell. We started off in the most unconventional way. And our relationship has been rocky from the start. But it's a love story nonetheless....

We met through a mutual friend, the first time I saw him I thought he was such a beautiful man, but I was only sixteen at the time and had no confidence and learned he was much older so I didn't make any moves or wish he would make moves.
We hung out in the same group of friends but never spoke for about a year. I would see him on the bus with his girlfriend at the time and would think "**** she is lucky! If only I had the guts to steal him away!"
I moved away from Ottawa (where we live now) for a couple months but then moved back. I was still dating a guy from Woodstock, but found out the guy was into some hard drugs and tried to break up with him. He said no. lol. I told him I was going to find someone else to cheat on him with so he would know that we were over.
I ended up finding CP on facebook and we started chatting on msn. This was just before my 17th birthday. Our song is "On the edge of seventeen" because of that. We met up the day after, it was supposed to just be a booty call but there was something there that neither of us could deny. He told me he loved me within a week and we began dating. Unfortunately, our personal issues at the time got in the way of us being together. I was dealing with an abusive past and had a lot of anger kept inside and didn't know how to handle my emotions. He wasn't getting what he needed from the relationship because of how I would react (explosively) so he cheated on me with his ex, and another girl. I broke up with him and so the cycle began. We would get back together, then I would break up with him. I was so drawn to him, but we both had these major issues to deal with and we were both young and didn't know how to deal with them. Our love was passionate and indestructible. We couldn't keep our hands off one another. I often questioned if what we had was just lust or infatuation, but just when I would find someone else... he would be sitting there in the back of my mind. I couldn't let go of him, and he couldn't let go of me.
The summer of 2007 I found out I was pregnant. He didn't have a lot going for him at the time so I told him for the sake of our child, I didn't want to be in a relationship with him. There was a lot of drama going on between us and misunderstandings. I ended up moving back to Woodstock with my mom, she convinced me that he didn't deserve to be in the baby's life and that I deserved to be taken care of. Turned out I ended up taking care of her more than she took care of me and my son though, so I eventually realized her advice wasn't sound and moved back to Ottawa. I did that after the first steps of the court process and trying to take full custody of my son. When I realized how skewed my mother's opinion was, I moved back to Ottawa so that my son could have a relationship with his daddy. After all, he was only five months when he met him and the word "dada" slipped out of his mouth as soon as he saw him.
I lived in a shelter with Damien for 6 months because I was living off welfare and had hardly any supports in the city. Plus, I was stubborn and independent and wanted to prove to everyone that I could make it on my own.
CP and I tried making it work when I first moved back, but he had been engaged to a girl he hardly knew and met off the internet. Once she denied our son though, he got rid of her quick. But the fact that someone so easily stole his heart made me insecure and I couldn't handle it- so I ran away from the relationship once again.
My heart was breaking though, every moment I had to deal with CP and his new gf and her little girl broke my heart. She had my family, and I wanted him back. And she treated him horribly. She was manipulative and cruel. She didn't deserve his sweet heart. So I took him back. I'm not ashamed to say that I seduced him and won his heart again. Despite everything we had gone through, our connection and spark survived it all. We put each other through hell and back.... There is no hell other than here on earth. And the people you care about most are the only ones who can put you through it.
We finally decided to restart our relationship, build it from the ground up. There was so much pain and resentment left over from our past, but we did our best to try and leave that all behind. October was when we started. Our first date was amazing, we connected like always. He made me laugh like nobody else could. But then the past caught up to me, not just my past with him but my childhood as well. I was diagnosed with depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and borderline traits. That was the hardest thing for me. I was now being told that I was mentally ill, but it made sense- it explained a lot. I ended up giving up on us again though- I believe that was in March. He did make some big mistakes again that triggered the past and I found it hard to forgive, I was dealing with the past and the present... I couldn't handle it all. So for the last time I ran away. And like each time I broke up with him before, I immediately tried to put a band-aid on the pain I felt from being away from him by finding other men to sleep with.
Nobody could compare to him though, and we again found our way back to one another. This time we were both sick of it all. We were tired of the back and forth, of the tiny lies to protect each other from what we did in the time that we were a part, of the pain and resentment we held onto and threw in each other's faces. So we let it all out. We worked through it (and still are) and he made me promise that this time... we were both going to stay and make it work.
It happened one night when we were just in bed laying in bed being us. The catalyst was me realizing that a ring he had bought me for Christmas that caused a huge fight was supposed to be an engagement ring. I had opened the pretty little box in front of his entire family and looked at him expectantly. When no words came from him I said a disappointed little "oh!" but exclaimed how much I loved it and kissed him on the cheek. He took that oh as disappointment in the ring and not the fact that he didn't say anything... so he lost his courage and said nothing. Later, when we were alone, I told him how angry I was that he would give me a ring without even saying anything. That's when our relationship kind of spiraled downward and my depression began. But a couple days before that night he proposed I was wearing the ring on my ring finger. I had switched it to that side because I went out with friends to a club for a birthday party and didn't want to get hit on. I kept it on that finger because it just fit so nicely. And when I mentioned this to CP he blushed and said he knew that, I had no idea that he was going to propose to me on Christmas. It's amazing what a miscommunication can do! I laughed and told him that I had a dream that he proposed to me with the ring again. He said he thought I didn't want to marry him.
"I would have said yes," I replied.
He looked surprised.
"It's always what I wanted!"
The night he proposed he was really hesitant. He even said,"I have no idea why I'm doing this right now!" Then he told me to make him a promise- that we would stay together and work through everything and anything that came our way. I said I promise. Then he pulled out the ring and I just looked at him in shock and asked,"are you...? oh my gosh!" He looked me in the eyes, his cheeks rosy red with nervousness and shyness, and asked if I would like to marry him. I ecstatically said yes as he slid the ring back onto my finger (I had taken it off earlier for *ahem* dishes... ) He apologized that the proposal wasn't more romantic and I assured him it was exactly what I wanted- just us being us ... a glimpse of our future together; of what we could have every night for the rest of our lives.
It's been hard since he proposed. We have been fighting a lot lately. We're stressed because it's the first time we've lived together as a couple. I'm a very independent person and have a hard time being told what to do and he is so go with the flow it drives me crazy sometimes. I've threatened to break up with him three times already, but he told me that if he leaves this time it's going to be for good- that he won't be able to come back. It's all or nothing this time... our forever has started. I have to stop being a coward and control freak and just let things play out. But I'm so terrified of my feelings for him. I'm so scared that I'm going to push him away. I'm afraid to get hurt. I'm terrified because I love him so much and I know how much he can hurt me. He is the only person who can create Hell. But at the same time, he is the only way to peace, and joy- he is my Heaven.

"I've found a world where love and dreams and darkness all collide
Maybe this time we can leave our broken world behind"
-Together Again by Evanescence

[PhoenixLove10]

Damien- to tame
Seth- appointed

Damien Seth~ our day, our love, our joy, our power, our hope
:hearts:

Wouldn't let me upload a picture of him :(