Divore-SIL-advice

[AllyM1]

My brother and his wife are getting divorced. They have been dating for 15 years and been married for 10. (They started dating when they were 15 & 17) My question or what I need advice on, is this is really hard for my SIL since my brother is the one who asked for the divorce, so should I still continue my relationship with her and let her talk to me about her feelings and such? Should I cut ties? I don't know how to go about this. I have known her since I was 7 years old so she has been a big part of my life.

Does anyone have any advice? I just never have dealt with this before and I don't know what to expect.

[LaceyinPgh]

She is your friend right? Would you cut off contact with a friend who was getting a divorce? Of course not. Why should she be different? It is possible to stay friends with your sil. Just make sure that she understands that there are ground rules: you aren't going to give her ANY info on your brother. You aren't going to tell her what he is doing or saying. The same rules apply with the brother, no talking about the sil, no exceptions. Listen to her. Give her advice. Be her friend. Talk about how the divorce is going and how things are holding up for her. Just no talking about your brother.

[Kacie_bride]

I agree with Lacey. If she is your friend now, she should still be your friend. She probably could really use you as her friend. She is already having a hard enough time. It would make it even harder if you were to cut ties with her.

[hummingbird521]

I agree with what Lacey and Kacey says. Gee didn't mean to rhyme here. But they are correct. If she is a friend then there is no reason to loose this friendship. It would be much harder for her and you as well to completely cut ties. I am still friends with my ex sister in laws and am glad we stayed this way. Over the years we are not as close as once were, but I believe this is probably natural.

[AllyM1]

Thank you Lacey, Kacie, and Treasia. After I read Lacey's reply last night I thought more about it and NOT talking to my sil would be the worst possible thing I could do to her.

She only has brothers so my sister and I were her little sisters and if we just stopped talking to her it would be even more hard on her. I will still talk to her, and like Lacey said, I won't mention anything about what my bro is doing and vice versa when I'm with my brother.

Thanks again...

[WebLady]

I feel like the other ladies, I'd remain friends with her and just not talk about your brother and not take sides. How does your brother feel about you being friends with her? Are you and your brother close?

Divorce can get nasty, just don't let either of them try to put you in the middle or pull you away from the other.

[rainbowtreat]

I have been in that same situation. Only I was the one going through it. My ex and I were together since he was 17 and I was 15. We dated for about 7 years and then married almsot 5. Together a total of 12 years. Needless to say his family was a big part of my life as mine was in his. My mom and sister still send him a b-day card every year. I still talk to his mom even when I dont have the kids with me I will stop over once in a while. I can still talk to his sister and do now and then. My brother was onnly 2 when he and I got toether and he is now 16. So he wants to see my ex when he can. And my ex takes him when he is here visiting and does stuff with him. It can work for both parties involved. Every one jsut has to be adults about it. I think if you two are such good freinds then you would want to be there for her. I can talk to my ex's sister about him if need be because she knows how he is and knows how to make me understand him a little better maybe or just agree with me because she knows. It can work out. I think she will need you.

[septemberbride06]

I don't know, I mean wouldn't that make your brother a little uncomfortable if say you had a party or BBQ at your house, and they were both invited?
My step-mom's ex comes to all her family's events, and I know it does bother my dad alot. I know the situations aren't the same, but they are similar.

I do agree that you could still hang-out but as far as them being in the same room, I would make sure it is okay with your brother first.

[AllyM1]

To put it in perspective... My bro is 10 years older than me so when he was 17 and I was 7 they started dating. I am now 22. So for 15 years she has been basically an older sister to me. We are very close and talk all the time. She helped me out tremendously with my wedding.... she bought a lot of things and helped me get ready, did the guestbook, etc. I am very close with my bro as well.

Personally, I feel my brother is being horrible about this. I would think after 15 years with someone you could work things out. There is no violence, no cheating, nothing really wrong except they argue a lot. They have a three year old daughter together.

My bro told her he didn't want to try to work things out and she told him that she can't imagine her life without him. It's going to be hard for me not to pick her side.

I thought about calling her and basically saying something like this...

"I heard from Mom about what's going on with you and Bryan (yes my DH and bro have the same name) and I just wanted to let you know that I will be here for you whenever you need me. You have my number and you know where I live. I don't want you to feel just because you are not with my brother anymore that you and I cannot have a relationship. You have been a sister to me for 15 years and you are the mother of my neice. You and I will always be close, no matter what. Just remember that I am here for you whenever you need me..."

Something like that... would that sound okay?

[Valmai]

That sounds great to me! x

[LaceyinPgh]

I think that sounds fine. I'm sorry she is going through this. Just make sure you don't take it out on your brother though. He isn't doing it to hurt her on purpose. He just wants to make himself happy.

[rainbowtreat]

I think that sounds fine. I'm sorry she is going through this. Just make sure you don't take it out on your brother though. He isn't doing it to hurt her on purpose. He just wants to make himself happy.


It sound sjust like my sistuation and I was the one asking for the divorce. There may be alot of factors that you dont know about. I know there were things my family and his didnt know about so our divorce may have seemed like it didnt need to happen. All any one saw was that we argued alot. His fmaily is still his family and they all still treat me like I am part of the family. i dont go to the family events any more but that is part because we are both with other people. But as talking and staying friends or staying in touch we do. I have his neice staying the night tonight. She is 16 and her uncle and I got together when she was only 2. So she was saying tonight that she hoped that my husband woundt mine that she still calls me Aunt Gwen. Of course he doesnt.

I dont mean to make this about me I just wanted to let you know that things can work out between you and her and it may not be difficult for your brother. If it is I am sure you can work around it. Good luck.

[Kacie_bride]

Sounds great to me!

[mariaandmanish]

I think that would be a great way of putting it, Ally. My BiL was with his exgf for 5 years and she broke up with him, and while we rarely see each other, we keep in touch through email. I think that once you're close with someone, you need to keep close with them. I wish you the best of luck with this, and can only offer the advice that you try to not offer any information about your bro to her, and that if she's talking about the divorce, just listen without giving advice.