step children (soon to be) problems please advise!!

[soon2bewed705]

I am getting ready to marry a wonderful man the problem?? 2 of his 3 children don't like me one of them actually told my son she hates me and her father and wishes we would both die. I know she is only 13 and that is a hard time for a girl but how should I deal with this? My feelings are more than a little hurt. I have tried and tried with these girls and I am at whits end. I am considering postponing the wedding. I don't want to but I am not sure I am going to be the right step-mom for these kids. Please anyone with experience in this matter help me!! Thank you!!

I would talk to your wonderful man before you decide to postpone the wedding. See how he feels, etc.

After 26 years my mother and father called it quits one day out of the blue. Even as an adult I find it strange if not discomforting to see my parents dating other people. As I am a adult I am able to control my feeling and thoughts and see that it is my parents lives not my own, and who they decide to spend their remaining years with is their decision.

Knowing how troubled I was as a teen LOL, I can see how his children/teens can act this way as they feel that someone from the outside is coming into their life that they have no say in, but they do not see that it is the same process that their mother and father came together at one time and had them as it was an event that happen before they where around in most cases. Thus they accepted it.

You could also be seeing outside forces. ie the mother telling the children things to make thim not like you, because she does not like the idea that her ex has found another love and is moving on.

My personal recommendation it to put aside childish things and enjoy your life (ie. Get married to him!), because you only have one life to live and if you do not go do the things that you want and feel right about you will only live a life of regret.

[stoneysgirl]

I have 2 stepchildren. They are 7 and 2 so we have some time until they get into the teenage stage. I do act as a disciplinarian as well. I have two children of my own that are the same age and I refuse to treat them differently. We have decided that we are both right to have a say in their lives. Deciding on common basic things can save a lot in a stepparent/child relationship. It is rough on her and who knows what others are telling her. Good luck! Don't give up!

[fotogrllt]

I was involved with a man who had two children, ages 5 & 8, that also hated me. Problem was he allowed the kids to walk all over me. No matter what I did the kids were disrespectful and abusive. Now if your fiance is doing all he can to not allow the child to be disruptive, and he stands with you in discipline methods, than eventually the disruptive child will have to conform. The key here is the father and him being firm and not giving in. Remember, you and him are the adults, she is the child. If it need be and you can afford it, she may need one of those programs or a military school to learn discipline. Also, counseling should be in order, because from my experience, if dad does not take care of the situation, you will be pulling your hair out and it will lead to fights throughout the marriage. Additionally, when I divorced my second husband, our son went and lived with him. My son would call and complain about my ex's new wife and I would say, "you want to live there, you follow the rules. If you don't live those rules, then you can come back and live under my rules." Consequently, I did not have much of a problem with my son.

[soon2bewed705]

My Fiance' is very good to not allow the girls to walk all over me but they are only here every other weekend and on Wed. so it is hard for me to keep up with the bad things their mother has been putting in their heads all week long. She is re-married to the man she was cheating with so I really don't understand why she would even care that her x is getting married again and it has been 5 years since they got divorced so I can't understand why she wants to do this to the kids. It is really only hurting them in the long run. Thanks for the advice!!
:lol:

[iluvweddings]

You have to understand that they are children. It's difficult and it really doesn't matter how nice or sincere you are about their father, or them for that matter.
Often times children feel like, if they make friends with you (the enemy) that means they don't love their mother anymore. They are not mature enough to know that it's okay.
I say this because I did it for so long to my stepfather (even though, he primarily took care of me - financially and physically when my father was never there). I treated him so unfairly because I didn't want my dad to think I liked him better or anything like that.

GOOD LUCK!

I don't think you should postpone the wedding, hoping that the children will start to like you better, because that may not be true for a few years.

[smweddings]

I agree with everyone here...your fiance needs to be the peacemaker and the moderator here. He needs to lay down the law and enforce the rules.

You? Be Miss Mary Sunshine as much as you can. Find things that the children like to do...their hobbies...their favorite games...their favorite movies...favorite foods. And shower them with love...eventually, you'll win and the mother will lose her campaign to destroy your relationship with them.

Keep your head up!! And marry that man!! :)

[stoneysgirl]

I agree with another poster. The children are not mature enough to understand that they can love their mother and you at the same time. My stepkids are great and the oldest has told us that she wants us to get married. My children agree. They understand that there are two different households and that it is okay for them to love me and to love their mom. But at the same time, their mom and I get along and don't try to play games. The most important thing is the kids and we all agree on that. Good luck!!

[SueMartin]

I am the step mother to 2 girls.. 1 is 18, and the other is 12.. the 12 year old ignores me. so every 2nd weekend I struggle to make conversation.

But I am dealing with it... I speak to her, she ignores me, and I just smile..

her dad is the peacemaker, but I refuse to get upset..

[As You Wish]

Being a step mother is one of the hardest things I have ever done. My step son already feels torn between his Mother and Father, now there is someone else in the mix. One of the best things I ever did was establish that I will never be his mother, but I am the mother of this home.

I also let my husband know that while I expect him to put his son first while he is a child; I don’t want a child ruling our life together. It’s a delicate balance.

[CarlosHoney]

As a step child, the best advice I can give to any step parent is this:

Be on their side. Smweddings says to shower them with love. That's exactly what to do. It's hard to hate someone who consistantly is nice to you and does things for you that biological parents don't do. My dad has been married 7 times now. The ones that we all liked the best were the ones who didn't try to discipline us, didn't take sides with our Dad when the situation was unfair, and made us our favorite foods and had things for us to do that we liked. When I moved in with my dad, I was 12. Step Mom had pizza and soda prepared for dinner and had baked some cookies for everyone to indulge in afterward.

She teamed up with me to rent movies that I wanted to watch that Dad wouldn't agree with (Rocky Horror Picture Show, Cheech and Chong's Nice Dreams, To Wong Foo) and on Homecomming night get me out of serious trouble. I was 3 hours late coming home and she bailed me out completely.

She was an ally, and acted much more like a friend than a parent. I talk to her still, even though they were divorced.

It takes a while, but just be nice. Even if they give you resistance, be nice. They already have a mom, you don't have to play that role.

[bnd94]

I think Carlo's honey has the best advice. My parents are divorced but still live together.....long story!! But she's right it's hard to hate someone who is nice to you. I know it will be hard and you may need to talk to your FH about it because he may not like it if you go behind his back and side with them. Good luck. I really hope it all works out. I wouldn't postpone the wedding because that is what the kids probably want to happen and if you do they will think they will always get their way if they behave this way.

[rainbowtreat]

I am on both sides here. I have been the step child and my children are going to have a step dad.

I have had a step dad and a step mom. for me I knew my step mom before her and my real dad were married. ( actully before i met him but thats another story ) Knowing her already made it easy for me to go visit him. I thought my step dad was my dad for a long time. I was too young to remmeber.

My mom had a boy friend at one time that she never marreid but he was there and as I was a young teen ager I didnt want to listen to him. So I didnt much.

My step mom had 3 boys. I saw it a differnt way then. She let my real dad take over as the disaplinary in the family. It caused alot of fights. The boys were all teen agers or about at that age. They still saw their real dad from time to time. So they fought with my real dad for years. I dont think she should have just let him take over. But things have worked out. They are still marreid and the boys are all grown up now. They do respect him and take him as part of their family. They see how happy their mom is and are thankful for that. They see how he takes care of her and that he will for years to come.

My kids are young ( 4 and 6 ) so its like they have 2 dads. They see their dad just about every weekend or atleast when he doesnt have to work he takes them. My FH helps me out alot. He has taken them as his own. They call him by his name but to them he is the father figure.

I don't agree that you should be soley their freind and not a parent but they do have a mom. They need to know that you are not going any where. You are going to be there for a very long time and no matter how mean they are to you it will not make you want to leave. Tell her that you love her dad and that you are not trying to be her mom but that this is your house as well as her dads. Tell her if she doesnt like you that is fine that you still like her. Let her know that even though she may not like you that if she ever needs to talk and doesn think she can tell her mom or dad that you will listen. ( this may be when she is a little older )

I say give it time. Dont get too stressed about it. Getting marreid to her dad will just show her that you are not going any where. So you know if hse was this same way with her step dad before they were marreid? And if she changed at all afterwards?

Stick to your guns. Kids grow up. And as you said she is only there on weekends and one night during the week. You have your time with out her.

You can still do some of her favorite things like her favorite meal or movie and if she doesnt think much of it now she will. Before long she will be coming to you with things she doesnt think she can tell her mom or dad and ask your advice.

Good luck with what ever you decide. But dont let this get in the way of you getting marreid. That might be what she wants. If that is the case she wins and then what. It will get worse.

Hope this helped you even a little bit.

Rainbowtreat