Just cold feet?

[Allie22]

I've been dating my fiance for almost five years and I never had any doubts about our relationship until we FINALLY got engaged. It seems like this is the time that I have been waiting for, but now I am scared out of my mind. He is my first love, we started dating when I was 17 and I didn't really date much before him.

My question is - is this normal cold feet? I'm driving myself CRAZY![/b]

[LaceyinPgh]

Well, what specifically are you worried about? Have you talked your concers over with him and other people that you are close to? It is normal to be a little anxious with an engagement. It is a big step to take in life. I would think about my concerns and then voice them to him. You could also have a long engagement over a year or two to test the waters. That could help to calm you down. Sometimes just the thought of planning a wedding in a short amount of time can send a bride over the edge.

[Jenn060306]

I don't know if it is considered normal or not, but i have felt very scared as well. It sounds like you and i are alot alike. I met my Future husband when i was 17 and we got engaged after dating for 5 years as well. He was my first love, and the only guy i ever seriously dated.
I do get scared some days about everything that is happening, and thinking about my future. But we have talked alot, and he is very supportive.
There are alot of things changing in your life, take each day as it comes and be honest with your feelings. Take your time with the planning of your wedding and enjoy the time you and your fiance have together engaged.
- Jenn

[stoneysgirl]

It is completely normal. You have a lot of things and changes going on at once. Not to mention you are planning another big change in your life! I was a little worried but I talked to my fiancee and he was very supportive and drowned out any fear I had. We are just enjoying our time together. If we have an issue we have decided early on that it would be brought to the table and dealt with accordingly. We have developed great communication. We also don't get mad when the other is telling their feelings. We just talk it out while cuddling. It seems to be the best approach for us. We can express our true feelings without the fear of being ridiculed for it. Good luck!!!! Maybe you need a break from wedding planning!

[sstark1218]

This is great advice! My fiance and I decided the same thing ourselves. Anything that comes up, whether financially, emotionally, or whatever it is, we talk about it then. This more than anything else has calmed my nerves about planning our big day! Listen to these girls, they know what they're talking about! Good Luck!

[soon2bewed705]

I THINK it is sort of normal at least I hope so!! I am getting married this July and I have known my fiance for 20 years but we have only been dating (this time) for a little over a year. We went out years ago and I think we are supposed to be together but the closer we get to "the big day" the more scared I get!! This isnt the 1st time down the aisle for either of us so I feel like this time it HAS to work! Good luck!! Stop worrying snd enjoy your day in the spotlight!! 8)

[Sweet_Girl]

I'm really hoping that stress is normal before a wedding cause I've sure had alot of it here lately. I'm getting married in September and the more the months go by I get a little scared.. But I think alot of mine is I'm just trying to get everything done and not taking time out to relax. But this is my frist wedding and I want everything to go good. Even though everyone I talk to keeps telling me to relax and things will work out. I guess I'm just scared that I'm going to forget something.. and plus it's a big step to get married and live with someone for the rest of your life.

[LaceyinPgh]

I found this article on one of my other message boards. ( I admit I am a message board cheater :D ) I hope that it can help some of you trying to decide if it is cold feet or silly wedding stress.



How to Know When Nerves Are Just Cold Feet and When it's Time to Cancel

Cold Feet -- pre-wedding jitters -- bridal nerves. Call it what you what you will, most brides and grooms are nervous before a wedding. If you're feeling cold feet, try to relax and explore your feelings. Figuring out what's behind them will either lead you to a stronger and healthier marriage or save you from making a giant mistake. Either way, the time to deal with cold feet is now.

The Difference Between Cold Feet and Serious Problems:
A general sense of nervousness about a wedding is normal – after all it's a life-altering step that you're taking. If you're feeling nervous and yet still excited, it's probably just the pre-wedding jitters.

Serious Problems that Should Cause you to Call Off the Wedding

If you've discovered that your future spouse has a drug or alcohol problem and is not in recovery

If your future spouse has been violent towards you

If either one of you has been unfaithful or deceitful

If thinking about the wedding has given you feelings of dread rather than happiness for more than a month

If you differ on whether or not to have children

The majority of your friends don't like your future spouse

If you're only going through with it because you will be too embarrassed to call it off, or you're worried about hurting your fiancé.

Don't Let Wedding Planning Stress Become Cold Feet
Try to differentiate between being stressed about wedding planning and being stressed about the marriage.

Worrying about small details doesn't mean that you shouldn't marry the person you love; instead, perhaps it's a sign that you need more help or that you should scale down the event. There's always the option of eloping!

Strategies for Overcoming Cold Feet
Spend some time writing down your fears. You may find that once they are on paper, they become silly. If not, write down possible solutions to each problem, should it become true. For example, fears over a loss of identity could have solutions such as not changing your name, taking up new hobbies, or reserving one night a week post-marriage for "girls night" or "boys night."

Differentiate whether your cold feet are stress over getting married in general, or questions about this specific relationship.

Take a break from wedding planning – it will all be there when you're ready to move on.

Designate at least one night weekly as a "wedding-free zone" where you do not talk about the wedding at all.

Spend some time writing about the happiest moments of your relationship, perhaps including your first dates, when you fell in love, and the story of your engagement.

Write down all the good things about being a married person.

Talk to happily married couples and ask them the secrets of their success.

Visit an individual or couples therapist.

Talk to your priest, rabbi, or a trusted friend.

Rekindle the romance – go away for a romantic weekend, make dinner for each other, spend time pampering one another.

When Your Future Spouse is the One with Cold Feet
Your fiancé's doubts can be extremely hurtful and hard to deal with. If the shoe is on the other foot, do your best to understand that it's not necessarily about you or their feelings for you, but may instead be many of the things we've discussed above. Ultimately, you want your fiancé to be confident as he walks down the aisle that you're the one, but try not to panic or put undue pressure on your loved one. You can steer hi to articles such as this one and ask him to go to couples counseling with you. You may also wish to postpone the wedding until you are both equally sure that this is the right step for you.

[grace_smith03]

I started getting some serious chilly feet until I read the Conscious Bride's Wedding Planner. (not so much a planner as a book that reassures brides that they are normal, and the feelings that go along with the wedding)

In any case, I started doubting this, every small fight was seen thru a jaundiced eye (oh, lord, is THIS how it's always going to be?!) etc. I mean, little things would get blown out of proportion. I started to settle down and realize that this was normal behavior, and it affected me less and less. I must admit the book helped me a great deal.

So, the long answer. You are completely normal. People don't say "yes" lightly. If you felt "yes" in the beginning, you are still there; the anxiety is clouding it...everything will be fine. :)

GL!