Who pays?

[WeFinallySayIDo]

Okay, something has been bothering me. No one seems excited, everybody has basically said the same thing "well you already live together, it was the next logical step", there seems to be only one (non family) couple that is SO super excited for us.

But anyways, my parents are paying for the reception hall, I am paying for my dress, and my mom would like to know who all is paying for what all. Well, we don't expect any help from his family because they A) haven't offered and B) we know his family, they wont offer to help. So we pretty much know this will be on us. And I refuse to make my parents pay a lot of money for this and that when his wont help.

My question is; am I missing something? Is this normal? (the grooms family not even offering to pay) Do people still go by the tradition of "the bride's family pays for it all"? I just don't know how we are going to pull this off without anyones help. I am my parents only daughter, my dad will be going on unemployment (his plant closes this month) and yet they can manage to help. All his family works and not one offer. He's only the third one to get married in his family.

I feel SO dejected and like no one cares; I thought people would be excited not "ho hum, that's lovely...so what are you doing today?"

I live an hour and a half from my Mom and I already feel like she is trying to dominate it all. Telling me that she can make all the decorations/center pieces/etc and I'm sorry but I don't want her to do all of it. I have a woman helping me with the actual planning and I want to get her, my mom, and I together to talk ideas. I was also thinking about getting the women together to go down to a flower and craft barn to get some ideas and get everyone together. I just have all these ideas in my head, that I/WE want and I know my Mom will turn it into what SHE wants, whether she realizes it or not.

On the money note, I was thinking of getting his Mom/Grandparents together with my Parents and having them hash out who pays what; if anything.

But help, I'm so new to this =(

[gwenshack]

I think that happens a lot. You are living this every day, and everyone else doesn't seem as jazzed about it. But I think they all sort of think of it as something really far off - as the time draws near I guarantee your family will get more excited and giddy. :heart:

As for money, I think more and more the couple pays for the wedding. The bride's family springing for the big day is less and less the norm. Do the groom's parents contribute? Sometimes. My in-laws didn't offer any money, and I didn't expect they would. But when my brother got married my mom paid for more than half of his wedding.

Each wedding's funding is going to be different. ;)

I hope you're able to hash something out, but don't be surprised if you don't get help from all parties involved.

:goodluck:

[WeFinallySayIDo]

I think that happens a lot. You are living this every day, and everyone else doesn't seem as jazzed about it. But I think they all sort of think of it as something really far off - as the time draws near I guarantee your family will get more excited and giddy. :heart:

As for money, I think more and more the couple pays for the wedding. The bride's family springing for the big day is less and less the norm. Do the groom's parents contribute? Sometimes. My in-laws didn't offer any money, and I didn't expect they would. But when my brother got married my mom paid for more than half of his wedding.

Each wedding's funding is going to be different. ;)

I hope you're able to hash something out, but don't be surprised if you don't get help from all parties involved.

:goodluck:

Our wedding is only 6 months away =/ and they are the ones that hounded us and hounded us about when we were getting married.

I'm also thinking of making a rule, one that says "no one is allowed to butt in with their opinions about anything unless they help pay" LOL

Thank you for your reply.

[dearmissie]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Realistically I think a lot of couples now a days pay for their own wedding. And I'd say tradition is out the door because in DF's tradition (as well as most of the Westerners I know) where the Bride's family pays for it all, in my culture the groom pays for it all and also when asking for the daughter's hand in marriage, come with a dowry. And that def. didn't happen!! My Dad didn't get offered a cow, ox, horse, or any other form of currency.

I suggest not having the meeting for everyone to hash things out. If his parents/family isn't offering/wanting/can help then what good would the meeting be?? Honest I think it will be dreaded; awkward, and just plain ol' uncomfortable. Someone I am very close who I'll call D did this with his family and his Fiancee's B's family. No good came from it. Instead I strained the two families, the two families hate each other now (never ever spoke to each other since that meeting) and his whole family thinks reall negatively to his wife and her family. Really it was a mess. Even now years after the weddings, there are still unresolved issues and they all still don't talk.

Up to you, but I would heavily rethink the meeting. Ask yourself if it's really worth all the drama tearing apart a family (in case it gets to that level). Also, brainstorm are there any alternatives?? Maybe you both can go to his family and ask them privately (much better than ambushing them with other people there making them feel cornered and uncomfortable. I
Sure they'll appreciate that more)?? Or there's always the option of just paying for it yourself??

As far as your Mom is concerned, I think that's awesome that she wants to help. However, if you are scared she'll take over your wedding and make it "her" wedding, then I suggest sitting down with her and sharing your visiion with her. Maybe she'll agree with you. But whatever happens, make sure you gently remind her it's your wedding. And remind yourself that too!! They already had th chance for their dream wedding, and if they really want whatever it is, they can simply get remarried themselves. Haha!!

Beat of luck sweetie. Keep us updated!!

[WeFinallySayIDo]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Realistically I think a lot of couples now a days pay for their own wedding. And I'd say tradition is out the door because in DF's tradition (as well as most of the Westerners I know) where the Bride's family pays for it all, in my culture the groom pays for it all and also when asking for the daughter's hand in marriage, come with a dowry. And that def. didn't happen!! My Dad didn't get offered a cow, ox, horse, or any other form of currency.

I suggest not having the meeting for everyone to hash things out. If his parents/family isn't offering/wanting/can help then what good would the meeting be?? Honest I think it will be dreaded; awkward, and just plain ol' uncomfortable. Someone I am very close who I'll call D did this with his family and his Fiancee's B's family. No good came from it. Instead I strained the two families, the two families hate each other now (never ever spoke to each other since that meeting) and his whole family thinks reall negatively to his wife and her family. Really it was a mess. Even now years after the weddings, there are still unresolved issues and they all still don't talk.

Up to you, but I would heavily rethink the meeting. Ask yourself if it's really worth all the drama tearing apart a family (in case it gets to that level). Also, brainstorm are there any alternatives?? Maybe you both can go to his family and ask them privately (much better than ambushing them with other people there making them feel cornered and uncomfortable. I
Sure they'll appreciate that more)?? Or there's always the option of just paying for it yourself??

As far as your Mom is concerned, I think that's awesome that she wants to help. However, if you are scared she'll take over your wedding and make it "her" wedding, then I suggest sitting down with her and sharing your visiion with her. Maybe she'll agree with you. But whatever happens, make sure you gently remind her it's your wedding. And remind yourself that too!! They already had th chance for their dream wedding, and if they really want whatever it is, they can simply get remarried themselves. Haha!!

Beat of luck sweetie. Keep us updated!!

The sad but true part is, we by ourselves cannot foot an entire wedding bill (we just bought a house in November). We don't even want them paying for anything super expensive. I am trying to go as inexpensive as humanly possible. I appreciate that his family will help make food but so is my family. I guess I'm just irritated/in shock that they've been begging us to get married, so we finally set a date and now no one wants to help. Like wth?

We prepared ourselves to try to pay for it ourselves and I know we shouldn't have our feelings hurt that we have to but it still hurts, yanno?

As for the meeting, I wouldn't shove them all in a room and make them fight to the death, my Mom is actually pretty good about opening a dialog with people and getting peoples opinions. I'd have faith in knowing that the worst that could happen would be no one agrees, but that they walked out ok with each other.

[dearmissie]

The sad but true part is, we by ourselves cannot foot an entire wedding bill (we just bought a house in November). We don't even want them paying for anything super expensive. I am trying to go as inexpensive as humanly possible. I appreciate that his family will help make food but so is my family. I guess I'm just irritated/in shock that they've been begging us to get married, so we finally set a date and now no one wants to help. Like wth?

We prepared ourselves to try to pay for it ourselves and I know we shouldn't have our feelings hurt that we have to but it still hurts, yanno?

As for the meeting, I wouldn't shove them all in a room and make them fight to the death, my Mom is actually pretty good about opening a dialog with people and getting peoples opinions. I'd have faith in knowing that the worst that could happen would be no one agrees, but that they walked out ok with each other.

I know what you mean, I hate it when people expect you to do something so exact but they don't offer any help (even volunteering to help, not just financially). And I know what you mean about being on a budget due to having a home. We are in the middle of furniture shopping for our home and you'd think the "home" is the hard part, but it's also filling up that home!! Life is so expensive, especially living in California and even tougher, living in San Francisco!! But I think you can def. have a slamming wedding on a budget. So many of the ladies here have done it!!

As for not shoving them all in the room and making them fight to the death, we all know D himself and D's Dad are very open calm people. They can talk to anyone. They have been managers for multi-billion dollar companies and have talked to THOUSANDS of people in a day. They are very relaxed, easy, calm, and very good speakers esp. when it's about a tough situation. However, the meeting didn't go as planned at all. Even professional trained people such as them couldn't salvage that meeting. I feel bad for them. Kudos if your family is able to hold up and not let a meeting like that tear them apart. :yesnod::yesnod:

[The Proper Wedding]

Personally I would just sit down with his family first and ask them if they are willing to help. That's exactly what we did. We ended up getting some money from DH's dad, but of course none from his mom (and that was to be expected, knowing the way she is). Had we not asked, we probably wouldn't have gotten that extra little bit of money. We did do it mostly traditionally. My parents paid for everything can could, we picked up the rest. His parents paid for alcohol (actually don't think that's traditionally the groom's family but they agreed to it) and the food we ate while decorating the hall the day before. Had his mother contributed we would have had an actual rehearsal dinner like we wanted (which is traditionally groom's family).

Once you get the to agree, then I'd get them together with your family and let them talk details, who's going to pay for what exactly. Have a list of everything that needs to be paid for, so they can see how much or how little they're actually contributing!

Good luck with however you decide to go about it! :)

[mj512]

I'm sorry they don't seem all that excited about it. Hopefully as it gets closer they excitement will set it.

We were pretty traditional. My parents paid for the wedding and reception, DH's family paid for the rehearsal dinner and we paid for our honeymoon. It just kind of fell that way, it was never really discussed a whole lot.

Hopefully you guys can get it worked out so that you don't have to stress about it. If you end up paying for most of it yourselves you should check out our DIY section, we've got some ladies that have done some great things there!

[girlggc]

I'm sorry about the excitement issue.

As for the money issue. My parents footed the whole bill for my wedding. My mil kept saying we should have this and we should have that but didn't pay for a thing. When asked if they wanted to pay for the alcohol, my inlaws nearly had a fit. Needless to say, my parents covered the alcohol. The only thing my inlaws paid for was the rehearsal dinner and the bridal shower. They paid for my shower because my sil was my MOH and was unemployed at the time.

[KMS]

I think the financial situation just differs from couple to couple. I don't think that family members are really expected to pay anything anymore. If parents, grandparents, etc can and want to help, they do. We had very little money when we got married so we probably put less than $1,000 towards our wedding while groom's side paid over $9K and my dad paid $2,000-$3,000. That's just how much that all parties could afford and wanted to give.

I really hope that the people in your life get excited about your union! Regardless if the couple lives together prior or not, it's a huge step in commitment and more than just a piece of paper. It's a promise, a very meaningful one, that should be celebrated accordingly. I hope that your joy is contagious very soon!

[Lshard]

Ugh I don't blame you. I'm kinda in the same boat and while my family isn't finacially well off their still helping. I mean I could understand if they can't help with money but would a little emotional support kill them? I mean seriously. Living in this day and age most brides usually rely on themselves but I believe that a wedding is a family affair and not just for the couple. It's about families getting together and celebrating. After all it is a big deal and if they can't pay than perhaps they can host a family dinner where both sides can get together and know each other before the big day.

I'd be happy if my FMIL simply invited me out to a cup of coffee or asked to meet my mom. So for the most part his family is staying out of it. I'll be honest I do get alittle resentful. My mother is going out of her way to make the effort and so should his. Perhaps it would be best if you had the groom talk to his mother and ask if she is at all willing to help. Even if it's something incredibly small. But look at it this way you do have some time before the big day so there is a chance. Good Luck

[Crystal Rose]

Your situation is very typical with modern weddings unfortunately, especially with the economy in the shape it is.

If you feel the need to find out if your in-laws will chip in, let your fiance approach his family with that. It will be much easier for him than you, and you don't want to become an adversary with your soon to be in-laws.

But these days you really can't let yourself expect too much.

If it helps, here is how a wedding is "traditionally" paid for, but remember today, there are typically no rules regarding the financial responsibilities of who pays for what.

Cultural backgrounds and individual convictions heavily influence the decision of the division of wedding expenses. The question of who pays for what really comes down to who is most willing and able and it may be the bride, groom or either of their families.

The key is to communicate and to be realistic and courteous.

Traditionally...

THE BRIDE pays for: The wedding ring for the groom; The wedding gift for the groom; Gifts for her attendants; Accommodations for her out of town attendants (optional); Personal stationery; Bridesmaids' luncheon

THE BRIDE'S FAMILY pays for: The costs of the reception; Bride's wedding attire and Trousseau; Photographer; Videographer; Music; Wedding cake; Organist, soloist and ceremony costs; Transportation for bridal party on Wedding day from ceremony to reception; Rental of Sanctuary or Chapel; Invitations, announcements, thank you notes; Bridesmaids, flower girl, ring bearer flowers and accessories; All gratuities for all services: parking, security, reception staff, etc.; Engagement and Wedding Photographs; Aisle Carpets, canopy, tents and any additional decorating costs; Wedding consultant

THE GROOM pays for: The bride's rings including the Engagement ring; The wedding gift for the bride; Gifts for Best Man and ushers; The marriage license; The honeymoon; Accommodations for out of town groomsmen (optional); Fee for clergy or judge; The boutonnieres for men in wedding party; The mother's corsages and other special ladies flowers; Bride's going away corsage; The bride's bouquet and throw away bouquet at the reception; Gloves, ties and accessories for the men in the wedding party

THE GROOM'S FAMILY pays for: The rehearsal dinner; Travel and lodging expenses; Shipment of Wedding gifts to the couple's home; Groom's formal wear and accessories; Wedding gift for the newlyweds; Clothing for the wedding

THE ATTENDANTS pay for: Their wedding clothes; Travel expenses; Wedding gift for the newlyweds

Best of Luck in your planning,

Jay
Crystal Rose

[tangled_poison_ivy]

I think you could ask your fiancé to talk to his family and ask if they could contribute. They'll likely be more receptive to their son than to your mom. What I told both sides was that if they were going to invite 100 people that I and FH don't know than they were going to have to help contribute. Both sides agreed, and offered extra. It just hadn't been something they'd thought of before.

[Nekochanpurr]

I can only give you advice off what i did.. When i planned my wedding, i assumed the budget was just going to be my husband and i. No one else really contributed when i figured out where we were having it, time, day, etc. My husbands parents did help us later on (thank goodness) but its better if its not assumed. If they are going to help, they will say something.. I just think it might be in bad taste to ask.

[Lshard]

It's not even about finances really. It's about respect and honor. My fiance mentioned to his mother about getting together for coffee or maybe even dinner and she turned us down. Even if we offered to pay. The last time I saw her was at Christmas. Other than that she hasn't said a peep. My family has gone out of their way to make my fiance welcome and I just wish they'd do the same for me. Or at the very least my fiance. They haven't said a peep to him and I suppose thats what makes it worse. We even went out of the way to get not only her blessing but got her a lovely groom bear for Christmas (we got my mother a bride bunny rabbit). Honestly if this the way it's going to be I don't look forward to seeing them at the wedding.

[muguet]

My question is; am I missing something? Is this normal? (the grooms family not even offering to pay) Do people still go by the tradition of "the bride's family pays for it all"?

Yes, many groom's families still believe that, for whatever reason. In my case, my MIL is set for life financially, yet she said that she's not sure if she will be able to afford to pay for the rehearsal dinner...I don't care, we were counting on paying for it anyway.

For me, while I'm not actually annoyed if my fiance's family doesn't contribute or offer to pay (and I'm expecting many guests who are his family members will give little or nothing, especially compared to what my family members give, but so be it), what does annoy me is comments my FMIL has made, criticizing our idea of a honeymoon registry as being tacky, and why should we register when we already have everything (not true, btw, we could really use some things - of course everything I've mentioned that we would like, she argues with). It's like, thanks lady, for implying that I don't deserve anything but the privilege of inviting everyone you want me to, having your daughter in my wedding party because you want me to, and paying for it all! I mean sure, I won't actually be upset if people give little or nothing, but I don't like her talking as if we have nerve even setting up a registry.

Oh and btw, yeah his family (especially his mom) also has made numerous comments about "we didn't think it was ever gonna happen" and "it's about time". LOL.

:wedding:

But I'm just so happy to be marrying such a wonderful man that I can't let the rest get to me...easier said than done, of course, as the "little comments" get under my skin sometimes...;)

[WeFinallySayIDo]

Yes, many groom's families still believe that, for whatever reason. In my case, my MIL is set for life financially, yet she said that she's not sure if she will be able to afford to pay for the rehearsal dinner...I don't care, we were counting on paying for it anyway.

For me, while I'm not actually annoyed if my fiance's family doesn't contribute or offer to pay (and I'm expecting many guests who are his family members will give little or nothing, especially compared to what my family members give, but so be it), what does annoy me is comments my FMIL has made, criticizing our idea of a honeymoon registry as being tacky, and why should we register when we already have everything (not true, btw, we could really use some things - of course everything I've mentioned that we would like, she argues with). It's like, thanks lady, for implying that I don't deserve anything but the privilege of inviting everyone you want me to, having your daughter in my wedding party because you want me to, and paying for it all! I mean sure, I won't actually be upset if people give little or nothing, but I don't like her talking as if we have nerve even setting up a registry.

Oh and btw, yeah his family (especially his mom) also has made numerous comments about "we didn't think it was ever gonna happen" and "it's about time". LOL.

:wedding:

But I'm just so happy to be marrying such a wonderful man that I can't let the rest get to me...easier said than done, of course, as the "little comments" get under my skin sometimes...;)

I guess I sort of want his family to offer because A) like, nobody is excited B) his family begged us to get married and C) we just bought a house and my dad lost his job/my mom can't work, we need a little help here and there. I don't want gobs of money from anyone but heck even someone saying "hey! do you want to go look at/for such and such??" would be absolutely awesome!

Does that make sense? I am not sure if I am messing up the feeling of wanting people to be excited and want to do things with us to plan this with money; like as if I feel someone offering money would all of a sudden make it all better. I don't know....lol. This is stressful!!!

[muguet]

It makes perfect sense. I too, feel a little disappointed in certain members of my fiance's family. Some have been so nice ("welcome to the family!") and the reaction from certain others has been...well, underwhelming, to say the least. Yeah, and then I don't get the "it's about time" and "we didn't think it was ever gonna happen" comments...so ok, so we were supposed to have done this sooner, I guess, by their standards, but they're not that interested after all - gee, thanks so much! So nice to know that you couldn't care less, lol.:bbconfused:

[muguet]

Also, I know what you mean when you say that maybe offering money might make up for their lack of enthusiasm. I mean, people express themselves in different ways, so while one person might gush, another person will just contribute financially - but not reacting in either way can leave a bride-to-be feeling a little disappointed, especially one like you who has valid financial concerns, AND, given their previously pushing you to get married in the first place!

I hope that you will get a good amount of monetary gifts for (either before or at) your wedding, for you to enjoy on the honeymoon and/or use on the house, etc. I think after all is said and done, there will be those who come through for you, and that is what will stand out in your memory, more than the disappointments.