New dilemna

[SerendipityCrafts]

Ya know ... I should have remembered (from my first wedding) all the annoying crud that starts to surface two weeks before the big day!!!! Ok what do you think ladies .......

My daughter calls me today to say that Aunt M (my ex's sister) told her that she was dissapointed that she wasn't invited to my wedding and my daughter asks me if it's ok for her to go. Apparently Aunt M told my daughter that she would definitely go if she was invited, expecially because Aunt C was going to be there.

Aunt C was invited and she will be coming with her new husband but it's a bit of a different situation. She was married to my ex's brother, they split and Aunt C and I have remained friends.

Now some background stuff - most all of ex's family stopped talking to me and some of them put me through hell(!!!). Aunt M and I have exchanged polite but friendly emails, photos, jokes and have even gone out to dinner once but here's the thing ...

Hugh doesn't forgive so easily. He remembers everything that my ex and his family put me through and so, after I went out to dinner with Aunt M and I suggested that he might meet her someday, he said that he was NOT interested in socializing with any one of them.

I know that my daughter would like to have her there, I believe Aunt M is happy for me and I really don't care if she were to come but I don't want to make Hugh uncomfortable (it's his day too after all).

My daughter is not privy to what her aunts, uncles and grandparents did to me and so how do I explain things to either Hugh (honey, is it ok if I invite my ex sister inlaw) or my daughter (honey, Hugh doesn't like any of Daddy's family - even the nice ones)?

[hummingbird521]

If Hugh is uncomfortable and would be unhappy about her coming then explain this to your daughter. Isn't she 18 or close to it? I would put Hugh's feelings first in this situation. Just explain to your daughter that Hugh and you are making a new beginning and that on the day of the wedding you would prefer not to have anyone there from the previous family so as not to place a damper on his day as well as yours. Is your daughter mature enough to understand this? If so I bet she would understand.

[Kacie_bride]

This is a tough situation. Maybe you should talk it over with Hugh again. Explain to him that you and Aunt M are still friendly with each other and you think enough of her to invite her. See if you can get him to reconsider. Afterall, Aunt M will probably really have her feelings hurt. But, if he will not reconsider then I would not ask her to come. Just tell you daughter that Hugh is not comfortable with her coming. If she is 18 she is old enough to handle knowning that.

[SerendipityCrafts]

I was planning to talk to Hugh (he's away on a business trip), I just wanted to get some feedback first :)

Yes, my daughter is almost 18. I don't want to go into details about the past with her because it would end up sounding like I am "dissing" her dad (not that he doesn't deserve it but .... LOL).

M and I aren't so close that I would be bothered if she wasn't there. Heck, it hadn't even crossed my mind to invite her in the first place. I am more concerned with how Hugh feels but if it doesn't bother me then should it not bother him?

One other thing that crossed my mind - My ex's family are great gossips. They spend hours at get togethers talking about and cutting apart one family member or another. I am not saying that M is being sent in to spy, but I have no doubt that she will questioned at length afterwards about my wedding, what went on, how extravagent or lean it was etc.

C is on good terms with the family (ex MIL & three ex SIL even attended her second wedding) and while I am sure she will be questioned, she isn't "family" and she won't feel the same compulsion to answer their questions. She's also much better at giving vague type answers. LOL

Still - it might not a bad idea to keep being friendly with M. After all, Hugh and I are sure to be attending weddings, funerals, and baptisms etc. along with my ex and his family members in the future. Always good to have an at least one ally in the room. LOL

[countrygirl]

Elizabeth, I was in a similar situation. My x's dad's family have remained in contact. THey tell me they love me, and still treat me as thier daughter. I wanted to invite them to the wedding w out speaking to J first, and they were interested in coming, but financially, it would be too difficult. My 'sisters' really want to come, but I haven't spoken to them in a few months. I finally talked to J, and he felt VERY uncomfortable w the 'parents' being there, but didn't have a prob w the 'sister' as one of them was married to the x's bro, but are now devorced.

I haven't spoken to anyof them in months, and purposely managed to not invite them. I don't know what I will say when it comes up, but I had to to w what J wanted as it is his wedding too and I don't want him to feel wierd on our wedding day.

I would just tell your daughter that due to the wedding being so close, you cant add anyone to the list. It's a toughy, and I feel for you.

Good luck.

[SerendipityCrafts]

I haven't spoken to anyof them in months, and purposely managed to not invite them. I don't know what I will say when it comes up, but I had to to w what J wanted as it is his wedding too and I don't want him to feel wierd on our wedding day.

Exactly... Hugh's feelings are #1.

I also found it to be a little cruddy for M to have told my daughter that she wanted to come to my wedding. That just put my daughter in the middle.

I also recall C's wedding - it was a super uncomfortable place to be for Hugh and I, with my ex inlaws there and none of them even acknowledging that I was even in the room! I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable at my wedding.

Thanks for letting me talk through this ladies!

[countrygirl]

I hope I was able to help in some way. It's funny how people start to get weird before weddings.

[Kacie_bride]

Exactly... Hugh's feelings are #1.

I also found it to be a little cruddy for M to have told my daughter that she wanted to come to my wedding. That just put my daughter in the middle.

I also recall C's wedding - it was a super uncomfortable place to be for Hugh and I, with my ex inlaws there and none of them even acknowledging that I was even in the room! I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable at my wedding.

Thanks for letting me talk through this ladies!

I agree, Aunt M should have never put your daughter in that situation.