Mom + Money = Trouble

[Jenn060306]

I am so glad i found this website. I've really appreciated reading other posts and getting ideas on how to solve some of the problems i am coming across as i am trying to plan my wedding with my fiance.

Our wedding is set for June 2006, and we got engaged in November 2004. Within 2 weeks of Mark asking me we had booked a reception hall because my mother is so crazy about it all! She seems to have some very set ideas in her head about what the wedding is to be like. My fiances sister got married a few years ago and had a great buffet dinner and cash bar. Everyone was thrilled. But when it comes to my wedding she said there was no way we'd be having a buffet dinner. She basically said "Do you expect your grandmother to get her own dinner and pay for her own drinks? I don't think so." When Mark tried to explain to her how nice it was and how much money is saved she flat out told him it was not possible to have a wedding for $5000.00 (which was roughly the cost of his sisters wedding). She also had the nerve to tell him that it was more my day and her day then it was his. We were both shocked that she had said such a thing. There are things that we want to do that she's telling us we can not do like have live music during the cocktails and dinner. She says there is not enough money in the budget, but neither Mark or i even know the budget. Her and my dad are planning on paying for the reception, which is great, i'm so thrilled to have them do this for us. But it really makes me feel like i can't have my say in anything. I have read in magazines that who ever pays has the final say, which worries me because i don't know that its what my future husband and I want. How do i tell her i'm not happy with her traditionalist views and not hurt her feelings?

[LaceyinPgh]

If mom and dad are paying, then mom gets to put her nose in the situation. It sucks but that is how it works. Sit down and talk to her about how you see your wedding. If the two of you really can't agree then you have a decision to make. You either learn to give into mom on certain things or you tell her that you won't be needing her assistance and pay for it all yourself. Look at it this way, is a sit down dinner really that big of deal if you aren't paying for it? In some cases, the sit down is less money than the buffet anyway. As for the cash bar, I'm with mom. I think it is horrible to expect a guest to pay for a drink at your wedding. Would you make grandma pay for a martini if you had her to your house for dinner?

Sit down and explain to mom what YOU and YOUR FIANCE want. It is your day, not hers. Point that out. My mother pulled all of this with me too. It was HER day, my wedding was being held at this location, it was going to be like this. I said no, I want what I want. Then I cut her out of the wedding plans. She is now on a need to know basis like everyone else in the world. If you really want 100% control of your situation, that would be my recommendation. If your mother is a bit more reasonable than mine is, compromise. Mom, if you want a sit down dinner and open bar pay for it. Daughter if you want live music, pay for it. It is all about finding a plan that works for your situation.

[sstark1218]

I couldn't agree more. I am having the same problem with my future mother in law. They are helping us pay for the wedding and she is trying to take over. We want/need/appreciate their help, but she is trying to make it the wedding she always wanted, not the wedding my FH and I want. BUT.. we just sat down with her, figured out what budget we were working with, told her what WE wanted and didn't want, and she was very respectful of that. But I agree with Lacey, if it doesn't work, your mom is still the one paying.. so she does have a lot of say.. if you don't want her input, you will have to pay for things on your own. Hope this helps! Good luck and Congrats!!!

[WhiskeyGirl]

Ok well...I have to be the odd person out and please, these are just my opinions, so don't jump all over me. I'm not saying this is the way it should be, or has to be, it's just the way it is for me!

You say you would like to have a buffet dinner, since your mother has said that Grandma should not be expected to get her own food, have you considered having the reserved and head tables served their food instead of having to get in line and get it themselves. (Although we were just at a wedding and Everyone, including MY Grandma who is 85, served themselves and it worked just fine!) Thats always a possibility, you can talk to your caterer and see if they would be willing to do this at an extra charge, this way you can both get what you want!

As far as your mom is paying and there for gets the biggest or final say...I don't think this is right. Your mom obviously got married once already, so she has had her "day" and she has had her oppurtunity to plan a wedding the way she wanted. Now, you should have YOUR day!...in the future you will probably not want to do to your daughter(s) the same thing that she is doing to you. Yes, she is paying for it, but you are the one that is getting married. Sit and talk with her, perhaps you can find a solution to meet in the middle that will make you both happy...like what I mentioned for the buffet dinner vs sit down plated meal.

As far as the bar, it is in my experience that when having a open bar, you end up with a lot of wasteage that you are paying for! Why should you pay for drinks that people will in most cases set down and walk away from, with only having taken two sips from?! I was just at my cousin's wedding this past weekend and that is Exactly what I saw! That and people drinking WAY too much because it's free. (That's what I was like at my brother's wedding, because it was free I ended up getting quite drunk!...but I was young...only 19 and foolish!..lol) If your mom doesn't want Grandma paying for a Martini you could always pre-purchase drink tickets or "tokens" to give to certain guests or as many guests as you or your mom deems necessary. My father-inlaw is doing this, he didn't like the idea of a cash bar but when we explained to him that he can pre-purchase as many tickets as he wanted, he warmed up to the idea!

I hope my opinions doesn't spark a huge debate as to what is right and what is not, it is after all merely my opinion. I hope this gives you a little to think about, it seems like the way your mom wants it is not what you want and in order to keep with what you want, these suggestions might help. Best of Luck!

~CanadianBride~

[LaceyinPgh]

Now why would someone think there was going to be something to spark a debat on the onewed message boards. :D

If I had one wedding wish for all of us, it would be that we could have the weddings of our dreams with no interference. I sometimes think getting everyone in one family to agree on a wedding might be harder to do than getting world peace.

As for the cash bar, that is the one thing in the wedding world that I am 100% adamant about. But, that is just me and how I was raised. In some circles of family and friends it is different. I went to 1 cash bar wedding in my life and was mortified by it. But if that is something that everyone in your group is all right with than so be it. The tokens or drink tickets aren't a bad thing either, they just aren't right for me and my wedding.

[Jenn060306]

Thanks very much for all your replies.
Next time we start to talk about the wedding and things start going her way and not mine i will talk to her about it. Things have already started to look better. I'm a graphic designer, so i desided i wanted to create my own invitations, when i showed her what we had desided on she was fine with it, only made a few wording change suggestions, and asked that it say it is a formal dinner and reception. I was so releaved to not have it torn apart because the design is so non-traditional.
As for the open bar. I still have alot of concern about it. The woman from the club helping us with organization of the reception has told us if there is a guest who has had too many drinks she will come speak to my fiance or myself so we can deal with the guest and suggest they not have anymore alcohol. For the most part i am confiedent that most of the people at the wedding will be fine. But there are a few family members who are notorious for drinking too much and making a fool of themselves. I've had a few friends tell me it was a terrible idea because anyone who possibly drank too much and left undetected and got into an accident could possibly sue me because i gave them the alcohol.

Thanks for all your thoughts.

[LaceyinPgh]

Check your contract for the reception venue. If it says that you assume liability for guests than they can sue you. HOwever if there is not anything like that I don't think that they can. If that is something you are really worried about, check with a local insurance agent about setting up a liability policy for the wedding. It will cost you but put your mind at ease. Also, in most places, the bartender is allowed to refuse service to anyone at your reception for any reason. Tell the site coordinator and bartenders working your event that you WANT them to stop serving people who have had too much to drink.

[grace_smith03]

Jenn,

I suggest you tactfully say to your mom what you have expressed to the board. Alot of "mom, i see your point, but my fiance and I really would like x"...and compromise! LORD, I don't think that one needs to be good at compromise in a marriage so much as being able to compromise on a friggin wedding!

But I wish you alot of luck. I changed venues because my mother was calling me every day for an hour or more, constantly worrying if it would rain on my wedding day...(we planned to have it in a victorian house with a semi-permanent tent attached) In any case, I gave up. It wasn't worth the hassle, (or the desire to jump out the window) and I started focusing on details, my dress, the band, other priorities. I make my opinion known, and she understands that she got the venue that she wanted, so she needs to compromise as well...

Weddings...thank the lord for the pretty dress...;p

GL!

[Jenn060306]

Hi.
I just wanted to say, thank you to everyone who commented. I have come to agreements with my mom. Everything is working out perfectly now. We've been out dress shopping together and talking ideas for everything. I am amazed at how smoothly everything is running.
Thank you for your help and support!

[WebLady]

Hi.
I just wanted to say, thank you to everyone who commented. I have come to agreements with my mom. Everything is working out perfectly now. We've been out dress shopping together and talking ideas for everything. I am amazed at how smoothly everything is running.
Thank you for your help and support!

I am glad to hear that you talked to your mom and things seem to have worked out for you! I think good communication is the key to any relationship!

I have seen many weddings that turn out to be "Moms wedding" ask the bride what she wants and she says "ask my mother" it is a sad thing.

Yes, parents have a right to put thier 2 cents in when they are paying but they should want to give you what you want. Ultimately, paying for all or any part of the wedding is a gift and as with any gift, it should make the giver happy to give the receiver something they want.

Weddings are suppose to be about the couple and sharing their happiness, it should not be about making some status statment or impressing someone, ya know?

As for the bar thing, there are lots of fine lines with liability for others drinking at a private party. You should be able to get some clarity on the laws by calling your local police department.

The open bar is the "proper etiquette" when having a bar but the cash bar option usually has people drinking less since it is not free, ya know :wink:

These days, most people are not as worried with tradition and etiquette as long as it is a nice event and you get fed. And where I come from the buffett is definatly cheaper! Average $20pp for a nice buffett and $50+pp for a seated servcie! (adding in the additional cost for dishware and wait staff, etc)

Ok, back to the bar, perhaps an alternative for the bar would be to provide champagne and/or wine for the toast and possibly for an hour or so at the beginning of the reception and not have it free pouring all night.

Best of luck to you!

WebLady :)