rainbowtreat
08-08-2006, 07:54 AM
Got this inan e-mail and thought I would share. Enjoy!!!!
> 1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
> peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
> passengers in his car."
> --Author Unknown
>
> 2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
> get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
> "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
> --Author Unknown
>
> 3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a
> support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they
> meet at the bar."
> --Drew Carey
>
> 4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
> not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
> doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
> drop them off at the wrong house."
> --Jeff Foxworthy
>
> 5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and
>saving
> an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life
>without even
> considering if there is a man on base."
> --Dave Barry
>
> 6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
> we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or
>girlfriend
> wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks'
>notice.
> There should be severance pay the day before they leave
> you, and they should have to find you a temp."
> --Bob Ettinger
>
> 7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
> her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
>'Mom,
> they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
> --Paula Poundstone
>
> 8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have
> better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
> authors of that study: "Duh."
> --Conan O'Brien
>
> 9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
> halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
> I could be eating a slow learner."
> --Lynda Montgomery
>
> 10) "I think that's how Chicago and Detroit got started. Bunch
>of
> people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
> and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go
>west.'"
> --Richard Jeni
>
> 11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
> impersonators would be dead."
> --Johnny Carson
>
> 12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
> geography."
> --Paul Rodriguez
>
> 13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
> turned sixty and that's the law."
> --Jerry Seinfeld
>
> 14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
> case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file
>line
> from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
>What,
> do tall people burn slower?"
> --Warren Hutcherson
>
> 15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is
> the same."
> --Oscar Wilde
>
> 16) "Suppose you were an idiot .. And suppose you were a
> member of Congress..... But I repeat myself."
> --Mark Twain
>
> 17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
> student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
> --A. Whitney Brown
>
> 18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
> will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!
> I never would've thought of that!'"
> --Dave Barry
>
> 19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow
> Disease" was taken.
> --Unknown, presumed deceased
> 1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
> peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
> passengers in his car."
> --Author Unknown
>
> 2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
> get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
> "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
> --Author Unknown
>
> 3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a
> support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they
> meet at the bar."
> --Drew Carey
>
> 4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
> not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
> doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
> drop them off at the wrong house."
> --Jeff Foxworthy
>
> 5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and
>saving
> an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life
>without even
> considering if there is a man on base."
> --Dave Barry
>
> 6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
> we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or
>girlfriend
> wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks'
>notice.
> There should be severance pay the day before they leave
> you, and they should have to find you a temp."
> --Bob Ettinger
>
> 7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
> her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
>'Mom,
> they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
> --Paula Poundstone
>
> 8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have
> better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
> authors of that study: "Duh."
> --Conan O'Brien
>
> 9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
> halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
> I could be eating a slow learner."
> --Lynda Montgomery
>
> 10) "I think that's how Chicago and Detroit got started. Bunch
>of
> people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
> and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go
>west.'"
> --Richard Jeni
>
> 11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
> impersonators would be dead."
> --Johnny Carson
>
> 12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
> geography."
> --Paul Rodriguez
>
> 13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
> turned sixty and that's the law."
> --Jerry Seinfeld
>
> 14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
> case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file
>line
> from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
>What,
> do tall people burn slower?"
> --Warren Hutcherson
>
> 15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is
> the same."
> --Oscar Wilde
>
> 16) "Suppose you were an idiot .. And suppose you were a
> member of Congress..... But I repeat myself."
> --Mark Twain
>
> 17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
> student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
> --A. Whitney Brown
>
> 18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
> will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!
> I never would've thought of that!'"
> --Dave Barry
>
> 19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow
> Disease" was taken.
> --Unknown, presumed deceased