Can someone remind all these people that it's "my" wedding??

[FutureMrsJaved]

Hello Ladies,

It's 2 a.m. here in California and since i can't get to sleep just yet, i thought i'd start my "vent thread". It's been long over due and there is only so much i am willing to tolerate. Aghhhhh!
So first things first: My mother and FMiL are both very dominating women who will create a huge fuss if the smallest of details isn't to their liking. Keeping the peace and pleasing them both is a constant battle for me. They have their 'own" ideas of what my wedding ought to be like, from the date of the wedding, to the reception details, down to my wedding ring! Yes they both felt the need to push their ideas of my wedding ring down my throat. Now i ought to mention that they don't think highly of each other, long story short, my mother did not approve of my FH in the beginning of our relationship, but has now finally accepted him and welcomed him to the family). My FMIL cannot let her resentment go and to my irritation and annoyance, constantly harps on about it. She feels that she is entitled to have more of an input in the wedding ( in comparison to my mother), simply because my mother disapproved of our relationship in the beginning. Yes...."sigh"..this story drags on, but i wish they would both forget their little quarrels and resentment and start focusing on the part they will play in our wedding. Preferably a part that does not include unwanted advice about my wedding ring (FMIL wanted to pick my ring for me:frantic:), constantly criticizing my plans and suggestions and going behind my back and making changes to the things i have picked ( my mother is guilty of that)!
I appreciate everything they are both doing for FH and I, it means a lot to us, but i don't want my wedding to completely be taken out of hands, i would like a say in it. I only get to do it once :dammit""!!:bang_head:

[WebLady]

I am sorry you are dealing with this, unfortunatly it is not an uncommon thing; I have heard many similar stories.

I assume the family is helping to pay for the wedding since you mentioned you "appreciate everything they are both doing for FH and I"; you are bound to get some opinions in this case ... when people pay, they think they should have a say.

In a way, they should have their opinions respected and considered, but they should also realize that it is yours and your FH's wedding and the fact that they are paying (a gift they are giving you, which should not come with strings attached) does not change that.

Your choices as I see it are to either pick your battles where it really matters to you and just give on the rest ... try to talk rationally to both sides (you and FH together) and explain that you appreciate what they are doing for you, but you feel like it is getting out of hand and is not what you guys want anymore and see where that gets you ... or tell them no thanks and just elope.

Hope it works out for you whatever you do!

[gwenshack]

I'm sorry to hear this. I think, and this worked for me to a point, the best way to handle these sort of situations is to say something like "I hear what you're saying and I'll take that into consideration when I'm making my final decision." That gives them the feeling that you respect their opinion but it lets them know that you're making the call.
Also, and this worked for me too - if the above doesn't work I reminded these people that when they got married they wanted certain things and that they wouldn't have been happy if others had made those choices for them. Sometimes people need to put themselves in the shoes of others. And sometimes that perspective gives them the push they need to shut the :censored: up. :)
:goodluck:

[bridesmaid101]

Great response gwenshack!

[weddingbutterfly]

Just breathe and try not to let this get you too worked up over. Lack of sleep is never good. Well, I am a very opinionated person, personally if I were in that or a similar situation, I would give each one small thing they can contribute (that you don't mind having no control over) and that's it. Let them know you appreciate their concern, opinions, views, and vision, however this is your wedding and they already had their shot at planning their own wedding. I would personally just shut them out. I would regardless how stressful just extract them from the wedding planning, beyond that one thing they are in charge of. I wish you luck! Its never a good thing when the fams are giving extra stress.

[OnceABride]

Gwenshack is on course. Gently, take control of your wedding back. Acknowledge advice, but make it clear it's your day and you're only gong to do it once.

This can be a terrible source of stress, not just for the bride trying to handle it all, but for the groom who knows how upset his new wife is being made. It can cause fights between bride and groom as well. It's not a good way to start off a new life together.

It would appear neither of them had the wedding they wanted so now they want yours.

[FutureMrsJaved]

Thank you for all your replies Ladies!!:flower4u: I apologize for the late reply, i have just been caught up with a little family drama and reception planning. What's a wedding without a little drama, right?:unsure: I agree with you all, it IS time to take control of my own wedding and to stop grumbling about things. The FH and I were having arguments because of my "sit tight and sit quiet" policy. I felt like i was taking it all on my shoulders, while he sat back and watched our Moms drive me nuts. I'm glad we've talked it over and now he knows he needs to help me take a stand and help out with the overall planning a little more. So things are improving...., slowly but surely...
My First Little Victory:

FMIL had seen an engagement ring that she had liked on sale at Macys and insisted that FH and i buy it. I was not too thrilled about purchasing my ring from the Macys in my town because they don't have a very good selection. Before i ramble on, i should add that my FMIL does not wear a wedding ring (FFIL did not get her one because it is not a part of their culture or tradition), which of course is not an issue, traditions and norms vary across cultures. I don't think she understands the sentiment behind picking your own ring or even having an engagement ring for that matter. But i wanted one, it's a tradition in my culture and i wanted to pick out my own ring! My Mom wasn't any better, she had also picked out a ring for me at Costco and insisted i get it there. Oy Vey!:bang_head: So to please both moms i checked em out. The Macys one (which i didn't like at all) was out of stock (Thank God!:confetti:) and the one at Costco was out of my budget..... Speaking of my "ring budget"......, i had limited myself to $2, 500. I don't wear a lot of jewelery and when i do it's usually fashion jewelery. I just don't want to spend so much money on a ring, when i could put it towards a house or pay off my student loans. I don't believe in the notion that the ring should be worth at least 2 months of your FH's salary, to me that's just absurd and a big waste. Mommy dear had other ideas, she wanted me to buy a ring that was at least double my budget! Enough is enough, i had gone out for lunch with my sister last week and i saw my ring plus a matching band, which was within my budget and was EXACTLY what i was looking for! Sure the center diamond is a .38ct, but i could care less about what my family or people say. It was beautifu:luxlove:, the quality and clarity of the diamond was excellent and it was mine. I called my FH and told him to get on it right away! He wasn't too happy because he felt i ought to at least have a 1 ct center diamond, but i reassured him that my hands were pretty small and a 1 ct would be a bit too big for my taste. Hahahaha I've never seen him look so confused, he assumes most women want a bigger diamond and there i was opting for a smaller ct., he's such a cutie.:wub:
Sorry for my rambling, i got to pick out my OWN ring, without consulting them first or taking their ideas of my ring into consideration. They were both a little taken a back, but i did not hear a peep out of them, they knew i had taken a stand. It was my first little victory:whoohoo:.
Now I've become a lot more vocal with my sister, grandma, Mom and FMIL. I know they're just trying to be helpful and mean well, but I'm a grown woman for pete's sake! They can voice their opinions, I'll be fair and take them into consideration. But at the end of the day i get to make the decisions, they got to plan their weddings, now it's time for them to take a step back and let me plan mine in peace.
I've kept them busy with specific tasks that have been allocated to them, so they don't get in my hair and drive me up the bend. I have also told them that as much as i appreciate all their input, i am finding it a little overwhelming and stressful, so they all need to back off a little. So far so good:rassberry:.
51 Days till the Big Day, i REALLY can't wait to get it over with. I should have eloped, aghhhhhhh why am i going through all the trouble for a number of people i rarely see and am not too fond of??? Now that's a whole other post..:hothead: Insanity!!:bang_head:

[weddingbutterfly]

congrats on deciding what you want and sticking up for yourself. It definitely is not easy. Well just think of the nice things you are doing for other people, just don't compromise too much on the important things to you for example, the ring. I think it is one of the important things, girl perspective you have to wear it forever. Don't stress out too much