I'm so confused...anyone have any advice?

[Wildfire97504]

:cry: We are paying for our wedding, without any help. It is getting way out of hand with the mothers wanting certain dresses (about $150 more for each dress) and demanding that we invite distant relatives that we dont' really feel need to be invited. HELP....how do we keep the peace without going into debt for the first 5 years of our life together?

[iluvweddings]

You shouldn't be expected to pay for the mother's dresses. And one thing that I have learned while planning my wedding - DON'T TELL ANYONE YOUR PLANS UNLESS YOU HONESTLY WANT THEIR OPINION!
Do your guest list and send your invites out without showing them. If they ask you to add certain people, just let them know kindly that your guest list is complete.

GOOD LUCK!

[Wildfire97504]

Unfortunately, that isn't an option in our case. we agreed to pay for their dresses to ensure my future mother in law did not make an appearance at the wedding with an attitude (as she did at her own daughter's). I really don't want either mother to be unhappy, but want to find a diplomatic way to avoid having to invite people we haven't seen in 10 years or buy dresses that are too costly. I wish I could tell them our guest list is complete, however, both mothers know this is not true, because it wasn't very long ago we announced our engagement. Our wedding is scheduled for next June. :( why can't mothers make weddings a little easier?

[iluvweddings]

wildfire,
I know that it is stressful! Although mothers mean well and want the very best for us as their daughters - they do tend to be a little overwhelming. I think for the most part, they add to the guest list because they want everyone they know to see what a "princess" you are going to be on that day.
Just let your mom know that she can have a certain number of guests to invite, and I think she will choose a little more wisely.
I printed out a guest list template with space for a total of 120 guests (maximum number of invites I'm sending) I had a total of 85 names, I gave my Mom the list and told her she could add 15 and my Mother - In - Law could add 15, with 5 names to spare. That turned out pretty well, my mother only had 10 names to add once she saw the list, because I had already included some that she was thinking of adding.
Whatever you choose, I wish you the best and things work out well.

[wedbyjean]

How about thanking them for their suggestions, but also reminding them that it all depends on whether in fits within your budget. Or say sorry we can't do that because it won't fit in the budget.

About the guest list, I often suggest that you and your FH determine the maximum number of people you want to invite and divide that by 3 or 4. His mom gets one part, your mom gets one part, and either you and your FH share the remaining third or take 2 quarters. Tell mom that due to budget restraints, or location restraints, she cannot exceed the number she has been allotted. If so, either she, or you and your FH will have to cut people from her part of the list.

Hope this helps.

Good luck,

Jean Neuhart
Weddings From The Heart

[WhiskeyGirl]

I agree with Jean. The best thing to do is tell them it just won't work.If they want the expensive dress offer to pay to a certain amount, say if the dress is three hundred dollars and you agreed to only pay one hundred and fifty, pay the one hundred and fifty and then have them pay the remaining amount left owing on the dress, explaining that you are on a budget for your own dress (which I am sure you have set a budget for) and that they are too!

As far as the guest list. It gets really hard when people like mothers, or grandmothers in my case, think that you should invite your mothers aunts and uncles and cousins. (I don't really know many of these people.) I just told my grandma, that at 26.00 or more dollars a plate to feed all these people that I don't really know, is a little expensive. Once I told her that if she really wanted them there she could pay for each extra Great Aunt or Great Uncle, she was quickly singing a different tune! Just keep remembering that this is your wedding and yes, while you want to keep your moms happy, you need to keep your bank account happy too! Talk to them and explain to them how it is putting you in the hot seat and is causing you more stress then you need! Expect a lot of stress between now and June. Don't let them walk all over you in the beginning or they will think they can keep it up until next June! I know you don't want to make your moms unhappy, but you also don't want to make YOURSELVES unhappy! Best of Luck!

~CanadianBride~

[Wildfire97504]

Thank you all for the suggestion about the guest list division. That should work wonders. our biggest concern is the cost for the dinners, as Canadian said, at $26 per plate, it is getting rather expensive. Thanks again everyone.
Now...I have a new problem...my main bridesmaid (I am not having a maid of honor due to the bridesmaids being very close friends) may be lying to me when it is time to do things. Today we were to find silk flowers for the Arbor, and she begged off with a headache.....but when I called her she sounded winded like she was working in the yard...when she heard it was me, she changed her voice to sound tired and ill...I don't want to hurt her feelings, but am a little concerned with her behavior. I know she is extremely busy, but she stated she desperately wanted to be part of the wedding. I know I still have time, our dress fittings are not until January, but I don't want to wait until then to learn she is backing out. the question is: do I wait to talk with her and see what happens? or do I sit down with her now? Thanks everyone.

[sstark1218]

Is this the first time shes been flaky? If so, maybe consider going out to lunch or something and having a nice cordial talk with her. If it is the first time, I would just relax. Maybe she didn't feel good at first. Or maybe she just didn't want to do anything that particular day. iluvweddings has some great ideas when it comes to getting your bridesmaids to step up and really make things more organized for you. I would send her a PM and ask her to send you her ideas, they are awesome! Good Luck and I hope this helps!

[Wildfire97504]

Actually this is the 2nd time we were scheduled to do something and she begged off. The other time, when she did show, she brought her boyfriend and was anxious to go off with him...

[sstark1218]

Maybe you should sit down and tell her exactly what is expected of her. Have you done this yet? sit her down and explain exactly what you want and need from her in this wedding. Just be honest with her and if she or you feel like she shouldn't or doesn't want to be in the wedding, pick someone else to take her place.

[Wildfire97504]

So the update on my bridesmaid...I sat down with her last night and Sstark, you are so right. She really had no idea what was required of her. she was under the impression all she had to worry about was helping with addressing the invitations. But I located a print out on the net which I showed her and asked her if she was comfortable with the list. I think it helped a lot. Sure hope it did. I even talked to her about my need to just have someone to express my fears to. I've been having an attack of nerves lately with planning the wedding. The only reason I can think of is I've never done this before and (like all brides) just want things to be beautiful. I am hopeful the flaky bridesmaid issue is over. Thanks again.