Parents Living With Adult Children

[jennybaby]

I was talking with my SIL and FH on Christmas Eve. She brought up my mom and said she knew several MILs who lost their husbands, end up living part of the year with one of their married children, and then move in with another one. She says they love it for many reasons. She said she'd like to do that with my Mom. She could spend part of the year with my SIL in brother, and part of the year with me and my FH.

Here's the thing... they are in their 40's with a daughter, two amazing careers, a GOOD chunk of money PLUS a good salary and a settled down life. They are ready to take on an aging parent. I am 20, will be 22 by the time my Mom moved in with us... and a newly wed. I will be in Grad School, then working on building my career. While we have a GOOD chunck of money, we won't have a good salary for a while. Plus, we're just starting out our life together! I am not ready to take on my mom yet, as selfish as that sounds.

I love my mom and would give her the world. I know it has been rough since my dad died 4 years ago. It has been so hard on all of us. I try to be there for my mom, but it's hard from a distance... as a student. I will help out my mom as much as possible emotionally and financially, but I want my own home. I want to live alone with my FH, go to school, struggle like newly weds do, love each other like newly weds do, and a raise a family BEFORE my mom moves in. If I was stable in a career, ready in my marriage, and had my children... I'd love to take in my Mom. The problem, is my Mom is in her 60's. She can't afford to live on her own, she hasn't worked in years, and it's been hard on her since my dad left.

Any advice?

In reality, we could talk to them about it and it she could rotate between a good friend of ours, my other brother and/or my oldest and his wife... but emotionally, I think I'd feel guilty.

[ChristineLS]

That's a tough situation. My folks joke that they'll move in with Will and I (my dad's likely to loose his job soon) but with our salaries, I don't think we could take on any more people. We're both graduate students on graduate student funding. As you know, the cost of living in Buffalo is next to nothing and I'm actually funded really well, so it's not like we are struggling too much. But we don't have the space for them at the moment (tiny apartment). Yet, I would never want to leave them out in the cold and if they really needed to, we'd probably re-arrange everything so that they could stay with us.

What would your husband be doing? I couldn't imagine owning a house on a graduate student salary.

You SIL mentioned it, but what does your mom think of this idea? She may want her own space as much as you do.

[jennybaby]

My FH will be finishing up school as well, then has plans to either further his business degree or see where the degree takes him.

Honestly, we could easily buy a house in Buffalo within our first year of marriage with his trust fund (it was meant to buy his first house and take care of him as he gets his foot into the 'real world'). The question comes to whether or not we want to because we don't know if Buffalo will be where we want to settle down after Grad School. Either way, we still want our lives as newly weds.

My Mom honestly expected me and FH to move in with her in California after we got married so I could attend school out here. It broke her heart when I told her that wasn't our plan and Buffalo seemed like the reasonable choice. She assumed it was a 'maybe' kind of thing, not a realistic plan.

(Really, right now, it's up to where I get accepted... but our hopes are for Buffalo... and I explained that to her. Now she understands.)

[RosieAngel]

Well, the real question to ask is how well you all get along. Perhaps trying to have her over for two-week-long visit will help you figure this all out. Hopefully, she'll respect your space and your time together as a couple.

I could totally do this with my MIL, but that's because MIL, DH, and I really work well together in living-type situations like extended visits (she visited us for three weeks once, and I was honest-to-God sad to see her go).

[jennybaby]

Well, the real question to ask is how well you all get along. Perhaps trying to have her over for two-week-long visit will help you figure this all out. Hopefully, she'll respect your space and your time together as a couple.

I could totally do this with my MIL, but that's because MIL, DH, and I really work well together in living-type situations like extended visits (she visited us for three weeks once, and I was honest-to-God sad to see her go).

That's not the problem. She's my Mom and we get along great. FH gets along wonderfully with her as well.

The main thing is I want to spend some time primarily as a wife before I have to divide my attention constantly as a wife AND daughter. You know? Maybe it's selfish, but FH feels the same way.

Honestly, the thing will probably blow over... but I feel guilty for not wanting my Mom to live with me within the next few years. I guess I'm wondering... is it normal to feel that way?

[RosieAngel]

That's not the problem. She's my Mom and we get along great. FH gets along wonderfully with her as well.

The main thing is I want to spend some time primarily as a wife before I have to divide my attention constantly as a wife AND daughter. You know? Maybe it's selfish, but FH feels the same way.

Honestly, the thing will probably blow over... but I feel guilty for not wanting my Mom to live with me within the next few years. I guess I'm wondering... is it normal to feel that way?

Yes, I do know! I don't think it's selfish of you at all! I think it's totally normal to feel like you do, and... well, maybe I don't know the whole story, but since your sister is well established and you're just starting out, I don't see why she should have to live with you half the time.

Maybe this will blow over - I hope it does! But I just felt the need to go all Polyanna on you (annoying, I know) and point out that if you do get along, there's a good chance she'll respect your space and not be demanding of your time and attention so you can still enjoy your couple time without having to worry about her.

[sandy03]

Just out of curiosity, what does your mom think about the possibility of this arrangement? Moving is hard on everyone and to be uprooting and actually moving a couple of times a year seems like it would be a LOT on anyone, but it definitely doesn't get easier as you get older! And if this also means going from one side of the country to the other, that just compounds it.

I think it's totally reasonable that you want to concentrate on adjusting to your new life as a wife. And it sounds like having your mom live with your brother and SIL would be a better arrangement. You could offer to have her come visit periodically (in case they need a break) and maybe she could move in with y'all in 5 or so years once you are a little more settled.

Obviously a lot can change in the two years between now and when she would theoretically be moving in with you, but I think you are totally normal in how you are feeling. It took me a little while, but I was thrilled when my dad got re-married after my mom died because his new wife can take care of him and I don't have to. I love my dad, but there aren't enough hours in the day for me to take care of myself and him (especially when I was trying to do it from a distance!)

[mitch]

I totally understand you wanting to be a Wife first. You will always be her Daughter but being a Wife is the "Now" moment.

I'll flip this the other way and try to explain from another angle.

DH has four Daughters. Three of which are adults now. (As in over 16) They come to visit two or three times a year. Staying for a week or so at a time. Yes i know that's nowhere near as long as half a year at a time. But it's still a time of upheaval etc.

We have to rearrange bedrooms etc to accomodate them. Find extra cash to pick them up. Feed the electric meter due to extra heating, lighting etc. Get extra food, shampoo and loo rolls in. (Gawd Girls use LOADS lol)
DH has to take time off work to see them. Resulting in two weeks without money because he's self employed and doesn't get Holiday Pay.

We have to watch what we say and do. We can't just leave bank statements and bills hanging around for them to see. We don't want or need them to know about our finances. We can't just snuggle up on the sofa and veg out. We can't walk across the landing from the Bathroom to the Bedroom in our Birthday Suits.

We both love having them down to stay and all get on really well. I'm blessed with getting on with all four Girls. But even DH says it's lovely having them here to stay. But it's fantastic when they go home again. Which we also have to find the cash for.

We like our home a certain way. I do tend to go off the deep end at the pile of Shoes in the Hallway. The extra mess they leave in the Bathroom etc.
We like to come and go when we want. Not having to answer to anyone else. We like to be able to watch what we want on the TV. Or go online when we want. DH's PC is in the room two of the Girls sleep in. I woke up at 6.30AM this morning to find DH downstairs struggling on the Laptop because he couldn't go online with the Desktop.

Not being their Mum has never been an issue. They were told from the very beginning they were at my home by Invitation and that i can withdraw that invitation at any time. So they respect it. But with them here is hard.

Even DH has said in the seven years he has been apart from them. Leaving was difficult. But to have them full time in our lives is not something he could do without tearing his hair out.

We have got used to being a couple. Many a time over the years they have asked to come live with us. But we have managed to make them stay North.

We love them all to bits. But living with us? No way!!!

[dearmissie]

First I'd like to give you BIG hugs Jenny!! I know this situation is not easy. My condolences for you Father.

Personally, I grew up in a very traditional South East Asian family. It's not uncommon for a woman to live with her parents until marriage and then once married to have the parents move in with the new marriage couple. However, my Mom is pretty Americanized. I told DF when my Mom get's older I wanted her to live with us. He didn't get it. His Grandma has her own place with a care taker. I don't want my Mom with a care taker. I don't want her in a retirement center. I want her to be taken care of by someone who really loves and cares for her. My Great Grandma (who's 88) lives with her daughter. I had to explain a lot to my DF that this is normal for my culture and how I personally believed in being there for my Mom when she needs me. After all she cared for me when I was uncapable (when I was a baby) and now I want to do the same for her. I even told him I wanted to open our house for his parents as well. After all, they raised him and without them my DF wouldn't be here for me to love (and for him to love me in return). He later understood. However, both of our parents say they don't want to live with us. They don't want to get in the way of us and our family (meaning us and our children). They all believe they become the secondary family and wouldn't want to do anything to strain our family or make us as husband and wife fight. Inviting your parents to live with you will definately change the dynamics of the family not just for us, but for the children as well. However I have stated if they ever get to the point where they can no longer take care of themselvse (can't walk, wash themselves, etc) I would like for them to move in. They all (both sets of parents) were very grateful and said, "If it happens, thank you. If it doesn't, they won't be mad. They don't expect anything from us, and that really helps us to not have too much pressure on us. If my Mom were to be unable to pay for rent when we got married and was just "down" or whatever, I personally would let her move in. I'm very close to my Mom and she's given up a lot for me. It's the least I can do for her. But that's just me. But of course, I'd have to discuss this with my DF first. If he's not okay with it, then obviously there'd be an issue.

However, I do understand how you feel. At the moment for you (and for us as well) you're in the stage of getting 100% on your feet. You're getting married and will be starting a new chapter of your guys life together. It's already an adjustment once you get married, but its even harder when you're a student and starting your career. And everyone would lie to say that they didn't want some private time growing together as newelyweds. I suggest talking over this with your DF. He may agree with you or he may not. But he'll be there to lend a shoulder. Oh, biggest hugs to you honey. I totally understand why it is hard.

[WebLady]

I am sorry about your father and the situation you are in now with your mother. I don't know what to tell you as this is a personal thing.

I know the thought of either or both of my parents having to live with me one day stresses me out big time. Of course I love my parents and I don't want to loose either of them or see them so sick that they couldn't take care for themselves. I wouldn't want them in a home or anything, but I just know I couldn't handle having to take care of them.

[jennybaby]

Thanks for ALL the advice! You ladies are so wonderful.

I have talked to my FH about the situation, and while he loves my Mom, he agrees that we need wife and husband time alone before we make a decision about her moving in. My younger brother graduates from HS this year, and my little sister graduates in 2011. After that, I see my Mom needing help. She's not financially stable. She doesn't enjoy living on her own.

I think the best situation would be for her to live with a friend and/or my brother and his wife, but we'll see. She's afraid to open up about this kind of stuff.

Eventually, after I have my children, I'd LOVE my Mom to live with us. My Mom has become one of my best friends in the past few years. However, it's just not do-able right away. I think I'll feel guilty for a while, but I know my Mom will be cared for and be loved in another situation.

I guess the conversation just surprised me. I didn't expect that. I figured my SIL would understand that we were just starting our life together.

[ChristineLS]

Fun fact: I found out yesterday that my father might need to live with Will and I for a few months (for a million "long story" reasons having to do with his job). Heh. Well, I guess its time to put my money where my mouth is :)

[jennybaby]

Fun fact: I found out yesterday that my father might need to live with Will and I for a few months (for a million "long story" reasons having to do with his job). Heh. Well, I guess its time to put my money where my mouth is :)

It'll be fine! Good luck. You know there are always people here for support! :)

[gwenshack]

I'm sorry that I'm just seeing this, but I wanted to send you a belated :hug:

These kinds of issues are toughies - neither of you want to neglect your parents but you don't want to neglect your own household and relationship either. This is one of those things that DH and I talked about early on, as we've both had family members act as caregivers and we both realize what kind of toll that takes on a household.

One of the things we decided is that neither of us are able to take on that kind of situation, either as a caregiver or as just a live in parent situation. Financially we'd be more than willing to contribute toward care, but we could just never do it in our home. Seflish? Of course. But it's a personal choice, like Brandi said, and what's good for one couple isn't good for the next. Only you can know what is going to mix well in your relationship. :hug:

[ChristineLS]

It'll be fine! Good luck. You know there are always people here for support! :)

Here there and everywhere :) I'd be happy to do it, it's my family after all. And it depends on all sorts of specific things happening and stuff. But the timing of this thread is kind of funny to me.