I Need Some Advice...

[FutureKelley]

My husband quit smoking about 3 years ago. Back in May when we both lost our jobs and life was just all around crappy I caught him smoking once. I was upset, but he promised me it was a one time thing and wouldn't happen again. I have never once not trusted him or thought he was doing anything behind my back, but over the last couple of months he has come home smelling like smoke. I didn't say anything to him, figuring it was just him hanging out with people from work while they were on their smoke break. Even the fact that as soon as he would come and brush his teeth before he even kissed me I would look over.

Last night he said he was working late helping set-up some stuff at the store and did not come home until 3am. I was not happy and to top it off he reaked of smoke. I confronted him about it and he admitted that he had been smoking. He said he was just really craving one, but I know this is not the only time. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure it's an every day thing.

I'm just not sure what to do. I trusted him and he promised me he wouldn't do it. He again promised me it would never happen again, but now I just do not trust him like I used to. I know it's not the worst thing in the world... but if it's so easy to go behind my back like that, what else is he doing, you know?

I thought we were really making progress in our relationship. We started counseling to better our communication and I thought things were going really good, but I guess not. I'm just at a loss of how to react to this and where to go from here.

[WebLady]

I am sorry Nichole; I would be bothered by this too. I am not a smoker and don't want to be married to one.

So how did he react when you confronted him about it? Did he say it was just that night or did he say how often at all? Has he acted different since?

Does he come home smelling like smoke all the time and brush his teeth before kissing you everyday? Does his car smell like smoke?

I would probably bring it up again the next time you notice he smells like smoke ... or maybe he starts coming home smelling like collone or something else he doesn't usually wear; this might be to mask the smoke.

I would try not to raise your voice or argue about it, but ask him and offer your help if he needs it. Hopefully he will admit what is going on and you guys can work out what is making him do it again and he can quit again.

Good luck!

[SkippyNXC]

hmm that stinks (literally and figuratively)... i wouldn't know how to react personally... my first thought is "wait she's preggo's n if he's smoking his exposing the baby to that" but that may be a very passive-aggressive road to take... i'm not mad but for the baby's sake prolly not very direct... i'm really not good at these things but i feel ur pain...

[FutureKelley]

He admitted to smoking last night, but when I said it isn't the first time he didn't say anything other than "I'm sorry". The conversation was pretty short since I had been asleep when he came home and he wanted to go to bed.

But yes, every time when I'm home when he gets off work, the first thing he does is go and brushes his teeth as soon as he walks in the door and then changes his clothes. If I happen to walk by him before he does, I always smell smoke. I don't ever drive his car, but I would bet is smells like smoke as well and if I looked, I would probably find a pack of cigarrettes in there.

He says he is not addicted, that he can quit anytime. And he was doing so good too... I don't understand why he had to go back to it. I'm just afraid it will continue or the next time he gets stressed out he will go right back to it. I'm afraid for his health and I do not want the smell of smoke around my child when it's born. I guess it's just something we will have to bring up in counseling in a few weeks, but meanwhile I'm just not sure how I'm going to trust him.

[Goders]

I'm really sorry about your situation.

Anyone who's addicted to anything will normally say "I'm not addicted! I can quit anytime", most people don't like to admit to addictions, because a lot of times it makes them feel weak and out of control of the situation.

Quitting smoking is probably one of the if not the hardest things to do. I've heard this conversation a million times from my grandma directed to my mom. Stress isn't a reason to not quit smoking, my grandmother quit smoking when she was in the middle of a divorce. It was over 30 years ago that she quit, and she still admits that when she sees people smoking, she wants to go outside with them and light one up.

The only thing I can suggest is let him know how you feel. Tell him about how you're not sure how you can trust him about other things, tell him your worried about the effect it'll have on the baby, and you're worried about the health risks to him. I know it'll be hard, but try not to make it into an argument so he'll get stressed out and use it as an excuse to continue smoking.

I really hope everything works out for you.

[ksherlin]

Has he ever tried chewing the nicotine gum? FH's papaw was a smoker for years and when he quit, he used the gum when he had a craving? He is probably just stressed and from what I hear, that is pretty hard to quit. I am sure he will come around and realize that it is for his, your, and the baby's benefit.

It is great that you are trusting him though since we all now that you can;t confront SO's without being calm and trusting.

I wish all the best for you!:crossfingers:

[gwenshack]

I'm sorry this is happening! :hug:

Just to put another spin on this, I have a hard time putting sneaking cigarettes in the same category as other trust things. I just know that I'm a really trustworthy person who is a reformed smoker, but there are times that I fall off the wagon for one reason or another. Even if it just one and 6 months has passed since the last time I did it. The temptation is always there - you're constantly confronted with it - even an innocent trip to Starbucks and you see people doing it. It's not like drugs or alcohol - it's just accepted that you can stand on the street corner and do it.

Having said that, I'm sorry that he's been lying to you - THAT of course isn't cool. I hope that everything works out! :hug: