bridesmaid claims to have no money...read on....

[ilovewater]

Long story short:
one of my bridesmaids is an alcoholic, plain and simple. I don't even know what to say to her anymore. I ask her how everything is coming along since we are about a month out from the wedding and she doesn't have her shoes (which she has had an entire YEAR to purchase) which she needs for her dress alterations which are this afternoon. she keeps complaining that she doesn't have enough money to buy her shoes when in reality she has plenty of money...it just gets spent right away on booze. she claims she will buy her shoes this weekend after she gets paid and i'm afraid if she comes home with another brown bag of liquor that i will flip $h!t on her. when i ask her how things are going she flips out on me and complains that i am nagging. it's stressful enough to share an apartment with an alcoholic (who moves out soon thank goodness) but to plan a wedding at the same time and not have her see where you are coming from is just downright frustrating. i really need some advice on how to go about all of this as i am seeing her later for her fitting...:unsure:

[WebLady]

As for her role in the wedding ... if she has the dress already then it is on her if she doesn't get her shoes (do they have to be something special?) and get it altered it time. Tell her she has till whatever date or she is out, that you can't worry if she is going to be ready or not at the last minute.

Of course she may get defensive and/or call you bossy or bridezilla, especially if there are other issues at hand.

As for her being an alcoholic; if she is your friend and you really think that then maybe you need to talk to her about that, maybe try to have an intervention.

Good luck with everything :flower:

[ilovewater]

she is allowed to pick whatever shoes she would like as she was allowed with the dress....i just feel like a big jerk saying things like you're out if you don't have it by this and this time you know?

As for the alcohol, I've been letting her know how I feel about it but haven't really sat her done. She told me once let me know when I'm a bad alcoholic since I am fine with it right now...I mean I have no idea how to even start a conversation there....There's a reason I didn't finish my degree in psychology, I'm not good with hard things like that...I thought about maybe talking to somebody in her family about it but they all live pretty much the exact same lifestyle....I just don't know :(

[WebLady]

she is allowed to pick whatever shoes she would like as she was allowed with the dress....i just feel like a big jerk saying things like you're out if you don't have it by this and this time you know?

As for the alcohol, I've been letting her know how I feel about it but haven't really sat her done. She told me once let me know when I'm a bad alcoholic since I am fine with it right now...I mean I have no idea how to even start a conversation there....There's a reason I didn't finish my degree in psychology, I'm not good with hard things like that...I thought about maybe talking to somebody in her family about it but they all live pretty much the exact same lifestyle....I just don't know :(
Yeah it is hard to talk to people about stuff sometimes, with both cases here. As for her being in your wedding; you don't want to be all "bridezilla", but you need know that she is going to be ready in time. Maybe just ask her if everything is ok and if she is going to be ready; ask her if she has shoes or plans to buy some. Maybe ask her out to lunch and you guys can go shopping together. Or if you can, you can offer to buy her shoes for her. Or you can tell her that if she has too much going on right now that you would understand if she wants out.

As for the alcohol; if you think she really has a problem and her family is not going to be supportive then you could consider going to a professional to help put together an intervention.

[ilovewater]

thanks for the advice weblady :) i am considering everything you said about everything with the exception of buying her shoes for her... i think that may just be reinforcing that it's ok to not take responsibility....

[gwenshack]

If she's not going to be reliable, you need to hold her accountable. There are consequences to alcoholism and if she's not going to hold up her end of the bargain, in terms of what you expect of her as a bridesmaid, then not being in your wedding should be one of them.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this - I know this kind of stuff is really hard to deal with from the sidelines. I don't mean to sound harsh - I've just seen too many people be affected negatively by someone with this disease. I would hate for her to ruin your special day.

All the best. :heart:

[ksherlin]

Maybe you could ask he if she wants to go shopping with you after she gets her paycheck. Don't make it obvious, but take her to a shoe store and look for yourself. As you go looking, you could slip hints or tell her how pretty certain shoes would look on her for your wedding. If you make her feel good about it, then maybe she will be more "on board" about getting her shoes.

[lilmsjess]

Maybe you could ask he if she wants to go shopping with you after she gets her paycheck. Don't make it obvious, but take her to a shoe store and look for yourself. As you go looking, you could slip hints or tell her how pretty certain shoes would look on her for your wedding. If you make her feel good about it, then maybe she will be more "on board" about getting her shoes.

i agree with ksherlin...and also with gwen...

it really is hard to deal with something like this, but you're living with her...and that somewhat changes things. sometimes, a good way to handle people with addictions, is to treat them like children...you know, how you start to give them little punishments for little things, and as they grow older or more fluent and harsher in their activities, the harsher their punishments become...one thing to consider, is if you yourself drink, try not to drink around her...not just that, but if your other friends that she hangs out with know her drinking problem, then maybe alltogether you can all just stop drinking around her...oftentimes, if someone realizes they're the only person doing something, they stop and take a look around...fh wasn't ever anything i'd call close to an alcoholic...but what he would do, is when he drank, he and our roommate would drink half a gallon of captain morgan, in an evening...they didn't drink like that often, more like occassionally. but being single sailors, living in the barracks, the weekends for them were nothing but BBQ & beer/liquer...after our roommate moved in with me, it became we'd drink a little at payday(every 2weeks), and i was able to help ween one off the bottle(yea, bottle, i know :rolleyes:!) and i slowly tapered him off liquer completely...he doesn't drink it now, except for holidays. and usually 2 drinks at most...when fh moved in, he saw how much i'd been able to taper off our roommies drinking, and he saw that while i had my "wild nights" they were usually once a month, or every few months...and since we really didn't drink at home all that often, the need to buy beer and such, went away...with fh, i've got it to where i can buy him a 6 pack of beer, and he might drink 1 or 2...and then like a month later, i find 4+ beers in the back of the fridge, and toss them out...

i didn't mean to make my post so long...sorry! but everyone had great suggestions. not just that, if you're having the wedding of your dreams, her alcoholism can play a MASSIVE role in your reception...so somehow, someway, she needs to be "reached"...and you don't have to do it alone. it's possible, but i've learned it's much more effective, if more than 1 person is willing to take on the role of helping a friend...and you say her family lives this way too, which means it is probably a learned behaviour...sometimes, they can be easier to break, sometimes harder...i really hope everything works out with your wedding, and i really hope she's able to see that theirs a light at the end of the TUNNEL...what's that country song, "When You're Going Through H3ll"....
***"Ask directions from a genie, In a bottle of Jim Beam And she lies to You. That's when you learn the truth"***