A male Bridesmaid ?

[Carole-Fiona]

Hi girls,

This may sound strange, but my cousin (male) dearly wants to be a bridesmaid at my wedding:boggle:

He often attends family gatherings dressed as a girl, and everyone accepts him/her - but would it be acceptable at a wedding?

Personally I am happy with the idea - especially as I want his sister as a bridesmaid and think it would be lovely to have them both. I'd hate to hurt his feelings, but have to consider the effect this might have on other guests.

I have given this so much thought, and changed my mind so many times I don't know what to decide.

I'd value any thoughts or suggestions :unsure:

Carole x

[FFC]

Hi Carole,

Are you saying you want your male cousin to be a bridesmaid dress?

This could be a sticky situation, you're right. However, it's your wedding and if that's a statement you're okay with making at your wedding, then I say go for it. However, if you're concerned of drama and problems at the wedding, I would ask that he wear a tux, but still stand on your side as a bridesman... just a thought.

Good luck in making this decision - it sounds like it's taking a lot of thought and consideration!

[WebLady]

Well ultimatly it comes down to what you want and how much of a stink you think it would make with others and if you want to deal with that.

Maybe a compromise would be to have him stand with you as a "BM" but have him in a suit/tux for the ceremony. Then he can put on a dress for fun for the reception if he wants.

[RosieAngel]

Here's my thought: It's your wedding, so do what you want! Just think of who your most important people are. If your cousin is among them, by all means, make your cousin a bridesmaid! Your cousin's gender identity and/or sexual orientation is none of your guests' business, so what they may or may not think about it shouldn't factor into anything at all.

I'm also sure that, with the right dress and makeup, she will look fabulous and fit right in with the biological ladies. People probably won't even notice unless she's 6'4" and looks like a hairy football player or something, in which case, have her wear flats (which might be a good idea anyways), and introduce her to the wonders of Nair for Men.

[gwenshack]

There's no reason you can't have a male stand up on your side. I did, my brother, because he's very close to me and it meant a lot to have him be there by my side.

Regardless of whether your cousin wants to wear a dress, if you want him next to you (in whatever attire you see fit) then that's what you should do. :p

[Invitations4LessJoyce]

I agree that it shouldn't matter which gender stands on your side.
As for what your male cousin wears, this is totally up to you, but do consider that if there are many who are uncomfortable with it, that will take the focus off of the special meaning of the day and put it elsewhere, perhaps making the memories a bit awkward.
What are your cousin's goals in being a bridesmaid? Is it to wear a pretty dress? Or is it to be a part of your wedding. If it's the latter, he shouldn't mind at all wearing what you ask of him, just as many a female bridesmaid has smiled through the day wearing a god-awful confection of the worst bridesmaid dress in history. ;)

[2dBride]

If your cousin already often attends family gatherings dressed as a girl, then I suspect your family would accept him dressed as a girl at your wedding. However, if you are concerned, you could talk with your cousin about it. If he is in the process of transitioning to being a she, then asking him to dress as a boy for this occasion would not be appropriate. (Yes, bridesmaids often get asked to wear ridiculous outfits, but no one expects a groomsman to be willing to wear a dress for the occasion--which is comparable to what you would be asking of him if he is in the process of a transition.) However, if dressing as a girl is just a fun thing he sometimes likes to do, then you could ask him not to do it for your wedding--just as you could dictate the attire of any of your other bridesmaids. Either way, he can certainly stand up on your side.

[ChristineLS]

Any advice I have is really conditional to circumstances and information that I don't know, so bear with me...

Would you want him standing for you regardless of the way he presents his gender? That to me is the bigger question. If he shows up dressed as a woman and people can't handle it, that will just be one tic on a list of things that people will find wrong with what you do - and I don't say that as an insult, but as a reflection on the simple fact that you can't make everyone happy, though people will expect you to. If, in your family, it's a non-controversy, let it stay as a non-controversy.

IMHO, gender is not so rigid and determined as our culture treats it, so to me, it's not a problem to have a male wearing a dress, if that's how he generally presents himself, or if he's in transition. Penis =/= tuxedo. Our culture just made that distinction, and like all cultural norms it's arbitrary though treated as truth.

The bigger question to me is his: why is he standing for you? Is it because you want him to or because he wants to? Who is standing next to you and why they are there, IMHO is much more important than the fabric that is adorning them. I just ask this because you write about it as if you wouldn't have chosen him left to your own devices.

Having men stand with the bride or women with the groom is not really weird anymore - just reflects that many people have mixed sex social groups. I wouldn't worry about that.

If you ask someone to stand next to you, it should be a reflection of support and love, not to be decoration. So I would say that he should go with the presentation of gender that is most genuine to him, because you are choosing the person for who they are. If you feel that the person is too controversial, make the decision based on what you value more: evading controversy or the person in question.

If you feel that you're being pressured into it... well, remind him that being a BM is more than wearing a dress - it's being a laborer and assistant too and see if he still wants it :)

If his gender is more of a traditional man, ask why he wants to wear a dress, and make the decision according to how you feel about that reasoning. If it's because they like attention... well, it's your day, not theirs.

Good luck and congrats! :D

[Carole-Fiona]

Ladies, thank you so so much for your kind replies and the helpful advice and food for thought.

As background to this situation - my cousin Alan / Alison has been incredibly kind to me over recent years, helping me through a very difficult situation. I therefore want to reciprocate and support him, as he is now going through an awkward time in his own life - namely his gender identity.

My fiance has met both Alan and Alison, and has no qualms about me asking Alison to be my BM.

If I am truly honest, I have to say my mind is 95% made up - I wanted to see if there would any screams of "No, Don't do that!!!".

So once again thank you all. :hearts::hearts:

I will post again once I have finally decided.

Carole x

[ChristineLS]

Ladies, thank you so so much for your kind replies and the helpful advice and food for thought.

As background to this situation - my cousin Alan / Alison has been incredibly kind to me over recent years, helping me through a very difficult situation. I therefore want to reciprocate and support him, as he is now going through an awkward time in his own life - namely his gender identity.

My fiance has met both Alan and Alison, and has no qualms about me asking Alison to be my BM.

If I am truly honest, I have to say my mind is 95% made up - I wanted to see if there would any screams of "No, Don't do that!!!".

So once again thank you all. :hearts::hearts:

I will post again once I have finally decided.

Carole x

Oh, well in that case... GO FOR IT! :yesnod: I can't think of any good reasons not to :D

[2dBride]

If Alan is in the process of becoming Alison, then you are going to need to accept his (really, her) new gender anyway. This isn't a question of someone dressing as a woman "for fun," but of dressing to reflect the gender she feels she is. At some point, she is just going to stop wearing male clothes at all. If you would otherwise want her to be a BM, allowing her to be one at your wedding would provide a strong signal that you are willing to accept her as Alison.

[Carole-Fiona]

Well, another update on this.

Today I had a long discussion with Alan on this, the outcome of which is that his long-term plan IS to live full-time as Alison (I had suspected as much, but it had never been so clearly stated).

However, due to various work commitments and other circumstances, he can't be sure of exactly when he will be able to begin living as Alison - but he wants to increase "Alison time" as much as he can.

I had such a lovely time today with him, and formally asked him to be my BM - and he accepted!!! :hearts:

So I WILL have a male BM and he WILL wear a pretty dress :star:

And I feel so happy now I've made the decision :yesnod:

Again thanks to all for such helpful advice.

Love Carole xx

[Invitations4LessJoyce]

I love happy endings! Thanks for telling us and best wishes to you for a beautiful wedding day!

[FFC]

That's awesome that you and he were able to discuss this and that you're both happy with the outcome :)

[2dBride]

Sounds like this was a win-win situation, for both him/her and you.

[ChristineLS]

Sounds like this was a win-win situation, for both him/her and you.

Indeed! :D Glad to hear how thrilled you both are :)

[Mrs.Johnson111111]

I'm thinking about this too...my best friend (well...the closest that i have)...is gay. But im thinking about just putting him in the same color suit as the bridesmaids

[lilmsjess]

I'm thinking about this too...my best friend (well...the closest that i have)...is gay. But im thinking about just putting him in the same color suit as the bridesmaids

lol be careful! i have a gay friend, and he wouldnt be caught dead in any shade of pink purple or greean :rofl:

[Mrs.Johnson111111]

lol be careful! i have a gay friend, and he wouldnt be caught dead in any shade of pink purple or greean :rofl:

Lmao.... i'm confident that my friend can make any color look fabulous... but prob to be on the safe side...we will go with shades of cream lol

[Carole-Fiona]

We had always thought Alan was gay, but now we realise that is not really the case - his issue is different.

The other BM's are fully supportive of my decision to include Alison - we're all meeting up next weekend to discuss the dresses etc.

Alan has been told HE is not to come - girls only :yesnod:

Carole x

[lilmsjess]

We had always thought Alan was gay, but now we realise that is not really the case - his issue is different.

The other BM's are fully supportive of my decision to include Alison - we're all meeting up next weekend to discuss the dresses etc.

Alan has been told HE is not to come - girls only :yesnod:

Carole x

lol you're too much...you talk like he has a second personality...literally...the same way my ex used to tell his ex-g/f-that he wanted to see HER at dinner ;)
(in saying that, i realize i miss "United States of Tara *sigh*)

[Carole-Fiona]

HI again ladies,

Just so you know everything is proceeding as planned - Alison will definitely be one of my BM's. We're busy looking for dresses now, which is great fun!!

Also, I came across this topic on others forums, so I guess I'm not unique in this after all...

Carole x

[Bridetobe10025]

I think a male bridesmaid is totally acceptable these days. My fiance and I have been talking about having mixed sex bridesmaids and groomsmen so we can include his female relatives and my male friends.

I think it is cool as long as you don't make a big deal of it and single that person out like it is something big and strange and different you are doing.

And I wouldn't let him dress like a girl bridesmaid. He can wear a nice ale outfit that matches the other ladies dresses.

[Carole-Fiona]

Hi Ladies,

been a long time since I updated here - latest update is that we have decided not to get married after all...

There was no big row or anything - basically it just didn't feel right, so we agreed it would wrong to proceed.

Carole x

PS Alan's transition to Alison is going well ...

[sophiesmart1]

Hi Carole :)

Sorry to hear about your wedding... I hope you are happy with this decision?

Also great to hear you're being so supportive to your friend during his Alan-Alison transition!

Sophie x

[WebLady]

Hi Ladies,

been a long time since I updated here - latest update is that we have decided not to get married after all...

There was no big row or anything - basically it just didn't feel right, so we agreed it would wrong to proceed.

Carole x

PS Alan's transition to Alison is going well ...
Better now than later right ... all the best to you!

[Invitations4LessJoyce]

It sounds like you are both very wise. Time will help you sort out what is best for both of you.
Wonderful to hear about Alison's transition!
Best wishes to all of you!