honor attendant DRAMA...sorry its LONG

[Mamie2010]

I am new to the boards, but I need some advice...

So, we are very early in our wedding planning process, we have hired our coordinator and booked our reception venue. We are planning out wedding for 10.2.10.

Back in February 2009 my FH's sisters got married, she had his as her honor attendant. She didn't have to play any important roles in anything leading up to the wedding it was more she did it for the sake of being trendy. Her husband didn't like the idea of the honor attendant and wanted him to be GM, but she shot that down. He was happy to do that for her because she is her sister and even though he was a big uncomfortable he did it to make her happy, he even held her bouquet during the ceremony.

Shortly after we were engaged she left a comment on his facebook stating "Now I will get to be a best "man" this is going to be interesting. Do I hear the words "honor attendant" again? I think that it fits nicely!" Her EXACT comment. When I saw this I asked him if that was something he would want and he said he hadn't really though about it but that he really wanted it to be more traditional. GM that and men and BM that are women. He and I may not live a traditional pre-marriage life as far as not living together before marriage but we do want a more traditional wedding ceremony as far as our BP goes. We hadn't mentioned it to his family yet as we both thought it was far too early to be discussing BP since we had only been engaged less than a week.

A few weeks later his parents came to visit us and when we were out to lunch his mother brought up the topic, and he flat out said she would not be his honor attendant. His mother instantly said "Oh this will ruin your relationship with you sister" blah blah blah We explained that we just wanted it to be more traditional and that we would love to have her as a bridesmaid. His mother seems to think his sister won't be okay with that and that she will feel she isn't as important to him as he is to her etc. She also said she would like to think that FH's sister would be willing to be a bridesmaid but she doesn't think she will. We still haven't spoke with his sister about it yet as we have not seen her, but we will be seeing them this weekend. I'm not sure how we are going to handle the issue but we are both going to have a united front on the subject. We both say absolutely not, but I am worried it will tare his family apart.

FH and I have had a long conversation about it and we don't think that any of the GM or BM are any more or less important than the other they are all an equally important part of our lives. I also told him it shouldn't change their relationship if she really loves him she would let him have his wedding (our wedding) the way we want, just as she had hers. If anything changes in their relationship, that's on her. However if she turns down the bridesmaid offer when we ask then that's it. She won't be allowed to change her mind after she gets over herself.

Sorry this is so LONG!!! :bbeek:

[gwenshack]

Hello and welcome to OW!

Your FH has every right to decide who should stand up for him on his wedding day. My brother, a very good sport, stood up for me as my "bride's best man" and I was very grateful that he did, as he is one of my best friends and one of my favorite people. I like nontraditional weddings however. Some people, would not want an opposite sex person standing up for them.
My brother is very traditional and I would in no way expect him to ask me to stand up for him. I would want him to do what will make him happy.
I think if he broaches the subject under the veil of his desire to have a "traditional" bridal party, perhaps he could smooth things over with his sister. He needs to tell her that he loves her and appreciates her. Perhaps you all could find another job for her in the wedding - she could stand up as a bridesmaid, she could do a reading, she could be in charge of the guestbook, or you could make another job for her. She could even be sitting in the front row holding the ring he will give you and get up to give it to him as part of the ceremony. There are a million ways she could be included that do not include her standing with the groomsmen.

Best of luck to all of you! :)

[ChristineLS]

Traditions are whatever you make of them. Just because a lot of people, or one person, made a decision before doesn't mean you have to follow it if it doesn't fit in your idea of "right".

IMHO it's not emasculating or effeminating (what, no word for that? Figures.) to be on the other side of the traditional bridal party boundaries. But if that's not what you are comfortable with, don't do it.

Sometimes I wish I had made my closest friend (a man) a member of the bridal party - I didn't because he'd have no clue what to do and he's really busy, but he's been very supportive throughout the planning process - more so than the actual BP!

[Mamie2010]

It's not that we are against the idea of it. It just isn't what we want for our wedding. To be honest, I don't even care about having attendants, this is the one area in which I know its going to cause a problem with his family. My family and my two sisters would never automatically assume something like that. She apparently feels entitled.

It isn't that I hate her or anything, I really do like her. I just don't like the way she is, everything has to be her way and everyone needs to cater to her.

[gwenshack]

It's not that we are against the idea of it. It just isn't what we want for our wedding. To be honest, I don't even care about having attendants, this is the one area in which I know its going to cause a problem with his family. My family and my two sisters would never automatically assume something like that. She apparently feels entitled.

It isn't that I hate her or anything, I really do like her. I just don't like the way she is, everything has to be her way and everyone needs to cater to her.

She should understand the stress that comes along with a wedding since she just did one herself! I highly doubt she would have appreciated the imput and criticism with her planning!

I'm sure, no matter what, she'll get over it. :ooh:

[ChristineLS]

She should understand the stress that comes along with a wedding since she just did one herself! I highly doubt she would have appreciated the imput and criticism with her planning!

I'm sure, no matter what, she'll get over it. :ooh:

I agree with this. It might end up being the first of many "Thanks for your ideas... but no thanks..." Would you be upset with her being a rank and file bridesmaid? That might ice the wound a bit.

[Mamie2010]

I agree with this. It might end up being the first of many "Thanks for your ideas... but no thanks..." Would you be upset with her being a rank and file bridesmaid? That might ice the wound a bit.


I would love for her to be a bridesmaid, I wouldn't completely exclude her. However we have agreed that if she turns it down then that's it. She can't say 3 or 4 months down the road she wants to be a bridesmaid because by then I will have filled her spot, is that rude of me?

FH mother made the comment after lunch that she had her husband's (FH's father) sister as her MOH. Which I just kind of smile and said "Wow". I won't have her as my MOH, I feel like if his family is asking too much of me to do that.

[amisteratwisterandme]

I would love for her to be a bridesmaid, I wouldn't completely exclude her. However we have agreed that if she turns it down then that's it. She can't say 3 or 4 months down the road she wants to be a bridesmaid because by then I will have filled her spot, is that rude of me?

FH mother made the comment after lunch that she had her husband's (FH's father) sister as her MOH. Which I just kind of smile and said "Wow". I won't have her as my MOH, I feel like if his family is asking too much of me to do that.

I think you are justified in not letting FSIL wait for months to give you a decision, but I DO think you should give her a few weeks. That way if she is upset (shouldn't be) she has a few weeks to think about it. Sometimes people get their feelings hurt, but once they start thinking about it come to a different conclusions.

[gwenshack]

I think you are justified in not letting FSIL wait for months to give you a decision, but I DO think you should give her a few weeks. That way if she is upset (shouldn't be) she has a few weeks to think about it. Sometimes people get their feelings hurt, but once they start thinking about it come to a different conclusions.
I think that's a very good point.
The bottom line is, you're going above and beyond what many brides do for their future in-laws. I think that they'd feel lucky to have you coming into their family! I completely agree that they're asking a touch too much.

[WBandMe]

I think it's wrong of her to assume and expect that she'll be standing up with him, but maybe FMIL is just predicting when she said it'll tear them apart and she won't be a bridesmaid. Maybe when you talk to FSIL she'll be really cool about it.

But if not, well, that isn't really your problem. I'd ask her to be a BM and say that you know it's a big undertaking so you're happy to give her a week to think about it. That way you're not saying flat out, "I'll give you a week to get over yourself and stand up with us," but you're still basically doing that. I like the idea of giving her a little time to consider it, but I wouldn't wait too long for fear that if she declines, the person you ask to take her place will realize that she was asked way later than everyone else and that she's kind of a back-up. Plus you shouldn't have to put your planning on hold forever so FSIL can make up her mind.

As for the MOH thing... no way. I agree with you that that is asking way too much. It's one thing to make room for her as a BM because she's your fiance's sister, but there is no reason for you to give up a very special position that you'd rather have your own friend or family member be in. I wouldn't give it a second thought!

So, like I said, hopefully she'll be really cool about it and happy to be involved at all. But if not, be gracious and kind but stand your ground. If you cave on this you'll be irritated throughout your whole engagement, and maybe beyond. Good luck!