Civil Servant vs. Priest vs. Minister

[usahgrad]

Ok, here's my problem. I'm Catholic (sort of) and my fiance isn't. My mother is very staunchly Catholic and wants us to get married in the Catholic Church, which isn't going to happen unless my friend, who happens to be a priest can come up with a religious reason why we can get married outside. In the Catholic faith they don't believe in outdoor weddings and I'm not getting married inside unless it's raining. Besides, I've sort of fallen from the faith and don't particularly want a religious wedding. Neither does my fiance. We've thought about getting a minister to do it, but haven't looked very far into it. I know if it's a minister, it's not necessarily a religious wedding. I keep saying if we don't find anyone we'll just have JoP do it. But everyone I've talked to says I'm going to regret having a civil servant/JoP do it. I don't think I will. If we really want to be 'married in the faith' then we can renew our vows when that comes up. What's your opinion? Are you planning on minister/priest/JoP? Why?

[WhiskeyGirl]

For me, its my grandmother and my mother who wants me to get married by a priest in the catholic church, but my fiance is not religous at all and I have not set foot in a church since I graduated from high school five years ago. What you said, tells me that you would regret BEING married in a church... if I was you and since you sound like me, getting married is the most important thing, not where you get married or who you get married by. If you want to get married outside by a JP, then thats what I think you should do! If your mother, or in my case grandmother and mother, or your aunt twice removed or anyone else for that matter, has a problem with it, then I say tough! Its what you want! And what makes you and your fiance feel most comfortable. I know that if it were me and my FH, I would feel very uncomfortable standing infront of a preist saying our vows, when thats really not us! My brother and I will both be married by a JP against our mother's (and grandma's) wishes, but she still loves us, and she'll still show up at my wedding as she did for my brother's. Follow your heart, its the truest thing to you, and you will know what you want and what is best for you and your FH.

~CanadianBride~

[totalia]

I'm curious...

How is it not a religious wedding if you have a minister perform the ceremony instead of a priest?

My entire family is catholic except for me. However, none of them (or even their priests) would DARE say that a wedding performed by a minister isn't a religious one.

I was married the first time by a minister and it most definately was a religious wedding.

Now, this is your wedding. Don't let your mother try to dictate what you can and cannot do just because its what she wants.

If you and your fiance are not religious or would prefer a civil ceremony or a minister performing the wedding, they are all equally valid. What matters is that they are valid to you. No one else matters.

For this wedding, we are being married by a Justice of the Peace. The reason? I'm Wiccan and it would upset my family a great deal to have a Wiccan wedding. His family is Methodist with his father being a minister of the church. It seems the easiest and simplest way to avoid arguments from anyone is to get married by a JP. I won't regret it one bit and neither will he. Later, in private, we will renew our vows by a Wiccan Priest/Priestess and by Methodist minister (if they will agree to it since my religion is definately not one they will like). But we will do it for ourselves, not to satisfy everyone else.

[wedbyjean]

How is it not a religious wedding if you have a minister perform the ceremony I was wondering the same thing. Although, some ministers are open to "not invoking the name of Jesus" and keeping it more spiritual in nature than a specific denomination.

Jean

[usahgrad]

I meant not necessarily religious because a minister doesn't tend to require the religious-type traditions in the ceremony; i.e. readings, communion, so on and so forth. I didn't mean the wedding wouldn't be "sanctioned by God/the church" or whatever the reason is for having a minister or priest do it instead of a JoP. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

[totalia]

Ahh. That makes more sense. However, by most peoples standards, a marriage by a minister is just as good as a marriage by a priest. Both are religious in nature.

[usahgrad]

I know it's religious, by nature. However, my point was that it's not necessarily as religious as a priest. Besides, to my mother, a minister is the same as a JoP. This has become a real issue. We're very close, my mother and I, and we can talk about anything, but everytime this topic comes up one of us gets annoyed with the other.

[wedbyjean]

I think I get what you're saying what your mother feels about the difference between a priest and a minister. She's probably thinking about marriage as being one of the seven sacraments of the Catholic faith, and is having a hard time imagining a wedding ceremony taking place outside of this. I am Catholic, and can appreciate her point of view, however, I also believe that God is multi-denominational, and that He doesn't place a greater or lesser importance on a wedding performed by a priest over a minister.

In the end, you and your fiance need to choose what is right for you, whether it be a priest, a minister or a JoP.

[totalia]

Mmm, ok ask yourself this. Who is the wedding for? Now normally, I'd say to try to accomodate your family as much as possible since a wedding is more than just the joining of two people, it's the joining of two families.

However, the choice of who marries you is an incredibly important one as this one WILL affect the rest of your life.

Ask yourself what YOU want, not what your mother wants and then go with it. Your mother will probably be a little bit upset but this is something that effects you and your hubby to a very great extent.

If what you want is to get married by a minister or a judge then go ahead. This is something thats much more important than what dress your girls wear and what flowers you carry. This is something that will effect you to the core.

I wish I knew what to suggest you say to your mother but I think that, short of being married by a priest (which you said you don't want), she's going to be angry no matter what you choose.

I am actually very interested in something since my mother always said that a priest will never marry two people unless you are both catholic (never mind the getting married outdoors thing) so one must convert. You've found priests that will marry you despite the fact that (as I understand it) one of you is not Catholic?

[wedbyjean]

My husband isn't Catholic (never was, never will be, no conversion necessary), but we were married in a Catholic church (where I was a parishoner). It wasn't a full mass, just the Literagy of the Word portion, not the Literagy of the Eucharist. He did have to agree to allow me to continue practicing my faith and to accept children to practice my faith as well.

[WhiskeyGirl]

My father is also not catholic, never will be, has never wanted to be,etc. But my parents were married in a catholic church. My dad, just like Jean's husband, had to only agree to the same things as what Jean's husband did.

As far as choosing who should marry you, follow your heart...if it says outside in the sunshine with a JoP or Minister, go with it. If your heart says inside in a church with a priest...then do that instead. No one should tell you where you should get married and by whom, only you and your fiance can decide that!!

~CanadianBride~

[usahgrad]

I've seen it go both ways. A lot of what I've noticed with Catholics is if you find that there is almost always an exception. I'm trying to relocate a Jesuit priest I knew a few years ago to see if he would do the wedding outside. Jesuits tend to be much more flexible.

[totalia]

Ahh, thank you. I had wondered....

[LaceyinPgh]

Instead of doing a civil ceremony - which is completely fine - did you think of looking into a non denominationa minister or a Unitarian minister? Normally they don't really care what religion you are nor do they worry about converting one or both of you.

Tell you mother that getting married in the Catholic Church is a lot of work. When I called to ask about it since my fiance is Catholic it was going to require approximately six months of pre wedding classes and retreats. That was a committment to a church that neither my fiance nor I fully agreed with.

If you aren't comfortable with that than don't do it. It is the wedding of your dreams. Go for whatever you want. If you want an outdoor wedding with a civil official or Protestant minister than go for it. I promise you mom will get over it. My mother has gotten over all kinds of choices that I have made in my wedding. If mom doesn't get over and refuses to come look at it this way it is her loss in life and one less mouth to feed for you. :wink:

[usahgrad]

Thought I'd give y'all an update...

I was thinking the other day of alternatives that would be amicable to my mother and I and I thought of my youth minister in High School. He was part of another church in the area and all my friends were in the group, so I joined too. I tracked him down and he's very excited to have been thought of.

Now I just have the problem that my mother, who said that she'd be ok with just a religious wedding, wants to have a co-officiated wedding in which my church's priest would also be present because Catholics don't recognize other religions. I can't win!

Hopefully, this will all sort itself out, but at least the stress of finding someone is gone.