engagement ring question

[ncephas07]

so, my question is just to see how you guys feel about my situation, and i know in the end, if we are happy thats all that matters but im just curious,

so me and my fiance have a date to get married next may and we are in the start of planning our wedding, the thing is, i was never traditionally of formally proposed to (which dosent really bother me so im not complaining) so i dont have an engagement ring. the thing is, we dont have lots of money and im not a highly materialistic person, so i dont think i really need a ring.
earlier he has had me look at some so he can see what kind i like, and get fitted and everything and after a while i realized, it wasnt something i needed, i dont have one now, it does not bother me becase technically its just a materialistc thing.
then once i talked to a jewler when going to see about a gift for my aunt, the man said, to get a ring sized to fit my (3.5) would bring the price of the ring up.
i personally would rather use that money to add to our wedding (which we have to pay for ourselves) and just have a lovely wedding band.

so my question is... is this thought/idea extreamly odd not to want one?

i havent actually said anything to him about it because i wasnt sure how, or how it would take it (hes not a very materialistic person either but still)

my other thing was, i havent really openly talked to people (except for close friends, and you guys lol) about it, because the first reaction of people is like can i see your ring, whats your ring look like. it not that im ashamed to say i dont have one, but i feel that other people wouldnt understand, like i said something to the wrong person n they were like why marry someone who dosent give you a ring, (she was rude, i dont talk to her) but it was the point. and i once went in a bridal store just to look and the lady who worked there gave me funny looks because i didnt have one.

sorry if i was rambling, i tend to do that when im not sure how to put something lol

[Mrs.Goff]

It's a personal thing, if you don't want one that's fine, don't have one. Who cares what others think. Do what makes you happy. Just tell your FH that's how you feel I'm sure he'll understand.

However if it's just the money holding you back then I would suggest looking at wedding sets. Set range in price and you can get something that looks nice but doesn't break the bank. I don't know your budget or taste but I do know that there are tons of options out there.

Examples all from sears.com ...
$149.99
http://s.sears.com/is/image/Sears/04422095000?hei=180&wid=180&op_sharpen=1&qlt=75

$401.99
http://s.sears.com/is/image/Sears/1160734815047669-1?hei=180&wid=180&op_sharpen=1&qlt=75
http://s.sears.com/is/image/Sears/1020002376010450?hei=180&wid=180&op_sharpen=1&qlt=75

$899.99
http://s.sears.com/is/image/Sears/04421796000?hei=180&wid=180&op_sharpen=1&qlt=75

I wish you luck whatever you decide. Keep us updated.;)

[amisteratwisterandme]

I personally don't think there is any problem with not having an engagement ring. It does not make you guys less in love or less committed. I personally fought with my fh over this, as he wanted a diamond and I didn't. It's not something I would ever feel comfortable wearing anyway, so we compromised and got a ring that I loved, and do wear.

Some people will say that they need a ring to feel engaged, and that is okay too. The thing to remember is that by doing what is best for you and your fh, your are building a stronger relationship.

I would say to talk to him and see what he thinks. If he really wants to get you a ring, see if he is willing to get something smaller that you like, and put away any left over money towards your wedding fund.

[chocawhit]

It's what you want to do. If you don't want a ring simply because you don't want to spend the money, you could always do something nontraditional. Diamonds, I think, are over priced. There are some really pretty stones out there that you could get that would not be as expensive.

If it's that you don't want one, then stand up for it! My advisor thinks that engagement rings are ridiculous (it's not me ladies, so don't attack). She says that all an engagement ring just allows a man to mark his territory. "Men don't get rings, so why should women be forced to display that they are somenone's property. I am no one's property!" She's a mess, but a funny one. The point of this is, do what you are comfortable with. You know what the two of you have, don't let anyone make you second guess yourself.

[ncephas07]

thanx for your reply, i think another reason was because not being much of a jewlery person i really didnt see many settings that i liked, (or that could be put into a size 3.5). i like the more of a subtile recessed diamond look, or sets that belended in to look like one ring.

another thing is, my teeny fingers are so small i think 2 rings would dominate my hand, and i know some people who eventually just wear their band, but i find that a waste to have something that cost so much to not wear

[ksherlin]

I think it is your personal decision if you do not want a ring. The only reason I wanted one is because I wanted people (strangers) to know that I was taken. However, if you are secure enough (and it sounds like you are) then I wouldn't worry about it. You know you love him and he loves you! Maybe you could set aside a little but a month to buy one when the wedding gets closer if you want one. That way you will be able to do the ring ceremony at the wedding. There are many options and places that you can get rings for cheaper that look great!!! Infact, mine was on clearance. Walmart has nice rings for just a couple hundred dollars and zales.com or kay.com has a clearance section and you can usually order them in any size. It costs about $40 to size it, but if you buy them ther, then you get a lifetime warranty! I have to give you credit for not being concerned about having one! That is great that we ahve women in this world who would rather have love then material things!!! Good luck on the wedding! Congratulations!

[SkippyNXC]

do what makes you happy... I told FH over and over that i didn't need an engagement ring... it would be nice but completely unnecessary... i think FH felt he had to b/c all of his friends bought their then fiance's rings n now he says "it's just a starter ring" b/c he thinks everyone's diamond is bigger than mine (it's a 3/4 ctw. solitare... not puny by my standards)

i have several friends who simply have plain gold bands and never had engagement rings... i know others who bought a really pretty gemstone ring and wore that...

if it's a cost issue and u want a ring, get a CZ or white sapphire... (zales.com has some pretty AND cheap white saph pieces n u'd never know it wasn't a diamond)

if u don't want a ring DON"T GET A RING :)

[chocawhit]

i think FH felt he had to b/c all of his friends bought their then fiance's rings n now he says "it's just a starter ring" b/c he thinks everyone's diamond is bigger than mine (it's a 3/4 ctw. solitare... not puny by my standards)

Why do they do that? I LOVE my ring so don't think that I am complaining, but it told FH that I would be extatic with a band or a small diamond. I would rather use the money for our down payment on a house or something for the two of us to benefit from. He goes out and buys me a huge (in my standards) 1.25 ct solitaire! I love it, but wow! He said he couldn't stand puttinig something anything else on my finger. Is it a competition thing? You know how boys can be! LOL! When ever any of my friends see it, I always say that he spoiled the heck out of me, and feel like I have to defend myself by saying that I didn't ask for a big one!

[SkippyNXC]

yeah for FH all his friends are lawyers n professionals and have been out working for almost 10 years so they HAVE money... well FH was in residency until the end of june... he didn't make money... he admits it's a pride thing... LOL

[ChristineLS]

Just like what Nicole was saying, I think men (and I feel completely comfortable generalizing about this one) feel it's necessary, and they are some how a deficient partner if they don't put anything on your finger. Even if in their rational, logical mind, they realize it's not important, there is something visceral and socialized to make them feel that way.

I was engaged without a ring, and I hated it. Not the being without a ring part so much - I kind of agree with Chocawit's advisor, as if it were anything but territory, or if marital status weren't such a bigger status symbol for women, men would wear engagement rings too. And we'd think it was just as normal. The thing with social customs is that they are invented, maybe a long time ago, but still someone made them up and following them isn't a matter of some sort of absolute right, but socialized one.

But I hated it because no one believed me, or they thought that my fiance was some sort of cheap SOB because of it. He's not, for the record. I don't like diamonds, I don't like pollution, and there are a lot of values that I have which the jewelry industry counters. But there was a lot of social pressure, and I feel like that might be part of the story here?

I have a ring with a half carat (I think) emerald flanked by gold triquenta knots. It's gorgeous, comfortable as a ring, and very much me. Will gave it to me and told me I could upgrade it later on. I replied with, "Why would I want to do that?" The plan was that I'd give him an engagement watch, but since he's so picky about his electronics, I just got it for him. Even though I don't feel this way, and he knows better, I think he feels like because there isn't a ton of wealth sitting on my left hand, he's done me a disservice. I feel like there's too much wealth on my left hand and frequently switch it out with a silver band when biking (which I do a lot) or other activities because I feel it's too nice! But I wanted a ring, and you don't feel that way.

Don't bow to pressure you're uncomfortable with. There is nothing wrong with not wanting a ring if that's more genuine to yourself. After all, the genuine you is who your fiance is marrying and the reason you'd get a sign of commitment anyway.

If people as to see your ring, just concisely say something to the effect of "My fiance and I didn't feel that it was necessary for us - we know how deep our commitment is" or something like that.

If you want a ring and don't want an expensive one, there are a lot of ways around it. There are some gorgeous wooden rings on Etsy (I would have done that if I wasn't such a klutz), they do wonderful things with titanium, there's silver, recycled rings, and who says they even have to have a diamond or a stone at all? They can be whatever you want them to be, as long as they make you comfortable with it or the lack there of :)

Nothing wrong with it at all, as far as I am concerned. :D

PS welcome to the board!

[LuLu86]

I know what u mean about ppl saying lemme see ur ring! my first marriage i didnt have one at all ever. we were drunk and i asked him! lol but i was ok with not having one. I got an engagement ring this time but my band is tungsten. I went and bought a 'cheapy' cz from belks dept. store the first time for like 20 bucks and went on my way.
If you'd rather have more for your wedding, u just tell ppl 'i dont need a ring, i'd rather party a lil harder at my wedding!' lol can i getta AMEN!?

[lilmsjess]

:irked:i don't have an e-ring now either...i did but we gave it to my sister when she turned 13, as a sign of "self promise".....

now, i wear a ring i got for mom's day...it's all sapphire, it's 1ctw or so in a regular blue(a marquise solitaire), and then about a carat or 2 in baguettes and round cut white sapphires...

but it's not my actual e-ring...fh gave me a promise ring when we literally first got together, and the other day i told him i just wanted it reset, and then a white gold band, and he's happy with that...it's a "passover" style, where the setting sits between the band, rather than the stones being on top, in a separate setting...and it's tanzanite, a 5 petal tiny flower, with a tiny diamond in the middle...kmart sells it! its $80 now, but we got it for $25 ;)

and the all tanzanite white gold eternity band i want for it, is $120...that's if i don't go for cz and tanzanite, making it only $50 ;)

but then, we also found a 3 piece set we like, so it's 2 choices and i'm content wearing a big blue ring right now lol....

oh and hey, when talking to a jeweler, if you decided you want an e-ring, or when you get your band, rather than asking about them sizing it, find out about them custom making it...

and i've NEVER heard of it costing more to make it smaller, as they're going to take a HUGE chunk out of a size 7, to make it a 3.5 and they don't give you back that gold

[SkippyNXC]

it costs more to size it down that small b/c the jeweler will have to do more work... when it goes down to that size, they have to remove every stone that is set in the ring... size it... then re-set all of the stones...

otherwise if they went to size it all the stones would pop out n potentially get lost ;)

[lilmsjess]

i found a few sites for you to look at....please don't be offended, but to save you the $ for sizing and customizing, i looked for "childrens diamond rings"

this is only $50, tiny diamond in yellow gold...size 3.5
http://www.loveivy.com/scpt/main/item_page.php?code=crimar-RG24

and this is 50...size 3 though
http://www.jewelbasket.com/jbuu19316.html

if the stone is not an issue, i found A TON of beautiful stainless steel and cz engagement rings/sets, BUT sizes start at 5, b/c it's more a "teens" ring than a "childrens" ring

[Jacklynn]

Where is Brandi??? She doesn't (or at least didn't not sure if she has one now) have a ring.

I don't think you have to have a ring, but if it would make you/your FH feel better get something cheap/fake or whatever. Not many people will know the difference. I had a friend that used a gumball machine ring as her engagement ring. It wasn't because they couldn't afford it but because it meant more to them (because of an inside joke) than a $1000 ring would have meant.

[2dBride]

I had a large engagement ring with my first marriage. It always made me nervous when I had to do things like walk around downtown after dark. The ring itself was insured, but I didn't want anyone hurting me to get it.

This time around, we both decided that we didn't want engagement rings. There are a whole bunch of reasons--concern over conflict diamonds, concern over the environmental costs of gold, etc.--but ultimately, neither of us really wanted one. We will both have plain gold wedding bands (both vintage, so no new energy was used) at our wedding. But between now and then, all our friends know we are engaged, and we are just not big on impressing strangers.

[PGDesigns]

I think the ladies here have given you some wonderful input.

I dated my husband for over ten years before we were finally married. We knew just a short time into the relationship that we would get married. There was no official proposal, and we finally went to pick out rings. People didn't really take us seriously without one... It was kinda like "Why are you planning this wedding? You don't even have a ring yet!" And literally everyday after we announced we were getting married, people asked where the ring was. It was really annoying.

Not having one doesn't make it any less official, IMO, though. There are a lot of people who choose not to have an e-ring or a wedding band.

The great thing now is that if you do choose to have one, it is more and more common to skip the traditional ring. There are a variety of stones and materials used in all price ranges.

The most important thing is that regardless of what you decide, you are happy.

[moonrai1980]

I wasn't sure i wanted and engagement ring either. but then i looked for wedding band sets and found some really nice ones. i'm not big on diamonds either. And plus i'm really budget minded and didn't want to set him back a whole lotta money. i finally found what i wanted after looking and looking online. i found my perfect ring at JC Penny i think it ended up being 247 with taxes and shipping i got it on sale. and they are very pretty and i save up some money and got him a wedding band made from titanium that matches the design on my ring and spent around 128 with shipping. i had wanted something simple but in the end it looks extravagant and no one can tell its not a real diamond.

[FutureMrsWilson]

I didn't care for one either in the beginning, for the same budget reasons as you.

We already have a house, and thus several monetary obligations already. As well, my goal is to pay off my Jeep (which I've only had for a little over a year!!) by next May - if I expected him to get me a ring, I would have felt obligated to take on more payments with the house, the vehicles, etc and it would have set our long-term goals back a bit. Completely not worth it.

Once at Wal-Mart before I knew he was thinking about it, he goes "Look, these are only$150.00 and they look just fine." I agreed, and said what I've always said "The guy I marry can propose to me with a ring pop, for all I care. As long as its the right person, it doesn't matter whats on or not on my finger."

My thing was - I'm clumsy. And I do a lot of outside work (horses, cows, tractors) - that puts a nice, fancy, large ring into a lot of dangerous situations. I did tell him from the very beginning that if he were to buy a ring, I'd want it to be small, possibly without a raised stone. My opinion is that large rings are too showy - that love and marriage is intimate and personal, and a smaller ring sybmolizes the closeness of the relationship (I know, it may be weird, but I've always felt like that.. re: the girl I work with who forced her husband who she hates to buy an eight stone e-ring, witha very large ruby in the center)


In the end - he surprised me and proposed with his Great-grandmother's 3-stone e-ring... I was shocked, but happy he didn't buy one and thrilled that he entrusted me with something so special.

A lady I knew in college didn't have an e-ring until her 10th wedding anniversary, because she wanted to save for a downpayment on a house as well.

If its something you think you want just for social reasons, and are tired of people being ridiculous about it, you can always get a $70 couple's ring (they have some pretty ones in a variety of materials).

[suzy doo-mee]

I wear a $25 silver and CZ ring from Avon...I LIKE the style...it's unusual...it's ME...and I'd rather spend the big $$ on traveling. MY 'engagement ring' was a trip to London and annual passes to Disneyworld and we're going to Italy next spring. I'd rather have that than a 'rock' on my hand.

I WANT to wear a really pretty gothic lookin ring that i LOVE ($12.95 at the Magic Kingdom) but he absolutely REFUSES to let me use it for my wedding ring. *Wiggles her eyesbrows* We'll see about that.

You make your own choices and don't give a FLIP what other people think. It's the only way to be happy. :)

[NOTKT]

I actually wear my wedding band by itself quite a lot. Its simple and easier to maintain. When I have my e-ring on, I'm so worried about it.

[Aly & Chaz]

My ring isn't a diamond, I like to be a little different :) It has 2 little diamonds on it, though, and 2 pink tourmalines and an Aquamarine and it was only $100. It's perfect and I love it, I don't care how much it cost.

[FutureMrs.Lestician87]

Don't worry about what others say if you don't have a ring,it's your choice.Plus you and your FH are going to use the money to go to your wedding.Don't worry what other people say and just enjoy (or try to) planning the wedding with your FH.Good luck. :p

[ChristineLS]

My ring isn't a diamond, I like to be a little different :) It has 2 little diamonds on it, though, and 2 pink tourmalines and an Aquamarine and it was only $100. It's perfect and I love it, I don't care how much it cost.

Ooooooooh, picture please! :D

[FutureMrs.Lestician87]

I know what u mean about ppl saying lemme see ur ring! my first marriage i didnt have one at all ever. we were drunk and i asked him! lol but i was ok with not having one. I got an engagement ring this time but my band is tungsten. I went and bought a 'cheapy' cz from belks dept. store the first time for like 20 bucks and went on my way.
If you'd rather have more for your wedding, u just tell ppl 'i dont need a ring, i'd rather party a lil harder at my wedding!' lol can i getta AMEN!?

AMEN!! ;):yesnod:

[ncephas07]

Ooooooooh, picture please! :D

i agree, i would LOVE a pic, that sounds beautiful

[melissa1031]

Honestly,I dont wear my engagement ring that often.In fact hardly ever.I take it off when I do dishes,clean,shower.i used to put it in my pocket and then put it back on when I'm done.but now it just sits in my jewelry box.I hardly ever wear it..When we're married I plan on just wearing the wedding band.

[RosieAngel]

This is a really personal choice, so I won't give you any advice on what decision to make, but no, I don't think it's weird for you to not have or want an e-ring. I know plenty of happily married couples who just wear a plain gold wedding band - it's lovely, cheap, and it tells the world that you are taken! :D

I have an engagement ring, but I prefer to wear my simple eternity band on its own. It's less cumbersome than my e-ring, that's for sure! Nobody ever questioned why I wear it like this, probably because a lot of other women do!

[Aly & Chaz]

http://photos-e.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc1/hs215.snc1/8234_126097599932_509954932_2220769_1518224_n.jpg (http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=2336074&id=509954932)

[Aly & Chaz]

I can't get any good pics of it so here is the link, too: http://www.helzberg.com/product/jewelry/rings/diamond+%26+colored+gem/cushion+cut+aquamarine+ring+1677397.do?sortby=pric eAscend