To Have A Ring Bearer or To Not...

[MrsFuchs09]

That is my question.

Background info (without my usually long page story telling, promise this time!): My aunt's son, my five year old cousin, was supposed to be my ring bearer. Note-she has three kids, he is the oldest.

Her daughter, age three, and the was/might be ring bear always hang out, they go everywhere together, so she says.

When my aunt and uncle got their invitation, it only said three seats were reserved for them. Meaning the two younger kids would not be allowed to attend. My aunt asked my mother about it and my mom said we didn't want kids, with the exception of the RB and FG, there and she pointed out we'd have to pay for them. She understood, but she said she was afraid her three year old daughter would get upset (toddlers understand everything nowadays, it seems. When I was five, I didn't know **** about what was going on much less at three! And take into consideration, that was only 15 years ago! Kids are smarter today. My 5 year old sister is a prime example too; she knows how to take a picture without messing it up!!!! She did at three too, I remember because I asked her multiple times to take pictures of me!!!. Sorry, story telling again...)

Anywho, she doesn't want to leave the three year old at home. She thinks she'd feel punished and get upset because her brother is going and she isn't "allowed". My aunt and uncle even offered to pay for her to go! My mother than said she didn't want the three year old daughter to take away from my sister, the flower girl, because the three year old is the star of the family (she is cute!).

My aunt and uncle then said they didn't want to bring either of them then, because they didn't want to have to explain to their daughter. The youngest child, who's about 2 now (maybe 1 1/2?), wasn't going to go anyway (They understood that, and wouldn't have brought him even if he were invited, and they also said he wouldn't understand and get upset...so it didn't matter. They didn't want to bring him anyway, he's..."fussy.")

They said they have no problem not taking the kids and just going together as a couple, but it was up to me.

A girlfriend of my other uncle, who's pretty much a part of the family, said my aunt and uncle (the other one, not her boyfriend) go to weddings all the time alone, but their children are never apart of the wedding party. This is different then.

I have no answer. I want a ring bearer, but I don't want his little sister taking away from my sister, I promised her she'd be the princess and I'd be the queen (she's very excited!). Because my grandparents are always all over the three year old. Besides, I didn't want kids there to begin with. I don't think a wedding is a place for kids, there usually not kid friendly. Even if FH and I are having an alcohol free wedding. Plus, I think parents deserve a night off every now and then.

So, what do you guys think?

Should I let the daughter come or just say no and have my aunt and uncle come alone?

[sandy03]

I really don't know what to tell you. Personally I disagree with you about the place of kids at a wedding because I feel like weddings are a celebration of family and children are an important part of family so it's hard for me to understand the desire to NOT have them there.

I kind of think that if you are going to include one child (especially in the same family), you should include all of them out of fairness. Even if the little sister doesn't understand the wedding part, she will understand that brother gets to go someplace special and she doesn't get to go.

It is your special day and if you really don't want the little sister there you shouldn't have her there. But, if you are serious about not wanting the sister to take away from your flower girl, then I don't think you should use the ring bearer.

Is there someone else you could ask to be the ring bearer instead?

[WBandMe]

I understand not wanting children at your wedding (we didn't invite any) especially if one of them is going to steal the show. That isn't fair to your little sister who doesn't know any better than to feel rejected/unimportant.

I really think that it's the parents' job to make it up to the 3 yr old... you know, your brother is going out with us tonight, and we're going to take you somewhere special tomorrow. But, you can't make plans for a family, so you gotta play by their rules.

So, in that case, I would just invite the parents and not have any of the children there at all.

[f77g4]

I voted other because I think it is entirely up to you.

I don't understand how/why you would have a FG & RB and then plan to have no kids at the wedding. Personally, I"m all about being fair so if one is invited then so aren't the others...but thats just me.....

I think you should have another kid if your sister if the FG otherwise she may be bored not having any kids around her age to party with.

[yam102284]

I voted other because I think it is entirely up to you.

I don't understand how/why you would have a FG & RB and then plan to have no kids at the wedding. Personally, I"m all about being fair so if one is invited then so aren't the others...but thats just me.....

I think you should have another kid if your sister if the FG otherwise she may be bored not having any kids around her age to party with.


I agree with this. I know some children are perfectly fine being the only kids at an event like this, but I think most children would be bored. Unless you're going to have other things for her to do. I know for the kids in my wedding, I'll have coloring books and whatnot for them so they won't get bored easily.

I also agree with Sandy. To me, if I didn't have these children at my wedding, it wouldn't seem like my wedding to me. The kids in my wedding all mean the world to us. They are my two cousins, his two cousins, and his 2 nieces and nephew. I know that seems like a lot, but they all mean a lot to us, and I want them involved in our special day. I don't think there will be other kids there; maybe our friends, who will have a newborn, and I'm of course not going to tell them they can't bring him or her.

Okay, enough of my rambling. It's entirely up to you, it's your wedding. If you think your sister would be fine being the only child at the wedding, then have no ring bearer and have your aunt and uncle attend by themselves. But if she might get bored, then have the daughter come and brother bring the ring bearer. But whatever the choice, do whatever you want. Don't let other people pressure you into a decision, and try not to get too stressed about it. :)

[MrsFuchs09]

I don't understand how/why you would have a FG & RB and then plan to have no kids at the wedding. Personally, I"m all about being fair so if one is invited then so aren't the others...but thats just me.....



When my parents renewed their vows, I was five (my sisters age) and my brother was nine. I was the FG, my brother was the RB. We have cousins that are in our age group, and they weren't invited.

I remember the wedding like it was yesterday. I had a blast being the only "cute" girl there and having everyone think I was the cutest thing in the world. I hung out with my brother the whole day too, and we had a lot of fun.

I always wanted a wedding like theirs ever since I was old enough to know what was really going on that day. I guess it's just how I was raised to think weddings should be like.

I've been to plenty of weddings where the flower girl and ring bearer were the only kids there. They didn't look upset at all. But, honestly, I've never seen a wedding where there were multiple kids running around the dance floor with the flower girl and ring bearer playing with them. Maybe it's just my family. I don't know.

I was the flower girl for the aunt that I was speaking about in the orginal post; I was about nine or eight. She didn't have other kids there either.

[tk93]

I've been to plenty of weddings where the flower girl and ring bearer were the only kids there. They didn't look upset at all. But, honestly, I've never seen a wedding where there were multiple kids running around the dance floor with the flower girl and ring bearer playing with them. Maybe it's just my family. I don't know.

I've also been to plenty of weddings where this was case. It's entirely your call if you want to make it an adults only function but still include certain little ones as your RB and FG. I think it's totally acceptable. I don't think it's about fairness in any way because your little sibling or child does NOT mean the same to you as a family friend's child, etc.

I agree with WBandMe about it being the parents' responsibility to handle the 3 year old. They shouldn't put this on you to say "if both are not invited, neither is coming". That seems a bit jouvenile actually. But in any case, this being the situation, how important is it for you to have a RB? Do you have a special bond with the 5 yr old that you asked him to be your RB or is it simply because he's close enough and is the right age?

Personally, I'm all about the adults only weddings and didn't want any "adorable" little ones disrupting my wedding, so we did away with RB and FG. That said, if I was in your shoes (without knowing any more than what you've already told us), I would do without the RB and let my little sister have her day without being overshadowed by a "cuter" cousin.

[MrsFuchs09]

Thanks girls for your replies. I think I'm going to call my aunt and tell her she can come alone with her husband.

My five year old cousin and I aren't really close anyway. Plus, he hates wearing tuxes and is very picky about his shoes. He only wears those krocks (sp?) lol.

[f77g4]

When my parents renewed their vows, I was five (my sisters age) and my brother was nine. I was the FG, my brother was the RB. We have cousins that are in our age group, and they weren't invited.

I remember the wedding like it was yesterday. I had a blast being the only "cute" girl there and having everyone think I was the cutest thing in the world. I hung out with my brother the whole day too, and we had a lot of fun.

I always wanted a wedding like theirs ever since I was old enough to know what was really going on that day. I guess it's just how I was raised to think weddings should be like.

I've been to plenty of weddings where the flower girl and ring bearer were the only kids there. They didn't look upset at all. But, honestly, I've never seen a wedding where there were multiple kids running around the dance floor with the flower girl and ring bearer playing with them. Maybe it's just my family. I don't know.

I was the flower girl for the aunt that I was speaking about in the orginal post; I was about nine or eight. She didn't have other kids there either.

And thats fair....in my experience, weddings I've been to with kids, the kids are running around screaming, etc....we aren't having any RB or FG for that reason....and although my cousins are invited, I stopped at the 1st cousins to save from having too many little ones around...and my youngest first cousin is in middle school....

but like I said with my vote and in my inital post - the decision is entirely yours and I think the decision you made sounds great...every family has different dynamics,etc.

[finallyabride35]

there are so many things to think about and you are causing more drama when there doesn't need to be any.

so what if this girl is cuter than your sister, she needs to get over it. its going to be a long life ahead of her if she can't.

[MrsFuchs09]

there are so many things to think about and you are causing more drama when there doesn't need to be any.

so what if this girl is cuter than your sister, she needs to get over it. its going to be a long life ahead of her if she can't.

This problem has been long solved. My sister is five. Get over it? Yeah, okay. You can't tell a five year old to get over something like that...She wouldn't understand.

You're new here, don't cause problems that don't have to be started. Think about that, then look at the date of the thread before posting.

Thanks