You know, I'm not a complete idiot

[WBandMe]

DH is very smart. We went to the same college and studied different areas, and I'd say while we definitely each have strengths over each other, at the end of the day he's probably smarter than me if you were to add it all together. That doesn't mean I'm not intelligent though, and DH will acknowledge that and tell me he knows... but then he totally acts like I'm not!

For example, I hung up a new large, heavy picture while he was working and he got home and asked if I hung it on a stud. No, DH, in fact I just used sticky-tack and scotch tape to put it up there, so it doesn't even matter if it's on a stud! I just feel like he has to double check or second guess everything I do and say.

I'll tell him that, say, that pile is all junk mail to be recycled... and he'll sit there and go through it anyway. What does he think I'm going to do, throw away the gas bill? If we can't find it, we don't have to pay it?

Or a few weeks ago we got a new dryer, and the door opened so that it would get in the way if you were coming from the washer, so I went to flip the door around. I was almost done and I asked him to come hold the door for me because I couldn't hold it in the right spot and get the screw in. So he came over, got the most horrified look on his face, and was like "What are you doing?!" and got kind of pissy with me. What did he think I was doing, dismantling the entire dryer just for the fun of it? It's just so frustrating.. you know, believe it or not, I CAN make a decision all by my tiny little self! :irked:

Last one... we got into it on the phone the other day because I brought this one up to him. He's super protective about his personal info, which is fine, but we're married and sharing insurance and finances and whatnot, and sometimes I might need it. I called him from the doctor's office because the form I was filling out asked for the ins. policyholder's social security number. He was at work and there was one other person in the waiting room, so she and all the nurses could hear me, and I was trying to make the call quick.

"Hey, really quick, what are the last four of your social because I forgot?"
"Uhh... why do you need that?"
"It's for a form at the doctor's"
"Yeah... but.. what do you need it for? Can you ask them if you actually need it before you write it down?"
"I need it because the form needs the policyholder's number"
"Well, I don't see why..."

Well, DH, "why" is because I am the one sitting here with a form in front of me, and I'm not one that tends to make things difficult for the people in charge of taking care of my health (heh, then billing me for it) and I'm not going to make an idiot of myself in the middle of the waiting room.

So then a couple of days later I was trying to log into the vision insurance website to see what our coverage is, and I texted him and said I needed his employee ID number. He called me from his desk and asked what I was doing and why I needed it.

It's just so irritating... you want me on your insurance, I need to have access to the insurance. I need to write down the insurance info on forms at the doctor. That's just how it works. He acts like I'm trying to sell his identity on the black market.

I just wish that I could ask him for a piece of information and his first response wouldn't be to ask what I need it for. It makes me feel like a little kid.

Anyway we talked it over and he said he'll make an effort to not question me so much, as long as I make an effort to not just give out his information freely. Problem is, I argue that the doctor's office isn't just 'giving it out' for no good reason, and he thinks it is. So I don't know how we're supposed to decide whether his info was used appropriately.

I don't want you guys to think that he belittles me or treats me poorly or anything like that--he's good to me and he'd kiss my feet if I asked him to. The only thing is we both have very different ways of doing things or ideas of how they should be, and instead of trying to compromise and find "our" way, he's trying to train me to do things his way.

[Danielle9608]

I'm sorry you feel like an idiot. I'm sure he doesn't mean to make you feel like that. I often unintentionally do that to Jon. Not because I don't think he did something right, but because I am very particular about how I want something done. My advice to you is speak up when he you makes you feel that way. Jon is good about telling me when I am being a witch. I try not to be so type A all of the time. He tires to see it from my way and let me know when I am being demanding - that way feelings/emotions don't get pent up. Plus if you don't say something, he might not know that he is doing anything wrong.

[WebLady]

DH and I have similar issues at times; he will talk to me like I am a child or will snap at me when I don't get something right away or question why something is the way it is. We talk about it when it happens and he says sorry and it is usually a while before it happens again. Usually it is when he is stressed and/or has something else on his mind, so I try to keep that in mind too.

Like Danielle said, I would try talking to your DH and explain how you feel. Try not to be acusitory as that would likely just make him defensive. Try to explain that you understand him wanting to keep some things private and that he may have a certain way of doing things ... but that as his wife you will need to know things about him and will need to share that info with certain places where you have joint accounts ... and you may not always do things exactly how he would.

Hopefully you can learn to see things as the other would and be a little more understanding of each other and work as a team more.

Good luck!

[FFC]

I'm guilty of this.... I know it bugs Matt too, so I am still trying to make an effort to trust him when it comes to getting stuff done. My problem is, I usually end up doing whatever it is over because it wasn't done right, or completely. When it comes to paperwork & finances, he won't let me use his card to pay bills - it has to be my card because I do all my bill paying online, and he doesn't let me use his card online. So.... I understand where you're coming from, and to a point, I understand where William coming from. It's *so* hard to just hand over the reins... I've been working hard to do that for Matt because he's told me the same thing you just said - I treat him like a kid sometimes.

Hang in there.. I hope that William can understand how frustrating it is and work through his over-bearing-ness.

[Jacklynn]

I'm sorry you feel like he is always second guessing you.

If it makes you feel any better about the insurance/doctor/ssn thing - my dad refuses to give his social to anyone for anything unless it is for tax purposes. He says they don't need it. hahaha so he won't give it to even the doctor.

[starsthrumysoul]

Lol, I haven't even read your entire post yet but HAD to respond.. DH does the same thing to me!!!!!!

For instance, he does laundry... While we're getting it together, he'll ask me if I've gotten the papers out of a pair of pants... I'll say yes, but then he'll pick them up and go through them anyway. So I'll say "but of course, I don't know what the hell I'm talking about so you should go through them anyway," just being sarcastic...

He does this sort of stuff to me ALL THE TIME! And it's gotten worse with house stuff - Even though he knows I'm book smart, I think he thinks I'm incompetent when it comes to little, practical things. He'll just "remind" me of things..

Although, I've caught myself doing it too. Like at our rehearsal dinner, he was taking friends over to see the new house and before he left I said "make sure you turn all the lights off before you leave." Then I was like... "of course you know that, I don't know why I said that.." I think it's just a check system or something :-P

[WBandMe]

Although, I've caught myself doing it too. Like at our rehearsal dinner, he was taking friends over to see the new house and before he left I said "make sure you turn all the lights off before you leave." Then I was like... "of course you know that, I don't know why I said that.." I think it's just a check system or something :-P

That's the thing! He'll do stuff to me all day (and the papers in the pants thing is SO something he'd do) and then I'll be like "Make sure the door is locked" or something that, if he said it to me, would just be a friendly reminder, and he'll get all irritated and say I'm acting like his mother!

It's reassuring to know that so many of you have similar stuff going on. I guess it is difficult when two people have spent their whole lives doing things a certain way and then they suddenly get thrown together. Oh well, if this the biggest problem we ever have in our marriage, I'll take it!

[Dani]

I call us the Bickersons. We are the same way...I understand your pain! lol.

I too feel like I am being micro-managed sometimes..its like...uh, I am an ADULT. If its not done his way, its wrong..but he's not always like that, I think men get PMS too. :)

[starsthrumysoul]

Oh well, if this the biggest problem we ever have in our marriage, I'll take it!

I remind myself of that ALLLLLLLL the time!

[gwenshack]

I'm so guilty of this. DH is actually smarter than me, but he has really bad ADD and constantly loses track of things or skips steps, so I totally ask him 600 questions! And, PS, my DH hates it.

Just off the top of my head, last night, as we're getting on the plane to come home, I ask "Do you have your boarding pass?" And he gives me this look like he's not 4, which makes me feel so guilty. But, in my defense, there have been 2 separate occasions when he put his boarding pass in his back pocket and it fell out and we were scurrying around the airport retracing his steps trying to find it.

[mitch]

Or a few weeks ago we got a new dryer, and the door opened so that it would get in the way if you were coming from the washer, so I went to flip the door around. I was almost done and I asked him to come hold the door for me because I couldn't hold it in the right spot and get the screw in. So he came over, got the most horrified look on his face, and was like "What are you doing?!" and got kind of pissy with me. What did he think I was doing, dismantling the entire dryer just for the fun of it? It's just so frustrating.. you know, believe it or not, I CAN make a decision all by my tiny little self! :irked:


I get stupid questions from DH.

For example, he came home the other day and found me in the shed. I was surrounded by packing boxes and tools. Sorting out stuff and boxing it up. Now bear in mind we move house soon.
What did DH say?

"What you doing"

I just looked at him totally deadpan and replied,
"I'm building a Pyramid. WTF does it look like i'm doing?"

Or he'll phone me up and the first words asked.

"What you up to"

Well i've stopped doing anything of any great importance. Just to answer the **** phone. :whyme:

Drives me insane. But i wouldn't change him for the world.

In your case it is obviously the transgression of being single to being a couple. Everyone has their quirks.

DH has a habit of winding me up to the point i actually believe what he is saying. Like i'll ask him to make a cup of tea and he will tut and say something along the lines of "Do i have to do everything around here. Thought you was the dutiful wife". Then i get a guilt trip for not looking after him properly.
So i have to stop him in mid flow and wind him up by something along the lines of "No not totally everything. Just make the bloody tea" :rofl:

[FFC]

Mitch, you just described Matt to a T.

I'll be working on my homework for HOURS, and he comes in at least 3 times and asks "Whatchya up to babe?". Umm... Same thing I was up to an hour ago since my rear hasn't moved and I'm still plunking away at the keyboard. Yes, it drives me nuts... and yes, it just adds to his personality.

[amisteratwisterandme]

Yup, mine does this too. This is probably...Nope...This is my BIGGEST issue with fh. I know he works with a bunch of idiots, but don't come home and treat me like one.

He over explains, which is bad enough, but then he over explains his over-explanation. Confused? Like if I asked him what the air pressure in a tire is for instance. He will tell me a low tire can cause balance issues, and the vehicle will pull to the left or right, and I say I know, I just can't remember what you have been keeping them at, and he ignores that and goes into a speech about tires are built a certain way, and they have a minimum psi and a maximum psi and during the summer he likes to keep the tires this way because it is so hot here and hot air expands and during the winter he likes this much air pressure and on and on and on.
So after 20 minutes I say: Okay, so my question is, WHAT ARE YOU KEEPING THE TIRE PRESSURE AT RIGHT NOW? TODAY? I didn't ask how a tire works, or why having certain psi is better depending on driving conditions, I may not know what type of rubber is used on the tire, but come on, I'm not totally stupid. I get it. I know not having the right psi could potentially be dangerous. I know the sidewall can go bad if you have the tires under or over inflated.
I don't need to, not do I care to be lectured about all things tires. Just tell me the correct tire pressure TODAY.

[WBandMe]

^^DH does the same thing, with explaining to me when I just have a question. Or, what really drives me nuts, he'll say something and I'll miss it, so I'll ask him, "What?" and then instead of just repeating it, he'll explain it or word it a different way. I get so frustrated and snap at him that I'm not stupid, I just didn't hear what he said! Grr!

[lilmsjess]

don't worry....fh and i have issues like this...although if he gets really "stupid" about something, i'll totally dumb down what i'm saying, like to a 3 year old...then he catches how HE is talking, and stop :)

as for personal info, ****, the only thing idk about him, is his dl number, and only because he replaced his CA license with 1 from KY....other than that i know it all:winktongue: :rofl:

i started taking care of his financials, after we'd been together, uhhhhh ohhhh maybe 3 or 4 months? it's easier for me to have it all put together....as for throwing out junk mail, he never even checks the mail, so for all he knows, he really has won the publishers clearing house award, or that maybe i really have stolen his identity lol....but, luckily i'm the only 1 with this info...and i know that because his ex called me for a week straight, every single freakin day, asking for the last 4 of his social...which i had thought was on her military id card, but apparently she'd lost that(she was calling to get the number to get a new spouse card, but she couldn't, without him there to begin with ;) )

[amisteratwisterandme]

^^DH does the same thing, with explaining to me when I just have a question. Or, what really drives me nuts, he'll say something and I'll miss it, so I'll ask him, "What?" and then instead of just repeating it, he'll explain it or word it a different way. I get so frustrated and snap at him that I'm not stupid, I just didn't hear what he said! Grr!

It's frustrating! In our case, fh has the capacity to remember everything he has ever seen or heard, and I? I can remember the important things, but not all of it.

I sometimes wonder if it is so much that fh thinks I am an idiot, or if it is just me being overly sensitive. If you were to ask him, he would say that I am the smartest person he knows. Not that I know everything, but if I want to now something or change something, I figure out the steps I need to take to do it, and to him that is monumental. I try to remember that when I am getting what feels like a lecture, but it does get hard sometimes. I have to sit him down every once in a while and remind him that I am his partner, not his daughter.

[EarlyBird]

i got half way through your post and thought OH DEAR LORD, I DO THAT TO MIKE!!!!! hahaha- for the most part i only do it because i know he is a forgetful mind and will forget to do something like blow out a candle, take a pen out of the pocket of pants etc- but then i find myself doing it for things like the cards too "why do you need it" Its not that i dont trust him, i just would like to know where my info is going.
I think that the little things are normal, he even does it to me when he leaves the house "lock the top lock"- umm then how will the robber get in when i put the sign in the front lawn "20-SOMETHING YEAR OLD FEMALE ALONE, COME IN AND TAKE WHAT YOU WANT!" ---- its just one of those things that is second nature to him, so he does it. its YOUR job to break him of the habit, or brush it off as not a personal attack
question, was he the oldest in a single parent (mother) household? I know a friend of mine that grew up the oldest of 3 with a single mother and b/c she had him do most everything he is like that with his gf because its second nature!


as far as the things with identity, i have a little issue with that. Your dh needs to give this info to you for SOOO many reasons. I KNOW dh ss but not dl- however, i have it written down because honestly, there are so many situations where i have needed it. - Urge him to trust a little more. EXCHANGE info with each other, maybe he will feel more comfy about it.

[WBandMe]

^^ Haha, I love your robber comment.

Things are better with this... he'll still sometimes try to explain stuff to me and I have to tell him that I don't need a research paper, I need a two word answer. But he hasn't been questioning the things I do or the way I do them, and harmony is restored.

And to answer the question... He's the oldest, but his parents are still married. He's just always been the super responsible, skip playtime for homework, double check everything type person. But oh, I love him! :)

[amisteratwisterandme]

^^ Haha, I love your robber comment.

Things are better with this... he'll still sometimes try to explain stuff to me and I have to tell him that I don't need a research paper, I need a two word answer. But he hasn't been questioning the things I do or the way I do them, and harmony is restored.

And to answer the question... He's the oldest, but his parents are still married. He's just always been the super responsible, skip playtime for homework, double check everything type person. But oh, I love him! :)
Ha-Ha. My fh is the youngest of 4 children, and his parents were married until they passed away.