Host & Hostess Drama

[kbear]

First, I apologize with this being my first post. I have lurked for a few months though, as creepy as that is, haha. OW has been a great source for me in the last few months of planning! I'm glad to be here and out of the woodwork!

My wedding is coming up quickly, September 19th, but I'm anticipating a little dispute with my controlling mother about who should be my host & hostess for the wedding. I say I'm anticipating because I haven't brought my feelings up yet. She has basically left me no other options, however, it is my job to call and ask these people to be in the wedding and I haven't yet. Hehe.

What is everyone else doing for host/hostess? My mom seems to think that we need one family member or a couple at both the church and the reception and someone from each side of our family needs to be represented. So this means, I have a couple, he has a couple at the church and I have another couple, he has another couple at the reception?! Isn't that overkill? I don't want that many people!

Without going into too much detail, I have a small family, while my fiance has a very large one. I have two aunts and uncles who each have two children. I'm expected to include everyone although one of the families has been nothing but drama for as long as I can remember. They are mean to my grandparents, mean to my family, and just uppity in general. I do NOT want them involved with my wedding.

However, since I don't have a big family, am I making a huge statement by not having them involved? Other than the fact that this uncle was a sponsor of my baptism (which is why my mom wants them involved), they have NEVER been supportive of me in my entire life. In fact, they're just kind of rude people to begin with and that's NOT the type of people I want to be greeting our friends and family on our wedding day.

Thoughts? Sorry I'm rambling. Just needed an outside opinion to justify my thoughts!

[amisteratwisterandme]

First, I apologize with this being my first post. I have lurked for a few months though, as creepy as that is, haha. OW has been a great source for me in the last few months of planning! I'm glad to be here and out of the woodwork!

My wedding is coming up quickly, September 19th, but I'm anticipating a little dispute with my controlling mother about who should be my host & hostess for the wedding. I say I'm anticipating because I haven't brought my feelings up yet. She has basically left me no other options, however, it is my job to call and ask these people to be in the wedding and I haven't yet. Hehe.

What is everyone else doing for host/hostess? My mom seems to think that we need one family member or a couple at both the church and the reception and someone from each side of our family needs to be represented. So this means, I have a couple, he has a couple at the church and I have another couple, he has another couple at the reception?! Isn't that overkill? I don't want that many people!

Without going into too much detail, I have a small family, while my fiance has a very large one. I have two aunts and uncles who each have two children. I'm expected to include everyone although one of the families has been nothing but drama for as long as I can remember. They are mean to my grandparents, mean to my family, and just uppity in general. I do NOT want them involved with my wedding.

However, since I don't have a big family, am I making a huge statement by not having them involved? Other than the fact that this uncle was a sponsor of my baptism (which is why my mom wants them involved), they have NEVER been supportive of me in my entire life. In fact, they're just kind of rude people to begin with and that's NOT the type of people I want to be greeting our friends and family on our wedding day.

Thoughts? Sorry I'm rambling. Just needed an outside opinion to justify my thoughts!

Every wedding I have been to the parents of the bride and groom acted as the hosts, with the few exceptions of the bride and groom, if they paid for the wedding.

It sounds trite, but really think about who you would like to greet everyone, who would feel comfortable in that role, and that is your answer.

Because the parents of the bride have a slightly bigger role at the church, I would ask fh's parents to greet folks at the church, and your parents at the reception.

Good luck with whatever you choose! Best advice I can give you is to make the decision, and just tell your mom it is taken care of. Don't get angry or upset if she doesn't like your answers. Just tell her you love her and appreciate her advice but this is how you decided to do it.

[WBandMe]

I think it's kind of odd that this is under debate. Typically, the official "host" is whoever is paying for the wedding. Why can't you and your FH be the host and hostess, and call it a day? I feel like I'm just missing part of the story.. your mom thinks each family should have representatives... but aren't you and FH representatives of your own family? And then maybe your parents? I'm not even understanding how aunts and uncles would be involved.

[Brian's Bride]

I don't really understand the whole host/hostess thing either. I would say it depends on whose paying for it. We paid for our own and didn't have designated hosts/hostesses. We just made sure to greet everyone after the ceremony (in our receiving line) and then mingled at our reception.

[kbear]

I should have made things more clear, I apologize.

Every wedding I have been to (I am from small town Nebraska and things are probably quite different here than other places around the country) has these couples who are called "host/hostess". They aren't the parents, but other family members who not only greet people but do the behind the scenes work (similar to a day of coordinator), they clean up the church and reception afterward, they help out at the reception with serving, they make sure things run smoothly, etc.

I grew up in a very small town, but am having the wedding in Omaha. So there is a bit of a disconnect between my family's expectations and what is the norm in the city. For example, the host/hostess always cuts and serves the cake. It actually was a big issue when I told my mom that our catering service does this for us. *gasp* I went to another wedding recently where the mother of the bride was out greeting people as they came in and said "Is this what I'm supposed to be doing?", my mom told me she'd be in the bridal suite with us. See...things are just different here. Although I DO want my parents out greeting guests, BOTH of my parents, regardless of how things are typically done in small towns here.

The intent with this thread was to get some opinions from others, so thanks for weighing in. I appreciate the honesty in how trivial this seems, I do tend to agree (although my family seems to think otherwise). Thanks!

[Kfancii]

When I got married the first time we didn't have Hosts/Hostesses, but we had a House Party that did the behind the scene things and cut the cake. I included all 3 of my Aunts in the House Party and it worked out great. As far as greeting the guests, we did a receiving line that included the bride and groom, and both sets of our parents. The House Party took care of everything else.

The second time around we didn't have any of this because we eloped! :) Easiest wedding I have ever been a part of!

[amisteratwisterandme]

The intent with this thread was to get some opinions from others, so thanks for weighing in. I appreciate the honesty in how trivial this seems, I do tend to agree (although my family seems to think otherwise). Thanks!

First off, I hope I didn't offend you! I don't think it's trivial at all! Any time you have a situation that could become a problem while planning your wedding, regardless if anyone else understands it or not, it is important to YOU, and that is what matters.

My opinion still stands though. Figure out what YOU want to do, let your mom know you have it taken care of, and stick to it. If you show anger or are upset when you talk to your mom it will just make the situation worse.

If this is something you usually do, I would choose someone who knows the majority of the guests, regardless of whether it is from the bride's or groom's side, or a mutual friend of yours and your fiancees.

Good luck!

[fireprincess2009]

think about who you would like to greet everyone, who would feel comfortable in that role, and that is your answer.

Because the parents of the bride have a slightly bigger role at the church, I would ask fh's parents to greet folks at the church, and your parents at the reception.

This sounds like a good plan to me!

[lilmsjess]

ok i *think* i'm recognizing the issue?

mom wants an aunt and uncle who are mean as hell to everybody, and never involved to begin with, to be the greeters for your side of the family?
is that right?

you understand that these are obviously NOT the right people for the job? and you feel that it should just be skipped all the way around, or that your parents should be doing this, not other family members?(if so, i agree.....)

as for making a statement about them not being involved, look at it this way...they are supposed to be there to celebrate and not to work unless they volunteer! you don't just go through your family list and say "you do this, you do that, and that's it!".....

as for the cake cutting thing, explain to her(or deceive her, your choice ;)), that your caterer does this, and it is part of their liability contracts. the way you describe your fh's family, i don't think someone from YOUR family should be "serving" anybody, because there appears to be such a large number of them. that leaves someone guarding a cake, missing other events, just to ensure someone gets a piece of cake. if this is included in your catering contract, let it be as should your mom...this is YOUR day, and if you want to skip what your family thinks is tradition, well that's your perogative...it is now time for you and your fh to make your own traditions, which may not include other peoples "requirements"...as for you getting dressed, i'm sure your mom will want to see how beautiful you look, but as a maid of honor and a bride, i can tell you that is actually alot of what your bridal party is responsible for:dressing you! along with your hair stylist, make up artist, manicurist, etc.....the way you talk, it seems like your mom is only going to make your tension on that day, even higher...

i'm not trying to offend, but i'm about to encounter a similar situation, which includes not even considering inviting half of fh's family, because HE doesn't want them there...and it'll create a big deal, but this is his day as much as mine, and we don't want people there who do not care about us.....

[kbear]

Thanks everyone. No offense taken at all, I posted to get others opinions and to realize I should be trusting my gut here. And that's exactly what I plan on doing.

Jannalynn - No offense taken! Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it!
Jess - You recognized everything, perfectly. Thanks for filling in the holes! :)

It's about time we did what we wanted to do...

[WBandMe]

I wasn't trying to be a butt or call it trivial either--just unfamiliar to me and I was trying to figure it out!

I think you've got it nailed though, to go with your gut and do what makes you happy.

[lilmsjess]

Thanks everyone. No offense taken at all, I posted to get others opinions and to realize I should be trusting my gut here. And that's exactly what I plan on doing.

Jannalynn - No offense taken! Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it!
Jess - You recognized everything, perfectly. Thanks for filling in the holes! :)

It's about time we did what we wanted to do...


i got it like that :rofl:

actually, our lives are SO full of drama daily, that it's easy as **** to see through other things lol...and when you've been lied to so much, or given the run around, it's even easier to read between the lines, cos sometimes, it's the only way to the truth:winktongue: