Evil Bridesmaid

[LaceyinPgh]

:evil:

Help! I recently asked 4 people to be in my wedding party. Ever since I asked my friend from high school to take part in this amazing day I have had nothing but grief.

First, she doesn't like what I wrote about her on my webpage. She thinks it is demeaning. Under the wedding party section I put her name abd that she was a dear friend and my band camp roommate. We were in marching band in high school togehter and for four years we looked forward to the two weeks in summer when we would be roomies during band camp. (No American Pie jokes please.) She brings up how demeaning it is at least once a day. I have offered to change it. But then she goes into this woe is me thing and I shouldn't change it but she will never forget how it hurt her. I have put little quirkly things like that down about all of my bridesmaids. All the others laughed and thought it was funny.

She is a rather large girl so I found a dress that will be flattering to her. Now it is sleevless but she can wear a wrap and she does have until May 2006 to tone up her arms. Since then all she talks about is the burdens of having to get rid of weight. She calls several times a day to tell me that she is hungry and wants to eat something. At which point she asks me to talk her out of going ot the vending machine for sodas and candy. I don't have the time to be her personal warden. I work and have a life too. Then she goes into the list of what she had to eat today and how much excercising she has done. I am happy she is trying to be healthy. Her weight was a real health concern for her. But, I am trying to educate the youth of America I don't have the time to return phone calls and emails analyzing every carrot stick and pilates work out she has done today.

Then she is always making snide comments about marriage. She is divorced and has recently ended a very bad long term relationship. I'm sorry that she has had to go through it. It was rough on her. I was there for her every step of the way. But I don't feel that gives her the right to crticize my wedding. I'm sorry that she had a rushed a wedding and had a very strict budget so she couldn't have the things she always wanted. I'm sorry she didn't get a bridal shower. However, that doesn't mean she has to say things like "I got through without a bridal shower, what makes you think you need one? It is just begging for gifts." However, I refuse to apologize because my fiance and I are having a wonderful wedding that we have always wanted. Am I wrong for this?

The final straw was this evening when she called to talk about food. She said, "Maybe I'll just forget to show up at your wedding. That would really be funny." Umm no it wouldn't. I am an insane bride as it is. I'm incredibly organized. I go over everything in perfect detail. I don't need her saying things like this to upset me. I have enough to do without worrying about if she is going to skip out at the last minute.

My other 3 maids are amazing. They are there when I want to talk. They calm me down when I'm upset. And they all agree tht I am not driving them crazy with wedding details. So after all of that...it is the abridged Reader's Digest Version too...what do I do? I don't want to ruin our friendship but can I fire her?

[totalia]

Wow. Really wow.

In light of what you've said about her divorce and her newest relationship, I think its safe to say that she has some issues she needs to work through. She can't and won't be happy for you until she actually does. She's very bitter and angry and it has nothing at all to do with your wedding or you relationship. It has to do with her own feelings of loss and inadequacy.

The only thing I can think of is that you actually sit down and talk to her about this. If she persists or turns this into you being "evil" then you need to let her go. Tell her she isn't welcome in your wedding.

[WhiskeyGirl]

I have to agree. The only thing that I wonder about is, has she always had such a negative attitude? Do you really, after all that the things she has said or says and all the things she accuses you of, want to after all remain friends with this woman? I find that I really need to surround myself with positive people who are there to help me though it all, to help keep me calm and reassure me much the same as what your other three bride's maids do for you. If it were me I would have cut her loose a long time ago, but thats just me. Sit down and talk with her, tell her you are stressed enough and don't need extra things to deal with from her. Ask her what her real deal is...is she happy for you or not? Does she really want to be there for you or does she just want to give you more trouble then you need. If you do cut her loose just be gentle about it.

~CanadianBride~

[As You Wish]

If this is not typical behavior for your bridesmaid, than I would think that she is so caught up in her own troubles that she just doesn't have anything left. Divorce is hell, and it can take everything out of you, changing your lifestyle, even for the better, is very demanding as well. She may just have nothing left to give at the end of the day. She is obviously leaning on you for help and support in HER time of need and you don't have what she needs either.

Unless this is a pattern that you didn't notice until now, give her what you can and find others to help support you.

[LaceyinPgh]

Well the evil bridesmaid has calmed down a bit. Of course while I was on vacation I didn't have to talk to her.

But she is back talking to her insane, alcoholic, chronic lying, can't keep a job boyfriend. He doesn't like my finace and I since according to him we are bad influence in the way that we live, think, and act. This is because we actually own our home and car, have equal partners in life, and I call him (her boyfriend) on his lies and bullying. Usually when she is in a relationship she acts a bit better.

And for those of you who wonder why I have stayed friends for her, it is because she needs me. She doesn't have anyone else who can actually be there when she needs it. She isn't close to her sisters, one recently got out of jail and the other has drug and alcohol problems. In high school her mother packed up and moved out one day since the girls wouldn't accept her boyfriend, who by the way graduated with the older sister. So the bridesmaid actually had to get a job in high school to pay the bills and get food on the table for her and her sister. My parents took them in when they found out. It was really a mess. I just can't let her go with all of that baggage. I just don't know what to do with her. I'm terrified to leave her on her own. God only knows what will happen to her with the pshychos in her life. But, I don't need this stress on MY day.

[LaceyinPgh]

I swear I don't know what I am going to do. I feel bad for my friend. I want to be there for her. But, I cannot take the negativity and problems she causes me either.

First, we went to look at bridesmaid dresses. Well my friend is VERY large. I don't care about that. But, the dresses that we all really liked do not come in a size to fit her. And, the size difference isn't by just a couple of inches. Thankfully this bridesmaid was the only one there so it at least saved the embarassment of the group being around. The lady at the bridal store said that we have 3 options depending on the company. 1. The company can take her measurements and make a dress to fit her. 2 The company can sell use just the plain material and the seamstress at the store can put panels in the dress. 3 In rare cases the comapny just forces you to buy two dresses and the seamstress has to piece them together. Either way, it is not a cheap option. We are looking at almost doubling the price of the dress. My friend informed me that she couldn't afford one dress and alterations how was she going to afford more than that? What was I going to do about it? Well I'm not going to do anything about it. None of it is my fault and she accepted to be in the wedding. The $300 it is costing me isn't going to make or break my wedding budget but it is not my job to pay for her wedding dress(es). I was a starving college student when I was in her wedding. I had to save up to afford the $300 dress, alterations, accesories, hair appointment, nail polish, shower, gifts, and other stuff for her wedding.

My bridesmaid has also decided that grooming is no longer important. Her house is always a cluttered wreck. And she is always a mess. I met her for coffee and dessert late on Saturday night. She was so down right dirty I was embarassed to be sitting with her. She had on the clothes that she had worn the night before to bed with a jacket thrown on over them. Her new makeup had been applied over her old. It was also very evident that she had not showered or bathed. It was nasty. She was never like this. I know it is because she is so depressed over the failed relationships, go no where job, and the fact that myself and the rest of our friends are happy with what we are doing. But, there is no way I can have her walking up the aisle like that or even greeting guests at the church.

She also is still complaining daily about the website. She changes the subject every time I bring up anything abuot the wedding. She chronically forgets to show up at appointments to do wedding related things or she cancels when I am in the car driving there.

She begged me to be in the wedding. I happily asked her thinking it would give her something happy and fun to do to keep her mind off of the misery in her life. I was wrong she keeps trying to bring that misery into my wedding. I cannot put up with this for another year until I get married. We have nothing in common in our lives anymore. We don't have the same interests. We don't have careers in common. We don't have anything alike anymore. The worst part of it all is that I know asking her to step down will make her depression much worse. I still care about her and I do not want to hurt her. She has had enough hurt in her life. How do I tactfully tell her I don't want her to have anything to do with my wedding without hurting her?

[WhiskeyGirl]

The first question that comes to my mind is, Has she seen a doctor about her depression? Thats the first place to start. (I know I've been where she is, not with the weight, but with the depression and all.) From their her doctor should be able to prescribe some antidepressants and perhaps refer her to a therapist. It sounds very frustrating, and I don't envy the position you are in. But I think the best step to take at this point is to help her! Ask her, tell her, drag her kicking and screaming to the doctors office. Help her! It almost sounds like in a way, she is crying out for someone to take her by the hand and tell her its going to be all ok.

My last resort would be, after trying all the above mentioned, to then ask her to step down. I know its hard, but if she really is that miserable about being in the wedding in the first place, then it shouldn't really matter to her one way or another. All I can say, is sit down and have a heart to heart with her! You need to lay it all down on the table so she knows what you're facing and what it is that she's dealing with too.

~CanadianBride~

[usahgrad]

Ok, I'm not saying any of this to be the anti-bride, but I think you need to take a step back for a second. Your wedding is over a year away, you have time to sit down with her and talk to her as a friend, not as a bride to a bridesmaid. It's obvious that she's very upset. I think you need to have a time when nothing about the wedding is said and you just talk about her and what's going on in her life. Maybe take her out for a facial or a manicure or pedicure; something that would boost her feelings about herself physically (this is coming from a previously fat woman---trust me, anything that made me feel better physically helped in those days).

Secondly, I can understand not footing the bill for the first dress, but the dress issue is partially your problem. As a bride, you are responsible for picking out a bridesmaid dress that will fit all of your bridesmaids. If she has to buy a second dress, if I were in your spot, I'd help her out. Think about it, let's say the dresses you picked are $200. If she has to pay for two that's $400 she's shelling out for JUST the dress. That's not including accessories, hair, makeup, shoes and everything else.

I was a bridesmaid in my sister-in-law's wedding and when we went to get measured for the dresses, the lady at the bridal shop was so kind to point out to me how fat I was. Trust me...large people don't like being large. The last thing they need is problems from their friends ontop of everything else. Being in a wedding is supposed to be fun and I think you may have compromised some of the fun for her. However, I'm not entirely blaming you. It's obvious that she's depressed and there are other issues. I hope everything works out for you. Just remember, and I feel like this is against everything in me...your wedding is just one day; how long have you been friends?

Good luck!

[neeni13]

I agree. the wedding is a ways away. You have time to get her straight. Not just for the wedding but her life. In the mean time, when it comes to appointments have another BM go along with you if fiance can't go, so if it is a bad day for her you wont be mad about missing appointments and still can talk out your ideas for the wedding to one who will listen. Bu the sooner you and other people in her life rally and help her see she is on a road to distruction. You're wanting to celebrate. Help her celebrate her life, then she can celebrate your new one.

[LaceyinPgh]

I know it sounds cruel and horrible but I am tired of helping this bridesmaid. I have been picking up her pieces since the 9th grade. That was a very long time ago (although it doesn't seem like it) She has a major crisis or meltdown at least once a week. Sometimes it actually is something important that I don't mind being there for her like her divorce or miscarriage but the majority of the time it is the hairdresser cut off too much hair or my boss and my coworker went to lunch together and didn't invite me.

I did finally go with a dress that they just needed to order material for so the cost won't be that big for her. But several mentioned I should help her pay for the dress. Well, I won't. If she had a valid rason to be chronically broke it would be a different story. I would understand if she were just starting out in the job world, or had a family to support, or osmething like that. This woman's situation is that she cannot manage her money. I have literally seen her take her rent check and spend it on cigarettes and gifts for her boyfriend then have to call her mother crying because they are threatening to evict her.

I have also offered to help her with her weight. I have offered to go to the gym with her (an hour's drive each way after work for me). I have offered to be her diet buddy. I have even offered up the money for something like Weight Watchers. She won't do it. She can handle it herself. Then when something comes up with any of our friends like a wedding or baby shower or just a party, she pulls the "I'm too overweight to go" card. We are all tired of it.

No matter how gently I try to talk to her about things she throws it back at me (or anyone else). According to her I can't understand because I am: thinner, from a "normal" (although I would debate it) family, have a solid relationship, a good job, don't have to worry about money, ect. Well those are the choices I made in life and I won't apologize for them.

I finally took Candianbride's advice. I talked to her about seeing a doctor for her depression and other issues that she needs help with. She is seeing a doctor about her weight loss. She is on a plan that she claims to be sticking to.Her appointment is this Friday so I'll keep it posted. I told her that maybe she should talk to the doctor about her feelings and that maybe they could help her with that too. At least, they could help her find someone to help her with it. I truly believe that she needs more than a pill to make the hurting stop. She has realy problems that she needs to work through with a professional. She informed me that she has NO idea what I am talking about. She is not depressed and there is not a thing wrong in the ways that she is acting. She is perfectly happy and I am the crazy one. I took it upon my self to call her twin sister. Apparently she told her sister the same thing. There is not a thing wrong with her, she is not depressed, and she does not need help - that she (the twin sister) was the crazy one. And, it is also the twin sister's fault because their mom likes her more.

Accoridng to my friend she is happy to be in the wedding. She wants to be there to spend this special day with me. She is sorry if she upset me in anyway. And, her elderly grandmother is paying for her dress so she has no idea what the issue is about.

So, I'm crazy and its all my fault. It is perfectly acceptable to be 26 years old and capable of supporting yourself but still borrowing (taking) money off of grandma. And in her universe all things are perfect. My mother. other bridesmaids, and finace are rebelling against me if I don't get her under control and I am out of options. I now know who the smart sane people are on this board are...the ones who are eloping to avoid this mess.

[usahgrad]

I have to agree with you...the smart sane people are the people who elope. I hope you don't think I meant anything against you with my post. I just wanted to give you a different angle to look at it in. Really, good luck with this.

[WhiskeyGirl]

Just keep hanging in there Girl! I know its hard, but try and keep offering her your support. If she sees that you are supporting and sticking with her through it all, you will be one of the people that is monumental in her "healing".

But remember that you are not crazy and neither is she. She just needs to get some help, don't allow her to try and pin this on you and don't accept her calling you crazy or her trying to make you feel like she is crazy. I know from experience that is easier to tell people that they are the ones who are wrong then to admit that I am wrong and admit that I am the one who needs help! I know where you are coming from when the others around you are rebeling against you for trying to stick it through with her, but eventually she and the others will come around. (Or in a perfect world thats what they do.) I hope it all works out for the best for you!

I agree that eloping sounds like a wonderful idea and often wonder why I didn't think of that earlier!

~CanadianBride~

[Wildfire97504]

I'm new to this site, but from reading through your messages, it really does sound like maybe you feel like you are already through with this friend being your bridesmaid, but don't know how to broach the subject to her. Am I wrong? sorry if I am. Just some food for thought. I really can sympathize with you about the dress issue. My best friend can't afford to buy her dress, so we are paying for it. One dress won't break the budget, but 6 is stretching it quite a bit.

[wolf4091]

i hate to tell you this but there is no easy or nonhurtful way to go about it. if you allow her to come to the wedding who knows it may be a good boost for her. simply suggest that you both go to a hair salon and ensure that she is presentable if you truly want to still be her friend. if not then simply say it. dont beat around the bush because either she or you will be the one to suffer. and if she has alot of drama in her life she clearly has made those bad choices which isnt your fault. and as a brand new bride forming your own life you dont want your new found happiness to be sucked right out of you by a friend like that. and yes this comes from experience.