What Should I Do?

[LizabethDavis]

Here is the shocking, disappointing news I was speaking of in my journal last night:

I got home from having my hair trial and Pat kind of pulled me into the kitchen and here is basically how the conversation went:

Pat: "My dad is forcing me to make you mad at me"

Me: "What are you talking about?"

Pat: "My mother got ahold of him..."

Me: "Yeah I already know. Carla told me that she now knows about the wedding and where it is...Let's just hope she doesn't show up."

Pat: "No, it's not about that. Back when I was in the Army, right around the time 9/11 happened, my then girlfriend and I, who was in the Army as well, knew that I was going to be getting shipped off to Afghanistan. I had about $7000.00 saved at the time that we put into an account with both of our names on it. We figured that if we got married, I would get more money then I would if I was single. So, we had a JP ceremony and were together for four days before I was shipped off. After I left, she went and had the marriage annuled and took half the money. We were married for 13 days before she annuled it. The State of Tennessee doesn't recognize that marriage, but my mother is going to try to tell you that I am still married."

At this point, I am like, WTF????????????? You wait until two weeks before you tell me that you have been married before??????? He didn't want to tell anyone except his father because it was a mistake and will never be recognized, but I really feel he should have told me long before this.

Any words of advice ladies?

[AngelinLove]

WOW!!! Yeah. I guess that could be considered shocking and disappointing, but what does it really change for you. I mean you love him and are going to marry him anyways right? Are you worried that he may be hiding something else? If so, talk to him about it. Explain your concerns and let him know that now is teh time to share anything he has not already. If not, then I would have to let it go. I would get whatever details about it that I felt that I needed to know. I would ask him when if ever he was planning on sharing that with me...and ask him how he would feel if the situation were reversed. Then I would let it go...and when you FMIL tracks you down to tell you...you willa tleast have the upper hand and can say..."I already know, Pat and I discuss everything, but thanks for being so concerned". JMO

[LizabethDavis]

Thanks Angel. He was never going to tell me as he wanted to forget about it and thought that it would never be brought up again. I told him that if people know, it is bound to be brought up again. He only told me because he was told by his dad that if Pat didn't, he was going to. Or his mother would. Whoever got to me first.

It doesn't change much I suppose, except for the fact that I thought I was his first marriage and would be his only marriage. Now though, I obviously am not and it just takes away from it for me I guess.

[mj512]

wow... what a big secret to be kept from you! I do not know how I would feel. But he is still the same guy that you have grown to love, so unless it is going to cause problems later on, I would say make sure he doesn't have any other secrets that could hurt you, then forgive him if you can and continue with your relationship. It is a weird situation though

[MOB Karen]

Ok, first let me say, how sorry I am that you are having to deal with this **** 13 days before your wedding. As for being the second wife, I wouldn't worry about that at all. People make mistakes and marry the wrong person, but you guys have found each other now, and that's all that matters. Amber went out and bought t-shirts that say she is the second wife. She asked me my opinion about them, and I told her I wouldn't have bought them, but she loves them, and that's all that matters. Now I look at it as Amber having a really great attitude about being the second wife. The shirts are cute, she will have to tell you exactly what they say, because I don't remember.

What bothers me the most about Pat telling you this now is, "what else is he hiding?" Is the marriage annulled? I would sit down with him and get all of this out in the open once and for all. No more covering up, no more hiding, and no more trying to spare you.

I wish you only the best, Lizabeth. Good luck and let us know how everything goes.:)

[WhiskeyGirl]

Ok let's try this again. I typed out another reply just a minute ago hit the submit button and it was gone!:bbeek: Momma no!!! lol Ok!

I'm so sorry Lizabeth! What a secret to have been kept from you. But in my opinion, you ARE HIS FIRST WIFE! The two of you share somethign that clearly him and the other bag (I cannot refer to her as a woman! You just don't do that to a person!!) don't! Pat is the one for you. Now I don't know the reasoning behind him keeping it from you and I hope that the two of you can work things out! However, if you the two of you need to post pone the wedding, don't hesitate. If you suppress what you are feeling and marry him, these things can and probably will boil up and boil over and you've got a terriable situation on your hands. Is there anyone who can take the kids so that the two of you can have it out? And not worry about the kids hearing the two of you? At this point, the two of you need to seriously talk and put your feelings out on the table. I can understand how upset you would be, and I think it's important that he does too! But just remember that he was going off to Afghanistan and probably scared...when we're scared we make stupid decisions that others don't totally understand. (going through that with my FIL right now over Matt taking a break from his training after three choppers crashed in 24 hours!) I wish you the best and hope for the best for you and your children!! We love you Lizabeth!! Take care and good luck!! ;)

[LizabethDavis]

Thanks girls. I feel much better now. I am going to forget about the other wife because really, she didn't count. He married her simply to get more money from the Government. There is no way he is going to get more money for marrying me, so obviously, this is real. I just really wished he had told me way beforehand. However, he probably knew how I would react and just didn't want to put that on me. Thanks again girls.

[WhiskeyGirl]

Thanks girls. I feel much better now. I am going to forget about the other wife because really, she didn't count. He married her simply to get more money from the Government. There is no way he is going to get more money for marrying me, so obviously, this is real. I just really wished he had told me way beforehand. However, he probably knew how I would react and just didn't want to put that on me. Thanks again girls.

But please, don't forget to talk to him! Even though he didn't want to put that on you, he has now and you should talk about it!! :)

[LizabethDavis]

Oh we will be talking about it! Don't worry about that!

[WhiskeyGirl]

Oh we will be talking about it! Don't worry about that!

Good luck Hun!! Take care!! :)

[Jenn060306]

What a bizzar turn of events.I'm so sorry that you found that out so close to the wedding. I have agree with the other girls that you shouldn't worry about the prior marriage. Definatly it was a mistake that both parts realized right away. However you definatly need to have a talk with Pat and make sure everything is out in the open before you marry.
Take care! Keep us updated.

[rainbowtreat]

Lizabeth I hope all is good with you and Pat now. I had been through ( nothing as extreme ) but along the same lines with Nicholas. I got it out of him when we were not together and we got thigns worked out and we are now married with no worries. No on knows Pat like you do. Only you will be able to understand everything and if you do and all is good then great. Only you know how to talk to him and make things right for both of you.

Good luck. And cant wait to see you again.

[SerendipityCrafts]

had the marriage annuled ....

The State of Tennessee doesn't recognize that marriage.... Not trying to stir the pot but personally I would want to see something in writing saying that 1. It is annuled or 2. It wasn't recognized. For no other reason than to make sure my plans could go ahead without any road blocks.

[WebLady]

Not trying to stir the pot but personally I would want to see something in writing saying that 1. It is annuled or 2. It wasn't recognized. For no other reason than to make sure my plans could go ahead without any road blocks.
I think I might have to agree here. I would be quite P'O'd if DH was to tell me something like this!

While I wouldn't really be so upset by the fact that he got married for the money or whatever, but I would be upset that he kept this from me for so long. I am a BIG fan of open communication ... DH and I have talked about the good, the bad and the ugly of both our pasts, no matter how incriminating.

No, I don't think it would change the fact that I love him, but it would have to wonder about what else he is keeping (or will keep) from me.

So as the other girls said, definitely have a long talk with him and tell him that this is a big thing ... if it is as he says it is, he should have told you about this a long time ago. Especially if his family knows ... secrets often hurts people, I don't see any place for them in a committed relationship, let alone a marriage. JMO ... Best wishes to you!!

[LaceyinPgh]

I tried holding off on this to see what other people said. I thought my answer would be different and I didn't want attacked for it but here it goes anyway.

There is no way if Sean told me two weeks before our wedding that he had been married before that I would be all right with it and able to go on before the wedding. It would only be made worse by the fact that his parents were forcing him to tell me because he had no intentions of letting me in on the little secret. I would spend the rest of my life thinking about what else he "neglected" to tell me. Frankly, I don't have time for that. It wouldn't be like we were causually dating and her forgot to mention it or didn't think it was any of my business. If I am good enough to spend the rest of his life with, than I am good enough to everything about his life. He would come home and find out that he now loved alone. My mother does stuff like this. Her ex husbands have no idea how many times she was married, she lies about it all the time. There is also no trust or happiness in any of her relationships.

I wouldn't care the reason for the marriage or the anullment/divorce. Hell, people marry and seperate all the time for bad reasons. I would care about the part that I wasn't allowed to know until someone pushed him into the corner with it. That to me is a lack of respect and trust.

But, I can't tell you what to do in the situation. You and I aren't the same people. However, you HAVE to HAVE documentation fro the state of Tennessee stating that the union was annulled. You will have to present that when you go to get your marriage certificate. Depending on the state, lying about previous marriages, will make you rmarriage license null and void. Also, if he doesn't have this doucmentation, you have no proof the marriage was dissolved. He NEEDS that paper or else without knowing it he could become a polygamist.

[LizabethDavis]

Lacey, I would never dream of attacking you for your opinion, advice or support. Everybody is different and I appreciate the different points of view.

I have done some research today and as far as I can tell, our marriage will not be void simply because he didn't tell the clerk that he lied about the annulment, however, I will be calling the clerk tommorrow and getting an definite answer.

As far as my feelings about all of this, I don't really know to be honest with you. I probably wouldn't have cared if he had told me forever ago, but to tell me two weeks beforehand like it was no big deal and only tell me because he HAD to or else someone else would, really bothers me. This is another one of those things though that I have to decide for myself if it is worth the time and effort. I will keep you updated. After he gets home, I am going to attempt to talk to him about all of this.

[WebLady]

Good luck Lizabeth! I know if I was in this situation, this would be weighing very heavily on my mind.

None of us can tell you what to do here, but I wish you the best.

[MOB Karen]

Good luck Lizabeth! I know if I was in this situation, this would be weighing very heavily on my mind.

None of us can tell you what to do here, but I wish you the best.

Ditto!!!!!

[LizabethDavis]

Well, we had it out and honestly, I don't know where we stand. I wish I could give you more definite news, but I just don't know. We will have to wait and see when or if he comes back from his bike ride. This really sucks.

[WebLady]

Well, we had it out and honestly, I don't know where we stand. I wish I could give you more definite news, but I just don't know. We will have to wait and see when or if he comes back from his bike ride. This really sucks.
So did he go on this bike ride after your discussion? Was he mad, did he not see your point? Just curious, if you don't want to elaborate, I'll understand.

I am sorry you are going through this ... I know how it must feel. But whatever happens, I truly believe it will be for the best. We are here for you either way.

[Kacie_bride]

Well, we had it out and honestly, I don't know where we stand. I wish I could give you more definite news, but I just don't know. We will have to wait and see when or if he comes back from his bike ride. This really sucks.

Oh my gosh Elizabeth I am so sorry you have to go through with all of this. I don't know what to say to make you feel any better. I know it would defiantely bother me if I found something like that out under your circumstances. But, as for being a 2nd wife, my mother is the 2nd wife of my father. My dad was married when we was very young to another woman. The relationship only lasted a few months, but they never got officially divorced until he met my mother a few years later. Now on the 16th of this month, my parents will be celebrating 29 years of marriage and it is just as special to my mother.

Whatever you decide to do just know that we are behind you and will support you. I wish you all the best. Good luck!

[LizabethDavis]

He came back. I am sure he was just mad because he doesn't understand what the big deal is. He says that he considers me the first wife and the only wife, but since he has come home he hasn't said much to me. Whatever is going to happen needs to happen though, so I will keep you guys updated.

[WebLady]

For me the whole first wife/second wife thing wouldn't be the issue ... it would be the fact that he kept something like this from me and didn't bother to tell me until he felt forced to. I think this would be something we could most likely get over but, not without talking openly about it and trying to understand each other.

Lots of ppl like to hide their past and hope no one finds out about it. (I still have things I don't want others to know about my past, but my DH knows) It is funny to me when you hear someone say "I didn't tell you because I knew you would react this way" :bbrolleyes: Well if you would have told be to begin with I might not have, or at the very least I would have had time to get over it by now.

But like I said before, secrets (big or small) can hurt people. I a firm believer in open, honest communication. To me the biggest things in a relationship are honesty, communication and trust, and they all go hand and hand. You have to be able to talk to each other ... your spouse should be your best friend. DH and I talk about everything, literally ... we have talked about things no one else knows about the other person, some things even our friends and families don't know. There are no skeletons in our closet ... if for some reason I was to find one, I would really have to take a long look at our relationship.

Besides, if you don't have anything to hide, no one will have anything they can use against you one day. No one can ever get between you by saying things about your past ... you will already now.

Well I don't want to keep saying the same thing over and over again. I am sorry you are having to go through this and I do wish you all the best and hope you guys can work this out.

ETA -- maybe write him a letter and get all your thoughts out, he can't walk out on a letter ;) Good luck!

[OneFishTwoFish]

WOW! What a thing to tell you so close to the wedding! Please don't carry it with you into your big day. Should he have told you earlier? Yes. But my guess is that he saw it as a mistake and something that wasn't at all like your marriage is going to be, so in a man's mind, why bother you with it? Ya know?

Good luck babe!

[HelenAngel]

This is a really horrible situation. I really do feel for you and I hate that you've had to go through this. :(

I don't know how to put this gently, but I'm from Tennessee and somewhat familiar with marriage and custody laws. It is VERY hard to get an annulment in Tennessee. Both parties have to be present at the annulment and they have to prove to the court one of the following: either party was legally insane, either party was coerced into marriage through falsehood or physical duress, either party was under the age of 16 if female or 17 if male, the parties are related closer than 1st cousins (i.e. brother & sister, father & child), one of the parties was already married, the man is impotent, or the woman is pregnant with another man's child. Attempting to fraud the Federal government would not only be not a reason for annulment but FH would have then had to deal with the military for fraud. (I'm not saying he was or anything, but giving possible reasons she may have given for trying to annul the marriage.)

All of this is contained in the Tennessee Code Annotated. I'm looking up the numbers for you on Lexus/Nexus.
It is possible she tried to get it annuled for fraud, but it's very hard to do this Tennessee. It's easy in California, but in Tennessee the divorce laws are MUCH more strict. My ex-husband and I had to get divorced in Mississippi, even though we were married in TN and had permanent residences there, because Tennessee law is very restrictive about who can get divorced there and how. We had to get divorced in Mississippi because that is where we were currently living. We did a lot of research into trying to get our marriage annuled as well, which is how I know this.

Either way, you will have to present a copy of the annulment to get your marriage license or your marriage will not be considered legal, at least in Maine (which is where you live, right?).

To get a copy of his annulment, all you need to do is contact the circuit court of the county where the annulment was made. It's not very expensive and it will save you heartache and expense in the long-run. :)

Once again, I absolutely hate that you're going through this. Hopefully this information can help you, even just a little bit. Also, feel free to pm me or anything if you want to discuss anything. (I was going to give you the URL of some sites that would help you with your research, but I can't because I'm new here.)

[LizabethDavis]

Thanks Helen. I have seen the annulment paperwork. They didn't claim they were trying to fraud the government. She claimed that she was under the influence of drugs and alcohol...As far as Pat being there, I can't explain how they got around that. I imagine it has something to do with him being in Afghanistan when she filed the paperwork. Nonetheless, the annulment is all legalized and he is free to marry me.

[Kacie_bride]

I'm glad you guys are getting this all worked out!

[HelenAngel]

She claimed that she was under the influence of drugs and alcohol

Ugh. She sounds like a piece of work. :bbconfused: It's good that it's all over and done- and better to know now than later! I'm so glad that everything is settled- as close as it is to your wedding day, you have enough stress as it is! :)

[AngelinLove]

I ma so glad that you have started to work through this Lizbeth...and I can;t believe that your wedding is soooooo close!!!

[Mrs. Pickering]

Just thought I'd give you a :hug: Elizabeth!! You've already got alot of wonderful advice.

[LaceyinPgh]

I'm glad that you and Pat were able to work things through, Lizabeth. Now, you just have to survive the next few days before the wedding!

[LizabethDavis]

Thanks girls! I really can't wait to become Mrs. Davis in 11 Days!!!

[SueMartin]

Glad to hear that you guys sorted it out.. no more secrets.. tell him the ladies said so!!!

[bnd94]

Thanks Helen. I have seen the annulment paperwork. They didn't claim they were trying to fraud the government. She claimed that she was under the influence of drugs and alcohol...As far as Pat being there, I can't explain how they got around that. I imagine it has something to do with him being in Afghanistan when she filed the paperwork. Nonetheless, the annulment is all legalized and he is free to marry me.

She is lucky she didn't get a dishonorable discharge for the drugs!! :o

[racecargirl]

Lizabeth, I've been there before. Only I found out a huge secret after we were married, and I'm not married to him anymore. Glad you worked things out.

[LizabethDavis]

She is lucky she didn't get a dishonorable discharge for the drugs!! :o

It wasn't necessarily drugs. They just sort of lump that together. She could have claimed to be drunk, which is somewhat legal and therefore, wouldn't be able to be dishonorably discharged.

Thanks for all the support girls! I'm glad this is finally over with and settled!

[asm198]

I'm glad everything worked out! Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

[Valmai]

Am so glad you managed to sort this all out - have a fantastic week and an even better wedding day - remember to enjoy to the extreme!! xxx