Im pregnant

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

now im going to go freak out :(

[gwenshack]

now im going to go freak out :(

Wow, Danielle! How are you feeling? Does Shane know? PM me if you need to talk...

[WebLady]

Wow ... have you been to the Dr yet?

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Shane doesn't know yet! :(
I went to the doctor- thats how I found outtt

[MrsDM]

Don't freak out, remember, everything happens for a reason! How have things been going with you guys?

[WebLady]

Shane doesn't know yet! :(
I went to the doctor- thats how I found outtt
Didn't you just have an ultrasound for cysts; is that how they found out you were pregnant? Just curious :)

Hope the best for you :flower:

[Mrs.Goff]

(((Hugs))) I wish you all the best.

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Thanks ladies.
No they didnt see anything in the ultrasound baby-wise, they think im too newly pregnant to see a baby yet...but the blood & urine test came positive

[gwenshack]

Thanks ladies.
No they didnt see anything in the ultrasound baby-wise, they think im too newly pregnant to see a baby yet...but the blood & urine test came positive

I'm certainly wishing you all the best! You should start a pregnancy journal on the baby part of the forum so we can keep up with your progress. :)

[Thalia_themuse]

Firstly :hug: Secondly, try not to freak out! I think you need to talk to Shane about this first, see how he feels about it.

How have things been between the two of you since we last heard from you? Any progress? Either way, a baby could be great motivation for you guys to work on your communication skills?

:hug: I wish you all the best m'dear, keep us updated and don't forget we're here when you need support :heart:

[Danielle9608]

Danielle I wish you the best with your pregnancy. :flower:

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Thank you so much ladies.
I talked to Shane. He first told me he thought he was going to be sick...then he looked shocked....then asked if he could play world or warcraft to clear his head.
After he played, we talked. He said he didnt want a baby right now, but since I am 100% agianst abortion, we will have the baby and deal with it. I know he is a little excited, and so am I.
And so is my mom. She has called like 83058 times. Haha.

Wow. it has been such a shock though.

yeah things havent been so good with us- but I think the baby coming might really really help things for us.

[Heywie]

WOW! First of all, congratulations! I know this feels like a really trying time for you to be pregnant, but a baby can be such a positive thing!

Secondly, and I don't mean to be a buzzkill here, don't expect a baby to change your relationship. I think now, more than ever, is the time to start working on your communication together and maybe even doing some counseling to see how you will proceed in your relationship.

My brother and his wife just went through this - they were having serious marital problems and thought having a baby would bring them closer together. Well of course things didn't really change once the baby came, and now his wife resents him for it.

I'm definitely not saying this will happen to you, I just want you to go into this with an open mind and know that your relationship can (and maybe should?) be repaired before the baby comes. I know you are putting all your efforts into it and it takes two to tango, but hopefully you and Shane can work this all out together and everything will be great. It's great to hear that your famliy is excited for you! They will be an excellent support system for all that is to come!

[Qtpie]

congratulations, i hope things work out for you and your hubby.

[Tadswife]

[quote=Heywie;413467]WOW! First of all, congratulations! I know this feels like a really trying time for you to be pregnant, but a baby can be such a positive thing!

Secondly, and I don't mean to be a buzzkill here, don't expect a baby to change your relationship. I think now, more than ever, is the time to start working on your communication together and maybe even doing some counseling to see how you will proceed in your relationship.

My brother and his wife just went through this - they were having serious marital problems and thought having a baby would bring them closer together. Well of course things didn't really change once the baby came, and now his wife resents him for it.

I'm definitely not saying this will happen to you, I just want you to go into this with an open mind and know that your relationship can (and maybe should?) be repaired before the baby comes. I know you are putting all your efforts into it and it takes two to tango, but hopefully you and Shane can work this all out together and everything will be great. It's great to hear that your famliy is excited for you! They will be an excellent support system for all that is to come![/quote

I have to agree, this was very will put!

[WebLady]

Secondly, and I don't mean to be a buzzkill here, don't expect a baby to change your relationship. I think now, more than ever, is the time to start working on your communication together and maybe even doing some counseling to see how you will proceed in your relationship. I was thinking the same thing!

I have known personally and known of many couples with problems that try to stay together "for the baby" and it never ends well; for them or for the baby.

:goodluck:

[ikkin510]

Wow, i really do hope things work out for the best. When are you due?

[FFC]

I was thinking the same thing!

I have known personally and known of many couples with problems that try to stay together "for the baby" and it never ends well; for them or for the baby.

:goodluck:

First: Congrats Danielle.

Second: I'm with Haley, Brandi and Tadswife on this. My hubby's previous marriage didn't work and they decided to have a child to help 'improve' their marriage. Well, it's obvious how that worked out for them :snide:

Good luck!

[SkippyNXC]

I was thinking the same thing!

I have known personally and known of many couples with problems that try to stay together "for the baby" and it never ends well; for them or for the baby.

:goodluck:

glad i'm not alone... i was just waiting for someone else to say it for fear of coming across too harsh...

if you are having problems NOW is the time to work on them... sleep deprivation, poopy diapers, and stress only do not make it any easier to get over problems...

i would seriously recommend couples counseling even if ur not the "counseling" type. If you are open and have a good counselor u will learn so much about yourself and your partner. If he's not interested, i would say go for yourself... the better you are mentally, the better you'll be able to care for another human being...

not sure where ur located but if $ is a concern preventing counseling look to see if there are any doctoral training programs in your area, they usually offer low to no cost counseling in their training clinics to give their students experience... if interested, let me know where u are and i may be able to find one for you...

sorry for the long post if ur not interested, i'm a doctoral student in psychology so naturally i tend to be a big advocate for counseling (not just b/c i'm in a program but b/c of all i've learned about myself thru counseling)

[SkippyNXC]

and congrats by the way, i meant to include that but hit reply by accident LOL

that's amazing that the timing of ur ultrasound was so early in ur pregnancy that u couldn't see it yet!

what's the deal w/the cysts n pregnancy? do they resolve themselves? are they gonna treat them or just play it by ear? i remember u've had this problem for a few months n u couldn't be more than what 4-6 weeks? i know it's a smidge over 4 weeks when u can see the embryonic sac in an ultrasound...

hope all is well n wish you a healthy pregnancy

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Thanks ladies.

You're right. i want to work on things now with Shane. I am really interested in counseling, but money now, with the baby on the way, is going to be a huge deal..

Im just trying to think of ways to fix things with Shane, while dealing with my upset tummy, tiredness, everything, lol.

any suggestions on where to begin?

[savepaws]

Congrats & good luck with everything.

[starsthrumysoul]

First off...Congratulations!!! I'm so happy for you guys!

Second - I agree with the other ladies that maybe some counseling would be a good idea. You've realized for a while that communication between you and Shayne is something of an issue, and having a third party available to walk you through building those skills can be a great thing (and I'm not just saying this because I'm a counselor!). Though the baby will certainly change your relationship (hopefully for the better!), I don't think it will fix everything if everything else stays the same.

I know that where I'm from (upstate NY), there are counseling services available to couples for free through the state. I'm not sure how to go about it, but I know that my parents took advantage of it when I was really young, and some family members did a couple years back too. Don't let money be the reason for not pursuing it - your relationship is too important for that. Also, look into your insurance.. Your copays could be really low and it may only run you $20 or $40 each visit - and though I don't know what your financial situation is, I think that you and Shayne are worth it (given some of the sweeter things you've told us about you two.)

Good luck with everything!

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Thanks so much ladies. I am going to talk to him tonight about counseling, and maybe figure if our insurance would pay.


I have a question. is it bad if they didn't see the baby in the ultrasound? I had my ultrasound 2 weeks ago...and a week before that my preg tests said neg, and I just took the new tests that both said positive yesterday. Is this normal, or weird?
Also, sort of gross...but i had some like "brownish" spotting on friday? REALLY light, and for only like 10 mins. Is this normal?

[FFC]

I am saying this with no disrespect for anyone or their beliefs: I recommend going to a non-denominational counselor. I am religious, but I also feel that a religious counselor (pastor/minister) would encourage you to work out your marriage no matter what - and I believe that's their main focus. I think a non-denominational counselor can be more open minded about yours and Shane's concerns and will focus on helping you resolve your issues rather than insisting that you stay together. I'm not saying split up if they say to, I'm just saying to focus on fixing whatever is between you rather than hearing "you took a vow before God...." and so on.

[flyerso6]

Thanks so much ladies. I am going to talk to him tonight about counseling, and maybe figure if our insurance would pay.


I have a question. is it bad if they didn't see the baby in the ultrasound? I had my ultrasound 2 weeks ago...and a week before that my preg tests said neg, and I just took the new tests that both said positive yesterday. Is this normal, or weird?
Also, sort of gross...but i had some like "brownish" spotting on friday? REALLY light, and for only like 10 mins. Is this normal?

As far as not seeing the baby, it depends on how far you are, if your test was neg a week before u/s than it was probably way to early to see anything.. Did they see a sac or anything at all? Did you have a blood test? if so what was your betas? My Dr. said you can't see anything until your beta is over 2500. Brownish spotting is ok if it is not all the time, it may have been implantation bleeding.

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Well. I did have a blood test a week and half after ultrasound. It came back postivie. yesterday pee test came back pos.
No sac or anything was found in ultrasound I assume, cause she just said she didnt see anything in my uterus.

whats beta? Sorry lol

[gwenshack]

glad i'm not alone... i was just waiting for someone else to say it for fear of coming across too harsh...

if you are having problems NOW is the time to work on them... sleep deprivation, poopy diapers, and stress only do not make it any easier to get over problems...



Yeah, me too...waiting for someone else to bring it up. I guess we're the chickens in the bunch. :winktongue:
Danielle, you know I care, so I won't repeat that 800 more times. I just want to make sure that you're happy and healthy and that the baby is raised in the best environment possible. :)

[ChristineLS]

I am saying this with no disrespect for anyone or their beliefs: I recommend going to a non-denominational counselor. I am religious, but I also feel that a religious counselor (pastor/minister) would encourage you to work out your marriage no matter what - and I believe that's their main focus. I think a non-denominational counselor can be more open minded about yours and Shane's concerns and will focus on helping you resolve your issues rather than insisting that you stay together. I'm not saying split up if they say to, I'm just saying to focus on fixing whatever is between you rather than hearing "you took a vow before God...." and so on.

I agree with this 100000000000000%

I'm going to shamelessly plug the Unitarian Universalists on this one. In my experience, they are more pro-healthy life, respect and happiness and they don't consider divorce a sin. They also are as nondenominational as a religion could possibly be, and in my experience are open to just about everyone.

You have to work at improving the relationship - life course studies show that having children are generally the most miserable years of a marriage - and that it takes a strong one to make it through. I hear parenthood is pretty tough. ;)

Congrats though, and I hope that all goes as you wish it does :)

[ChristineLS]

I agree with this 100000000000000%

I'm going to shamelessly plug the Unitarian Universalists on this one. In my experience, they are more pro-healthy life, respect and happiness and they don't consider divorce a sin. They also are as nondenominational as a religion could possibly be, and in my experience are open to just about everyone.

You have to work at improving the relationship - life course studies show that having children are generally the most miserable years of a marriage - and that it takes a strong one to make it through. I hear parenthood is pretty tough. ;)

Congrats though, and I hope that all goes as you wish it does :)

My computer isn't letting me edit, but what I was saying is that because they don't consider divorce a sin they aren't focused on making you avoid that, rather they focus on what's going on with the people in front of you to fix that first.

[Thalia_themuse]

Ok, I'm hoping I wasn't unclear in my previous post but I was saying that a baby on the way could be great motivation to fix the relationship (from both sides), I by no means meant that it would fix things... A baby probably won't change your relationship for the better, considering how exhausting it can be... But knowing a child is on the way could be great motivation for you to both put in lots of effort into making things better.

A non-denominational counsellor sounds fantastic! I think you both need to work on these skills now so that they can strengthen your relationship for the future. I am hoping that being a father might cause Shane to mature up a bit, and perhaps take on some more responsibility, but that will be entirely up to him and not guaranteed.

I am wishing you all the best with this, I think your mum will be a fantastic source of support with this which will make things a bit easier! You should consider starting a pregnancy journal so you can keep us updated and get get info, advice and support as needed.

All the best :flower:

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

I had a fight with Shane tonight about somethings, and he took it WAY too far about the baby.
He said that he doesn't want a baby with me, and that he would rather me drink & smoke to get rid of it, and that he feels horrible that im goin gto be its mother.
I wanted to cry and yell, but im trying to stay calm to make sure the baby is okay.



Im very very mad and frustrated.

[Angel1na3]

Oh goodness honey! Im so sorry this isnt turning out to be such a happy occasion for you. A baby is a big deal, an amazing deal, a super happy occasion! Congratulations and I hope things get better for you =) HUGE HUGS YOUR WAY!

[starsthrumysoul]

I had a fight with Shane tonight about somethings, and he took it WAY too far about the baby.
He said that he doesn't want a baby with me, and that he would rather me drink & smoke to get rid of it, and that he feels horrible that im goin gto be its mother.

Wow... that is some really serious stuff. Even if he didn't mean it, to say those sorts of things is really out of line for a husband to say to his wife, IMO. None of us really know what your relationship is like.. So please get to a counselor. It may be best for you two to work things out, it may be best to separate.. who knows. Either way, a counselor will help you two figure that out.

Hun, I wish you all the best. You certainly don't need any more stress right now, what with being pregnant and all. I'm glad that you're looking out for the health of the baby in all of this - it shows your potential to be a very caring mother!!!

[WebLady]

I had a fight with Shane tonight about somethings, and he took it WAY too far about the baby.
He said that he doesn't want a baby with me, and that he would rather me drink & smoke to get rid of it, and that he feels horrible that im goin gto be its mother.
I wanted to cry and yell, but im trying to stay calm to make sure the baby is okay.



Im very very mad and frustrated.
If you can't see that your life needs to change for yourself, perhaps now you can make some changes for your child. Do you really want to bring a baby into such an unstable relationship?

The way I see things, and we only know what you have told us, you and your husband need to commit to some serious counseling; find a way. But first you both have to admit there is a problem and want to make it better. If you both can't commit to the relationship then maybe you don't need to be together.

[gwenshack]

Those are horrible things to say...heat of the moment or not.
Do your parents realize how bad things are sometimes between you and Shane? These ups and downs and the immature little temper tantrums he has is not going to be good for you or for the baby. I think it might be in your best interest - and this is just my opinion, based on the little I know about your situation - to move in with your parents until Shane can make a commitment to be a responsible father and husband and shows (through actions, not words) that commitment.
A baby needs a stable environment, and, yes, two parents are the ideal, but if that's not going to be the best situation for your child, you need to look out for more than just yourself now. Some of the things he has said and done to you in the brief time you have let us have a glimpse into your life have been highly unacceptable...what if he transfers these behaviors and attitudes onto your child? It was one thing for you to stay when it was just YOU - if you wanted to subject yourself to some of this stuff, that's your perogative, but now there will be a little one who is going to need peace and love and protection from the evils out of the outside world - and he or she isn't going to be done any favors by seeing this in his or her own home!
People say they don't mean when they get mad, sure, but this has been an ongoing problem and you've almost left at least twice in the brief amount of time you've been married. I hope some sort of resolution can be made so that either the two of you can go down a different path (that will, indeed, start with counseling) or you need to get the F out of there and create a better life for yourself and your kid.
I say this with no intention to be hurtful - I hope you know that!

[Thalia_themuse]

Yeah ok this is very serious. If the two of you can calmly and rationally agree that you want to be together and that you have a problem, and arrange some serious counselling, you have a chance. If not, I stand firmly behind you leaving him for both your sake, and your child's.

He can either man up and become the father and husband he should be, or you may have to raise it alone. Either way you are going to have to make huge sacrifices and compromises as well..

I really hope you can get into counselling; either solo or together.

All the best :flower:

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Thank you ladies.
I know, I was shocked. I mean, I was on the verge of tears. I know he can rip into me, and say the meanest **** he wants to me, and maybe I can handle that. But what he said about an innocent life, of HIS child, really shocked me. It makes me realize he is no better then his own father, who abandoned him as a baby. The onehe cant forgive. But he is doing the same thing.
It killed me that he said he feels bad that Ill be the mom. I mean, I always told myself I could be a great mom.

I think maybe I might just go stay with my mom for a while, or a friend. Or somewhere. It's hard to look at him- my husband, or the father, or whatever.

its hard when Im under all this stress. i want the baby to be healthy, I want to be healthy.
Right now I want to cry. But, I wont.

[Thalia_themuse]

Thank you ladies.
I know, I was shocked. I mean, I was on the verge of tears. I know he can rip into me, and say the meanest **** he wants to me, and maybe I can handle that. But what he said about an innocent life, of HIS child, really shocked me. It makes me realize he is no better then his own father, who abandoned him as a baby. The onehe cant forgive. But he is doing the same thing.
It killed me that he said he feels bad that Ill be the mom. I mean, I always told myself I could be a great mom.

I think maybe I might just go stay with my mom for a while, or a friend. Or somewhere. It's hard to look at him- my husband, or the father, or whatever.

its hard when Im under all this stress. i want the baby to be healthy, I want to be healthy.
Right now I want to cry. But, I wont.

:hug: Crying isn't bad hon, it can be quite cathartic! Pent-up emotions can't be all that helpful...

Doesn't sound like he can be the father he needs to be, and he had no right saying you won't be a good mother. Stay positive hon, YOU already care for the baby, YOU want to keep it, YOU are trying to put its welfare first. That - in my eyes at least - indicates that you will be a GOOD mother. You want an example of bad parenting attitude? Tell him to look in the mirror and watch while he becomes the father he can't forgive.

Apologies, I am rather ticked. I definitely think you should go stay with your mother. And please please please, go to counselling! Find a non-denominational counsellor and let them know EVERYTHING. They will be able to give you better informed advice. Please! :heart:

[Deanna2112001]

Thank you so much ladies.
I talked to Shane. He first told me he thought he was going to be sick...then he looked shocked....then asked if he could play world or warcraft to clear his head.
After he played, we talked. He said he didnt want a baby right now, but since I am 100% agianst abortion, we will have the baby and deal with it. I know he is a little excited, and so am I.
And so is my mom. She has called like 83058 times. Haha.

Wow. it has been such a shock though.

yeah things havent been so good with us- but I think the baby coming might really really help things for us.


OMH Really.. WOW.. I roll my eyes to that ****! ita not taken over our life. But I find myself finding things to do... while he plays

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

:hug: Crying isn't bad hon, it can be quite cathartic! Pent-up emotions can't be all that helpful...

Doesn't sound like he can be the father he needs to be, and he had no right saying you won't be a good mother. Stay positive hon, YOU already care for the baby, YOU want to keep it, YOU are trying to put its welfare first. That - in my eyes at least - indicates that you will be a GOOD mother. You want an example of bad parenting attitude? Tell him to look in the mirror and watch while he becomes the father he can't forgive.

Apologies, I am rather ticked. I definitely think you should go stay with your mother. And please please please, go to counselling! Find a non-denominational counsellor and let them know EVERYTHING. They will be able to give you better informed advice. Please! :heart:
Thank you. I admit it i cried a little. Hah..
I just feel like if I cry I let him win by getting to me.

I really want to be the best mom I can be...and that means protecting my baby. Even if that means him having no father rather then a bad father.
Shane won't be a good dad if he is telling to go "have a few drinks".


I think Ia m going to stay with someone. Im going to let him know that.

[Thalia_themuse]

Thank you. I admit it i cried a little. Hah..
I just feel like if I cry I let him win by getting to me.

I really want to be the best mom I can be...and that means protecting my baby. Even if that means him having no father rather then a bad father.
Shane won't be a good dad if he is telling to go "have a few drinks".

I think Ia m going to stay with someone. Im going to let him know that.

Good for you!!!! :whoohoo: Tell him you're going to stay elsewhere. Take the time for you and your baby. If Shane wants to be part of either of your lives, he should be the one to prove he should be!

I'm glad you are being this level-headed. Best of luck, remember you will be a kick-*** mother if you want to be! :happy:

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Thank you.

Im going to try :)

[mj512]

If you can't see that your life needs to change for yourself, perhaps now you can make some changes for your child. Do you really want to bring a baby into such an unstable relationship?

The way I see things, and we only know what you have told us, you and your husband need to commit to some serious counseling; find a way. But first you both have to admit there is a problem and want to make it better. If you both can't commit to the relationship then maybe you don't need to be together.

I agree. I am all for making marriages work, and I think when you get married you are making a lifelong commitment. BUT there are times when you need to consider all of your options. Someone who wants you to drink and smoke to get rid of the baby, isn't really someone I would want around my baby.

[WebLady]

I think it would be a good start for you to move out for a while. Maybe he will get the message that if he doesn't straighten out he will loose you. If he doesn't then you have to do what is best for you and your baby.

I am all about marriage being a lifelong commitment, but sometimes people make mistakes and it is better to move on and learn from it than to be miserable in a bad marriage forever.

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

I just spoke to him.

To be honest ladies, I don't think he cares if he looses me.
I think I will try to find somewhere to stay at for a while. If I see he doesn't care, then I move on. I'll make this work.

Im just scared. Like, terrified.

But he said he doesn't love me, and if that's the case, fine. I'll let him go then

[gwenshack]

I just spoke to him.

To be honest ladies, I don't think he cares if he looses me.
I think I will try to find somewhere to stay at for a while. If I see he doesn't care, then I move on. I'll make this work.

Im just scared. Like, terrified.

But he said he doesn't love me, and if that's the case, fine. I'll let him go then

I think it's normal to be scared in this situation. How could you not be? But the best thing you can do is take the control of the situation and show the fear (and Shane) who's boss.
Your mother loves you and knows what you're going through right now, in terms of being pregnant, and can be there for you right now in ways you could have never imagined. All you have to do is take the first step and ask for help.
If he says he doesn't love you that is 100% his loss. Remember that. And if he doesn't love that baby that he helped create then he's an even bigger fool than I ever could have imagined.
Be strong and allow yourself a peaceful and beautiful life for yourself and your child.

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Im scared to tell my mom. As silly as it sounds, I dont want her to tell me " I told you so".

I dont know. Between being pregnant, shane, work, and everyday stress, my head is fuzzy.
Like I just wanna sleep for like a week!

[gwenshack]

Im scared to tell my mom. As silly as it sounds, I dont want her to tell me " I told you so".

I dont know. Between being pregnant, shane, work, and everyday stress, my head is fuzzy.
Like I just wanna sleep for like a week!

The longer you hold out telling her, the longer you have to worry about her reaction. :winktongue:
Even if she does say "I told you so" that certainly doesn't mean that she doesn't have your best interest at heart and won't help you...:)

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

That's true. I'm going to have to take a few days and figure out what I need to do. Or how I feel.


Right now I know i feel like throwing up! Morning sickness setting in...at night :(

[mitch]

Thank you so much ladies.
I talked to Shane. He first told me he thought he was going to be sick...then he looked shocked....then asked if he could play world or warcraft to clear his head.
After he played, we talked. He said he didnt want a baby right now, but since I am 100% agianst abortion, we will have the baby and deal with it. I know he is a little excited, and so am I.
And so is my mom. She has called like 83058 times. Haha.

Wow. it has been such a shock though.

yeah things havent been so good with us- but I think the baby coming might really really help things for us.

First of all congrats on the pregnancy.

Secondly as soon as i read Shane wanted to play Warcraft before talking about it i knew something was wrong.

Now i read on and find out He is being a bully about it all. And in His eyes, any slight mishap has been Your fault and the fact You are pregnant.

Even before You two got Married, everyone here knew it was a volatile relationship. You hoped that being Married would change that. Turns out that nothing has changed. And even having a Baby together hasn't brought You closer. For a high percentage of Marriages, a "Band Aid" Baby is not a good thing. As others have proved here. But that doesn't make the Baby any less loved from You. Or any less a person of the future.

Hopefully it will work out. There is enough stress involved with pregnancy at it is. Without the added stress of "Dad" not being 100% behind "Mum".

My DH doesn't want anymore kids. And i can't have children. But if it was possible and i did tell Him i was pregnant. He would be over the moon.
He would want to hold me close. Tell me how proud He is. And then shout from the rooftops about being a Dad again. He certainly wouldn't say He was going to play a game to clear His head.

If i was in Your shoes i would go to Mum and talk to Her. Take time out and think about what the future holds.
So what if She says "I told You so". That has got to be a spit in the ocean compared to what Shane has been saying to You about getting rid of the Baby.

Good Luck.

[WebLady]

Believe me I know what it is like to want something to work so bad and prove to everyone that they were wrong ... and how you feel when it doesn't and you can't fix it ... and how much it stings and makes you feel like a failure when your family says "I told you so" ... but you have to get past that and make a stand for the better life that you deserve.

I would go to your Mom and tell her that you just need her support right now. If/when she goes for the "I told you so" explain to her that you don't need that right now. That is what I had to do with my mother when my first marriage ended.

We can all share stories and give advice on what we think you should do and what we see in what you have told us about your situation, but you really just have to want to make it better for you!

Don't be the victim, don't let what others think hold you back from taking a stand for a better life.

[BnB]

I was thinking the same thing!

I have known personally and known of many couples with problems that try to stay together "for the baby" and it never ends well; for them or for the baby.

:goodluck:


my thoughts exactly......even though I toughed it out until my 'baby' was almost 5, the problems never got better after we decided to 'have another' when having marital issues..........things went rapidly downhill after the baby came.........he was 5 when I finally said, I'm not staying in this relationship for the kids

best wishes to you

[amisteratwisterandme]

Danielle,

I am so sorry you are going through this. If my fh said anything like that, I would seriously wonder what kind of man he is and what he may be capable of doing in the future.

Of course you are scared. Becoming a parent is a scary thing, but I do see that you are starting to look at things in a healthier way, and that's the first step!

If something isn't done soon, you WILL be a single parent even if you stay with Shane. He will be playing his games, hanging out with his friends, while you are working full time and taking care of the baby full time. I can't see him getting up to get a bottle or changing poopy diapers. You are going to end up taking care of the baby and him. He sounds selfish and immature. Does he do anything to help you out around the house now? He's just going to resent you and the baby, make you do all the work, and make you resent him for it.

Start planning your future now! You have shown that you can be on your own, while he couldn't until he married you. Go to your mom's or a friends, start making plans for the baby, go to counseling, and cry all you need to. Until you cry it out, you won't be able to firmly decide on what you need to do. Making the decision to leave a relationship is like grieving a death. Of course it hurts, but it's time to start thinking about you and this baby. A baby deserves to have a safe place at home and feel cherished and loved. It is clear at this time that Shane can't do that.

Maybe he will change. For you and the baby I hope so, but until then, YOU need to start loving and respecting yourself and the baby in a way that Shane can't.

You know we are all here for you.

[starsthrumysoul]

You've got lots of opinions here (all converging on the same point).. I'd like to add just two more cents..

IMO (and research shows) that children are much better off emotionally and mentally when raised by one single, supportive parent than by two parents who have such a volatile relationship as yours. IMO Shayne would REALLY need to get his act together and work very hard (and you too!) on your relationship if he were to be the father he needs to be and the husband he needs to be to you. No one deserves anything less than love and support from their husband, and right now he is giving you neither.

I hope you can make the right decision for yourself, and your child, no matter how hard it may be (I can only imagine...).

We're all really pulling for you.

[lilmsjess]

i can't even wrap my head around the thing with shane right now.....but i do have a couple questions

did they say how far along you were? and if blood and urine came back positive, they should have found a sac/yolk something....

POCS can play with your hcg levels, often comfusing womens bodies. a very good friend of mine has been through 5 years of false positives, thanks to her cysts...she literally just got pregnant for real, about 3 months ago...and every time, her dr would tell her she was pregnant "but not far enough to see anything"...

ok i didn't mean to stray off shane, but the original topic was pregnancy...so i stuck to that...but i know i've had to hold my friends hand probably 5 times, when she's been told she really isn't pregnant, or on 1 very pathetic occassion when she had a cyst burst, and some idiotic nurse tried to say she was miscarrying(when she wasn't truly pregnant to begin with)...you need to see about booking your next sonogram...and finding out what's going on...

TMK, cysts can sometimes go away with a pregnancy, but can also often create major problems as well...i hope your dr explained that you and s/he were going to have to stay on top of things...

but, if you're happy about this, i say congratulations! "band aid" babies work worse than those cheapie plastic "back in the day" bandaids, but a child is a child nonetheless, and when it comes to your relationship with shawn, if you already know it's volatile, then it is your duty dictated by God to ensure your children does not have to ever deal with those kinds of things, or be placed in the way of any form of harm...like i told fh when i got pregnant "i FOUND you, we MADE him, and in my eyes, our child will be thought of 1st"...in other words, i'd have left him before i made my son's life a living hell...and you shouldn't just "deal with it" either...and a child shouldn't either...and had chris said he didn't want a child, i'd have given him some time to make sure, and if he defintely didn't want our child, i'd have walked away free and clear, taking my child with me...and he knew that...

as for playing the game, there's nothing wrong with that...fh played wii while i read a book a couple hours after i got a BFP...we were both speechless and it was a horrible time even though our relationship was good. on the way home we picked the name we both loved, Alexander, and left it at that probably for a week or so? till i saw a dr...and confirmed everything was ok, we really didn't talk directly about it...it'd come up, but that particular night, i finished a "twilight" book, and he played wii for hours...

[savepaws]

I'm sorry to hear he is being such a jerk about it. I know you haven't been able to end the relationship for your own benefit but I do hope that you will do what is best for your baby. I know divorce is considered bad but when you are married to an a-hole who is only going to cause you and your child pain, then you need to do what is best for your child. Period. And if you go to your mom and tell her you don't want to hear "I told you so" and confide in her, she probably will be considerate of your feelings. Don't stay in an unhappy marriage and expose your child to a hostile environment just because you are afraid to hear "I told you so". It doesn't matter what anyone thinks. It only matters that you be a good mom and do your best to provide your baby with a stable, loving and safe environment.

If Shane was willing to go to counseling and really saw the error of his ways and wanted to change and start acting like a man, then that would be another story. But the only time he ever seems like he wants to "try" is when you are threatening to leave. Then he apologizes with some nice words through an email. That is unacceptable! If he truly loves you then he is going to treat you with honor and respect ALL of the time. And maybe you guys weren't planning on starting a family just yet. So freaking what! He needs to get over it. Babies aren't always planned but you guys are married and you are supposed to deal with whatever comes along...for better or for worse. A good husband and father wouldn't be acting the way Shane is. Man, I am not a violent person but I want to knock his lights out right now!

I wish you the best of luck. If you decide to do this on your own, please know that you CAN do it. I'm sure it is much easier being a single parent than it would be to be a parent with Shane, if he continues down the same path he's been on.

:heart: My heart breaks for you. You deserve so much better and now a child is going to be involved. I hope everything works out ok.

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Thanks ladies. it means alot to have support.

Today, he acted normal, like nothing happened.

Im still deciding what to do with him. I think tonight I will suggest counseling, and if he doesnt want to then I think I will tell him its not worth it, because were just going to be hurting this baby.


for jess..

they told me they think I am very newly pregnant ( my ultra sound was three weeks ago) and they couldnt see it yet.

[Heywie]

Wow... How can he go from being so hateful to acting normal like nothing happened? Whatever you do, don't excuse his poor behavior just because he has some nice things to say today.

I think your plan is good. Suggest counseling and if he turns you down or it doesn't happen, leave. Plain and simple.

You do not deserve to be treated like this. You are not a failure because a marriage fails. Believe in yourself and do what is right for YOU!

[Angel1na3]

Can I ask a question without taking it the wrong way or hurting your feelings? Is it possible that Shane is bi-polar? I ask this because of how it seems he is off the wall one minute and completely normal the next. The only way of finding it is a counselor/ doctor who can test his mind set.
A lot of what you have said sounds extremely familiar. A close friend of mine got married 5 years ago and within the first year they were ready to sign divorce papers about 6 times, no exageration. She wanted to seek counseling as a couple and he refused. After not being able to take it anymore she left. Another friend was getting married and the couple hooked up that night (after being seperated a couple of months), she got pregnant, but stuck to her guns saying that the only way they could work was counseling to find out the problems a nd get help with them. He finally agreed and come to find out, he's bipolar. They prescribed him meds to get his brain back on track, and he is back to his old funny happy self again, (as long he takes them) and they have been a perfect couple ever since and are able to now talk about everything, because of the counselors help on communication with each other. There have been very few times that he hasnt taken them and you can tell, he is very on edge, so she will bring it up and he will go right back on the next day.
Anywho, I've been thinking about it all day because I'm concerned for you and wanted to throw that out there as something for you to think about.

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Well, to answer your question, I wouldn't doubt it..

Shane's mom and sister are both bi-polar.
Shane at a very young age was diagnosed with "mild schitophrenia" and night terrors.

Im not really sure what that stuff is, but I also thinkits strange how the next morning he usually seems fine.
But when he is mad, hes MAD.

[Thalia_themuse]

Well, to answer your question, I wouldn't doubt it..

Shane's mom and sister are both bi-polar.
Shane at a very young age was diagnosed with "mild schitophrenia" and night terrors.

Im not really sure what that stuff is, but I also thinkits strange how the next morning he usually seems fine.
But when he is mad, hes MAD.

Psychoses like these can definitely run in families... I'm not entirely sure what they mean by mild schizophrenia though... Perhaps as a child he showed some detachment from reality, or incorrect interpretations of reality. Either way, psychotic disorders need medicating and counselling.

I have some series mental issues, and when I lose control and get into an upset or angry state of mind, I become entirely irrational. Next morning, everything is fine again, or if fh can settle me back into normalcy. Sleep can 're-set' your state of mind, which is why someone with a mood or psychotic disorder may seem better in the morning. I am on medication which is keeping me from getting too extreme without any side effects, which is a relief to both me and fh.

Whether it is his 'fault' that he is being this way, or has a psychotic disorder, if he isn't prepared to admit there is a problem and get help, he will not provide a safe/nurturing environment for your child.

I'm pretty sure it would be a lot harder to leave after the baby was born... So stick to your guns, try the counseling and if not, be firm!

Best of luck :heart:

[Nekochanpurr]

I don't have much in the way in advice.. But i wish you good luck..