No control if parents pay?

[MCKG5110]

I've been engaged for only a month and I'm already overwhelmed thinking about wedding plans. I'm only 23, and my parents will be paying for the entire wedding.

I am a very low-key, laid back person (as well as my fiance) and we wanted a low-key laid back wedding to celebrate with our closest family and friends. In my mind that meant: small, quick ceremony in a garden with no bridesmaids or groomsmen, and a fun and casual but classy dinner for the maybe 50 guests.

I love my mother and would do anything for her. So when she begged me to have my older (unmarried) sister as my MOH, I obliged. Now she has told me her guest list has gotten up to 100. And that doesn't include guests for the single people, my friends, or my fiance's entire family. It's leaving me in a state of panic that I won't be able to have the wedding I want. Especially because my sister/MOH is insisting that guests will have expectations for the wedding and it would be horrible of me to not meet those expectations. She calls me a Bridezilla when I tell her I don't want a traditional wedding.

What can I do when I'm not the one paying?

Should I postpone until I can pay for it myself and have a wedding I love? I'm worried that my grandparents wouldn't be there if I had to wait 5+ years. And it makes sense for my fiance and I to be legally married now to save on insurance, rent, etc, etc, etc (besides the fact that we love each other and want to be married).

[gwenshack]

I'm sorry to hear you're in this predicament. Unfortunately, this happens pretty frequently. I think you and your fiance need to sit down and determine your priorities - what aspects of your wedding really matter to you - and then sit down with your mother and discuss these issues with her. If she is unwilling to compromise so you two can have the wedding that YOU want I would really recommend taking back control. Don't get in a fight. Just tell her that you all think you need to do it your way, that you love and respect her, but that you can't picture the wedding she is describing. Tell her that you appreciate her generosity and that it means the world that she would be willing to pay for a wedding for you all, but tell her that if it means having a wedding you can't live with then perhaps it would be best if you two planned the wedding and paid for it yourselves.
My mother was generous enough to pay for our wedding. She hated most of it. It wasn't what she would have wanted, but she knew I meant it when I said that I would just choose to elope or pay for it myself.
Good luck and welcome to OW.

[Thalia_themuse]

This is always a tricky situation, because your parents are paying they have a say but you canot relinquish all control to them. It is YOUR wedding, that is rule # 1.

I strongly advise sitting down with all parties involved and talking with them. Tell them that you are indebted to them and very grateful for the money, but that the final say has to be yours. Tell them how you want your wedding but leave yourself open to some negotiation. If you want your guest list capped at 50, tell your mother to make a short list of the most important people and the final say is yours and your FH's. Tell them if they are not prepared to put in money for the wedding you want, then they are not obliged to. Tell them you will be getting married either way, but if there is too much hassle you are going to the courthouse and leaving it at that. I'm not talking about making idle threats, just outlay what you want and what you are going to do as a backup. If you cannot reach an acceptable middle ground I think you have 2 choices:
1. Let them pay and plan your wedding, and grin and bear whatever that may be
2. Thank them for their intentions but don't take the money and go the courthouse with or without a few people. If further down the track you want a wedding you can.

So, the question is, how important are these things to you? The main point is for you two to be married. Either scenario, that is the result. You need to weigh up the other details and try talking to your family.

As for you sister, I would personally tell her that while I love her to death, this is one time of my life that I need her support and love, and if she can't be more constructive or helpful that - painful though it may be - you will have to ask her to step down as MOH.

I'm sure others will have more useful comments as well, but I think you need to think about the situation some more and talk to your folks.

Best of Luck!! :flower:

[WebLady]

Yeah it is fairly common to hear of the parents taking over the wedding. Even my mother tells me stories of how her mother took over her wedding too. She says she regrets it every time she looks at her wedding pictures.

As mentioned before you can try to talk to your family and explain that you would prefer a less extravagant event. Maybe you can come to a compromise; maybe have the nice simple ceremony you want and the big celebration your family wants.

The other option would be to elope (so you can be legally married soon) and save money to plan for a celebration/vow renewal on your own.

:goodluck:

[Goders]

I can only suggest what everyone else has already.

See if you can come up with a compromise, for example, if your mother wants 100 people at the actual ceremony, see if you can push for the 50 people you want at the reception, or vice versa.

Your best bet would be to try and talk to her. Make sure you tell her that this is your wedding, and though you deeply appreciate the fact that she's willing to pay for the wedding, it's not exactly what you or your fiance wants. If you can, I would suggest starting to save some money to put aside incase your parents decide they don't want to pay for the wedding if they don't get what they want.

Just remember, it's your wedding and you should be happy with the way things are going.

[savepaws]

I think you've gotten some good advice!! I think its important to talk to her and tell her your feelings. Maybe she doesn't know what you want and just assumes you want all those people there. Hopefully she'll be understanding and will let you have the wedding you want.

[Bunnyfeet]

There's lots of good advice here, but I'll add my own situation (since I'm about the same age as you)

I'm having a $2000 wedding because I didn't want the big fancy traditional one, either.
My mother is insisting on italian food being catered because it is tradition in my family (big italian family) so I obliged that one, and she has stated she would pay for that. If I were not okay with that, or if she refused to pay for it, it would have just been me paying for a DIY buffet or barbeque instead.

So at our young ages, it is possible to afford the wedding you want. (If it is small and lowkey like you said) It would take a lot of planning ahead of time and finding good bargains, etc. That kind of thing. So it's very research intensive. But definitely possible. (If you want IRL inspiration, there's a blog from soemone who did a wedding on $2000 here http://2000dollarwedding.com/ )

If you were here telling us you want the big fancy traditional wedding, then yeah... you'd probably need to wait quite a while to afford that by yourself. But a backyard or garden wedding with close friends and family may in fact be doable. You may need to wait an extra few months while you save, but I personally think it's possible.

I mean the battle with your families with be another matter if they want a big wedding.
My FH never had much contact with his dad's family, yet I get the distinct feeling that if we invite them, they will try to make it into the kind of big, fancy traditional wedding we don't want. But the way I see it is, if it starts out with either family pushing you guys around, it will only continue once the marriage is sealed. Best to put your foot down about it now rather than letting it continue and making it harder to do so. They might be a little miffed or insulted now, but it will get the idea across that you won't be allowing them to make decisions for you.

[lalaland13]

le.

I mean the battle with your families with be another matter if they want a big wedding.
My FH never had much contact with his dad's family, yet I get the distinct feeling that if we invite them, they will try to make it into the kind of big, fancy traditional wedding we don't want. But the way I see it is, if it starts out with either family pushing you guys around, it will only continue once the marriage is sealed. Best to put your foot down about it now rather than letting it continue and making it harder to do so. They might be a little miffed or insulted now, but it will get the idea across that you won't be allowing them to make decisions for you.

I agree with this. I don't think they'll feel like they own you or anything, but if you start letting them control too much now, then who knows,they might be telling you they really hate that baby name you chose for their grandbaby.

It's hard enough to deal with parents butting in even when they aren't paying for everything. Is there anyway you could pay for part of it, even if that meant putting it off a tad bit longer? That way you at least feel like you have some control.

[kdcutie83]

I know this is going to sound crazy but I do understand my parents are paying for almost all of it!! We are paying for minimal and I also wanted a 50 person and its at 250 now.
But as I have been told and am working on: all that matters is that you guys are getting married. And your parents just want to give you the very best they can because they love you. They may not understand why you want something smaller and you can work on explaining but the purpose of the day is for you guys to be married and just remember that as often as you can!!!