MrsFuchs09
06-06-2009, 05:05 PM
I've "loved" a boy before; when I was 13 my ex (who was 15) and I started "dating" and we were together for a year. I "loved" him but I treated him like ****. I made him cry, I'll be honest, on purpose because when I comforted him afterwards, it made me feel needed. I use to tell him no one loved him (Even his family hated him, I was able to convince him.) but me. I manipulated him a lot. Sick, but true. After a year, I started feeling bad. So I told him to leave me, he didn't need me in his life. The kid really did like me, maybe even love me...It's sad but I haven't seen him since I was 14, so four years...But I heard from a mutual friend that he started smoking a lot of weed after I forced him to break up with me. Don't know where he is now...probably in college somewhere.
After we broke up, I was crushed for a year...I stopped going out with friends, I started cutting (I was already a cutter, from age 11, but I started cutting even more.), I was hospitalized multiple times, put on anti-depressants, I stopped eating and developed an eating disorder….I was a wreck.
When I was sick of being hospitalized, cutting, starving etc (Almost a year after)…I started going to Church with my parents. I started praying more, I started going to bible study. I stopped taking my pills because I didn’t want anything else to help me but God and myself. I stopped cutting at age 15, four years after starting. It was an addiction and I relapsed every now and then but I got through it. I’ve been cut free for three years now.
When I was 15, I met Rick. I didn’t think anything of him then. He was just a goofy 17 year old kid. The first time he saw me, he went right up to me and told me his name, which I forgot the next day…Two weeks later, my friend told me he had the biggest crush on me. I didn’t want to date him though. I thought he was weird.
I had a boyfriend, for four months, when I met Rick. But my then boyfriend broke up with me soon after. I was a little heart broken, not nearly as bad as the last break up, which, at the time, was a year and a half before. Rick and I became friends. To be honest, I thought it’d make my ex jealous…because my ex hated Rick…he flirted with me a lot. (It actually worked, I found out later.) I didn’t expect to become best friends with Rick though, it happened.
I didn’t like Rick anymore than a friend. Though, he asked me constantly me. I remember he told me he loved me. I believed it. Whenever I needed him, he was there in a heartbeat. He made me a big priority. I took him for granted a little still, I just wanted him as a best friend; he made me feel good and brightened up my day with his huge famous Rick smile (He still does). One day he couldn’t drive me home from school, so I had to walk. When I was walking, I was thinking about how lonely it was being alone (At that point, Rick and I were together all the time…so I always had him to talk to.) and how nice it was to be around him. I started getting butterflies whenever he came up to me. I kept that a secret, afraid of getting a broken heart, for a few weeks. I remember Rick promised me, while still keeping my secret, that he’d be the best “man” ever if I dated him. He promised me we’d remain best friends if we dated. He promised he’d love me forever and never leave me or treat me badly; he said it was only me he wanted. (It was obvious he meant all those things, because he had tears in his eyes and he hasn’t broken any of those promises yet.)
A week passed, and I couldn’t hold it in anymore. It was Thursday night, around 7:30 (I remember because thirty minutes later we watched Smallville on TV.) and we were taking pictures of each other, for Myspace (Lol. My idea.) I looked at him. I got those butterflies again. I leaned in and kissed him. Just a peck on the lips. He looked at me, smiling, and said, “I knew there was something special about you.” Those words still play in my head, I’ll never forget them.
At first I was freaked out. Not in a good way. I thought I’d made a mistake. But then, when we watched Smallville, he held my hand. And it felt right. We’ve been together ever since. It was Feb. 1st 2007.
With all that happened, I feel like God gave me a second chance. I’ve only had two boys love me for everything I am. The boy when I was 13 and Rick (Rick and him are very similar, same sweetness and same kind of love. They both looked at me the same way.). The first boy I screwed up, I was too immature and insecure (I was a cutter too at the time.). With Rick I had a relationship with God, I was more confident and acted very mature for my age (After all my situations, it was like I grew up five years instead of one. Now instead of 18, I act 23.)
I get these periods where I feel like my love for Rick is just consuming me. He doesn't even have to be with me at the time. Sometimes I even start crying. I can feel my body fill with love. If he's not with me, I start texting him telling him how much I appreciate him and his hard work (Complimenting him about his work as a salesman makes him feel great because he works 60 hours a week. Sucks because I don't see during the day sometimes but it's good because he makes 75,000 a year. Pretty good for a 20 year old kid, huh?) and sometimes I guess it comes unexpected for him because he after he says "thank you baby" he asks why I'm being so "nice" as a joke.
I can't help it though. Sometimes I just start staring at him from across the room, thanking God for him, and he stops what he's doing when he notices and asks why I'm doing it. I just want to hold him and never let him go. After 2.5 years, I don’t think it’s puppy love anymore. It feels as though as time goes on, I love him more and more as each day passes.
I’ll always stand on the sidelines, cheering him on. He’s everything to me. I can see him glowing and it makes me smile. When I hear Beyonce’s song “Halo” I think of Rick. I’ve never cared for another human being as much I care about Rick; I‘ve never smiled more when seeing another person smile than I do when Rick smiles. Every day is new with him.
I believe that Rick is my angel. He was sent from God to help me not be so selfish. And this time, I won’t take that for granted. I’m determined to make Rick the happiest young man alive and be the best “woman” for him, just like he promised me.
After we broke up, I was crushed for a year...I stopped going out with friends, I started cutting (I was already a cutter, from age 11, but I started cutting even more.), I was hospitalized multiple times, put on anti-depressants, I stopped eating and developed an eating disorder….I was a wreck.
When I was sick of being hospitalized, cutting, starving etc (Almost a year after)…I started going to Church with my parents. I started praying more, I started going to bible study. I stopped taking my pills because I didn’t want anything else to help me but God and myself. I stopped cutting at age 15, four years after starting. It was an addiction and I relapsed every now and then but I got through it. I’ve been cut free for three years now.
When I was 15, I met Rick. I didn’t think anything of him then. He was just a goofy 17 year old kid. The first time he saw me, he went right up to me and told me his name, which I forgot the next day…Two weeks later, my friend told me he had the biggest crush on me. I didn’t want to date him though. I thought he was weird.
I had a boyfriend, for four months, when I met Rick. But my then boyfriend broke up with me soon after. I was a little heart broken, not nearly as bad as the last break up, which, at the time, was a year and a half before. Rick and I became friends. To be honest, I thought it’d make my ex jealous…because my ex hated Rick…he flirted with me a lot. (It actually worked, I found out later.) I didn’t expect to become best friends with Rick though, it happened.
I didn’t like Rick anymore than a friend. Though, he asked me constantly me. I remember he told me he loved me. I believed it. Whenever I needed him, he was there in a heartbeat. He made me a big priority. I took him for granted a little still, I just wanted him as a best friend; he made me feel good and brightened up my day with his huge famous Rick smile (He still does). One day he couldn’t drive me home from school, so I had to walk. When I was walking, I was thinking about how lonely it was being alone (At that point, Rick and I were together all the time…so I always had him to talk to.) and how nice it was to be around him. I started getting butterflies whenever he came up to me. I kept that a secret, afraid of getting a broken heart, for a few weeks. I remember Rick promised me, while still keeping my secret, that he’d be the best “man” ever if I dated him. He promised me we’d remain best friends if we dated. He promised he’d love me forever and never leave me or treat me badly; he said it was only me he wanted. (It was obvious he meant all those things, because he had tears in his eyes and he hasn’t broken any of those promises yet.)
A week passed, and I couldn’t hold it in anymore. It was Thursday night, around 7:30 (I remember because thirty minutes later we watched Smallville on TV.) and we were taking pictures of each other, for Myspace (Lol. My idea.) I looked at him. I got those butterflies again. I leaned in and kissed him. Just a peck on the lips. He looked at me, smiling, and said, “I knew there was something special about you.” Those words still play in my head, I’ll never forget them.
At first I was freaked out. Not in a good way. I thought I’d made a mistake. But then, when we watched Smallville, he held my hand. And it felt right. We’ve been together ever since. It was Feb. 1st 2007.
With all that happened, I feel like God gave me a second chance. I’ve only had two boys love me for everything I am. The boy when I was 13 and Rick (Rick and him are very similar, same sweetness and same kind of love. They both looked at me the same way.). The first boy I screwed up, I was too immature and insecure (I was a cutter too at the time.). With Rick I had a relationship with God, I was more confident and acted very mature for my age (After all my situations, it was like I grew up five years instead of one. Now instead of 18, I act 23.)
I get these periods where I feel like my love for Rick is just consuming me. He doesn't even have to be with me at the time. Sometimes I even start crying. I can feel my body fill with love. If he's not with me, I start texting him telling him how much I appreciate him and his hard work (Complimenting him about his work as a salesman makes him feel great because he works 60 hours a week. Sucks because I don't see during the day sometimes but it's good because he makes 75,000 a year. Pretty good for a 20 year old kid, huh?) and sometimes I guess it comes unexpected for him because he after he says "thank you baby" he asks why I'm being so "nice" as a joke.
I can't help it though. Sometimes I just start staring at him from across the room, thanking God for him, and he stops what he's doing when he notices and asks why I'm doing it. I just want to hold him and never let him go. After 2.5 years, I don’t think it’s puppy love anymore. It feels as though as time goes on, I love him more and more as each day passes.
I’ll always stand on the sidelines, cheering him on. He’s everything to me. I can see him glowing and it makes me smile. When I hear Beyonce’s song “Halo” I think of Rick. I’ve never cared for another human being as much I care about Rick; I‘ve never smiled more when seeing another person smile than I do when Rick smiles. Every day is new with him.
I believe that Rick is my angel. He was sent from God to help me not be so selfish. And this time, I won’t take that for granted. I’m determined to make Rick the happiest young man alive and be the best “woman” for him, just like he promised me.